Husband has an adult child that was adopted.

kim75062

Active Member
Through some snooping of Facebook profiles I probably shouldn't have been doing, but did anyway I figured out her parents profiles.

I've found that the parents are fairly well off, there is a dad in the picture but with a job that seems to require a lot of traveling.


His daughter has been on more extravagant vacations then most people's honeymoons from the pictures I've found. They seem to look like a genuinely happy family and I'm so glad for that. Unfourtunatly there may be some truth to her saying they treated her differently after having their own biochild. After biochild is born daughter disappears from almost all posted family photos. Except one or 2 a year. Biochild and parents have 100s posted over the last few years together.

Also mom is a social worker, so she's probably more prepared for this then anyone and explains why she's fine with daughter going to meet our family and not ok with the biomom meeting her alone. I'm sure she's already looked up and background checked us all (I know I would of lol)

Now to worry about biomom taking advantage of daughter. Biomom is as I said manipulative and greedy, and also single with a just above minimum wage job.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
As an adoptive mom with a BFF who was adopted, i stand by not showig up as a family. It is way too soon. Dad and her need to bond first. Let the girls just FB. Thats enough.

This woman most certainly could have many issues. Until you know she is safe and sane kerp the others out of it. She is going to feel bad about her background. No way to avoid that. None. She will probably resent your kids who grew up in the same house as her dad. Expect these things. Dont be romantic. This young woman must have serious problems. Expect your family to also have problems with her.

Go slow. Go slow. Go slow. Adopted kids who were passed around and/or adopted at older ages tend to be emotionally messed up. We and most in our large adoptive parent group learned this. This woman is a stranger.

Go sloooooow. Bio. Dad and daughter only until a relationship is formed...a stable one. Dont overwhelm her. Dont try to squeeze her into a family quickly.

Good luck to all.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I agree with going slow. I also agree that your husband will probably need some support after he meets his oldest daughter for the first time. Is there any way that you could leave the younger children at home and just you and hubby go for a long weekend trip to meet her? Then hubby could go to meet her while you stay in the hotel room or whatever, and were there when he got back from meeting her? I think having the kids there might be too much. I think it might be overwhelming for everyone.

Has his daughter told you that the family treated her differently after having their biological daughter? I missed that if you posted it. Don't judge by photos alone. If you were to judge by photos alone, you would think my family didn't take me on any trips or do anything with me when I was a teen. Reality is that I went on more trips than my brother and did FAR more with my parents than he did. I was the well behaved child and got WAY more privileges. They also had more money when I was in junior high and high school. There are fewer photos of me because I didn't want to be in the photos. I was the one taking the photos - it was my passion. IF all you saw were the photos of our family and our life, you would think that I was excluded from everything because I was not in the photos. It especially drove my mother nuts as she spent hundreds of dollars on photography but had very few photographs of her only daughter.

You have excellent instincts for the most part. Follow them, but go even slower than you think you should. If there is any way at all to leave your kids at home for a weekend trip to have the first meeting, that might be the way to do this. You are exceptionally wise to realize that this young woman will need her support system near for this meeting and so will your husband. They are lucky (and blessed) to have you in their lives.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Pictures mean nothing. None of my kids like to be in pictures so I dont have as many as I would like. Also it is easier to like (which is different than love) a child who is warm and affectionate than a more aloof child (most teens). If we are honest, usually we connect better with certain children, but that does not mean we love any of them any less. Dont automatically buy that this young woman was mistreated. She is a stranger. You have no idea what her motive is for coming forward. Is your husband a good provider?

Guard your heart. You do not know this young woman. She was adopted as an older child...she has been tossed around. Hub should get to know her well before immersing her in the family. Is she honest, kind, loving? Does she eventually show anger, resentment? Does she tend to be entitled? Would she steak, use drugs, does she work? Is she safe?

She is going to have issues, but may be very good at hiding them for a while. In adoption world, this is called the honeymoon period. The calm before the storm. Please be careful. Your children need protection until you know much more.
 

kim75062

Active Member
I agree with going slow. I also agree that your husband will probably need some support after he meets his oldest daughter for the first time. Is there any way that you could leave the younger children at home and just you and hubby go for a long weekend trip to meet her? Then hubby could go to meet her while you stay in the hotel room or whatever, and were there when he got back from meeting her? I think having the kids there might be too much. I think it might be overwhelming for everyone.

Has his daughter told you that the family treated her differently after having their biological daughter? I missed that if you posted it. Don't judge by photos alone. If you were to judge by photos alone, you would think my family didn't take me on any trips or do anything with me when I was a teen. Reality is that I went on more trips than my brother and did FAR more with my parents than he did. I was the well behaved child and got WAY more privileges. They also had more money when I was in junior high and high school. There are fewer photos of me because I didn't want to be in the photos. I was the one taking the photos - it was my passion. IF all you saw were the photos of our family and our life, you would think that I was excluded from everything because I was not in the photos. It especially drove my mother nuts as she spent hundreds of dollars on photography but had very few photographs of her only daughter.

