husband has gone crazy.
- Thread starter rejectedmom
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everywoman
Well-Known Member
Oh RM, I'm so sorry. I too lived with an addict---his was pain medicine, and any other drug he could get his hands on. I left him after a relapse. I could not sit around and watch him destroy himself anymore. He had blown through every bit of inheritance both of us had received. I walked away with $1000 and a the right to a fridge and a stove that is still in his possession. But!!!! The peace of mind and the stress that I have now are all worth it!!! You will get through this. Hugs.
rejectedmom
New Member
My biggest concern is that I have no retirement benifits of my own and no marketable skills. I would go back to school and get my teaching certification but the school districts are not hiring except for Special Education and honestly I do not want to do that anymore... I have been logging hours and hours searching for jobs but with my very poor typing skills (due to no feeling and minor partial paralysis in my left hand so improvement is not likely) well it really isn't panning out. Add my age in there and yikes! AARP says that finding work at over 50 is the hardest of all age catagories I am 12 years past 50.
Spent yesterday researching lawyers and think I found one. I will be seeing him next week. In the meantime I'm going t ask at my ladies club if anyone knows of a good one. Not going to say it is me because I do not want the pity. Especially in place to which I go to have fun and escape my troubles. I will just say it is a friend who is new to the area. The lawyer that I'm considering said that I have three choices I can ask for a seperation, I can tie up a divorce up in the courts for about two years if I contest it (expensive but would get me to SS age) or I can agree to a divorce and try to make him pay for my health insurance and cost of living. He also said that an equitable division of property is not necessarily 50-50 it depends on alot of factors. He said that the most he has ever seen awarded in alimony is 40% of the spouses salary and that happens only in extreme circumstances. Behavior does not factor into a no fault divorce. The cost of litigation in an at-falut divorce is very high and if husband clamis mental health issues I could loose. I do not know if I am concidered extreme case for the alimony but should know more after my initial consult. UG!
husband is flopping around and now says he isn't sure he wants the divorce maybe just an open marriage or a seperation. I worry he is going to impregnate some bimbo looking for a sugar daddy. husband is highly educated has a great job is handsome and fit (just a bit on the short side). He is whitty and can charm the skin off a snake too. So yeah he can get a woman with little problem and he knows it. I gave him until this weekend as a deadline to let me know his plans. -RM
Spent yesterday researching lawyers and think I found one. I will be seeing him next week. In the meantime I'm going t ask at my ladies club if anyone knows of a good one. Not going to say it is me because I do not want the pity. Especially in place to which I go to have fun and escape my troubles. I will just say it is a friend who is new to the area. The lawyer that I'm considering said that I have three choices I can ask for a seperation, I can tie up a divorce up in the courts for about two years if I contest it (expensive but would get me to SS age) or I can agree to a divorce and try to make him pay for my health insurance and cost of living. He also said that an equitable division of property is not necessarily 50-50 it depends on alot of factors. He said that the most he has ever seen awarded in alimony is 40% of the spouses salary and that happens only in extreme circumstances. Behavior does not factor into a no fault divorce. The cost of litigation in an at-falut divorce is very high and if husband clamis mental health issues I could loose. I do not know if I am concidered extreme case for the alimony but should know more after my initial consult. UG!
husband is flopping around and now says he isn't sure he wants the divorce maybe just an open marriage or a seperation. I worry he is going to impregnate some bimbo looking for a sugar daddy. husband is highly educated has a great job is handsome and fit (just a bit on the short side). He is whitty and can charm the skin off a snake too. So yeah he can get a woman with little problem and he knows it. I gave him until this weekend as a deadline to let me know his plans. -RM
Ugh! So basically - he wants to find a way to have his cake and eat it, too...
So sorry this is happening! (((Hugs)))
DDD
Well-Known Member
I hesitate to pitch in too many opinions but I have to say that HE should not be able to determine what you future is going to be...really, I mean that very sincerely. You have to take charge of your life and not be vulnerable to more poor mistakes that he may make jeopardizing your future.
