husband - back

skeeter

New Member
I had purchase our house - 3 years before we were married. We had one year left on the mortgage when I filed for divorce. I "let" him keep the house, and he refinanced half of it to give me as my half during the divorce (Ohio is a 50/50 state). Yes, it was tough letting go of that house. My dad and I had spent a lot of time remodeling it. But it hadn't been kept up during the 16 years of my marriage - and a house built in 1915 has to be constantly kept up. It was much better for me to start fresh. I used my "half" on a downpayment on a house less than 1/4 a mile away, so the kids could walk between the two, they didn't have to change schools, etc.

As to wanting kids to be in a 2 parent home - my kids (and my daughter in law) have come to me numerous times since and asked me how I actually stayed married to their father for as long as I did. Without me around to run interferance, they now "see" him in true form. They also have said knowing me and my husband has shown them what a true partnership is about. When my kids need advice, it's not their father they ask - it's us - and sadly their father still doesn't see that.

No matter what, you do NOT deserved to be hit by anyone. That is a huge flag to me that you need to do something, and that something is getting out of the situation.

Please take care of yourself. Let everyone else fend for themselves. Just pack and GO. There are extended stay hotels with kitchenettes, that are really fairly reasonable. Or as stated, go to a shelter. And go talk to a lawyer. You need to get the financial stuff straightened out NOW.
 

Lothlorien

Active Member
There are other solutions to some of the questions that you posed.

What about putting husband out?


Motels will rent for the week....so that issue with the check in/out shouldn't be a problem.

I expect that if you just left for a few weeks, without paying the bills or doing all that you do, they might just realize what they are missing. OOOOOOOORRRRRR....they would pick up the slack and do what was necessary. You can work off that.

Before you do anything, you may want to consult with an attorney.

At this point, you may not wish to do any of that at all, but there will come a time where you are at a breaking point and just aren't willing to put up with it anymore. Having a plan in effect will help, so you don't do anything rashly and angrily that you would regret later. Personally, my temper gets the better of me, sometimes.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
NOTHING - in that house - OR that house is worth what you are worth.

A woman who doesn't know her value should seek out those who can help her find out her true worth -- especially if she's supporting people who make her feel worthless.

Hugs
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Kjs, you need to first realise - you are in "fix it_ mode. You have been trying to fix your husband. And has it worked? No, he keeps doing what he wants to do, almost in spite of your nagging.

You tryto "fix" your sons. You want difficult child to do something good for someone else and you use emotional blackmail, whatever it takes - and boy, does he know how to play you. First he agrees (I bet he agreed reluctantly, just to shut you up) and then he keeps changing his mind. He knows how to play you. He didn't look for sponsors - why should he? it's not HIM who wants this done.

They all blame you, because after all, YOU are the fixer, the one who does things. That is your job, in their eyes. And if it's your job, why should any of them ever do anything? You're always there, their conscioence sitting on theirshoulder, tellingthem what to do. Paying the bills. Being a mother. nagging.

I remember one evening asking difficult child 1 to help me cook (I needed a strong hand stirring the pot) and he objected. I said, "YOu need to learn how to do thisanyway, one day you will have to look after yourself."
He expressed disbelief, said he would make sure he married someone who would cook.
I said, "Do you think I do all this work because I enjoy it?"
His reply floored me. "Yes," he said. "Of course you enjoy it. You're a mother. it's what mothers do. of course mothers enjoy what they do. Always. Mothers love changing dirty nappies, working in the kitchen, doing the washing - why should I interfere with your enjoyment by taknig any of it away from you?"
He was not joking. He was serious - he really believed it. husband had to stop me from wealking out at that minute and leaving them all to it without me, while I moved in with a friend for a few days.

At one stage a number of years ago, husband did to me what your H has done to you, health-wise. We worked out, it's a bloke thing - they HATE to admit to any physicalf rtailty, especially to a male health care worker. And especially to an attractive female health care worker who they want to impress with their youth and virility. They also need to be valued an indispensible at work because they have to feel that they can provide for their family (even if their wife goes out to work also) because simply knowing they CAN provide, is enough.

