Hubby cant take it anymore!:(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Dec 16, 2013.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Me and my hubby has had it with our sons behaviour!!!!
    My hasband is so tired and yesterday almost attacked our son and saying very bad things to my son!!! This is causing so much stress in our relationships....We tried to fix it today, by going to the movies, having chats exct, but we as parents is overwhelmed by our sons behaviour!
    My sons irrational behaviour is getting worse, we thought it will get better with maturity! The last straw was when we realized yesterday he took my credit and debit cards out of my purse to try and register an account on the internet to watch a movie! He tries to steal money, we found a lego figure he "stole" from the shop...then he lies about the insidents....
    He still soils his pants, and the other night he even messed in the bathroom( will not elaborate...)
    He shows deviant behaviour...has a terrible rude and hostile and shows very little respect!
    We have tried everything!!!! All the fancy tricks in the books!
    My hubby is very tired of it all and we are even thinking that maybe it will be best if he moves out of the house to shorten the time he needs to deal with our son! But this is to expensive!
    How do you guys stay calm and focused as a family!?
    How do you keep your family together with a child who's behaviour disrups the whole family and all is suffering!? We are trying to figure out what of these are just result of Aspergers and what not...because it really seems as if any logic or consequenses just doesnt register with him!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow. I didn't want you to feel ignored. I think we just don't know how to make your husband understand that, although I'm sure it seems like it, your son can not behave the same way a typical child does. He doesn't know how. Is your son getting any interventions to teach him proper socializing? Any PT, Occupational Therapist (OT), social skills training? Here is a link to a pretty good book that explains Aspergers. Maybe you want to see if hubby wants to read it? Hey, you may learn from it too. I have read it...Tony Attwood is pretty good at explaining stuff.

    Your husband could maybe benefit by reading books about Aspergers Syndrome. Also...maybe marriage counseling? You don't want your son's differently wiredness to destroy your marriage, but your husband needs to open his mind and learn. It seems to take men more time. Not saying women catch on faster or anything...but ya know ;) hehe. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Is there a way for you two to go out together? Any baby sitters around?
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    How far are you prepared to go, to accommodate your son?

    We had to TOTALLY revamp our entire life. For years, we had literally zero social life. Everything shut down after school. And even then, it was a really tough road. Really hard on our relationship, too, until husband caught on ... which for us didn't happen until we started getting better dxes. We simplified our life until it worked. Consistent schedule, no sleeping in even on weekends. Consistent meals, consistent expectations - but not punishments, generally, because those didn't work. NOW we are seeing benefits, but it's taken years.

    Have you ever read the article "Welcome to Holland"? It's written by the parent of a disabled child, and it's a really good analogy.
  4. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Hi...thanx for the support:)
    Hubby and I already read all the books...did all the dr counsellings....all the therapies....all of it! He already had Occupational Therapist (OT), ST and is starting with cognitive behaviour therapy this year to focus on skills training:)
    I agree....sometimes, maybe very often, we just need to remind us that we cant expect him to behave as a NT child would!!
    But its DIFFICULT! Especially if he starts acting out or doing inappropriate things in the shops or in front of other people!:( He is such a clever and highly intelligent child, that its difficult to antisipate some behaviour! We are at a point now where we sometimes just tell people he has autism....because we dont have hours to explain to strangers! Dont know if this is an ok thing to do!?
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You don't owe anybody an explanation. But I get it. I used to try to explain too. After seeing the look in other's eyes, I just stopped even trying. Tell you something though. Before I had kids, I would judge parents of children who were acting up just like they judge us. I sure don't judge them anymore.
  6. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    We are in a similar boat in our home. difficult child is causing so many issues all around - we all want to move out. Actually if money were no issue, I would have two homes. One parent and one child in one and the other parent and other child in the other. Then the parents switch on a schedule to be with the other child. We just cannot seem to all exist in harmony under one roof.

    Since we cannot afford to do that - I don't know what the answer is. I would also like to know what other families do to have peace in their homes when they have a difficult child who disrupts everything.

    It seems like my difficult child can only handle having one parent around and no sibling - otherwise it is constant CHAOS! easy child is suffering. husband is suffering. I am suffering. And I know difficult child is suffering. It's just so hard.
  7. Huff

    Huff Member

    I will tell a little of my story I arrived a single mom 17 years took in two easy child and a difficult child he was twelve at the time. The sighs of problem in retrospect started early on in the marriage when difficult child reached jr high it was getting bad. We took him to several doctors who said he was a typical boy still progressed . Therapist was not much help. After high school it kept getting worse got him to go see a see a psychiatrist on his own when he was 19 came back said the doctor said it was all my fault and he did not need help. Now my marriage is over and I'm am trying to detach . If you have your difficult child evaluated don't do like we did and trust the first one if you think there is more to it. I feel for y'all and wish y'all the best. I know how hard it is and individual therapy as well as this forum has been a godsend.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you! Luckily, we were able to sign up our son for special classes for nearly a year, and found a medication that helps, and also went to therapy quite often. It is work, work, work but we have all come a long way.
    Sometimes, I even think we are normal. :) Then I see how other families operate and I realize, nope, not even close. :)
    How many other people do I know who have locks on a second refrigerator and all the bedroom doors? How many other people do I know have to meet with-the entire school staff every couple of months? How many other people do I know whose sons collect sheets and blankets on their beds until there is nothing left in the laundry or linen closet? How many other people have kids who consistently wake up in the middle of the night to eat? Who wet the bed at the same age they are learning to drive?
    Just the ones of this board. :)

    Please try to find your son doing something good even if it's little. "Thank you for shutting that door quietly. That was nice." Things that a regular person would normally do, demand extra attention from our kids.
    And the arguing ... I have to still hold up fingers (1,2,3 strikes you're out), and still remember to explain things instead of just saying "I told you so." Because his world doesn't make sense. He doesn't understand why there are societal norms and family rules.

    I know you have tried everything; I would go back and try again, but choose just ONE behavior and work on it. Don't try to do it all at once. Pick the one you think is most important, that tears the family apart the most. The loud voice? The cr*p on the bathroom walls that *should* be in the toilet? Show, don't tell.

    Best of luck.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How do we stay calm and focused? First, off a disclaimer, I'm not sure we are all that calm and focused but this is what we have tried and what's helped us save our sanity. One thing we do is tag team; we relieve one another when we can (sometimes even going to the grocery store is an escape). We plan things with just easy child/difficult child so she could get relief (we did that more when she was younger). Exercise has helped more than I can say. Both husband and I are very active in exercising and the stress release is immeasurable. Seriously, it changes our moods and makes us more capable of dealing whatever difficult child throws at us.

    From the time he was four we had him in therapy. For awhile it was twice a week and then wound down to once a week and finally we are about at once a month. At times, I was convinced it wasn't helping at all but we are beginning to see some pay-offs (trust me, we have a long way to go).

    I also think the fact that we have such an amazing psychiatrist for difficult child has been huge. He has been relentless in helping difficult child.

    Another thing that helped me was seeking a therapist to talk to. Dealing with a difficult child is a major strain on our marriages and ourselves. Taking care of yourself and one another is crucial.
  10. jugey

    jugey Active Member

    Such great advice here! Parenting a kid with challenging behaviour is exhausting! We must look after ourselves so we can look after them and forgive ourselves when we screw up. Who knew a PhD was required!
  11. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx for your support and ideas....:)
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    I have to do 99.9 percent of the parenting because of husband's issues he can't parent the way the difficult children need. Luckily husband has been working full time graveyard and going to school full time. This is about to change as he is on his last class. I stay calm through medications and this site. Good luck