husband is literally driving me insane

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Feb 26, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    sorry yup me again and venting. husband really is literally driving me nuts. I'm at a point where i have to be honest if i had a job i'd probably say listen i love you, yet we require alot of work and i think it's best you leave while we go to therapy.

    thank good ness he's only here 2x a week on his days off and we cope tremendously well.

    he isnt' sleeping as of late, pretty much since i returned from portland. i have been lately standing my ground on sleep and taking it. i used to fold stay up all hours of the night when he walked in at 11:30 and midnight. than pay the price the next day.

    yet lately i've been going to bed, i'm also sick so i need the rest. he isn't liking it. first night i tried 4 nights ago he had a mini meltdown after we watched a movie and i said i gotta sleep. he wanted to let's say spend more time and i said i gotta sleep. so on he went on a mini tantrum. you always do this, it's not fair my night was good up till now on and on he went than went and sat in the bathroom like a two year old for two hours.

    ofcourse i havent' been able to sleep past 3 nights due to anxiety he's causing and also because he's in and out of bathroom (which is in our room) smoking out window, than into kitchen to eat, than back to bathroom. it's insane.

    luckily kids sleep thru it. we have a small 3 bedroom ranch so you hear everyone else when their walking thru hallway.

    i told him you can't keep doing all this stuff. i'm lacking sleep, just go stay in den. his answer i'll go where i want. oh sheesh. than i say you can't keep throwing fits each time you dont' get that from me. his answer nothing but rubbish.

    so i'd have to say we are at the biggest standstill we've ever been at. he's stubborn as am i. yet not willing to admit he's got issues there that are worth investigating and working thru. he remains strong willed in stating i have no issues. it's all your fault lol.

    i said why are you going to therapy with-me? to convince therapist it's all your fault lol.

    i said listen we can't go on this way. your giving me more than my share of anxiety and grief i'm lacking sleep due to you now. it's dysfunctional. i'm working hard with-kids all day long than my second day begins at midnight with-you. way too much.

    literally nothing i say gets thru to him or makes a difference. this insecurity he has is so severe he isnt' willing to go down the path to even talk about it. yet it's been 4 years of torment over this issue. i can't hack it anymore.

    we'll c what monday brings. i just know sleep for me is crucial and this man doesn't sleep. wants what he wants and i just cant' do it anymore

    thanks for letting me get that out. he's really throwing me over the edge im contemplating popping a xanax.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    While I understand husband wanting to spend time with you when he's also selfish of him to expect you to do without sleep to do it. Odds are some of your issues are in fact due to sleep deprivation. It causes a person to be less patient, edgy, ect. Trust me, 99 percent of the time I'm sleep deprived.

    Marriage and relationships are about compromise. You can't always be the only one compromising. (a fact I'm trying to drum into Nichole's head)

    easy child and sister in law now work opposing shifts. They didn't ask for it, life delt it to them that way. sister in law for the first time ever is working a normal 8 hr 5 day wk 2nd shift with weekends off. easy child is working day shift 3 days per wk 12 hr days in ICU now......extremely stressful, not to mention exhausting. To top it off she still works as needed at her old hospital, which means even more 12 hr days, those in cardiac care. ugh So they haven't been seeing each other much. She tried a few days to stay up until he got home.......but when you get up at 4am, staying up until midnight is next to impossible, especially after working all day and coming home to care for 3 little ones.

    The compromise? The day before a day off, easy child naps after the boys go to bed, gets up in time for sister in law to get home, sits up with him a while, then they both go to bed. Of course days off are pretty much spent together for the most part. Works for them so far.

    That may mean they don't literally see each other for days. But sometimes life leaves you no choice and you have to do the best with what you've got.

  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    good advice and i agree 100%. he's always been like this. it's one of our biggest problems. the level of rejection he feels is in all honesty catastrophic. can't spell. lol. i do feel bad told him go get help ill help in anyway i can. yet i get him yelling at me on phone (majority of our conversations because he always works) that he doesnt' have any issues it's me with all the problems lol. oh ok :)

    so yea it's been like this for 4 years now. luckily i do not work. boy when i worked it was hugely hard. he'd get upset jealous that i'd have to sleep for work next day. for 42 he's more like 22. and yes this is who i chose to marry.

    yet he stated dont' worry we'll work out a schedule i'll calm down it'll be ok. ummm i try to implement the schedule and he has a cow. so who needs that after all day difficult child world? to than deal with-an adult difficult child at 1 a.m. throwing mini hissy fit?? Not me!!

