husband is a JERK!! I would use another word but Im a lady.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gwenny, Mar 8, 2009.

  1. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    husband went and gave difficult child all his b-day presents after he told him we gave them back to the store. I guess he should get a reward for being such a good kid. difficult child has destroyed this family to the point that there is no going back now. I think its just a matter of time before I leave.

    I can't beleive he did this. easy child came and say's to me so difficult child gets presents for all the **** he pulls? I don't even have the answers that I should, how can you justify this to a kid who knows the deal.

    I guess this will teach easy child to act up in order to get what you want. The worse you behave is the more you get.


    husband say's that what else is he going to do?? I said several nasty things and told him where to stick difficult child. I'm not proud of this but I'm done. My blood pressure is probably through the roof. My face is red even after makeup.

    I told him we are going to act like we dont have a marriage anymore. He can sleep with difficult child and move out of our bedroom. I will only cook and clean for easy child and me until I can find a place to live. As for your difficult child you and your ex can handle it. Let her make the appointments and have meetings over this phone as she lives 3000 miles away.

    I will keep easy child dog and myself in my bedroom. Let him sleep with difficult child in his bedroom.. Im going to meet with a realtor in 2 hours, keep your fingers crossed that I can find something affordable and available now. My parents are going to give me the deposit and some cash for the truck rental. I will only take my personal things and thats it. He can have the house and the difficult child.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Wow, sweetie, I am so sorry this is happening.

    You gotta do what you gotta do. I've read many of your posts, but I don't know completely what you are going through. I imagine this has been a long time coming.

    Gentle hugs, you are a very strong person.
  3. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    I was afraid this was coming. I'm sorry husband isn't being a MAN. I'm sorry that difficult child is a difficult child.

    You and easy child deserve some peace and a life without chaos. I hope you find it soon. I'm glad your parents are able to assist with relocation. Be safe.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry it has come to this. I hope you can find something ASAP. If nothing else you DO have the right to $$ from your accounts - do NOT sign this away. In fact, go get CASH out as soon as you can get to the bank. Otherwise you may find yourself getting shorted in the divorce settlement.

    I just cannot believe your husband copped out on all of this. I thought maybe he would hang tough, realizing his son is dangerous and needs help.

    Save your son and yourself. do NOT let difficult child hurt you or your son. I would tell your son flat out that you do NOT agree with what husband did (even if he hears the arguments, he deserves to be told up front) AND that you will be moving out as soon as possible.

    Do NOT let husband know your new address. He will let difficult child know and who knows what the kid will do then. You will soon be out of his way and when things are still bad he may continue to blame you rather than take any responsibility.

    Think about a PO Box, or having mail sent to your parents and then have them send it to you. Just be PROTECTIVE, it is impossible to predict what a kid as disturbed as your difficult child will do.

    I hope you are soon in a peaceful new place starting to recover and rebuild your life.

    I AM sorry it came down to this.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am sorry.
    Susie has a good idea ... do not let them know your address.
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Along with the no giving out your address (to ANYONE), make sure you use your garage everytime you are home. You don't want someone driving by noticing that your vehicle is on this same street every night.

    Let easy child's school, your doctors, hairdresser, everyone know that they are NOT to give out your address to anyone. They are not to let anyone know of upcoming appts. This is one reason doctors/dentists have to ask for your permission to leave messages on an answer machine. Make sure that you update that they are not to leave a message or give info to anyone who answers the phone because even if you give them a new number, someone in the office may be careless and call the first one they see. You don't want difficult child knowing where you are and when.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I'm sending prayers your way. ((((hugs))))
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Donna. Hope you're able to find a place quickly. I agree with the others...don't sign away any money (are you in a community property state?) and get your mail at one of those mailbox places. Insist that easy child's school notes on the emergency card that your contact info is not to be shared no matter what, and watch them write it on there.

    Sending many hugs and many prayers.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Iwas reading your other thread too, about all the problems with school etc. And husband screaming at YOU because of difficult child? That's bizarre! And husband deciding he can be home schooledagain? And then husband saying he won't take him to work with him? I mean, he's husband's kid, husband clearly is making unilateral decisions about him, then expects YOU to deal with the fallout (and to billy-oh with easy child's needs) and then seems to blame you when life isn't perfect?

    husband & difficult child sound very well suited to one another.

    easy child needs to know that life shouldn't be like this, that when you make a choice you have to live with the consequences and deal with it yourself, not dump it onto someone else.

    easy child needs to see you stand up for yourself and for your safety, yours and easy child's.

    So either talk to husband, make it clear that there need to be ground rules which you will both have to stick to - or you can't stay. Let him know why and how, so he has some input into his choices. But with difficult child so unstable, things need to be sorted out and stabilised, I feel, before you can go on from here.

