husband - back

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, May 2, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I just don't know what to do. Maybe this is a vent, maybe it is just looking for something...I don't know what.

    From all my posts, you all know that our relationship is not good. I know the only reason I stayed is because difficult child. I want so much for him to have a house and two parents. But being here may have hurt him more than not.

    I honestly believe the disrespect I get from my two boys is due to the disrespect they have seen husband give me over the past 14 years.

    Almost a year ago husband was diagnosis'd with bulging disk. He was told to take it easy and it may go back naturally. But he continued doing everything he did. Which, believe me isn't much. Only the things you shouldn't. Taking out the garbage - difficult child, easy child or myself can do. Carrying up the laundry, brining difficult child anywhere he asks. Sitting goofy on the couch.

    I asked him to go to the health club in the water, whirlpool. He refused. I asked him to use the heating pad or ice. No. I asked him not to lift things, he continues. I asked him to see a chiropractor, he refused. He did get three shots in his back with no relief. Just continues to take pain medications which are no longer helping. He went to his neurologist last Monday and he prescribed physical therapy. husband hasn't called.

    His situation at work isn't good. In the shop he has to squat, twist and turn. He is afraid to take off since they are already down to 32 hours a week and people are getting laid off daily. This past week he didn't work Monday or Friday.

    Yesterday he asked me for our general practitioners phone number. Said he thinks he has a hernia also. Wanted a second opinion. He is in so much pain and he can't pee. Says it is really painful to pee and he can't.

    Now, all the things I recommend to him I do because I want him to get better. Only he sees it as me being mean. Yesterday he did go to the whirlpool and said it felt better while in the water, but bad when he got out.

    Went to the doctor. No physical sign of hernia. Wanted a urine test. He couldn't pee. Still this morning he can't. Too painful.

    On top of all that, difficult child and I got into a physical fight last Tuesday. He threw me on the ground. easy child restrained me and all boys took difficult child's side. He has lied all month about homework. Hasn't turned anything in all month. Instead he is on the computer 6 - 8 hours a day playing that stupid game.

    I took the laptop, disconnected the desktop and took difficult child's phone. They all see me as the bad guy. easy child doesn't realize that I pay his bills because he can't. I feed him, give him a car and a home. Yet he laughs at me.

    difficult child doesn't even come out of his room. Just lays there.

    He has been staying after school and working with one teacher. Getting work done little by little.

    Baseball started this week, and I can't keep him from doing that. It is the ONLY thing he does and I think he needs it. He has practice this morning at 8am. Make-up due to rain all week.

    Today is also a diabetes walk sponsered by school. I have asked him for months to do this. I'll walk with him. Do it for my mom. A month ago he said yes. Then switched his mind several times. Hasn't gotten anyone to donate. He now says he will do it because I am "making him". I am sad.
    He is so selfish. And 1 hour of his time for someone else would be nice.

    I don't say things, do things to be mean. I do it because I want things to be better. Only nobody sees it that way. What do I do now?

    oh - husband did say he will see the chiro, he'll see a voodoo doctor if it will help. Too bad it took until he is in so much pain to do this.

    AND then I see him lift Chloe off the deck. She is 70 pounds.

    I just am so lonely and so scared I just want to sit and cry. I just don't know what to do. I know you are all sick of hearing all this. So I understand. Just thanks for giving me this place to talk.
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    KJS, you need to get out of the house, NOW. Your son is abusing you. And he has back up. What back up do you have? It is appalling to me that you are still trying to help them all, when it is clear they don't want your help. I know it's painful to hear - but it's true. They don't want your advice, your well wishes, etc. It's time to jump ship - save yourself. I'm so so so sorry that it has come to this with your situation, but you keep trying the same things and expecting different results. It's not happening. Is there a friend/co-worker or family member you could stay with? You really need to get out of there, even if it's temporary.

    KJS, the situation with your H is an emergency now. My sister went to the ER last year for back pain and because she couldn't pee. They wouldn't allow her to leave. The neurologist did an MRI of her lower spine and discovered that the bulging discs had actually SHATTERED. She was scheduled for emergency surgery. When the DR went in he found what he described as 'crab meat' pieces of her discs.