    my therapist and i talked about it. i thought hey maybe i'm just off kilter here well i'm not. thing is he's a caring and good man in alot of other areas yet this stone he refuses to overturn and look under is enough to end a marriage. one can't live this way indefinitley it's not healthy for me, to always be under the gun each time he walks in.

    than if he doesnt' get what he wants gfgness comes out wakling thru house going thru cabinets in and out of bathroom. like a two year old seriously.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wait gets better as of late he's facebooking about us. i'm like what??? i asked him nicely please dont' facebook about our junk. it's no one's business. he says well you go to your "board" . i said that's kinda different. on facebook its' faces pics identities etc. why are you even doing that?? so hence i wake up get a fb text and its' him making a comment, than 3 woman following with oh no your not wrong :). i said to him why are you doing that even? attention seeking? i just dont' get it.

    since we got married all his issues that he doesnt' admit he has are coming to the surface with such force. its' astounding. one day i went into restaraunt i often do not go there. i come to hear from a waitress there how he'd been discussing our sex life there and basically taking a poll from the wait staff. i was so embarrassed and mortified. again, why would you do that i ask him?

    his answer to prove i'm right and your wrong. again i nicely ask can you please not share our personal info especially that with young girls in your store? it's highly in appropriate your their boss even. than he wonders why he has girls hitting on him via text that work for him. wt.... is that the aim? i just dont know anymore lol.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member we are getting to the real issues Jen! Dr Phil had Steve Hardy on his show yesterday and you should have watched it. I bet you can still pull up the link off the website. Anyway, Steve Hardy has a book out that you should read. I bet it will give you great hints and advice. The show was great.

    Ok, I agree 100% that husband shouldnt be talking to his waitresses about your sex life. Now if it was his male buddies, ehhh, maybe they do that, I dont know. I know women tend to sometimes talk amongst themselves if they are really close. I know Tony got really peeved at me when I talked about our sex life with my He has requested I not do it with my new one. I dont know if I will follow that or not or if I will simply not tell him what I tell the therapist. I mean, I dont think I will have a need to tell this new male therapist about our sex life but who

    I would get irritated if I was made to get up in the middle of the night for any reason. Tony and I are on such completely different sleep cycles. We have a hard time fitting time in for each other because he gets up for work every morning at 4 am so he goes to bed by 9 at night. Every night. He is already in bed now and its Saturday! I, on the other hand, have awful insomnia and half the time am still up at 4. We try to set dates but then with all the folks running around my house that can get problematic too, especially if we have Keyana on the weekends.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    how is kenya? my easy child isn't working right lately so its getting like half the posts. i thought i saw something that she was sick? i searched for the post yet couldnt' find it. am i losing it? is she ok?
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i see your point by the way. and i hope kenya's ok i could just be losing it thinking i saw that. things here are not good bet. us we shall see if he goes to therapy tmrw. and if he does what it'll be like.

    ea. night he gets home we get into an argument. i asked him nicely last night pls i gotta sleep. his answer do you have to control everything? than appararntley he's been doing more the woo is me at work routine so friends of him were texting him to go out and saying oh it's ok you didn't miss much the bar wasn't good last night. i said you should of gone if you wanted to it's better than keeping me awake.

    his response i hate you. now that can't be normal in a marriage. i'm off to bring difficult child and my step daughter to that mini spa today for their nails and hair for her birthday that we saved up for.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope that the therapist is able to get him to see that he is part of the problem. Demanding that you stay awake the hours he is home when you also have to handle very difficult kids during the day is simply ridiculous. He seems to have a very strong need for his own way. You are pretty bullheaded that way too, but you seem to be more willing to compromise.

    As for him getting up and wandering all night - you are not going to be able to get him to stop that because it is his way of demanding your attention. This is not a battle to approach head on.

    My mother has an absolutely awesome phrase that is perfect for problems like this. It is not rude, sarcastic or insincere in any way. It is another way of approaching the problem.

    Physical solutions for physical problems.

    You are being awakened by the sounds of him walking around, opening and closing doors, playing the tv, etc.....

    Basically the sounds of him being up are waking you up. Today you are to go to Walmart or the drug store. March yourself to the pharmacy area in the aisle with the contact lens solution. Buy yourself some earplugs. I like Flent brand - cheap, effective and comfortable. I have used them quite often when husband was keeping me up at night by making noise.

