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husband Not on the Same Page-- vent
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 45224" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Ella, can you get him to read here? Clearly not THIS thread, but if he is prepared to read anything at all, including some good, positive ideas which can help?</p><p></p><p>My husband is a lovely guy, but also a strict disciplinarian. He HAS come around though, partly because he lurks on my posts to see what I'm saying (which helps him understand where I'm coming from, as well as see the impartial advice given in a lot of other areas) as well as he finally understands that difficult child 3's bouts of aggression are NOT a direct challenge to his authority.</p><p></p><p>It's a bloke thing. Blokes need to know they are masters in their own households. To have to accept that their approach is not the accepted one, is galling. Many of them can't handle it and refuse to accept any information which challenges their view of the cosmos. I'm fortunate that husband is a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) and is prepared to listen. It still took a while, though - life is stressful for him, the last thing he needed was to have to face the fact that his kids, especially his boys, are less than perfect. A man's sons are his heritage; he puts a lot of store in their success.</p><p></p><p>I read "The Explosive Child" but husband simply couldn't do it. It's not his kind of book; he has a busy life and didn't have the time; he was willing, but would fall asleep within half a page. </p><p>So I summarised it for him. In doing so, it consolidated the info in MY head, thoroughly. The best way to learn something, sometimes, is to teach it.</p><p></p><p>What does your husband do for a living? If you can plug into this, you might be able to make this work.</p><p>My husband is extremely logical, and it was logic that worked. For a banker, it can be financial costs that can work.</p><p></p><p>husband & I got thrown in the deep end because we were both present when the doctor said, "Your older son has Asperger's Syndrome, your middle daughter has some signs of it, your youngest has autism and they all have ADHD." Then as we walked around the corner to the car, my phone rang and it was MY doctor, ordering me into hospital. We were separated as we both had to deal with the diagnoses and the outcomes.</p><p></p><p>This meant we had to do a lot of talking, over the phone. We didn't resolve everything, we only dealt with the immediate essentials. We still had many, many problems and storms to weather over the next few years, but it was a start that you don't seem to have had, Ella.</p><p></p><p>You need to talk, but he can't cope with too much. So you need to cut it down to bare essentials. For a lot of men, they don't like to talk because they just want the facts, ma'am. While We want to discuss it, examine every nuance, brainstorm this and that, while the man of the house is looking at his watch and planning a golf game or a business meeting. They simply tune us out. It's a bloke thing.</p><p></p><p>So draw it up like a balance sheet. Do a PMI on the boys (PMI = Plus, Minus, Interesting). Maybe do it like a mind map. But list the problems and the evidence for the current diagnosis. List the GOOD things that are an advantage for Seb, such as his high intelligence, high capability and the way ADHD teaches Seb to narrow down his concentration to a tiny point, and to shut out distractions (that does take time, but it is a common self-taught coping strategy especially in bright ADHD kids). List Seb's interests and gifts.</p><p></p><p>Next list - what to do, to maximise outcome for Seb. Some therapeutic equipment actually looks like ordinary play equipment. List the PHYSICAL benefits of getting this stuff, for both boys. And when he begins to use it, keep a record of how he's going, especially of any positive progress.</p><p></p><p>Next list - what you feel you need to achieve, to give Seb the best opportunities to be the best he can be and to be happy and independent.</p><p></p><p>Then cut this down to bare bones, to one page. You need to keep the whole thing positive to keep husband on side. Remember, there can be advantages to having ADHD. (I do still wonder about Donald Trump - I'm sure his hair, at least, is hyperactive).</p><p></p><p>When your husband reports a good day at the sporting field, don't disagree. tell him that it's wonderful that they both had a good day. Sporting fields are a really good place for ADHD kids, so maybe continuing to take him to sport is a good outlet as well as good fitness training for Seb. The boys will do much better in one-to-one situations, so maybe include some academic coaching for Seb, to help him feel confident in his favourite subjects (or ones he's having more trouble with). I'm sure husband should have no problem with wanting to help Seb capitalise on his already above-average ability. If you 'sell' it that way, it should work.</p><p></p><p>I strongly recommend you read "The Explosive Child". Use the same techniques on your husband! It works! And it's good practice for using it on the boys. It will also open doors of communication for you, in much the same way that it stops the parent-child relationship being adversarial.