husband does not believe

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mom23gsfg, Dec 21, 2007.

  1. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    my husband(difficult child's stepdad) refuses to see my son has mental issues .we fight about htis constanly.he thinks he just wants to get by with the things he does and that there's nothing wrong with him and that he does not need medications.he refuses to see that my son needs has gotten so frustrating i am thinking of leaving him!
    i know everyone is entitled to therir own oppinion but when he says things like this it makes my son act the same way.and he will start refusing to take his medications and going to his beginning to believe it is the only choice i have so he will get there any way i can make him see he's jus a little boy that needs help?nothing i say works .he doesnt believe in mental disorders and ect.,and seeing counselors but i stand my ground.
  2. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    (((Jessica))), I feel for you. My husband didn't want son on medications either but he went along.

    in my humble opinion... you do what you need to do for your son. I would really hate to see your relationship with your husband go down the drain but he is an adult. Your son is not and he needs you and all the help you can get for him. Follow your heart.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I posted the following to a gentleman who felt the same way:

    Has someone that you're dealing with have an ODD diagnosis? Here's the difference between ODD and a kid with an attitude.

    A kid with an attitude can stop when they don't get thier way. Depending on their age, the "opposition" is appropriate. Terrible twos, the "why" threes, quick tantrums at 4, constant questioning until you're blue in the face. It happens on the occasion and discipline results in eventual correction of the behavior.

    ODD - whoa! They kick and scream until they literally drop from exhaustion. Some days it's morning noon and night. The slightest thing (sometimes even a misplaced "I love you") will bug them out so completely that you are dumbfounded. Discipline most often results in one of two things. Continuation/escalation or a repeat of the offense in a more offensive way.

    The problem is that ODD rarely stands alone. It's usually a manifestation of another issue. I've got one who has Aspergers syndrome (a high functioning type of autism) who will on the most glorious day outside, will fight you to the death that it's going to rain ANY MINUTE NOW!

    So before you set your mind that ODD is a crock, take a true look at whomever ended up with landing you here and ask yourself the question "could I do something to help or am I mired in my opinion so much that I won't bother".

    All of this is said with absolute respect and nonjudgementally. Take a deep look and see!

    <span style='font-family: Courier New'> </span> I feel for people who button up life in a box. It means that they aren't going to see the success that is potentially there for your kids.

    Have you read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? He discusses the difference between normal wiring and different wiring.

    You could also try this: Turn to your husband and say "would you knock a kid out of his wheelchair, hide the remote and order him to change the channel?". When he says "no" then ask him why he expects your kids to function without the appropriate supports in place.

    Just some ideas as one who's gone through the denial game with my husband!

  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Is there any way you could get him to simply stand to the side and do/say nothing? I think it is harder for stepparents to accept mental issues than a parent, especially on the male side. It just goes against everything they've been raised to believe.

    It is one thing to disagree. It is another to hinder. I lived with a man for 4 years who didn't believe my daughter's issues were anything more than she was a spoiled brat. I finally got him to agree to keep his opinions to himself and let me raise my daughter as I saw fit. I'm sure there were times he was seriously biting his tongue but at least he kept quiet. There were times I could have used his help but I knew that could not be. He was there for me and held me and cuddled me when I was overwhelmed but he said nothing. This actually worked well for us until his death.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I feel for you, but know of no way to force anyone to believe something if they are stubborn and unyielding. Will he go to your son's sessions with you? Maybe he'll listen to a professional. I take it, this isn't his son? Is there an active bio. father?
    I certainly wouldn't let hub influence how I treated my son or the help I got for him.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Have you told him how strongly you feel about this? Are you really considering leaving him, or do you only feel like leaving him? Husbands are a lot like our kids when it comes to saying things such as "I swear to goodness it makes me want to leave you when you do that!" If you say it and don't do it, it only makes it worse.

    This is a personal observation from me, and maybe I am way off base. Your son is 15 years old, so really he's not a little boy any longer. He's a young man. Legally you'll find that it has been a very long time since your son was obligated to participate in the mental health treatment you want him to do.

    I hope that you will find a way to get you and your husband on the same page. It sounds as though your son has been very successfully triangulating.

    I liked nvts' list. I'd like to add for your husband, 'just because he seems like a really snotty spoiled brat doesn't mean there isn't something wrong with him...' :wink:

    Good luck!
  7. Michellenurse0

    Michellenurse0 New Member

    Gosh, I can totally relate. My husband has been in denial for years over his sons ADHD, ODD, and depression. My son took this sassy test and another test and both test revealed that he has severe depression and a drug dependance problem. MY husband said to the social worker well, what if he lied on the test. How do you know that it is accurate! OH MY GOSH!!! Talk about denial. I started taking care of my son and not worrying about what my husband wanted. My husband always says that these are his choices and he just does what he wants and thats nothing! And i continue to enable him. I am a mother , i will never stop helping my children but i have stopped enabling them. I stopped telling him about everything and delt with my difficult child myself and god took care of it all. My difficult child who got in lots of trouble had to go to court and the court mandated family counseling! He had to talk about his denial of his sons disorder. It seems to have helped us out alot. Be patient and take care of your child. Things will work out. I thought about leaving my husband many times thinking "its better for my difficult child!" but its not true. I also stopped fighting in front of my son. Talkig to my husband in another room and not raising my voice. We tried different medications too. Ambilify has helped alot. Good luck. And keep on helping your son. It will pay off in the end.