husband has an ulcer and we're still hardly speaking

[TerryJ2]

He is really stressed out about his clinic because it is very, very busy--I typed a note about this last yr--a few chiros went out of biz and now he's one of only three in the area. He had been talking about opening a second clinic for yrs now, and has looked at property, but has not made a move.
He says he wants to go to a marriage therapist, but didn't make a move. So I printed out names and he didn't like them. I printed out more names and got personal recommendations, and he still hasn't made a move.
He says he's not going to put up with-the anger and chaos at home any more, but hasn't made a move.
He is upset because all this chaos is going on around him--Cousin P, difficult child, my driving to N VA for the visitation, my going to a different acupuncturist--and he's not in on it, and I'm thinking he's a control freak and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and has no coping skills.
He is thinking about not going to Calif with-us for Christmas.
THAT's mature ... your kids and wife go and you stay at home and lick your wounds?
Sorry, I'm not happy about the way he's handling this. I've been going to therapy for yrs, taking classes (incl NAMI) and have taken medications, and I exercise. I have signed up difficult child for every single camp, school, and special needs class and made all of his therapy and dr appts. I have taken him to all of his blood draws.
What the H*ll else does husband want?

He's taking Prilosec, has temporarily given up coffee and spices, and has no other plans.

Thanks for listening.

 

[DDD]

I'm married to a wonderful kind man who takes very little action and speaks rarely unless a full blown crisis is at hand and can not be ignored. Not exactly the same thing...as we're older BUT I am sending understanding hugs for you.
DDD

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry Terry, sending compassionate hugs. I hope action is taken soon and some forward motion begins............

 

[buddy]

Sorry Terry......that sounds lonely and frustrating. I think difficult child and husband should stay home and you go to California!

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

 

[AnnieO]

sweetie... I can relate... I didn't put up with it very long though, I couldn't... That was my ex...

 

[susiestar]

Sending you lots of hugs. It is hard when they won't take any action but they want things to be different. Men are strange that way.

Are you aware that MOST ulcers are caused by bacteria? Stress makes them worse, just as it does every other health issue, but just changing what you eat and taking prilosec won't do much of anything. He NEEDS to see his doctor and get antibiotics for h. pylori. Probiotics also help. Would it be possible for you to send his dr a note about his stress and health issues and get the dr to treat the ulcer, make sure his blood pressure is healthy and talk about an antidepressant? Even if your husband won't go for the antidepressants, treating ulcers with just prilosec is asking for serious trouble. Ulcers create scar tissue if they get bad enough, and they can truly create lifelong problems.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all.

Susiestar, yes, I already told him the other day that he needed to get on antibiotics and an antidepressant. THAT was the wrong thing to say! As a chiro, he hates medications and will only take them in an emergency.

I had a dr appointment the other day, and we have the same dr. He asked about husband, and I told him about the possible ulcer and what I had told him. I said, I think I talked him out of coming to see you! Oops! The dr said, well, it never fails that this happens when you're out of town for the holidays, and I hope he doesn't wait until he has to go to the emergency room.

Turns out that husband had called the dr and left a msg and they played phone tag, and the dr left a msg with-husband's ofc mgr for husband to go to the ER.

Of course, husband didn't have time to go. (Ironically, one of his favorite sayings is that if you keep doing the same thing, you're going to get the same results. Ya think?)

So he has not been tested for H. Pylori and I will talk to him tomorrow about going to a doctor-in-the box to get tested. You'd think, being a chiro, he'd at least want to know that much.

MEN!!!!!!!!!!!! ARrggghhh!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

by the way, by "control freak," I mean that he's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and a micro-manager. I'm sure that living with an artist wife and an Aspie/bipolar son is that last thing anyone would recommend for him. Oil and water and all that.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hmm. This is interesting: Stress does not cause or worsen a gastric ulcer. The top causes are genetics, H. pylori, and long-term use of NSAIDs.
husband's dad had ulcers, and husband has had them twice before.


