Through all this stuff with my h, I have been able to admit to really pulling away from him over the past few years, to the point that I did not feel at all intimate towards him and the thought of him touching me almost made me cringe. I have accepted this part of my responsibility in our marital problems, though it doesn't give him permission to have had an affair. My mission in counseling was to figure out why this happened. The big breakthrough came yesterday though when my question of why this happened was answered. I realized yesterday before I went to counseling, because of a few things my h said to me on the phone in the morning, that the things that really annoy me and actually have made me very angry with him over the years are the fact that he is extremeley impulsive, doesn't take responsibility for his actions and doesn't learn from his mistakes. Because of these things I have taken on the role of the mother, him the child, and like my counselor pointed out yesterday, you cannot feel intimate towards your child. Just to give a little background on the things he has done: When my h starts drinking he can't stop and he has come home numerous times, totally wasted, throwing up, and then gets vertigo for a few days afterwards and can't work. You would think he would have stopped this behavior as soon as he realized the vertigo was caused by drinking to much, but no, I cannot count the number of times this has happened since he realized this. 2 years ago my h was arrested in the state of VT for drunk driving. He smashed up his truck and the state police came and he spent the night in the state prison. Called me the next day totally humiliated, embarassed, they had him on tape and he couldn't believe what he looked like, said he was never drinking again. Do you know how many times he has not only drank, but drivin totally wasted since then???? Impulsivity and not taking responsibility: The affair, it wasn't his fault, he did it because I wasn't giving him enough attention. Selling the house in VT one week after I confronted him about the affair, then trying to blame it on me. Yesterday he called me from VT and told me he had a hangover because he drank to much the night before. He made a comment about how the counselor told him last week he needed to learn to respect himself and that he definitley didn't do that the night before by drinking that much, and of course driving himself home drunk. What this results in is me lecturing him about drinking to much, drinking and driving and not learning from his mistakes. He in turn says, I know, I have to stop drinking all together and then the behavior repeats itself. All of this clicked yesterday when I was driving to counseling. He has no respect for himself. How can I have respect for him. I have lost my respect for him. I called him after counseling and told him this. The counselor said it would be a good idea for me to tell him because these are the things I am working on for myself. Figuring out why our marriage got to this point and why I didn't enjoy being with him anymore. He seemed to totally understand what I was saying and agreed with everything. So from now on when he calls and tells me he had to much to drink, or did any of these child like behaviors that he keeps repeating, I need to tell him that I don't want to hear about it. This will cause him to have to face these choices he's made and look at himself in the mirror. The only thing I'm doing by lecturing him, is allowing him not to have to do that. It's almost like I've been raising another kid, with the same issues my difficult child had, and I wasn't getting through to him. Wait a minute!! Does that mean my h is a difficult child and I've been enabling him all these years??? I think that is exactly what it means. If that is the case, then I need to detatch just like I did my difficult child son and allow my difficult child husband to straighten out his own life.