husband really needs to stop fueling the fire !

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by shellyd67, Jul 11, 2010.

  1. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I have been telling husband he really needs to stop pushing difficult child when he is having a meltdown. I have repeatedly explained he is only making it worse. husband has actually given me the same advice in the past but I took his advice and he needs to do the same ! husband really flips when difficult child is disrespectful to him. I understand how husband feels because I too have felt angry when difficult child is raging. However, silence and calm is mandatory during these moments. It just makes our home chaotic and everyone angry and upset. I let husband know that once he flips on difficult child he might as well forget having a calm conversation with difficult child. difficult child holds a grudge and will just keep his attitude up and is miserable and mean. When the heck will husband learn how to handle these situations? I am telling him after difficult child settles down that enough is enough !
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    Is this his child or stepchild?

    I think family therapy would work wonders!! The child is not able to be reasoned with while raging. He needs to get it.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you may have two g'sfg on your hands? ;)
    I suspect your husband knows that difficult child cannot be reasoned with-while he's raging. It's just that husband is so inflamed himself, he can't help it. Therapy to learn detachment techniques would be very valuable.
    We all lose it now and then. It's when we consistently add fuel to the flame that there is a problem, in my humble opinion.
  4. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    husband is difficult child's bio dad and usually handles difficult child better than I do. We had a very long talk last night and I think I got through to him. We have enough to handle with difficult child's tantrums, we do not need anymore chaos. I will keep you posted. Thanks ladies !
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Get your hands on "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Or get husband to lurk here or join. Or get husband to read the sticky on Explosive Child which we have on Early Childhood forum.

    The issue is - these kids need a different way of handling, a different approach to discipline. "Because I said so" ha to go out the window. Stressing over "he disrespected me!" also has to go out the window. Because if you really think about how you talk to difficult child when you are cross with him, or how husband talks to him when he is cross with him - that would, if it was coming from another adult towards you or form a child towards you, seem to be very disrespectful. To the difficult child, this is the example set for them.

    Some people at this point will say, "If this kid who is so foul-mouthed wants me to treat him with respect, when he is so disrespectful to me - forget it!"
    But as Dr Phil says, someone has to be the hero here. Someone has to start first and set the example. Frankly, to say, "he has to start first!" when you are a parent talking about a child, and a difficult child child at that, is childish behaviour. But so many of us have at some stage been guilty of it.

    If you need it for your husband (I needed it for mine) I have my own summary I did, of "Explosive Child" which I can PM to you. It might explain things for him, when he might find reading the book heavy going.

    As you said - your husband seemed to be on the ball before, so maybe he's justfinding things a bit stressful right now.

    One possible cause for the current problems - if you are already applying "Explosive Child" methods yourself, but husband is not. This can rapidly show up as serious problems for the non-compliant adult. The only way out then, if this is what is happening, is for husband to get on the same page as you, as soon as he can. Again - if he needs to talk to another dad in the same situation, I know my husband would happily share PMs or posts with him.

  6. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Thanks Marg for the advice. I always love reading your threads and posts. You have so much knowledge and believe me I have taken your advice or words of wisdom more than once. husband is usually such a level heading calm man. He had a moment that I know he wishes he could take back. He has been fine with difficult child since his meltdown the other night. I read The Explosive Child and it helped more than I can say. I am going to put it under the sink in the bathroom for husband to read. He loves to read in the bathroom LOL
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    husband is usually such a level headed calm man.

    I think we're all usually level headed and calm, until we are driven to our wits end by our g'sfg! ;)