I would be making a series of anonymous phone calls to attorneys offices and even the Courthouse asking for suggestions. "May I have a quick moment of your time? I am senior with health issues and after forty years my husband has decided he wants a divorce. Based on your experience could you provide me with the names of perhaps three good divorce attorneys in our community?" Alot of law firms do not do divorce so they likely would say that and then add "John Smith and David Brown do alot of divorce cases." Drink tea, make notes on who you are calling and what responses you get. I would guess that you'd end up with duplicate recommendations that might steer you in the right direction.
You might even go to the library and read about divorce procedures in your community. I bet they have books that include valuable info. The Clerk of the Court might say "Susie Q manages our divorce court and maybe she could help direct you." Make LOTS of calls. Don't agree to anything your husband suggests. This is YOUR future. Hugs DDD
I would be making a series of anonymous phone calls to attorneys offices and even the Courthouse asking for suggestions. "May I have a quick moment of your time? I am senior with health issues and after forty years my husband has decided he wants a divorce. Based on your experience could you provide me with the names of perhaps three good divorce attorneys in our community?" Alot of law firms do not do divorce so they likely would say that and then add "John Smith and David Brown do alot of divorce cases." Drink tea, make notes on who you are calling and what responses you get. I would guess that you'd end up with duplicate recommendations that might steer you in the right direction.
You might even go to the library and read about divorce procedures in your community. I bet they have books that include valuable info. The Clerk of the Court might say "Susie Q manages our divorce court and maybe she could help direct you." Make LOTS of calls. Don't agree to anything your husband suggests. This is YOUR future. Hugs DDD
rejectedmom
New Member
The state divorce laws are on the internet at the government site. I have read them. I would call upon my cousin's husband who is an attorney in another state to review them and let me know what he thinks I can expect, but his wife is fighting terminal cancer. Not a good time to ask for favors.
I have also done internet searches for reviews of local lawyers and whether or not they have had any diciplinary action taken against them. I have managed to eliminate two that way. There is another office I won't use becase when I consulted them for legal help for my son, they were hostile to him. Then later the lawyer indirectly called difficult child a "little sh**"... during a conversation with me no less. So they are out. Although, if they go to feeling that way about my husband, maybe it could work. LOL.
I got copies of all the recent retirement accounts' statements. They were in husband's dresser drawer. Yeah I know... why???. Actually I had asked him to get everything together for me a while ago because I was going to meet with our financial planner. I am guessing that is what he will say is the reason he had them there if asked. It might be true, but not trutsing him on that. Not going to say anything anyway. I don't want to tip my hand. I now have a folder of all accounts and the SS statement also for when I meet with the lawyer. I still need to find the life insurance policies and copy them too. He is due home soon so that will have to wait till he is not around.
You know what is weird? My friends husband went through this type of behavior a year ago when his father died. He startd acting out being disrespectful of her, drinking heavily and womanizing. He is a year older than my husband. I wonder how prevalent this reaction to parents death is. My husband started after his mother died and then was ok for a few years till his father died. Not that it matters just wondering...-RM
I have also done internet searches for reviews of local lawyers and whether or not they have had any diciplinary action taken against them. I have managed to eliminate two that way. There is another office I won't use becase when I consulted them for legal help for my son, they were hostile to him. Then later the lawyer indirectly called difficult child a "little sh**"... during a conversation with me no less. So they are out. Although, if they go to feeling that way about my husband, maybe it could work. LOL.
I got copies of all the recent retirement accounts' statements. They were in husband's dresser drawer. Yeah I know... why???. Actually I had asked him to get everything together for me a while ago because I was going to meet with our financial planner. I am guessing that is what he will say is the reason he had them there if asked. It might be true, but not trutsing him on that. Not going to say anything anyway. I don't want to tip my hand. I now have a folder of all accounts and the SS statement also for when I meet with the lawyer. I still need to find the life insurance policies and copy them too. He is due home soon so that will have to wait till he is not around.
You know what is weird? My friends husband went through this type of behavior a year ago when his father died. He startd acting out being disrespectful of her, drinking heavily and womanizing. He is a year older than my husband. I wonder how prevalent this reaction to parents death is. My husband started after his mother died and then was ok for a few years till his father died. Not that it matters just wondering...-RM
Calamity Jane
Well-Known Member
The title of your post says it all.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
RejectedMom, I "liked" your post because of the Q you will ask at the ladies club.