You have excellent instincts for the most part. Follow them, but go even slower than you think you should. If there is any way at all to leave your kids at home for a weekend trip to have the first meeting, that might be the way to do this. You are exceptionally wise to realize that this young woman will need her support system near for this meeting and so will your husband. They are lucky (and blessed) to have you in their lives.


Yes daughter did say that her parents are very good people and love her but that they did start treating her very differently after their own biochild was born. They were infertile so that was their miracle baby.

But at the same time daughter would of been in her mid teens entering into high school etc. she may of been jealous of baby and loss of her parents attention. And teenage girls are not usually known to be the most loving easy to get along with creatures lol
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
It is common for adopted kids to feel they are less loved than bio. kids. It is also usually untrue. A baby, bio. or adopted, is more fun and gets more attention than a teenager.

All situations are different. I am closer to my three adopted kids than my bio. son on many levels. I would take a bullet for any of them. Do not judge her parents by her words...they are probably her perception only.
 

kim75062

Active Member
It is common for adopted kids to feel they are less loved than bio. kids. It is also usually untrue. A baby, bio. or adopted, is more fun and gets more attention than a teenager.

All situations are different. I am closer to my three adopted kids than my bio. son on many levels. I would take a bullet for any of them. Do not judge her parents by her words...they are probably her perception only.

Oh I'm smart enough to know that just from experience with my own kids. My youngest arrived when first 2 were 12 and 9. How dare the baby need feed when someone need help with math etc lol they got over it and love him to pieces now.

I really wish there was some kind of instructions for situations like theses. I'm mean really there's nothing for birth fathers or birth families out there. Everything seems to be centered around the birth mothers. Maybe I should write one lol
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I think part of it is that all situations are different. Even birth mothers have different experiences. They can write individual experiences they had, but not one method to make it work.
 

kim75062

Active Member
Oh and Susie I did consider leaving our kids here and going for like a weekend. My mom brain quickly shut that idea down lol I haven't been more then an hour away from any of my kids since they were born. I guess it would be about time, and it does make the most sense.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
I think part of it is that all situations are different. Even birth mothers have different experiences. They can write individual experiences they had, but not one method to make it work.
Experience and general guidelines would be good. Unique I agree. But anything with human element is.
 

kim75062

Active Member
Experience and general guidelines would be good. Unique I agree. But anything with human element is.


I think what makes this even more different is he's not really meeting her for the first time. He has very few memories of her and a couple of pictures from when she was a baby but he at least has had that all these years.

Daughter on the other hand has no memory of any of her biological family so for her it's like they've never meet.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Mostly perused.
I too would simply be supported of your husband.
Very generally speaking, I would keep things simplistic with this child. Our adopted daughter goes through periodic times when she wishes to meet her birthparents. But, generally I think she knows it isn't always a great situation. For some reason, it is less likely to go well with fathers...although I'm very unsure as to why.
Bottom line...very generally speaking, I think a casual, friendly and perhaps very limited relationship is ok if desired by all parties. But this person has been adopted years ago and that is her family now.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
It is, but isnt that simple. Often deep relationships form between birth relatives that meet later in life. It depends on how they click. Many deal with two families, like my friend did. Her daughter, who grew up knowing both families, named her own daughter after her birth grandmother, whom she dearly loved, and her middle name was adopted great grandmother. This turned into a seriously close family. The adoptive parents were much older than bio parents and the kids attached to the bio family. Not that they were not attached to adopted family, but they were older and died first too.

It was not a quick love affair though and it had many bumps. Many tears.

My friends birth father passed before she met his family. She was the only child he ever created, but the family had no interest in her and her main interest was in birth mother. It usually is. None of my adopted kids ever expressed an iterested in birth father.

My kids have not searched, but have our blessing to do so.
 
Last edited:

kim75062

Active Member
Little update: daughter meet biomom on Saturday, moved in with her on Tuesday! I think it's a bad idea but my opinion really doesn't matter in this situation. Hubby agrees with me but she is an adult and will make her own choices, good or bad.

On the positive side daughter and hubby seem to be building a good relationship at this point still, so fingers crossed it's going to work out with no problems :)
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
There IS a red flag here.

Moving in with birthmother right away shows a lack of good deision making. On both parts. The woman is a stranger. See how that works out. Turmoil is a warning to your husband.

I hope all goes well.
 

kim75062

Active Member
I agree and so does he! He was completely dumbfounded when she told him that. In her eyes her parents are treating her badly because they had their own biological child etc.

