husband had an affair

Fran

Former desparate mom
I'm sorry for all the losses you have had in recent weeks. It seems correct that he hopes you will leave so he is not the bad guy. I understand he isn't terrible or a burden to live with but people change over the years. We never know what we or they will change into and he seems to have an excuse for everything.
The timing of this little escapade may not be a coincidence. If this is when you need him the most and he fails miserably then he thinks you will leave. Pretty manipulative. He does sound needy. He wants you to be excited he called???? :hammer:

I'm a big fan of compartmentalizing. Put this to the side until you deal with dad and all the emotions of a very ill mom and her death.
By the time you are ready to deal with husband you will be cool, calm,collected and lethal. :thumb: Lying is a scummy thing to do.
Hugs for you all around. It's been a crappy few weeks.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Karen

I'm really sorry husband did this to you.

But I'm hard pressed to believe his "excuse" for his affairs. If your feelings of intimacy and romance are the same as they were when he met you, then he knew what he was getting. And to go out during such a horrific time for you and be with this woman when his place was to be at your side to support you in your grief.... Well, that would surely send me a clear picture of exactly how he felt about me!

My husband has had affairs throughout our marriage. At first I refused to believe the evidence staring me in the face. Then I tried to find out the "why" to his cheating. Then as he slowly managed to kill any romantic love I'd ever felt for him I began to see reality.

My husband cheated because he wanted to. His reasons had nothing to do with me. His cheating was betraying me, and the ultimate in disrespecting me as his wife and partner. No excuse can cover that. Not when he could tell me he wasn't happy and end the relationship. Which would have been the respectful thing to do.

husband knows he's hurting you every time he cheats. But he still cheats. And as long as you stay where you are he will most likely continue to cheat. Why? Cuz he can get away with it.

My husband and I will probably always be friends. He makes a pretty great friend. Just a rotten husband and not so great dad. But I'm in the process of reclaiming my life and self respect. Once my education is finished husband will be gone. I figure after all those years (24) he owes me that much.

Do what you need to do first. You don't have to rush into any discisions. You can take you time and decide what YOU want.

Sending warm thoughts and many gentle ((((hugs))))
 
F

flutterbee

Guest
(((((hugs)))))

I have always hated the excuse of not being happy or something is missing when one cheats. As if there is any justification. Bottom line is it's an incredibly selfish act; absolutely no regard for the spouse.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
I've never been in your shoes but one of my sister's was some
years ago. She was completely heartbroken and only shared her
pain with me via telephone calls from five or six states away.

I'm pretty even tempered, as you know, but I wanted to just shred
my brother in law to bits. Fortunately I was able to keep from saying how
I felt about him. I focused on her. What did she think was the
best future for her? The children? I offered all the supports I
could and suggested that "if" she wanted to move on alone I would
help her find a "killer" attorney etc.

In September they are celebrating their Golden Anniversary. I
was their maid of honor and husband and I are going out of town to take them out for a fancy dinner. Once her initial pain wore off
my sister developed an individual strength that she never had before. She agreed to stay married but made it clear that she
would never again "need" to be married to him like she did before.

They truly came out of the crisis as a much happier healthier
couple. It can happen. on the other hand, I still haven't forgiven him..lol.
Nobody knows that, however, except my CD family as of now. DDD
 

Fran

Former desparate mom
DDD makes a good point for you to consider. There are those who get through this trauma and come out better than before. Doesn't help make the pain any easier though.
 

gottaloveem

Active Member
Hi Karen,
I am so sorry you have to deal with such a heartbreak. I don't have great advice to give you. I just wanted to offer my support.

By the way, I am a very huggy, kissie person, but I do realize that not everybody is, so I am very careful not to go there with those friends and family.

Sending strength and cyber hugs (well cyber hugs you don't mind right?)

(((((HUGS)))))
 

wakeupcall

Well-Known Member
Karen, I can't believe you're having to deal with this along with the death of your mom. For NOW, detach from husband and handle the business at hand. You have no choice.

I've been married 37 years. Some things have happened along the way....well, not until about seven years ago....that I am unable to forgive and forget (not infidelity). Our entire marriage has changed and I still don't know what to make of it....and still not sure I can live with it. I told him at the time I didn't know if I could live with it.....I'm still trying, but not sure I want to. Weigh everything very carefully. It's very difficult to give up a marriage of any length, much less one of LOTS of years. No, I'm not happy, but I don't know what to do about it. I feel for you.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Karen,

I'm so very sorry. What a horrible kick in the gut at a very trying time in your life. Shame on your husband!

Don't turn this back on yourself. Not liking to hold hands or show constant physical affection (I'm the same way) is not an excuse for your husband to have an affair.

Sending a big {{{hug}}}.

~Kathy
 
G

guest3

Guest
Hugs and Prayers, this could be me down the road if I stay with d/h, d/h is also very needy
 

Lothlorien

Active Member
I saw this, but just couldn't get around to posting. Things are a bit nuts around here. Sorry for not offering any support.

I am truly sorry that this butthead couldn't get his head out of the sand and realize how much he was hurting you and your family by pulling this, especially right now.
 

KFld

New Member
I think the thing that kills me the most, and I really think he thought it would make the situation sound better???? was when he said he told her he would never leave me and he told me that also. What that says to me is that if I didn't catch him, he would have continued to see her, or if he didn't really like her, he'd eventually find someone else to fill that void.

He says things like he didn't find her, she found him. Like that makes a difference. He chose to be with her.

What he needs to understand is that if he had come to me after all these years of dealing with this issue and said, I really can't live like this anymore. I think we should separate and see if it's the answer and then he really thought about whether being with someone else is what he really needed, this could have gone a much different way. I don't fault people for there needs and I know you can't make anyone feel differently then they do, but I know there is a right and wrong way to decide what to do about it. Just as much as I can't help what I need and don't need, I don't fault him for what he needs.

I go see the counselor today at noon. I can't wait. The past two days we have gone through the motions in front of everyone, especially now that my dad is here and my entire family was over last night, and then we go to bed and don't even say goodnight. I just don't know what to say???? I need to get into counseling so I don't say the wrong things.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
Karen, you are wise to get to counseling.

Many marriages have survived more than differences in romance or holding hands. Many marriages have survived affairs.

Things must be so different about each of you after 26 years of changing and growing. You still get along - which in itself is amazing, in my humble opinion. I wonder how often you both explore the changes in each other and in the couple that you are.

I made a promise to ask my boyfriend twice a year if the relationship we have is meeting his needs. I figured since he was not going to bring it up (at least he did not last time) I better force the issue now and then. So far, he has told me both times his needs are being met. Mine are, too.

If husband came to you and said his needs are being met except for the hand holding (example) would you hold hands with him once a week? What needs of yours aren't being met?
 

saving grace

New Member
Karen sorry I havent been following post that much either my comp was down for a bit and I have been distracted with other things. I am so so sorry for all that you are going through in your personal life right now. I wish there was something I could say.
I am the same way as you are, I am not touchy feely at all. It makes me uncomfortable.

Here to listen

Grace
 
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