But then I saw the part about waiting for husband to make a decision. I'm confused. I thought "you" had already made a decision, regardless of his thinking. Could you explain? Did you mean that his final answer will determine what sort of lawyer you will hire, or that you hadn't really made up your mind?
But then I saw the part about waiting for husband to make a decision. I'm confused. I thought "you" had already made a decision, regardless of his thinking. Could you explain? Did you mean that his final answer will determine what sort of lawyer you will hire, or that you hadn't really made up your mind?
rejectedmom
New Member
I asked at the club meeting and I got the name of two attorneys one I am familiar with as his practice has done some work for us in the past. It is possible that husband has already consulted him since he tends to go for the easiest thing. If he has I can't use the guy. The other lawyer mentioned is a women I do not know of.
Terry, I mean that I want to see what type of divorce husband is thinking about whether he intends to move out soon or what. I want to know what to tell the lawyer. I mean he could be thinking a fault divorce with imagined or exaggerated grievences. I also found out from a woman who worked for the recommended attorney at one time that the judge could order mariage counseling before signing any decree. I sure hope not. been there done that if you know what I mean. I know it happens because the judge did that to a friend's daughter (my old state) when she was trying to get out of a really bad marriage with a very emotionally abusive man. It prolonged the process by a year and by that time the woman wanted out so bad she gave up too much to do it.
I am going to need therapy after this (heck I need it now)...yet another reason not to budge on the health insurance issue. -RM
Terry, I mean that I want to see what type of divorce husband is thinking about whether he intends to move out soon or what. I want to know what to tell the lawyer. I mean he could be thinking a fault divorce with imagined or exaggerated grievences. I also found out from a woman who worked for the recommended attorney at one time that the judge could order mariage counseling before signing any decree. I sure hope not. been there done that if you know what I mean. I know it happens because the judge did that to a friend's daughter (my old state) when she was trying to get out of a really bad marriage with a very emotionally abusive man. It prolonged the process by a year and by that time the woman wanted out so bad she gave up too much to do it.
I am going to need therapy after this (heck I need it now)...yet another reason not to budge on the health insurance issue. -RM
DDD
Well-Known Member
Glad you got some names. I'd still make phone calls to explore other options. husband and I used the same attorney for our divorce OMG!! because we wanted to avoid ill will because of the small children. Not a good idea. Divorce is an advesarial action. What your husband "wants" can be shared with your attorney by his attorney. Stay out of the details until it gets down to brass tacks. What HE wants does not matter now. What YOU want and NEED are the two top priorities. Besides, I guarantee you, it will minimize your stress and improve your health to have a professional listening instead of you. Really! DDD
RM, as I recall the first one to retain an attorney becomes the Petitioner, the other is the Respondent. I may be incorrect, but I think the Petitioner being the initiator is really the more powerful position. You need an attorney to freeze all assets immediately before he can maneuver those assets out of your legal reach. As DDD mentioned, divorce is adversarial, even in the best of circumstances, so now that he has begun the process, please move quickly. ((HUGS))
Contact that lawyer you already know - fast. If husband hasn't been in contact already, then this becomes YOUR lawyer, and a lawyer can't serve both sides unless both sides agree... so if YOU have the lawyer, you can refuse to have that lawyer also represent husband. The lawyer has to reveal all potential known conflicts of interest... and this definitely would be a conflict of interest.
scent of cedar
New Member
RM, is it possible for you to start socking money away in an account in one of your children's names, and begin accumulating money that way? And while I'm not sure about this...it seems that husband would be reluctant to split assets, making both of you less financially stable, unless he has something of his own squirreled away somewhere. Maybe you should do some research on that?
And here is another thought. Why would you allow him to break the marriage up for his convenience, when to do so creates hardship for you? Are the laws in your state such that you can remain legally married without having to have him living in the house with you? Then, make him leave, NOW. If not, then go and rent yourself an apartment now, while you have his credit rating and money behind you. Let HIM worry about how much it's all going to cost. As the divorce is finalized, that will be good reason for alimony.
He has made his choice, RM. Now, you need to learn your rights and take steps to protect your financial future. He does not get to call all the shots.
I don't know where I would start looking for information, but that is what you need, right now.
After what we have all been through with our kids, a husband's betrayal we can deal with. Not pleasant, but you can do this, RM.
