husband is so angry

[exhausted]

My husband is at his wits end. He stated today that he was prepared to live the rest of his life with no relationship with difficult child. He said I love her but I hate her. Today she was here with her friend (also pot smoker-they have been friends since 2nd. grade) and he grumbled around here making comments and throwing fireballs. He grubled at me-They are eating our food, why are they here? It went on and on. I get his frustration-but it is usually me here at night because he works dealing with her-so I am way over the constant negative grumbling because it hurts me more than her. Frankly, I like her here. At least I know she isn't smokin pot here.

She still comes and goes-sometimes asking, sometimes just going. We do know who she is with now and she is coming home. Since she quit her job the pot smoking has escalated. She did not go to after care this week and the week before it was a bad storm. Very little work to get a job and no follow through on her scholarship paper work. She did finially do all her chores today-she usually picks and chooses. This friend of hers also quit his job around the same time she did.

Found out she has an old cell phone that she can get to FB on when she gets wifi-(our home has it).How is it possible to work without an active account? I asked to see it and she refused, said it was hers and not my business. She has unfriended me months ago and set everything to private. I think she has an unidentifiable account as well. She use to do that years ago on myspace-use a name with numbers and symbols. The thing is we told her she couldn't use FB because she meets inappropriate people, and says innapropriate things (tells them she is 21 etc.). We are sure that she ran off to some places with people she met on FB.

I stopped buying any food she asks for or things she likes way back in Sep. She has gotten no money from us, no new clothes except a few at Christmas. This is a roof over her head and a meal. We have gone on a few day trips as a family and out to eat for birthdays. We have done everything we know to do. If we retrict her, she makes sure she ignores it. If we give her extra house work as a consequence, she makes sure she doesn't do it. If we negotiate and come up with a plan-she breaks her end of the deal as soon as possible.

Now my husband is mad-it has taken away any joy at home. I know he has to go through it-he's always a few month behind me in where he is dealing with difficult child. I wish he could come to FA meetings with me. I don't know what to do next. Just tired and hopeless today!

 

[DDD]

Sending understand hugs your way. My husband has basically been non-participatory and is a quiet mostly passive type of man. on the other hand every few years he erupts (nonviolentely) and is often way off target based on current status. It's like he silently observes, forms an opinion and then expresses dynamically even though it's based on past behaviors and not current status. It's difficult. Hugs DDD

 

[AmericanGirl]

Exhausted, I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. It sounds like you have a system which is workable for you (for the most part) but husband isn't agreeable. What exactly does he want?

As for the wifi, you can restrict access to it so her cell won't work with it unless she has the password.

I know that even tho I stopped internet access on difficult child's cell via the provider, that it will work via an app or on wifi.

So, if you stop access on your wifi, she will likely just use another way.

Sending hugs your directions....

 

[Signorina]

{{{hugs}}}

I know how frustrated you are...

Please try to get out of the house with your husband for a bit...it works wonders for me and my own husband. Of course, our difficult child has flown the coop - but when he was home - he was the source of tension in our marriage. Even if we weren't sniping at each other over difficult child - we were sniping at each other over seemingly inconsequential things. That's how I know that my son will not be welcome to live here again. My heart breaks, I stay wide away with worry, I get nauseous at times yet overeat too (go figure) to deal with the anxiety and worry over my difficult child who has cut off all contact with us. Yet, as terrible as those feelings are, they were just as bad - plus the addition of pure unadulterated tension - while he was here. Sure, a bit of respite when he was safely asleep in his own bed - but not enough to make it better the next day.

I totally understand that you "like" that she is home... I don't mean to suggest you should feel otherwise. But you need to let your h know that you don't like the effect it has on all of you - but it's the better alternative. The "few months behind you" is likely his safety net. It's safe for him to be disgruntled with difficult child if you are not. been there done that. The idea of both of you being disgruntled to the nth degree at the same time is likely a little worrisome to him even if he doesn't know it. If you're both disgruntled - it won't be good for your difficult child - Know what I mean?? Maybe he just needs some TLC.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

If husband won't go to FA with you, can you get him to go to a therapist with you? This is a super stressful time in a marriage, and seeing a therapist is a good way to work things out and get on the same page.

As for the fb, go and password protect your wireless router and she can't get on on your wifi. She still can on someone else's, but she could use their computer too.

 

[Kathy813]

I understand how your husband feels. There were times that I thought that I hated my difficult child, too. She has caused tension in our marriage and has played us against each other. We have such peace in out house when she is not living here and it is the reason that she won't ever live with us again.

Of course, my difficult child is a lot older than yours. It is easier for us to tell our difficult child that she can't live with us. Have you and your husband decided what you are going to do when she turns 18? I think that the time is coming where you are going to have to make some hard decisions.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

I agree with Sig and Kathy. I have been angry like your husband and even when difficult child wasn't doing anything that awful I was angry. difficult child had caused so much chaos in the family and sucked the life our of home that there was little to be happy about. The toll our difficult children take on our marriages is huge. husband and I only ever fought about difficult child. We were high school sweethearts who have been together since age 15 and yet difficult child had us at each other's throats at times.

I do think you need to get away with husband if only for an evening. Find things to laugh about, even if it's a private joke about difficult child. Don't let difficult child come between the two of you because some day she will be gone and you and husband will have to have a relationship without her.

