husband just left to take difficult child to the hospital

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by threeturkeez, Sep 27, 2011.

  1. threeturkeez

    threeturkeez New Member

    He's 12yo and currently diagnosis as conduct disorder. He's shown some tendencies toward sexual inappropriateness before like laying on the other kids or asking them to lay on him. He once told our daughter to open her mouth and act like a baby and to swallow the rubber snake toy he had in his hand. The doctor talked with us and showed concern that it would become worse. And now it has.

    Today we found out that he's been sneaking into the bedroom of our other two children, ages 5 and 7, a boy and girl respectively. They said he'd done it over the weekend while I was out of town and it was just Daddy home with them and that it was in the middle of the night. We asked the kids why they didn't go tell Daddy and they said they were afraid Daddy would be mad for waking him up in the night (he can be a bear on Saturday mornings when it's his turn to sleep in and they are rowdy.) difficult child claimed to have trouble sleeping. I can't get any more details out of the 5yo as to what happened while he was there, whether he just went to sleep or what. But later on I was able to casually ask our 7yo daughter if he had ever touched her in a "bad place" that's not good for others to touch. She immediately said yes and showed me where - her groin and her chest, but she didn't say those words. She touched them and I said your chest or your tummy and she answered with "my boob." We paged the doctor and he finally got back to us right after husband left with difficult child. I don't know what's going to happen but I know I don't want him in my home. I was sexually abused by my half brother starting at the age of 9, that I can remember. I won't allow this to happen to my baby girl. It might seem that I'm really calm for the situation at hand. 1 - no, I'm not calm, I'm numb, I'm dumbfounded, I'm speechless...... and 2 - I took a Xanax because I was starting to have a panic attack.

    The doctor started on the phone about how tricare won't cover certain things, we may have to appeal for coverage of his care if he's put in an area strictly for sexual offenders, etc. Frankly, I'm willing to appeal to whomever needs to hear this so they'll pay for him to have treatment because he obviously needs it. The doctor told us to talk up the part about him playing with knives (yes, this happens every so often and he stabbed and cut a can of pears this morning - again, dumbfounded) and all the other unsafe behaviors he does like crawling out on the roof, crossing a busy street on his husband's 10-speed, etc. and the fact that we are very concerned about the safety of the other 2 children, which is of course very true.

    husband just got there with him so I guess he and I are both in for a long night and a rough road ahead. If anyone has experience with this, I wouldn't mind hearing how it went.

    Thanks for reading.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    The only part of this I have any experience with is having to hospitalize Kiddo for violent behavior. I expect you have a long road ahead of you and the little ones will be needing extra attention and help with this situation.
    *hugs and hot comforting tea* hon
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    Sorry, all I got for you is ((((((HUGS)))))) and thoughts of strength to get through this.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I have no advice, but wow, good parenting! You know of the situation and you are not burying your head in the sand. I feel for your son having such issues but your other kids deserve amazing parenting as well and you are giving it to them. I hope all goes well and will think of you.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have experience with a child in the house who sexually abused my two younger kids. We were informed that we HAD to keep the other ones safe from option...and that was fine with us because we never invited him back home again (he had been adopted at 11 and left us at 13 after we found out). You may have to make some tough decisions or they may decide that nothing really went on. My kids had to go for examinations and get intensive therapy...thanks to that, which was paid for by the state, they are now doing very well but they remember.

    Good luck to you. I hope it is not what you think.
  6. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I'm sorry for the situation you are in. No advice just sympathy. You are doing a great job protecting your other kids. I know the numbness that comes from one kid attacking another. Next I got anger. Now I'm back to numb. Even have a hard time smiling at the baby sometimes. Glad you have medications for yourself. You seem to be on top of things.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I understand the numbness. And it was a good response in that it allowed you to keep your emotions in check while doing what needed to be done. And I know that it was not so easy to do.

    Safety comes first, regardless.

    But it's probably going to be a rough road ahead. I hope this is a means to get difficult child the help he needs.

    I went through this more than 20 yrs ago with easy child, so I'm sure my info is much outdated.

