husband...Biodad....Jealousy...AARRRGGGHHH!!!

ShakespeareMamaX

New Member
<3 Thanks, Tammy. :)

Now, everyone. I'm taking a poll, but I'm going to put it in the watercooler, as it's specifically about husband.

As for difficult child, I guess he actually sat in class yesterday, but still refuses to do work. It's a step, I suppose...
 

Marguerite

Active Member
I've just been going over this whole thread i a lot more detail.

This sounds to me like a set-up. Maybe he's not done this consciously, but he is setting you up to be dependent ON HIM. It's a control thing, some blokes are like this. You have been dependent on him to drive you places, to help get difficult child to school, etc. He puts pressure on you to be what he wants you to be. He doesn't want you to change too drastically, he doesn't want you to earn your own money, he doesn't want you to sell the house or make any changes there. He hid the mail from you, perhaps partly because he wanted to handle it, and perhaps partly so you wouldn't feel the need to take action.
What has happened - you have needed to take difficult child to appointments, to collect him from school etc. And if you have no other option, what else do you do, but contact the child's other parent? At least HE has been available and willing to help in practical ways.
And of course, this is very much NOT what husband wants you to do - he needs you to KNOW just how helpless you are.

You mentioned getting a mobility scooter - I have one, I can recommend them under certain conditions. But I suspect that if you got one, husband would find ways to sabotage you and your use of the scooter. You might find it unplugged with batteries drained. Or you might find the plug or charger missing or misplaced. You might find that where you need to plug it in is "really in the way" and he will complain about it. Of course, even if you choose a place to keep the scooter, somewhere it is out of the way and can trickle-charge, suddenly it will be the very spot husband needs for something vital.
My prediction.

(And please note - I am NOT speaking from experience, my husband is very considerate about my mobility needs).

If you get a mobility scooter, make sure it can do the route you need it to, with no problems. You should be able to test one before purchase, to make sure it can manage the terrain you need it to. Research it thoroughly - PM me if you want to pick my brains over what type, the range, etc.

By being so restricting, husband has forced you to rely on your EX. And he doesn't like this at all, because AGAIN, you are not sufficiently dependent on him.

If my husband was 'out with the boys' until 5.30 am, and had not organised it with me ahead of time, AND was rude about it, I'd be locking doors also, and not getting up to open them if he came in belligerent when people were trying to sleep. Now, if he WANTED to spend time out with mates until all hours, then talking about it ahead of time is the way to go. It's a mutual respect thing. "Honey, me and the fellas are having a late night chin-wag and probably a few drinks as well. We'll be in Alf's shed, back of his place. Don't know what time it will go to."
That way I would know to not expect him, or expect anything from him, until after he had come home AND gotten some sleep. It also means that when he's later home that I expect, I would understand because he had let me know ahead of time to not expect him for dinner.
We expect the same from our adult kids. They drive their own cars, they come and go when they please. But I expect them to let me know if they won't be home for dinner. I also expect them to let me know, if they will be home after midnight. That way I can leave the front light on for them. Otherwise - at midnight, the lights go off and I turn the house into Fort Knox.

We also have another rule - no calls to the house after 9.30 pm, except for emergencies. husband & I need our sleep, and we have a phone right next to the bed which will wake us if it rings. And husband especially is likely to answer it with a growled, "Whaddayawant, this'd better be good."

You need rules - rules for the house, rules for the relationship. These rules are connected to the need for respect. What does this teach difficult child, and easy child, if they see you and husband not respecting one another? Why should difficult child respect you, if he sees you letting husband be so disrespectful?

I have a rather awkward question for you - your current physical disability; was there any inkling of this when you and husband got together? Because there are some men who will actively seek out an apparently dependent woman, as someone who will be easier for them to control. A woman I know finally left her abusive husband after 25 years. She was disabled when they met (born with a degenerative neurological condition, originally thought to be cerebral palsy). No modifications were made to the house, he wouldn't allow it. He allowed her wheelchair on the car, but wouldn't allow modifications - she had to drive without hand controls, when she was barely able to feel her feet, let alone use them properly. It was a manual car. No power steering, no power brakes. She managed, but finally found removable hand controls so he couldn't argue.
If he wanted to limit her mobility, he put her wheelchair up in the backyard. As her boys grew up, they learned that they could hide their mother's crutches and could then go wherever they wanted, she couldn't go after them.
As I said, she finally left him - all the limitations he put on her forced her to find other ways to cope, as long as she could. And she learned to do so much on her own, she was ABLE to get away.
He married a woman he thought he could control, and would get violent when he was defied. Their boys have grown up to be abusive like their father, because they saw their mother apparently allowing this, even though she would argue with him about what he did.

She's now permanently in a wheelchair, has her own automatic car with hand controls and power steering and has actually let her husband move in to her new home, which is equipped with all the hand rails, lifting seats, slide boards etc that she needs. But he is only there on HER terms. Maybe now he's older and mellowed, he no longer feels the same need to control her. Maybe he finally respects and values the strong woman he married. Who knows?

But if you had mobility problems when you met husband, or in some other way seemed to be someone who 'needed' a man to do things for you, then he would be doing his best to keep you dependent.
Unfortunately, with some women the more you put limitations on them, the more they learn to manage for themselves.

I hope you can come to some reasonable conclusions.

Marg
 

ShakespeareMamaX

New Member
Well, I posted in the Water cooler that my husband and I (more I) have called it quits. i have an apt set up, my sis is selling her car to me and i have all the support in the world (thanks to you guys, as well!).

I had no noticable physical problems when we first met. I agree with your suggestions of control, too.

I'm very tired, but go to the watercooler, everyone! I'll give you the good, the bad and the ugly details. /:}
 
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