I understand her feelings but I know that its probably not true though shes convinced herself otherwise and her bio-mom will only make that worse.

I think the truth lies more around the lines of shes 22, didn't finish high school, isn't doing anything to get a GED or go to college and has no job etc. Her parents have the financial ability to help her with everything she needs to get herself into school, she just needs to want to do it! If she was my own child she'd hate me too because I wouldn't put up with it either lol It sounds like she was getting tough love and didn't like it so shes reaching out to whoever else is going to allow her to continue to not be a responsible adult. I'm glad things are going good with her and my hubby and her sisters (from hubby and myself) but she's def barking up the wrong tree if she thinks he will encourage her to not be a productive adult.
 

kim75062

Active Member
So far so good with hubby and daughter. They've slowed down some on the communication but still text at least every other day which is pretty inline with how he communicates with our daughters and they live in the same house lol

It's apparent his daughter didn't fall far from the depression/bipolar/anxiety family tree though. And for that I'm really sad for her. So far she seems immature for 22 and still acts like more of a teenager. I'm guessing because she hasn't been made to be an adult yet. She's also untreated for any mental disorders as her parents growing up told her that there's nothing wrong with her and to get over it. If she needed someone to talk to "give it to god". Mom being a social worker I would of expected more help and understanding but maybe not.

Her bio parents have massive amounts of mental issues on both sides of the family and biodad does go through bouts of mild depression (on Prozac for 10 years now) but nothing horrible. His siblings all have some degree of depression/anxiety and his brother is diagnosis biopolar.

Biomom on the other hand is a mess still and untreated. Also a side note to help understand the biomoms side of the family's dysfunction biomom is the product of Consentual adult insest (biomoms parents are first cousins, Their mothers were sisters).

Also living with biomom is going horribly and I'm not sure how that's going to turn out.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
So sorry to hear this young lady was not given more support for her MH issues. I hope she is able to seek help and support and that the living situation does not become too volatile for her.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Having done foster care, I do know disturbed young adults tend to blame their parents for their troubles and often it is exaggerated. If you spoke to her parents my guess is you would hear a very different story. I am glad she is corresponding well with your husband, but you all dont really know her yet. Please be careful and dont take sn immature, a bit unstable young persons account of her parents to necessarily be accurate.

Most of us here are lied about to others by our difficult kids. Thats what difficult kids do...blame us with tales...for sympathy from strangers, and you are all still strangers to her.

You will find out what she is really like in time. She may be hub's DNA, but she has never been his daughter. He never saw her life.

Do guard your hearts. To me, something smells fishy and there is more to her story than you know. She has alreadymade a rash decision to quickly move in with bio. Mom and now its not working and maybe you are next. She seems overly impulsive and, yes, too young in action for her years. So do remember you dont know her and her parents may have tried very hard to get her help. How many of our kids here have rewritten the truth about their upbringings?

Good luck pf course!
 
Last edited:

kim75062

Active Member
Having done foster care, I do know disturbed young adults tend to blame their parents for their troubles and often it is exaggerated. If you spoke to her parents my guess is you would hear a very different story. I am glad she is corresponding well with your husband, but you all dont really know her yet. Please be careful and dont take sn immature, a bit unstable young persons account of her parents to necessarily be accurate.

Most of us here are lied about to others by our difficult kids. Thats what difficult kids do...blame us with tales...for sympathy from strangers, and you are all still strangers to her.

You will find out what she is really like in time. She may be hub's DNA, but she has never been his daughter. He never saw her life.

Do guard your hearts. To me, something smells fishy and there is more to her story than you know. She has alreadymade a rash decision to quickly move in with bio. Mom and now its not working and maybe you are next. She seems overly impulsive and, yes, too young in action for her years. So do remember you dont know her and her parents may have tried very hard to get her help. How many of our kids here have rewritten the truth about their upbringings?

Good luck pf course!

Actually hubby has contacted her mom to thank her for loving and raising her etc. when he couldn't. When hubby suggested she seems depressed lately and wondering if that was a normal for her or if the current situation was to blame. mom said "it's nothing new, she gets that way sometimes just to get attention, there's nothing wrong with her. We took her to our pastor years ago and he said it was normal adopted behaviors".

To me depression is not an act for attention. And if she's truly "playing" depressed for attention that's a whole different problem. Either way she's definitely got some issues she needs to work out.

As far as living with us I'd never be able to say no. I know it's not smart etc. but I'm hard wired to try to save the world one person at a time.....I can't help it. I don't think it's even crossed her mind. She's way to focused on her biomom and that side of that family. Honestly if she did it wouldn't last long anyway. Depressed or not We would NOT put up with a 22 year old women doing nothing with her life. Hubby and I are not the enabling type at all.
 
Top