You need to fight for yourself now as though you were fighting for the financial security of one of your children.
How horrible of him to blame his betrayal on you! Don't listen to another word he says, RM. Picture yourself ten years from now, having successfully navigated getting free of this jerk. You will look back, and wish you'd ditched him sooner. He doesn't sound like a very nice man.
Barbara
And here is another thought. Why would you allow him to break the marriage up for his convenience, when to do so creates hardship for you? Are the laws in your state such that you can remain legally married without having to have him living in the house with you? Then, make him leave, NOW. If not, then go and rent yourself an apartment now, while you have his credit rating and money behind you. Let HIM worry about how much it's all going to cost. As the divorce is finalized, that will be good reason for alimony.
He has made his choice, RM. Now, you need to learn your rights and take steps to protect your financial future. He does not get to call all the shots.
I don't know where I would start looking for information, but that is what you need, right now.
After what we have all been through with our kids, a husband's betrayal we can deal with. Not pleasant, but you can do this, RM.
You need to fight for yourself now as though you were fighting for the financial security of one of your children.
How horrible of him to blame his betrayal on you! Don't listen to another word he says, RM. Picture yourself ten years from now, having successfully navigated getting free of this jerk. You will look back, and wish you'd ditched him sooner. He doesn't sound like a very nice man.
Barbara
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
(((Hugs))) You deserve better than this.
rejectedmom
New Member
Believe me ladies he will not be calling the shots. I can be a formidable opponent when I have to be and he is well aware of that having seem me in action with all the difficult child stuff and the foster kids etc.
Barbara there is the possibility of long term legal seperation in this state. In that scenario, he would continue to support me while separated but there are downsides if it does go to divorce in the future. I met a lady at my club meeting that had been seperated for 7 years but is now wanting a divorce. She said that she will get less of her spouse's retirement and assets because they will be adjusted down for the time seperated but she is much younger and healthier than me.
Currently, husband has a room in a rooming houes near work because when he lost his last job he couldn't find work close by. It is too far to commute from home so he works 4-10 hour shifts splitting his time between home and the boarding house. In summer I can go to our other residenc and he can come here to oversee easy child/difficult child so we actually don't need to find another residence for either of us if we seperate.
I already have my own savings accounts and CD's POD to my daughter. They have enough in them to live off of for several months if I live frugally. You can bet your bottom dollar I am going to continue to add to them.
I have found all our financial records. husband has not blocked me from his employer acounts. There is nothing amis there no loans or withdrawals from the retirement plans and 401K and I went back over it for three years.
You might recall from my past posts that we lost much of our retirement when the CEO of husband's last workplace bailed out and took all moneies with him. The company survived (barely) but all upper level persons were laid off with no access to unemployment since the CEO had made them all consultants prior to his maneuver. Everyone lost almost all retirement monies. The CEO was savy he had a lawyer walk him through the entire thing and though underhanded and evil it was all legal. husband was with them for almost 20 years. So alot of what we should have in retirement savings was lost 10 years ago. We have been working hard to sock away much more than the average for the last 7 years to make up for our losses. But we will never catch up and are hevily dependant on SS for retirement. Our SS benefits are about 2600/month if husband works to 68. We will have our health benefits. We won't be able to maintain our current lifestyle even if we stay together. But apart... well we will both be living on peanuts. We always knew we would have to sell one of our homes to retire but with the housing market so deflated neither is worth much anymore. We will loose money selling our primary and barely break even on our beach house. With studios apts going for 800-1200 around here it is actually cheaper to continue to own our curent home and pay the taxes and utilities than to get a rental.
Honestly this is a real emotional & financial quagmire. husband has calmed down and accepted that he has relapsed. He has found a group and is going to attend an ANon meeting tomorrow. He also is going to find a berevement group. At present he is still on the fence about indivitual therapy preferring mariage therapy instead. I am not willing to go to marriage therapy at this time. He now says he wants to stay married and is no longer asking for an open one either...Honestly, I think he did the math rather than had any kind of gestault.