  10. Stella

    Stella New Member

    I'm sorry it had to come to this Donna but you also have to think of yourself and your own son and this all seems to be really effecting him badly. That last thing you want is another difficult child on your hands!! Sometimes I wish leaving could actually be an option for me!!! lol.
  11. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry. (((HUGS)))

    Hang in there, there are better days to come!
  12. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Gwenny, you're totally in your rights to walk---lord knows, you're the only one that's in the situation, we don't know anything like all the details! :) For your son's sake, it sounds like the best decision you could make right now.

    But to the rest of the community: as far as what she's posted, her husband sounds like a typical parent on here, people! He's yelling "at her" that his son is ruining their family. Pretty typical frustrated parent stuff, no? My mom and I have had several arguments 'bout the Sis. He doesn't want to take his unstable, possibly violent son to his place of employment? Um, which of us WOULD do that? He caved and gave his son the BIRTHDAY PRESENTS they'd bought for him. The right decision? NO. But an understandable one from someone dealing with a brand-spankin-new difficult child situation? Totally.

    I'm not trying to sound harsh, I really honestly just don't understand. Gwenny's the only to make this call, obviously. But I can't see where the high levels of anger at her husband are coming from, from some posters on here. He and she are absolutely new to this. I haven't heard one thing in this whole story that hasn't happened in my house. Yelling in frustration at the wrong person? Check. Caving to difficult child demands? Check. Not being able to handle this brand-new, overwhelming situation and trying to temporarily unload onto your partner/spouse/whatever? Check!

    I'm not saying any of you are wrong---he's not coming across as wonder-dad-of-the-year. I'm just saying that if the tables were turned, and gwenny's husband was the one posting here, I doubt any of you would be saying the same things. I dunno. To be fair, he sounds like most of US on any given day. I'm sure gwenny's got a billion more reasons than we know--but from what we've been given, I can't see why you guys feel this way. Curious a little as to where you're coming from?
  13. AnnMarieTN

    AnnMarieTN New Member

    I am so sorry. I hope you are able to find another place easily. (((hugs)))
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sending a caring hug your way. It is such an awful experience to see a child slowly but surely change the future of so many others. Yes, I know, the child is not responsible for adult decisions but dysfunctional parenting bonds can ruin marital bonds faster than any blonde bombshell.

    Your anger is well justified but I'll toss in some free advice. (Yeah, I know what it's Try your very best not to share your negative feelings
    in front of either kid. They have no reason to be your friend...nor do they
    have any reason to feel like your enemy. It's difficult when emotions are running so darn high. The temptation to "bond" with easy child will be there. Try to stay focused on separating adult issues and kid issues. From many years on this difficult child rollercoaster, I can tell you that easy child will be more scarred that you would ever imagine because easy child's try too hard to be good...when things go bad.
    Hugs. DDD
  15. WSM

    WSM New Member

    I'm so sorry.

    Can you spend the week in a hotel just to get away from home while difficult child is there?

    Give husband a taste of how this is going to be for him to deal with alone if he doesn't stop throwing you under the bus.

    I have to say I would have given the Birthday presents, but they wouldn't have been great presents: some clothes, a book or two, a jigsaw puzzle. Everyone deserves certain basics just to touch base that you are loved and a member of the family: birthday, Xmas (if you celebrate), that sort of thing.

    husband's family is in crisis--he needs to take time away from work and deal with it NOW. He needs to cut back on his hours NOW. He cannot just go to work and bury his head in the sand and expect someone else to deal with HIS problem.

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I can see myself being there in a couple years.
  16. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi Gwenny--

    I read your post yesterday...and I didn't respond right away because I wasn't sure the right response, but I find that I am quite in agreement with Eeky. I would have given difficult child his birthday presents, too. For me, it would have felt like the most awful thing in the world NOT to give my child a present on his birthday--no matter HOW he'd been behaving.

    That being said....I don't know the whole situation that you have been living and I know that your posts here are just a very small sampling of what you have been going through. I am SO sorry that things have gotten so bad.

    I also wonder, though...if it is really over for your marriage? There is such anger in your post--and often anger means there is still a lot of love in your heart for the person with whom you are so angry.

    Definitely get away...get some separation...take some time--but don't close the door all the way. Maybe there is still hope that with counseling, your family can get back on the right track again?

    Sending you (((((hugs)))) and support.

  17. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Eeky -

    I think the anger toward the husband here is his disrespect toward his wife, and that he is not communicating with her. They are supposed to be a TEAM. If together they decided to tell difficult child birthday gifts were returned, and then husband gave them to difficult child behind Gwenny's back, what does that tell difficult child? Gwenny is a B****. Gwenny made me lie to you, I'm sorry difficult child, it's Gwenny's fault.

    If husband works outside the home and difficult child is homeschooled, who do you think is in charge of that? Gwenny!

    Gwenny tried to re-enroll difficult child in school, but this coming week is spring break. If husband leaves for work this week, just who will be the on-site target for difficult child's venom and vitriol? He's already proven himself to be violent and threatening. Does husband sound like he's concerned for the safety and security of ALL in their home? - or just not making difficult child mad?

    husband has allowed difficult child's triangulation tactics to work. It is classic "divide and conquer" at work here.

