Going Green
I swear, if it weren't for the fact that he's 6'5" and 300lbs, I could just shake husband till he rattles sometimes. We were at a friends house tonight playing cards. Somehow the subject gets on another friend of ours and husband makes some joking comment about him and calls him a particular name that back in the "old days" used to mean happy. (Which he's not but that's beside the point.....sort of) Of course he's in front of difficult child at the time. I've had conversations many times with husband about saying those types of things in front of difficult child. In this case it was a joke and husband has never referred to anyone in a derrogatory fashion with names like that. However, difficult child (because of his past before we got him) already has a very distorted view of all things s e x u a l and I have spent the last 8 years trying to sort him out. (it's nothing HUGE but big enough I want to do what I can to get it all straight in his head) Every freaking time this happens, husband can't for the life of him, understand why I get mad and we have the same conversations over and over. I'll get comments like "Oh, he's 17, it's just a joke and he knows it" or "He's 17, I said the same kind of things when I was his age" blah blah blah blah. Well No! You can't say those things around him because he takes them to heart. And I don't really care what you said when you were 17 because when you were 17, you didn't have the same history and you understood what was what...difficult child doesn't. Not to mention the fact that emotionally/socially difficult child isn't NEAR 17 or did you forget that part?

Is it going to take me smacking husband upside the head before he gets it or "remembers" not to say things like that??? :grrr:
I realize that difficult child is almost grown and is capable of forming his own opinions and that's fine. But while he's in this house, there will be no derogatory remarks, no "jokes", none of that.
I'll talk to husband and think he gets it and then he turns around and pulls crap like this.


Active Member
Hi! Been there, done that! Then when difficult child says something "off-color" or politically incorrect, he'll be the first to flip out (especially if it happens in public) and wonder "where he got THAT!"

Good luck!

timer lady

Queen of Hearts

There are times we just slip up - husband's in particular. It's so difficult to maintain the therapeutic mentality at all times. Having said that respect is another thing.

husband will say something off color in front of kt & I cringe. Then I realize that my kids have heard that & worse between foster care, hospitalizations, RTCs, day treatment, etc. & have survived comments far worse.

husband catches himself, apologizes & we move on. With all the anger that has been brought into this house with mental illness & such I refuse to add further to it if I can possibly help it.



Going Green
Yeah, I know, especially now that I've calmed down. It just gets so frustrating when I tell husband things (difficult child-related and otherwise) and he continually "forgets". (Took the man two years to remember that I don't like my feet messed with. Kept doing it till I finaly accidently kicked him in the head one time)

(Cause you know, WE never forget or mess up! :wink: )

It's just that things like that stick with difficult child and he believes everything he hears. Plus he feels like he can say anything he wants and get away with it if he says he's just joking. And for me, that type of thing is a button issue. I guess I'm just oversensitive about it because it deals with sex. Thanks to his BM, he had a very early education seeing her behaviors and I just want him to have a healthy view of that side of things. Siiiigh.....just one of those over reaction days I guess.

timer lady

Queen of Hearts

The tweedles have been, as you know, sexualized far too young as well. While husband & I do our best to give them both a healthier view on that aspect of life, I fear that those memories will always be there.

And there isn't much we can do - it will be up to our children to decide what is healthy & appropriate. You've done a good job with your difficult child.

I understand your frustration & anger, hon. If you can let it go today & move on. :flower:
Wow. I could so see where you are coming from, Mustang Chick. I mean, it's not like you can protect him from hearing that anywhere in life; it is the principle of the whole thing that you have told husband not to say things like that, and he "slipped" anyways. You would expect that there would be a safety cushion in your own home.

My DEX has the foulest mouth going. He also "forgets" that it is not OK for our 6 year old daughter to see rated R movies. It's like, are you kidding me?

There's a bone missing in some of these DHs all right.


Well-Known Member
My husband is fine about sexual stuff, but swears a blue streak and claims he can't stop because "I got used to it in the Air Force." I guess he shouldn't be surprised when both kids start swearing like sailors. I certainly can't do much about it. My oldest one still at home, who is fourteen, has Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and thinks it's horrible to swear and never copies husband. I'm sure daughter will pick up his language though. They are very close.
As for the word you're talking about, both of my kids knew it by kindergarten and my daughter uses it sometimes in her everyday speech with her friends. It's really "out there" right now.


New Member
That word is used by most kids these days to say something is "not right". Its an insult. Its sad too, because those who choose this lifestyle have to hear it, all around. Rosie O'Donnell commented on hearing it when she went to get some pizza one day. Some teens in the next booth used it. It would be nice if we could instantly stop our kids from saying or hearing these things, but unfortunately, unless we own a bunch of plastic bubbles, its not going to happen.

I understand your frustration. Its that you've had this conversation with your husband so many times, he should know better by now. Unfortunately, we all mess up. Hope things have smoothed over since!
I have to fess up here too. Growing up (Jr high, highschool, even early 20s) I used that word in place of stupid. Not like you would say a person was stupid, but "omigod, did you see what Lulu is wearing? She looks SO ___" OR "This test that Mr. McTeacher gave us is the ___est!"

Now this was some time ago. Nobody knew any gay people. Anyone who was gay was in the closet. This of course is not across the board, but it was the rule, not the exception (in MY part of town at least).

Fast forward 20 years, and my older daughter had kids in her highschool who were gay and proud. We've come a long way.

I'm ashamed at how I acted when I was younger. Of course, to make myself feel better, I just think about the fact that my mom smoked during her pregnancy with me.



Well-Known Member
I understand. on the other hand, haven't you noticed that men and women do
not communicate the same way!!!!! Even when kids aren't around
it is hard to stay on the same page. Stress! DDD