    The thing is my sister ignored the severe to debilitating pain she had in her back for weeks before this happened. She saw a chiro as a last ditch effort for pain relief. The chiro, knowing she was not able to help her due to the severity of the damage, strongly urged and encouraged my sister to see a specialist. By the time my sister was forced into the ER, it was too late for physical therapy.

    The fragments and severe disc damage had been pressing on specific nerves which disabled my sister from being able to pee. It was horrifying to see her in that much pain, but amazing that it was as severe as it was and she was still trying to ignore it, hoping it would just fix itself.

    Your H is in for a terrible time if he ignores this any further. I'm very surprised the familiy doctor didn't make him go to the ER. Are you sure he actually went? And do you know if the doctor did say to go to the ER and he's just ignoring the advice?

    Please PLEASE, take care of YOURSELF first and foremost and find another place to stay. Your home is toxic and you can't help anyone if they don't want to help themself. We love you and only want you to be safe and at peace, kjs.
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    ditto what JOG said.

    Hun, your self worth have to come from inside of you. It is ok to be discouraged by others, but your life is ruled by how your family treats you.

    My husband has severe chronic pain. No on really knows why, other than he abused himself when he was younger. He is 41. For years he ignored it, and I started ignoring him. He would not go to a doctor, and I decided if you won't help yourself then I am not going to try to help you. Especially if you are an adult. Done end of story. I think you need to take this stance with your husband. He knows what to do to get help, and if he does not then let him suffer. If you can't take it, then make an ultimatum, but you HAVE TO make good on it. Years ago when my husband's drinking was out of control, I kicked him out. He went to jail for duii. When he was released he moved in with a friend. After several months of being out and not drinking, I let him move back in. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Always.

    I am glad you have this place. If you need to sit and cry then do so. But after that you need a plan. You are one of the most abused women I know, and it never used to be physical, but now it may head that way with you difficult child.

    No one can love you the way you want them to untill you love and respect your self.

    KJS, I believe all the advice here is offered to help you no matter what is said. No one is trying to degrade you. Many of us have in some way been where you are, acted in similiar ways.

    Are you still in therapy?
  4. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Hugs first. Then read and reread Jo's reply.

  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sending you a hug but I'm also sending you a warning. Your situation is not healthy for you or anyone in the household. In your role as "Mom" you have been trying to orchestrate the family.......they want to be in control. That means they have to ignore you, defy you or take you down.

    Don't threaten or talk about!

    Your departure will force them to take responsibility for their own choices without having you as the scapegoat. You are not their servant. They need to be accountable.

    Don't whine. Don't make excuses. Make a plan for yourself. Leave a list of appointment times etc. if you know they have obligations. Walk out the door and don't consider going back until you have written proof that they care enough about "the family" to have attended some counseling sessions. It's time for you to make choices for you and your future. DDD
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    More hugs and dittos.

    YOU DESERVE BETTER! At the very least, you deserve to not be treated the way they ALL are treating you. Unfortunately, they are probably not going to change until you do something drastic that makes them. IE - take care of YOU and get the heck outta dodge - with plans to stay out.

    Hugs girl. I know how hard it is. been there done that.

    Four Agreements. Get a copy and read it often.
  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I'm not tired of hearing about it. Big cyber hugs. You are being abused. Please find a therapist soon. There is a strong, self-respecting adult woman somewhere inside you just waiting to come out. Please go find her.
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am so sorry that they have stolen your worth and you allow them to abuse and disrespect you. People can only treat you the way you allow them to. I hope that you can find the strength to change the way you feel about yourself and get some help. You are in an abusive situation---please seek some counseling from a DVS....hugs
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    I can't possibly add anything to what has been said. I echo Jo and EWs' responses because they said exactly what I was looking for the words to convey. I see you in this prison of abuse that is a reflection of what you feel about yourself. It's a vicsious cycle and only you can stop it. It's an inside job. The more you take care of yourself, nurture yourself and put yourself first, the more you will attract that into your life and will reject abusive treatment. I am so sorry you hurt. Love, ML
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Your post made ME want to cry.

    Sweetie, you're being abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. It breaks my heart because no one should have to live that way.