    Turning on lights could also be a problem. While you are at the store find a cheap eyemask - not the kind you keep in the fridge, just a simply cloth mask to cover your eyes. If they don't have one that is affordable, go to the fabric section and get some black or dark blue fleece for blankets. I like dark colors but if you use 2 layers of the polar fleece type fabric you can use lighter colors. You will need 1/8 yard or less. Also get some elastic to sew on. Needle and thread if you don't have those at home. Don't worry - no major construction needed.

    Cut the fabric into a piece wide enough to cover your eyes and part of your forehead - about 3 inches wide and long enough to go at least from temple to temple. Can be longer if you want. Sew the end of the elastic onto the fabric on the side. It needs to be firmly attached but it should only take 6 or 8 stitches. Then hold the mask over your eyes and stretch the elastic so that it meets the other end of the fabric (elastic goes behind your head). This is to figure out how long the elastic needs to be. Cut the elastic to about an inch longer than needed and sew it onto the other side of the mask. If you cannot sew this, use safety pins to hold the elastic to the mask.

    Then when you go to bed put the mask on and the earplugs in. Then let husband go make all the noise he wants. If he gets the kids up then let him handle them.

    I am NOT saying that these will solve the marital problems. They won't. You two have a TON to work out if you are going to stay together. but this WILL solve the problem of him being awake late at night and you desperately needing sleep. You and he have to reach some kind of schedule so that he can feel like part of the family and still be able to work the hours that he needs to work. He won't have to tiptoe around or wake you up. He will be able to get something out of a cabinet or open a door without the light or sound waking you up.

    I really hope that you can figure out a way to reach a compromise. Being married is really hard work, even if you have no baggage from your past. when you add in kids, esp when one is a teen, and exes and pets etc... It gets even more complicated. When one of those kids is a difficult child - WHOA!! it is then a herculean taks to stay married.

    I really hope that you both find a way to be truly happy.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL...I have to laugh today. All last night, or at least the middle of the night after I finally made it to bed, Tony woke up and started in on me, messing with me, bothering me. I told him that another member was just posting about this same issue on the board and if he didnt stop I was going to send him up to NY so both men could take care of each other and leave us alone!
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    susie great ideas!!

    Janet ok that is totally funny
  11. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    My ex's learned fast that it was far safer to them to let me sleep. Just snuggling up to me is likely to get you an elbow or knee while I'm still sleeping - wake me and I'll aim even better.
    'Course, they are ex's, so maybe my reactions were a *little* extreme. Maybe.
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I see many similarities between your husband and Useless Boy, Miss KT's father. That passive-aggressive stuff drives me nuts. And him saying he'll do what he wants? Sounds like a first grader telling a classmate, "You're not the boss of me!"
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member


    haozi listen sleep is what makes us less witchy...... :) i havent had any in 6 nights. last night was up till 5:30 after the i hate you remark. i slept in den for an hr back was killing me both dogs sleeping ontop of me lol. so than i went back into the blessed bedroom while big boy snored away. than he woke up and said what's wrong?? LOL. wow!!!!!
  14. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Next time he asks just tell him "After I get X hours of uninterrupted sleep, fine." Be willing to follow through - even a quickie just to make him happy. The whole positive reinforcement thing. Maybe he'll get it and do his utmost to ensure you get that sleep then.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    So........don't you know how to drag the mattress to the living room - BEFORE snorezemore goes to bed? You let old sawlogs sleep on a boxsrping a couple of nights and SOMEONE will be doing SOMETHING about that buzzsaw of a nose......GAY_RON_TEE.....(as they say in Louisianna)
  16. Jena

    Jena New Member

    god forgive me last night i invisioned me placing the pillow over his face!! LOL yes i know not healthy!!! where oh where is that bottle of wine i asked for! hey maybe the gay ex he loves to talk to will give him a quickie!! oh no wait she left him because she didnt' want him anymore! hmm can men turn woman gay? after almost 5 years with-him im beginning to deeply ponder this thought ;)

    yup i know i need sleep :)

    haozi like behavior mod for husband? oh sheesh yuck. maybe i could make chart, buy stickers??? LOL
  17. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    He doesn't seem like sticker type, but I could be wrong. And it's only really unhealthy if you follow through. Until the Thought Police show up.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Listen, I have used rewards before quite well. I have often said marriage is like legal prostitution. (Ok mods, dont kill me!) We make them pay for it somehow in either money or behaviors and then when they are done paying for it, they get the reward!
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I'm listening............