*****

CausesNon-cancerous (benign) gastric ulcers are caused by an imbalance between stomach acid, an enzyme called pepsin, and the natural defenses of the stomach''s lining. This imbalance leads to inflammation, which can be made worse by aspirin and nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory medications (NSAIDs) such as ibuprofen.
Risk factors for benign gastric ulcers include:

• Use of aspirin and NSAIDs
• Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori) infection
• Chronic gastritis
• Smoking
• Increasing age
• Mechanical ventilation (being put on a breathing machine)
• Certain blood clotting problems

Stress does not cause or worsen gastric ulcers.

 

[DammitJanet]

No, stress isnt a cause or I would have had one years ago. I think mine was caused by all the NSAIDS I have taken over the years. He really needs to get the H Pylori looked into fast or he will end up having to have the tube down the throat. He may have caught it fast enough to just do the blood work or the balloon breathing test. If he has it, he will HAVE to take the H Pylori medication. No other treatment works. It is a *itch of a treatment. Think it is 2 antibiotics and a GERD medication to stop the acids in the stomach. It absolutely wipes you out while taking it. I was basically in bed and not able to do anything and I have known several other people who have told me the same thing.

 

[Lothlorien]

Sorry that he's acting like a child. Perhaps going to Calif without him will make your time more pleasurable and give him time to make a move. Hugs.

 

[witzend]

in my opinion, the first step to getting better is admitting that you have a problem. Your husband mentioned a "marriage therapist" because he thinks that your marriage has a problem. He won't go because he doesn't want to admit that he is any part of the problem in your marriage.

I'm not certain that you can get him in there unless you drag him into it by "admitting" that all the problems are your fault before you go. Of course the therapist would immediately point the fallacy of this out to both of you and suggest that you work on your real troubles, which in any marriage start with bad communication on both parts. He has gone out of his way to cut off communication altogether.

Honestly, if he stays home for Christmas, I would view that as his quitting our marriage and I'd start figuring out where his money is and get myself a lawyer. There is WAY more to this than he is letting on.

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree.

 

[susiestar]

I agree with witz. He has held you responsible for difficult child and all the other problems for a long time now.

The treatment for h pylori is rough. He needs to know to avoid ALL alcohol including mouthwash and medications with alcohol in it. Those medications will knock you flat and make you super sick if you drink with them.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Well, I was lucky. husband has always called himself a therapeutic nihilist. I went to therapy, started to get healthy, got on Lexapro. He was intrigued by my transformation, left his useless therapist, got on BiPolar (BP) medications and is now the man I've always wanted to be married to. Give him a chance to really want to be healthy. It's hard having to deal with such huge family problems while having to care for patients. I was angry at husband until the day he came home and told me that he finally understood why he was always so exhausted. He had just come from a business meeting where he learned that he had seen 1,000 patients during that year.

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow, ThreeShadows, BRAVO!

My husband is the same way, except that the more he sees, the more he somehow needs to see. I think it's a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). He's like a rat on a wheel, but he put himself on it.

He does not "drink." He is one of the very few people I would LOVE to see drink. He needs to lighten up. I've seen him tipsy once in my life, (we've been married 33 yrs) and he was charming and hysterical.

He drank a sip of wine at our wine tasting party and will have half a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve--maybe. He thinks I drink too much because I have white wine nearly every night. (And Metamucil and tea ... )

I think that Diet Coke and Starbuck's coffee all day long have done their job. Sigh.

He doesn't do anything halfway.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Ugh, I left out a zero. He had seen 10,000 patients.

 

[DammitJanet]

My gosh, I thought a thousand patients was a lot! That is an average of 38.5 patients a day! He had to work 10 hours a day with no lunch or 11 hours a day if he took an hour for lunch and see a patient every 15 minutes. No more no less. Gosh help him if he had to pee...lol. Throw the whole day off!

But ya know, I wouldnt be surprised it that is about what they are packing into some of these pain clinics these days but they normally have 2 not quite doctors. (my words are failing me right now)

 

[ThreeShadows]

On call every other night, every other week end through ice storms and blizzards. Glad that's over.