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 45224, member: 1991"] Ella, can you get him to read here? Clearly not THIS thread, but if he is prepared to read anything at all, including some good, positive ideas which can help? My husband is a lovely guy, but also a strict disciplinarian. He HAS come around though, partly because he lurks on my posts to see what I'm saying (which helps him understand where I'm coming from, as well as see the impartial advice given in a lot of other areas) as well as he finally understands that difficult child 3's bouts of aggression are NOT a direct challenge to his authority. It's a bloke thing. Blokes need to know they are masters in their own households. To have to accept that their approach is not the accepted one, is galling. Many of them can't handle it and refuse to accept any information which challenges their view of the cosmos. I'm fortunate that husband is a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) and is prepared to listen. It still took a while, though - life is stressful for him, the last thing he needed was to have to face the fact that his kids, especially his boys, are less than perfect. A man's sons are his heritage; he puts a lot of store in their success. I read "The Explosive Child" but husband simply couldn't do it. It's not his kind of book; he has a busy life and didn't have the time; he was willing, but would fall asleep within half a page. So I summarised it for him. In doing so, it consolidated the info in MY head, thoroughly. The best way to learn something, sometimes, is to teach it. What does your husband do for a living? If you can plug into this, you might be able to make this work. My husband is extremely logical, and it was logic that worked. For a banker, it can be financial costs that can work. husband & I got thrown in the deep end because we were both present when the doctor said, "Your older son has Asperger's Syndrome, your middle daughter has some signs of it, your youngest has autism and they all have ADHD." Then as we walked around the corner to the car, my phone rang and it was MY doctor, ordering me into hospital. We were separated as we both had to deal with the diagnoses and the outcomes. This meant we had to do a lot of talking, over the phone. We didn't resolve everything, we only dealt with the immediate essentials. We still had many, many problems and storms to weather over the next few years, but it was a start that you don't seem to have had, Ella. You need to talk, but he can't cope with too much. So you need to cut it down to bare essentials. For a lot of men, they don't like to talk because they just want the facts, ma'am. While We want to discuss it, examine every nuance, brainstorm this and that, while the man of the house is looking at his watch and planning a golf game or a business meeting. They simply tune us out. It's a bloke thing. So draw it up like a balance sheet. Do a PMI on the boys (PMI = Plus, Minus, Interesting). Maybe do it like a mind map. But list the problems and the evidence for the current diagnosis. List the GOOD things that are an advantage for Seb, such as his high intelligence, high capability and the way ADHD teaches Seb to narrow down his concentration to a tiny point, and to shut out distractions (that does take time, but it is a common self-taught coping strategy especially in bright ADHD kids). List Seb's interests and gifts. Next list - what to do, to maximise outcome for Seb. Some therapeutic equipment actually looks like ordinary play equipment. List the PHYSICAL benefits of getting this stuff, for both boys. And when he begins to use it, keep a record of how he's going, especially of any positive progress. Next list - what you feel you need to achieve, to give Seb the best opportunities to be the best he can be and to be happy and independent. Then cut this down to bare bones, to one page. You need to keep the whole thing positive to keep husband on side. Remember, there can be advantages to having ADHD. (I do still wonder about Donald Trump - I'm sure his hair, at least, is hyperactive). When your husband reports a good day at the sporting field, don't disagree. tell him that it's wonderful that they both had a good day. Sporting fields are a really good place for ADHD kids, so maybe continuing to take him to sport is a good outlet as well as good fitness training for Seb. The boys will do much better in one-to-one situations, so maybe include some academic coaching for Seb, to help him feel confident in his favourite subjects (or ones he's having more trouble with). I'm sure husband should have no problem with wanting to help Seb capitalise on his already above-average ability. If you 'sell' it that way, it should work. I strongly recommend you read "The Explosive Child". Use the same techniques on your husband! It works! And it's good practice for using it on the boys. It will also open doors of communication for you, in much the same way that it stops the parent-child relationship being adversarial. Marg [/QUOTE]
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