I understand your frustration, I hated those days more than anything. It's not easy at all.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[exhausted]

Thank you all for your support. Suzie, husband works nights so he can't go to FA-which he knows would help him. He has always gone to the counselors with me. We have taken a break. It was hard to schedule with me days and he nights. We did this schedule change to keep difficult child under supervision about 2.5 years ago. She was coming out of first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so we wanted to be of support. She ended up in state Residential Treatment Center (RTC) a few months later. Not sure it helps much now. I think we need to relook at it for both our sake. We have only Sunday together.(He has a second job-does mowing and maintainance for 3 local businesses on Saturday-HE IS HOME BY 2:00 most days other than the summer. He gets up in AM with me to have coffee and chat (he has always been good this way). He calls all through the night (makes me crazy-makes him feel like he is helping).

We do need to go out alone. We go every other month with 2 other couples-but seldom alone. Signora-I need to give him TLC-I just have not been good at it lately. Its all I can do to work, keep this house together, and deal with difficult child. If I was the mother of a few younger kids, I would be over the edge! There is a reason God gave me only 2 kids!

It about 4:08am here-not sleeping well either. Think I need to take a P-day with husband!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I understand how your husband feels. There were times that I thought that I hated my difficult child, too. She has caused tension in our marriage and has played us against each other. We have such peace in out house when she is not living here and it is the reason that she won't ever live with us again.

Of course, my difficult child is a lot older than yours. It is easier for us to tell our difficult child that she can't live with us. Have you and your husband decided what you are going to do when she turns 18? I think that the time is coming where you are going to have to make some hard decisions.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

I echo all of this. difficult child caused MAJOR tension around here. Just the other day I was thinking how nice it was to be away at a conference and not have to worry if I am going to get a phone call that all hades is breaking loose here at home. I don't miss it one bit and no, she will never live with us again either. I can say that with 100% certainty and it feels good.

I think you are trying to maintain some sort of control over her, but really, I don't think you have any hon...How many more days until she is 18?

 

[toughlovin]

No question about it dealing with our difficult children causes major tension in a marriage and on the rest of the family. I can understand your dhs anger.... I too was the one who got angry.... my husband often just stayed oblivious or ignored the drama.... although at times he did get really mad and at those points would finally jump to the page I was on.

So number one right now is to take care of your marriage. Get some time alone, go on a date, get away for a couple of days (if you can, hard to do with a difficult child at home I know). Your husband may partly be angry because your attention is focused on difficult child.

And yes when does your difficult child turn 18? At some point you are going to get to that point where having her at home just isn't working for any of you.

Hugs.

TL

 

[Signorina]

I have a little prayer/wish/thought I say to myself when I am feeling especially snarky - "please let us remember to turn TO each other and not ON each other..."

(I am the one with the knee jerk tendency to turn on H instead of two H)

When my difficult child first left back in August - H was so angry because he "just wanted his wife back." I was a preoccupied mess. Bawled my way through any dinner out, in the car home from get-togethers, at movies (comedies - go figure) and often would feel my heart start to jump out of my chest in the middle of a party and have to leave.

When he would say that - I would get so angry at him. How could I be myself when the boy I cherished had stormed out of my house and had not returned? How callous was he to think it was some switch I could flip and how dare he make this about what he wanted? I mean seriously! He wanted his wife back - he wasn't wishing that our boy would come home or that I would find strength...

my poor husband and his lack of eloquence - looking back - I get it. He wanted us to go on -keep moving forward and he resented our son. I think he was free to do that because I wanted our son back so desperately. Had I been so angry with difficult child - it's likely H would have been more openly heartbroken.

 

[1905]

Someone on here once asked what difficult child meant- gone for good? And until difficult child is really gone, you will see your lives improve dramatically. It is so, so,hard, I remember those years.....there were many of them, 18 I think, lol, life will get better, she will grow up and move away, not realizing how nice she could have had things. It's sad, but love your husband, you are both hurting, I'm sorry, sending you love and peace.

 

[exhausted]

Thank you all again. Your absolutely right I am trying to have some control because I want to believe I am her mom. It's just sick. I know I have no power intellectually and yet.... She's at it again today-took off to be with her friend, tried to manipulate a ride from husband to the mall to look for a job! LOL)-didn't happen. Plan -B come to my school to corner me in my class where I cannot deal with her. I get her out and she hasn't been heard from since-4 hours ago.

I have choir tonight-will go and put it out of mind.

6 months until 18 and we have told her she was out on her B-day if she was not proving she could live by the rules, in school or working full time. I'm worried-she is just not right and so immature. She hangs with danger and this scares me. I pray for strength everyday!

 

[Kathy813]

I always was afraid that my difficult child would come to my classroom and cause a scene. She actually did come to my classroom door when she was homeless and I didn't realize it was her and opened the door. When I realized who it was I hustled her out the door and told her that she had to leave or I would call security. She left but my students kept asking me who it was.

I was so angry that she did that to me. It was just another wonderful moment with difficult child.

I hope that your difficult child is taking you seriously about her options. Mine never believed us but that was our fault because we let her boomerang too many times. Make sure that you have a plan you can enforce and that you and your husband agree on it ahead of time.

~Kathy