    I'll keep you and the family in my prayers.

  8. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    I'm sorry this has happened to you and your family. You and your husband are good parents doing what needs to be done to help and protect your kids. I don't have any advice...just hugs and prayers.
  9. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Oh my. My heart goes out to you in a big way. I can not even imagine your pain, anger...can't even imagine what you are even feeling. I am so sorry.
  10. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    you are doing the right thing having him taken out of the home. good for you for knowing what to do to find out the truth. *hugs* hopefully the hospital will know what to do with him for now until he gets into whatever kind of treatment he needs and you won't have to worry about that as much.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Adding in my hugs and support.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending lots of hugs and support. You have done the right thing by taking him to the hospital.

    This is going to be very hard. You are going to HAVE to keep telling people that while difficult child is important, he is NOT the only important one in the home. Wiz was unsafe for a long time, largely because a lot of places told us that we were not eligible for help for him, or for us. Took a whole lot of pushiness and some very difficult conversations to get the help we all needed.

    LOTS of the people involved will get wrapped up in what difficult child "needs". Those needs could devour not just your life, but also the lives of your kids. The hardest thing we had to do while gettng help was to get the tdocs, psychiatrists, experts and others to realize that the other children were equally as important as Wiz. I had more htan one or two "experts" tell me to give my other two up for adoption. They were NOT joking. One even had paperwork for me to fill out to turn them over. I had a fit and raised so much stink that her boss was scared of me.

    in my opinion it is important to get help for difficult child, but it is MORE important to keep the other kids protected. I KNOW how hard it is to tell a child that he can't live iwth you, that you love him with all of your heart but he cannot live iwth you because the danger to the other kids in the family. Wiz was 14 when I insisted on pressing charges and not letting him return to our home to live. He ended up with my parents, and has turned things around and he was incredibly dangerous to us, esp to Jess and I. Wiz is now almost 20 and has a great relationship with Jess and thank you. But I am still learning of things that the kids didn't tell me. Like the fact that by the age of five or six my daughter started to believe that she would die at her brother's hands before she was 16. She just turned 16 and finally was able to verbalize that. It explains why she NEVER spoke of what she wanted to be when she grew up. She figured she had no reason to dream about that, so why open up to the pain of not being able to accomplish a dream?

    You MUST put safety as the TOP priority in the home. Put alarms on the younger kids doors. If they have to potty in the night, you will wake up, but you will also wake up if he goes in to hurt them. SOmehow get through that they MUST start screaming if he touches them in a bad way. Alarm HIS room so that if he leaves you will know. Set the alarm after he is in bed - from the outside. Check the batteries EVERY NIGHT because taking them out is a favorite trick taht they all seem to learn.

    Every time he is unsafe you need to follow a written safety plan. It has to be written because chances are child protection will be called in. You have to show them how you plan to keep the other two safe - alarms and a plan for who goes where and what happens when he is unsafe in any of various ways will keep your younger two in your custody. Sick as it sounds, child protection will say that they will take your OTHER children away if you "let" difficult child hurt them - but they won't take difficult child. This is because it is hard to place a difficult child and not as hard to place two pcs. So don't fall for that threat. Insist that they get involved and provide services for the entire family.

    I am so sorry you have to cope with all of this. Be sure that ALL of you see a therapist - not just difficult child, not just you, each one of you needs help handling this. For safety you may even have to move the younger kids into your bedroom until you can find a placement for difficult child and get the help he needs. It sure isn't fun, but what he is doing to them is so dangerous on so many levels and you have to keep them safe.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. Thankfully I have not been there done that but a number of CD families have experienced this situation. I hope you have good mental health services available for you all. DDD
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. You did great getting difficult child out of the house to keep the younger children safe. Hopefully difficult child will now get the help he so obviously needs. Your Dr. sounds like he is on top of things that is a real blessing is such hard situations. Your zero tolerance is as it should be. Sending you much support for the hard road ahead. -RM
  15. threeturkeez

    threeturkeez New Member

    Firstly, thank you to all of you that read my post and/or responded. I truly appreciate the hugs and well wishes and willingness to understand without judging me or difficult child in any way.