    My advice to you is to go to your room. Pack a bag. Don't say a word to anyone. Walk out the front door and don't look back. Your a victim as long as you stay in that house living that h ell. But you don't have to be a victim.

    Call your local domestic violence hotline. The shelter will provide you with a place to stay and protection while you get your feet on the ground. Most provide wonderful therapy. They are people who understand, like us, and they really, really care.

    Even if you're not ready to leave......please call them and speak to them.

    Wish I could come in person to give you some huge hugs. As well as knock husband and the boy's heads together.
  11. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I honestly believe the disrespect I get from my two boys is due to the disrespect they have seen husband give me over the past 14 years.

    I would move that thought from a belief to an acual fact. I had a therapist tell me the exact same thing when I was having trouble in my marriage years ago. And a simple "is this the kind of relationship between two people you want your kids to emulate" was enough. The boys were 11 and 12 at the time, and gave me a lot of grief about tossing husband to the curb, but it was the best thing I have ever done for them. And yeah, its much better if children grow up in a two parent home, but I think the missing word here is STABLE. That was a favorite saying of my X - I don't want the boys comming from a "broken home" with divorced parents. My only interest was having the boys live in a stable home, and if it was with one stable parent, that was close enough for me.

    You know I am pretty much still a work in progress with my control issues - but thankfully miles away from where I once was. And will tell you straight out and admit that at times I was wresting with the control of things that people in my house did and did not do, well, that control did NOT come from a point of view that I wanted everything to run smooth and to be helpful, but from the point that I KNEW if I couldn't control whatever it happened to was, it was just going to be more carp for ME to deal with. It was "control stuff to avoid more stuff" situation. That is not even a sane thought process - and it didn't take all that long to put me on overload.

    I agree with the others to remove yourself from this situation. Something is seriously askew when things degererate into a physical altercation with a 14 year old and you guys have to be pulled off each other. Over the dang homework issue again. That is absolutely crazy behavior.... from both of you.

    I don't know anything more you can do except to call a therapist monday morning for an emergency appointment. The fact that you are not able to nag, suggest, repeat on end, fight or cry the males in your household into being more caring, more diligent, doing the right kind of thing kinda guys isn't registering.

    I hate to see you being abused, and I hate seeing you let yourself be abused. There has been numerous suggestions in the past by the board family how to get yourself out of this situation, the main one being counceling. Are you even still going??

    Hugs, I know how daunting the prospect is of being on your own, and all of the things you stand to lose, but the one thing that is too precious to lose is yourself and your sense of self worth.

  12. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    The problem with urination could be from his back, but it also could be a prostate problem.

    You deserve better at home. You know's up to you to make the necessary changes.
  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Yes I still see a counselor. Not as often as I would like.

    I have NO family that I even speak to. Even if I did the closes is 160 miles away. The only friend I really have lives 50 miles in the opposite direction of my work. Which would make my trip to work atleast 100 miles each way.

    I PAY for my house. Why should I also have to leave it? Can't afford to stay anywhere. I am just stuck.

    I tell the boys they are not to speak to me that way,,,,,but goes in one ear and out the other.

    I am having lunch today with one of my closest friends. A male friend. He is also a friend of our entire family. He stopped over last week and it was so nice to see him and chat with him. He has just gotten over a bout with prostrate cancer, then diabetic reaction (he was not a diabetic before the cancer). His job has moved and they are allowing him to stay in town until his daughter is out of school for the year. Then they will be moving to Minnesota.

    husband said it doesn't hurt when he actually pee's. His "nuts" hurt when he tries to pee.

    difficult child wondered if it could be a kidney stone. ??

    difficult child did go to the diabetes walk yesterday after baseball practice. We brought Kenzie. It was a walk around a lake across from his school. 2.5 miles, and you could walk as many times as you like...There were several dogs there. The teacher difficult child has become very close with and is staying with her after school doing work was there. She brought her two daughters and her Bull Mastiff. difficult child walked with her. Her dog, and kids walked very slow. I walked along the lake for a while and Kenzie swam a long time. At one point I turned around and difficult child had teachers 4 year old on his shoulders. Then about 3/4 way around I didn't see them. Got back to school and they had cheated. A staff member was circling the lake in a van in case someone couldn't make it. They jumped in the van. difficult child was off playing with the 4 year old. Teacher said she is really impressed with him. I guess - when there are other kids from school there and he hung with the teacher and her kids..