    Further, if it were any number of other moms who would have posted the following: "My husband and I decided to tell difficult child we took his birthday presents back, but then after I brought him home from a temporary placement that we thought would keep him longer, without discussing it with my husband, I gave difficult child the birthday presents so he wouldn't be mad at ME...." I think many of us would have disagreed with that mom's decision to undermine the other parent in the household, and further triangulate the situation.

    In this blended family situation, with a violent and threatening difficult child, Gwenny needs to look out for the needs of her son more than she needs to look out for the needs of her husband and step son.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry it came to this, but, right or wrong, kids usually win when there's a "him or me" situation. I understand that difficult child is very dangerous and I agree he shouldn't be there, but I'm not surprised. I agree with the few people who said there is nothing that would make me take birthday presents away from a child--no matter how he acts, he does it because he is very ill. He needs help--and things probably will not improve. I think you are doing what is right for yourself and your own child because the difficult child is unlikely to be able to change and husband loves his child deeply, no matter what he does. (((Hugs))) and keep us updated.
  19. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Ok so I went to my friends house last night and slept there as I just felt like I was done. I looked at a few places and of course they were either to expensive or just plain nasty. So today I went and saw 2 places and 1 is not available until 4/15, and this was perfect. Oh well the search begins again tomorrow.

    So I came home this morning in time for the meeting with all these people. 2 therapists, 1 care advocate, 1 counselor (for me) The boss of all the people and 1 guy who is respite services for difficult child. So I gave the meeting a shot and try (out of the love I still have for husband) seeing as this was scheduled already.

    I gave them the discharge papers from the hospital which stated that the DR STRONGLY RECOMMENDS Residential Treatment Center (RTC). The boss stated that the hospital could have placed difficult child in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) straight from the hospital..(just great).. So she says we have to do the intense therapy where there is a therapist (intensive) who comes in 3 days a week and the respite guy 3 days a week and 1 counselor for me 2 times a week. I said I don't want to be disrespectful but is this gonna guarantee me sons, and my life??? The room went quiet. (guess no one could answer that one)..

    They said difficult child don't have a criminal record!!! Yeah because we have not pressed charges as Juvie is not for the mentally ill and we were trying to keep him away from this as its only going to make the problems worse..
    The boss lady said that she was going to call the insurance company with the discharge papers and hope for the best.

    So this care advocate stated I want to go over the 12 principals with you!!
    I said great I wanted to go over that with you as well....I SLAMMED THEM ALL!!!! I pulled out my copy of the principles and a lawsuit against the state of AZ stateing that they are to provide these 12 things and I said we are not getting them. (they were in shock and couldnt believe that I had that info) They said to me good for you now you know what you have to do. I told them I already contacted WASHINGTON Difficult Child already and got a call back and they will look into it.(i didnt tell them that part lol).
    So for now I have at least 1 person coming in the home everyday MON- SAT.

    Ok now for husband he is a jerk, but he is a jerk that I do love. We have been together for 12 years and married for 3 1/2 years. We had a great marriage up until the day that difficult child got off the plane. (that was the start to a wonderful life). I do not expect my husband to choose between me and difficult child because if the roles were reversed we all know the kids win because they need us. It just fustrated me that he gave him the b-day gifts because it was just dumb art supplies which he has already!! so did he really feel that he got rewarded for the **** he just caused and is still causing??? I just think that the timing was off is all, and after I said no he did it anyway so why bother asking me if your already going to do it anyway. I agree this makes me look like the monster in the family and husband gets dipped in poop and once again comes out smelling like roses.

    husband knows what difficult child is doing and I just feel he is allowing him to do it. So like I told the people today that my marriage is pretty much over as this is too much and I cannot live like this. I gave copies of everything to everyone. They were all in agreement that he does not belong here and belongs in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

    So now I am going ahead with leaving ASAP. I feel this is the best choice for my son and me and I am taking the dog too. My husband and I used to be able to talk but lately anything I say is taken out of context and spun around to make me out to a monster. When I left last night I turned off husband's cell and left him a message that say's " I have given you 12 great years stuck by you through thick and thin good times and bad money and no money if you see me as a monster or servant than you have the wrong woman. I hope this seperation will help you think and see clearly. We have both said and done things were no proud of but enough hurting for both. If this is the best we can do than I want to walk out now before I HATE you.

    Sorry for the long rant!! I appreciate all the advise and sometimes when your angry you are not seeing clearly.

    I cannot Thank you enough your support is so greatly appreciated.
  20. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    I forgot the best part.. difficult child was not here for the meeting as the guy took him on a long walk. When they came back they were all introducing themselves to difficult child. They asked me not to take away the respite guy as a punishment and I said ok and explained that if difficult child was doing things he would still have consequenses for his actions but they could hang out and talk in the kitchen or the yard.

    His counselor said to me after that he was all smiles when meeting everyone and when I said about consequeses difficult child looked at me with quote "a cold stare" which she didnt like.

    I just didnt want to leave that out.