This is only my opinion.
We've been telling you the same thing over and over again in different ways, but it's getting critical.
You should not listen to either teachers, who are educators and know nothing about psychiatry, or your dad, grandpa and otehr family members to help your kids get better. They need 100% of your attention. The rest of your family knows nothing about how to help them and doesn't care. The very selfish elders want you to help them. The sooner you give your kids 100% of your time, when you aren't giving time to yourself, the more you can focus on them and try to helpt hem before they turn eighteen. Grandpa, Dad and Sis are stealing time away from your kids. And you are allowing it.
Teachers are not going to cooperate with you. I actually think homeschooling in an unschooling way (look it up) would really be good for son and daughter. Kind of like the poster who moved to a farm. YOu don't have to move to a farm, but you need to move away soon or your kids will not get help. And you will not know how to let go of enabling them at eighteen because you are used to being abused and even comfortable with it. You expect your son to learn in a conventional school setting and he can't. Nor can your daughter. These are facts. You can't change them. You've tried.
The kids need a neuropsychological evaluation...not calls to the pediatrician or the neurologist. You need to contact your school advocate through the Dept. of Public Education and if you don't it is partly on your shoulders that the school will not help you. You have been told that they will not help you without outside help, and an advocate costs nothing...just a phone call and a visit. If you refuse to do this and refuse to contact outsiders who will help you, you won't get help and your kids will not get help or change and you will not get help or change. If you continue to live where you do and refuse to call social services or the cops (who can be helpful) or see a neuropsychologist or even call the dept. of public education to get an advocate to sit in with you on your IEP school meetings, you aren't doing what most of us do to try to help our kids. It is negligent. It is not purposely malicious, but if you don't do all you can, it is neglectful. You must do all you can or you have not loved your children the way they need it. Yes, you loved them, but they need to get help so they can function in life and you won't reach out to those who have the power to help. Your own fear should not stop you from helping your children. It's not fair to them.
You need to walk away from this circus you force your kids to live in. It never changes.
There's this old saying "The more things change, the more things stay the same."
If you allow your life to continue as it is, nothing good will come of it for any of you, even grandpa. He needs the kind of help you can't give him. Dad too. Your kdis are the ones who need you. Just them. Other services can be arranged for the elders and they can do it themselves or somebody else can do it.
Each day you live is a repeat of the one before and sounds like you get little to no pleasure and constant pressure from everyone around you. Get out, get out, get out. Do what the farm lady did and leave and try and help your kids who have different wiring learn in a different way. What good will reading do your son if he is in prison?
I hope you know we care, but it does get hard to see your struggling without any changes taking place and with your refusal to seek out help. We are trying, but you can lead a horse to water...can't make him drink it. I feel like that's where your life is. You know where the water is, but you won't drink it. So it's the same horrible day every day and will continue to be.
What would you really like from us? Just to listen? Not to give advice? We don't have to. It does not seem you want to take anyone's advice...
Hugs. You are a good person, but you don't move on even when you know you should. Knowing's not enough. You have to do it. You can. Anyone can. Won't be easy, but you can. Many of us have.