    Still, I appreciate all you say. I do know all of that. But at this time, I have no place to go. No where. Not even a friend to talk to. And even if I were to go to a hotel or something. I get out of work at noon. Check in isn't until 3. Checkout is at 11 the next morning and I wouldn't be there. I would be paying for 6 hours sleep and then checking out. I just can't do that.

    Thanks for giving me this place. I am sorry.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    husband needs to be checked for a hernia or cancer. A stone shouldn't make his testicles hurt with urination.

    Wish I could wave a magic wand for you, sweetie.

    I understand this all too well. We only have the house we're in because I got a nice insurance settlement after being hit by the truck and put an enormous downpayment on it. I struggled with letting it go. It was really hard to even think about because a house like this is something I'd dreamed about since I was just a little girl.

    About 2 yrs ago I realized that a house (even your dream house) is just a house. And a home is NOT a home if you're utterly miserable in it. Discovered much to my surprise that not even my dream home was worth living in misery. I can let it go now if I need to. When next spring comes and it's time for husband to leave, if he won't go willingly......I will. No regrets.

    If you can pay the house and can afford your own place. Once out, you don't pay the first set of bills, that is they're problem. If husband let's it go, it's on him. So what if it hurts your credit? Credit ratings can heal over time. It's just not worth all the misery they bring you.

    I know (and understand) you feel trapped. But when you are finally will find a way out.

  15. ML

    ML Guest

    DL brings up a great point. Letting the first set of bills go and accepting bad credit or probable foreclosure when husband didn't pick up the ball is a great example of mine. I worked so hard to establish good credit twice. I had to re-establish it after ex ruined it in a big way and I had to deal with bankruptcy. It's so hard at my age to consider doing that again. But DL is right, houses and credit are no reason to stay unhappy. It took me making the same mistake twice to learn about my patterns of codependency and I finally get it. I feel liberated and free in my spirit if not in tangible, physical ways. Only I can make me happy and it is not my job to do it for anyone else. This facet of the human condition is one we share KJS. Love and peace, ML
  16. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

  17. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    <<<gentle hugs>>> sweetie I have been where you are, the 1st step is the hardest, and it's a process, Lord knows almost 2 years later I am still fighting to get through it. But these boards are awesome and my divorce support group through my church is awesome, do you have an loval groups you can reach out to? PM me anytime, I am here, ianav
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    So true. That was me in my first marriage. I kept thinking of reasons why I couldn't just leave..."what about all my stuff?" "Where will I go?" How can I afford to raise two little girlies on nothing?" and then one day I woke up and I'd had enough and I had the strength to finally leave. When I left my exh, I took nothing, not even a fork. I left behind all of my household items, even pieces of furniture that had been in my family. I took my clothing & my stere and the girls' personal things and that was it. People wondered what I was thinking and now I know: It was that I needed to not only get out, but have a fresh start. It was the single most difficult transition I had ever gone through, but I never looked back.

    Kjs, when the time is right, none of the material things (yes, a house is a material item) will matter. Many hugs to you - please keep coming for support when you need it, even if we respond in ways you are not ready for. Much love.
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Kjs, I am so sorry. {{{hugs}}}

    Ignore the kids telling you you're mean. I mean, wear earplugs if you have to.

    In reg. to your husband, I am VERY concerned that he can't urinate. That could be a SERIOUS disk problem. (I realize it could be cancer, too.) And a chiro can't help when it gets to the point he can't urinate. This, coming from a chiro's wife. A good chiro will refer your husband to a surgeon, anyway, once the Xrays reveal the severity of the bulging disk.

    There's not a lot you can do about your husband if he ignores good advice. But I would try to protect myself financially. Clearly, he's in la-la land and he's going to be out of work soon.

    I hate to scare you, but I would make a move NOW rather than later.

    You've gotten some fantastic ideas and advice here. I know you are scared. But you are not alone. You are smart and strong or you wouldn't be posting notes like this. You know there is another way.

    You can go to a women's shelter, the Salvation Army, and other places. Pick up the ph Mon. and start calling.
  20. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member


    Now please start taking care of you.