    Secondly, here's an UPDATE:

    The hospital wouldn't admit him. We spent HOURS trying to understand how "this is not an acute enough of a problem to admit him." Seriously? He ***** molested his sister. They actually had the nerve to start talking about penetration - I almost lost it!!!!! husband and I both said that to us, there is no distinction between inappropriate touching and any kind of penetration. They kept saying this is a criminal problem, not a psychiatric one. But then they would say that if there was more to it then maybe they could admit him. So sexually inappropriate touching is a criminal issue. But if he outright does the deed with his sister he's got a psychiatric problem?????!?!?!!??!?!!!!!! I'm shaking just thinking about that conversation.

    Anyway, we came home, it was past 2 am. I so did not want him in our house. I was still just so dumbfounded at the hospital people. They didn't even have a psychiatrist talk to him. Admin people did and then they talked to the doctor. At home, we sent him to bed and then put the little ones to sleep in the floor of our bedroom and locked both doors. We were all so exhausted that we slept until about 10 or so. The kids have a shorter school day on Wednesdays so we just kept them home, but we denied difficult child any access to the litte ones. They ate separately, they stayed in separate parts of the house, etc. husband stayed home to help me manage that while we worked on what to do with difficult child now. We tried CPS and they said it's not within the scope of their abilities, but suggested we call the hospital back and make sure they had all the info possible and ask why wasn't he admitted. That got me next to nowhere, other than the hospital saying that we could do a dr-to-dr conversation. I just had to get difficult child's psychiatrist to call them. Well, I have yet to speak to the psychiatrist. It's been less than 24 hours since that conversation with the hospital and I have left the man 4 messages. This is the same psychiatrist who told us to take him to the hospital. We've left detailed messages, he knew Tuesday night that the hospital wouldn't take him. We just don't know what to do now. The only options we can think of are to take him to the police or apply for residential care again. We applied once in fall of 2010 and it was denied by the insurance. Until we get some answers on what to do next, we are keeping the kids separated. husband is not going into work until difficult child has left the house and we get the little ones started on their school day routine. And he's coming home after difficult child gets home but before the little ones get off the bus. They will remain separated and the little ones will continue to sleep in our room with the doors locked. This is the plan for every single day until we find a way to get difficult child the help he needs...... outside of this house. We cannot take any chance of anything else happening. Ugh....I'm so frustrated......
  16. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    My insurance denied difficult child's hospitalization because it wasn't "pre-authorized" You really cannot predict these things. As far as appeal - we won on the third try. Keep documents, doctor's notes, police reports if any.
    Glad he is in a safe place. Keeping your family in my thoughts.
  17. threeturkeez

    threeturkeez New Member

    He's at home, so yeah, HE is safe, but our other children aren't. We need to get him out of this house and somewhere that he can get help. If taking him to the police station is our only option, then yes, I will do that. I'm just hoping to avoid that if at all possible.
  18. keista

    keista New Member

    Did you ask them if there had been any penetration if it would be in the scope of their abilities? Sorry, dark humor.

    But seriously, did you question CPS what would happen if something worse did happen to the little ones? Would they take him and/or get you help then? Should you allow something worse to happen, so they would get you the help you need? Are the little ones willing to talk about it? Take them to the school guidance counselor, and have them tell the counselor - mandatory reporting, and maybe THEN CPS will come give your family the help it needs.

    Anyway, I think you are doing an amazing job protecting your ENTIRE family.:bravo:
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Try calling the sexual abuse hotline? I'm just pulling straws here... or maybe DV?
    Somebody has to know who knows what and where to go to get help.
  20. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Maybe a lawyer? Sometimes a good lawyer can get stupid people to listen when nothing else can. Is a different hospital an option? I don't know how much in a city you are.

    Is there a county mental health for medicaid there? Even if they can't help maybe they know someone who can.

    I'd be livid too. Good plan on keeping him away from everyone else.