So anyone reminding them that they aren't actually what they beleive themselves to be (fit, healthy, young, virile, attractive) is a mean, nasty nag and bearer of bad tidings.
In our case - husband said to me, "I'm tired al lthe time, this is not right."
I replied, "You need to see the doctor, will I make an appointment for you?"
He reuctantly agreed.
So we went to the doctor. He & I always go in with each other to appointments. That day we went in, sat down, the doctor said, "What seems to be the trouble?"
husband said, "Nothing really, I'm only here because she made me come."
The doctor (male) immediately looked infulgently and exasperatedly in my direction, patted husband on the back for having a wife who cared about him, however misguidedly and mistakenly, and sent us on our way.
Outside I tore strips off husband. "You made me look like an idiot in there! You've been complaining about being tired for ages - well, no more complaints. If you were really as concerned as you made me feel, you would have told the doctors. So if you're not really tired, then shut up about it because I'm not gonig to be listening to another word of complaint. No more consideration form me of, 'oh, he's tired.' You can go jump in the lake."
(Only where I told him to go was far more explicit, as well as what he should do to himself when he got there).
I refused to make another appointment for him, and I also refused to give ANY ear to further concerns. If he whined about being tired or in pain, I told him, "You know what you have to do. I'm not listening."
husband, to his credit, was profusely apologetic. I still made him make his own appointment and I sitll went in with him, but I was totally silent. I listned as husband stammered to the doctor, "Actually, when I was here last there was something wrong, I just didn't know how to say it." He then went on to explain his own concerns. I sat there silent, giving no help whatsoever. However, I DID take notes and was able to support husband at home when he asked things like, "Did the doctor say to take these twice a day or three times?"
husband has never done that to me again. Not ever. But if I had not forced the issue the way I did, he would have continued behaving this way, complaining to me but insisting on keeping a very different "public" face even with people he needs to help him.

Kjs, your husband is playing you (where do the boys learn it?). He complains to you, because you will fix it. You fix everything. He doesn't have to woprry about things, you do al lthe worrying for him. He's told not to lift things; he knows you will do the not lifting for him because when you tell him, it's the same as him not doing it. He undoubtedly tells the doctor, "No, I don't lift anything, my wife nags me if I do."
The crazy thing is, he probably beleives this.

You now need to do the hardest thing - you need to completely shut off out of fixing mode. Completely. If you must, then warn the school that for X period of time, you will be unavailable to rescue anybody. You will step back from doing any help at all, any reminding at all, you are going on a holiday. You are permitted to make a list of hwat needs to be done, who needs to be paid how much and when, leave a copy of this on the computer and print a copy to stick on the fridge.

Take two weeks off work (a month if you can arrange it) and go stay with your parents. Or your friend. Plan your own itinerary.

THIS IS NOT A SELFISH ACT. You will be doing this to save your family form themselves. They MUST learn to do things for themselves, they MUST have the opportunity to make a mess, so they can learn several things:

1) how much you really do that they're not aware of - you make tyjings seem so effortless and easy, that of course it's not you doing anything, life just happens to work out for them and it's not your doing at all;

2) how much they NEED to do for themselves, to stop things falling apart.

WHile you're warning the school, also warn the bank, the phone company, anybody else - the bills may not get paid on time, please be aware of this, these are the circumstances, could these people please lend you a hand in this and make the lesson hit home hard, but not permanently hard? IN other words, a friendly call from the bank saying, "The mortgage payment is one day late, we're about to forclose," need not really be about to happen (and no added penalty, since you warned them - mayb even quietly pre-pay it, if they can play along and help). If the bank can help with this, because your aim (and surely the bank's aim?) is to teach financial responsibility to others in the family, the only way that now will work.

Now, to husband's problem. How bad is it really? Because if he really has anuria (a total inability to urinate) then he should be in hospital for urgent treatment, within hours. His bladder could burst. The body continues to produce urine, and if it doesn't get out, what can happen?
There can be all sorts of problems here, including possibly a kidney stone. If he's been sleeping around there are other STDs that can cause this too, but there are some totally innocent causes as well, including prostate problems. YOu can get an enlarged prostate for all sorts of reasons. Age is also a factor. Difficulty in urination is NOT as bad as total failure for the waterworks to function. And again, a disc problem can cause this.

If he won't do anything to help himself, if he keeps doing the wrong thing, stop being involved. Stop caring if he is in pain, because he obviously doesn't care.

If he next complains about his problem, just look at him wide-eyed. "How on earth could this have gotten worse? YOu were promised that this would get better. All you had to do was get physical therapy, see the chiropractor, stop lifting heavy things - you should be the picture of health right now, because I KNOW you've done all those things you should have. So of course there can be nothing wrong. Stop trying to scare me, and get on and do your usual stuff. Nothing wrong with you, how can there be?"

Keep it up. The only way out for him, is to stand there and say, "What do you mean, woman? You know I never saw no darn chiropractor, we didn't do the water therapy thing because I thinnk it's stupid. I won't stop lifting no darn piles of washing or carry the dog when I darn well feel like it. So of course my back hurts!"

THis gives you the chance to say, at last, "Oh, so you now admit you shouldn't have done those things? Well, that's a start. Are you going to tewll the doctor, or do you want me to? On second thought, YOU are going to tell the doctor. I wash my hands of you."

YOu have to stop fixing it. You have to stop protecting people form the world and form the consequences of teir own actions.

And I do agree with you about difficult children baseball. Anything he's good at, deserves to stay and be encouraged. Just encourage him to put the same effort into things he's not good at, to maximise his potential. Encourge, don't pressure. There is a differencde.

And whenever you feel they're slacking off too much and trying emotional blackmail back on you, take more time off work and find someone else to stay with. Maybe even a friend from work, so you can go to and from work with them? I have even been known to sleep at work, on the couch (long story).

Good luck. Get firm.

Marg
 
Top