Do not worry ladies, he can't snow me and I have excellent radar. Couple that with the experience and the knowledge I have aquired about never trusting an addict and I honestly do believe I have a good handle on this. I will still see the lawyers next week, discuss options, and put my first choice on retainer to insure he/she is available. I am also going to start selling off some collections I have and squirrel away the money. I have been meaning to do that for years now. This is good incentive. RM
Barbara there is the possibility of long term legal seperation in this state. In that scenario, he would continue to support me while separated but there are downsides if it does go to divorce in the future. I met a lady at my club meeting that had been seperated for 7 years but is now wanting a divorce. She said that she will get less of her spouse's retirement and assets because they will be adjusted down for the time seperated but she is much younger and healthier than me.
Currently, husband has a room in a rooming houes near work because when he lost his last job he couldn't find work close by. It is too far to commute from home so he works 4-10 hour shifts splitting his time between home and the boarding house. In summer I can go to our other residenc and he can come here to oversee easy child/difficult child so we actually don't need to find another residence for either of us if we seperate.
I already have my own savings accounts and CD's POD to my daughter. They have enough in them to live off of for several months if I live frugally. You can bet your bottom dollar I am going to continue to add to them.
I have found all our financial records. husband has not blocked me from his employer acounts. There is nothing amis there no loans or withdrawals from the retirement plans and 401K and I went back over it for three years.
You might recall from my past posts that we lost much of our retirement when the CEO of husband's last workplace bailed out and took all moneies with him. The company survived (barely) but all upper level persons were laid off with no access to unemployment since the CEO had made them all consultants prior to his maneuver. Everyone lost almost all retirement monies. The CEO was savy he had a lawyer walk him through the entire thing and though underhanded and evil it was all legal. husband was with them for almost 20 years. So alot of what we should have in retirement savings was lost 10 years ago. We have been working hard to sock away much more than the average for the last 7 years to make up for our losses. But we will never catch up and are hevily dependant on SS for retirement. Our SS benefits are about 2600/month if husband works to 68. We will have our health benefits. We won't be able to maintain our current lifestyle even if we stay together. But apart... well we will both be living on peanuts. We always knew we would have to sell one of our homes to retire but with the housing market so deflated neither is worth much anymore. We will loose money selling our primary and barely break even on our beach house. With studios apts going for 800-1200 around here it is actually cheaper to continue to own our curent home and pay the taxes and utilities than to get a rental.
Honestly this is a real emotional & financial quagmire. husband has calmed down and accepted that he has relapsed. He has found a group and is going to attend an ANon meeting tomorrow. He also is going to find a berevement group. At present he is still on the fence about indivitual therapy preferring mariage therapy instead. I am not willing to go to marriage therapy at this time. He now says he wants to stay married and is no longer asking for an open one either...Honestly, I think he did the math rather than had any kind of gestault.
Do not worry ladies, he can't snow me and I have excellent radar. Couple that with the experience and the knowledge I have aquired about never trusting an addict and I honestly do believe I have a good handle on this. I will still see the lawyers next week, discuss options, and put my first choice on retainer to insure he/she is available. I am also going to start selling off some collections I have and squirrel away the money. I have been meaning to do that for years now. This is good incentive. RM
busywend
Well-Known Member
I trust you! You wil do what is best for you. It is good to hear others experiences though so you are well informed. And this group is the best, right? Good luck. My wish is that husband gets himself in check. 42 years is an amazing amount of time....you are partners in life for sure! Even if there was no romantic love....would a huge loss and adjustment. Keeping fingers crossed for him to wake up!
rejectedmom
New Member
I told husband that one of MY conditions is that he get a vasectomy. I told him I didn't want any bimbo-mama drama, or paternity issues, or Child support payments intruding on my golden years. He says OK, but the truth will be in the doing. If he doesn't get it done I will know he doesn't take this seriously enough for me to stay in the marriage. I also told him I would not nurse him through a deadly STD that he will die without me at his side. He knows I am serious and won't budge on either of these conditions. I'll keep you all posted. -RM
scent of cedar
New Member
Back when we were younger, husband and I were going through a time. In the middle of one fight, he asked me who I thought I was. I told him to look at his checkbook and credit cards and understand that, whoever he thought I was? Who I actually was, legally, was the other half of his financial reality.
Now and for the foreseeable future.
That seemed to calm my husband down, too!
:O)
Barbara
Now and for the foreseeable future.
That seemed to calm my husband down, too!
:O)
Barbara
