husband relasped
- Thread starter everywoman
- Start date
Marcie Mac
Just Plain Ole Tired
How disappointing - am so sorry
Marcie
Marcie
lovemysons
Well-Known Member
Dear everywoman,
I am so sorry to hear of husband's relapse but I do understand, unfortunately, how it can happen. Will husband be in a dual diagnosis facility? Don't know what his "drug of choice" is but there IS a very strong relationship between depression and alcoholism. Also, will husband go to AA or Narc anon meetings? The support can really help. Al Anon might be great for you too, there are plenty of women who are in the same boat.
Hoping with help, time and healing that you and husband can be restored to a strong unit again.
with love and care,
Tammy, lms
I am so sorry to hear of husband's relapse but I do understand, unfortunately, how it can happen. Will husband be in a dual diagnosis facility? Don't know what his "drug of choice" is but there IS a very strong relationship between depression and alcoholism. Also, will husband go to AA or Narc anon meetings? The support can really help. Al Anon might be great for you too, there are plenty of women who are in the same boat.
Hoping with help, time and healing that you and husband can be restored to a strong unit again.
with love and care,
Tammy, lms
B
bran155
Guest
Oh, I am so sorry! Sending many prayers and (((HUGS))) your way. Try to take some time to care for yourself. You deserve to be the focus of your energy!!!
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
gcvmom
Here we go again!
Just wanted to offer my support and encouragement. I have a husband with addictive issues stemming from his undx'd form of BiPolar (BP). It's incredibly stressful when they are unstable and using their drug of choice. I went to a support group for this and it was very helpful for me. I hope you have a similar place you can go to talk openly about the things you are dealing with (besides here). And I hope your husband is able to get the help he needs.
F
flutterbee
Guest
I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))
Lothlorien
Active Member
I'm glad he's agreed to go to detox. That's a good start. I can certainly understand your frustration and anger. This will pass. I hope you can find a way to forgive him and get through this together.
rejectedmom
New Member
Sending hugs. -RM
everywoman
Well-Known Member
Thanks all. I am trying to hold it all together until the weekend. I have to make it through the week intact. Too many obligations and people count on me to do what I have to do---I can't make myself disappoint the people I care about because the person who is supposed to love me more than anything is selfish and inconsiderate. I will be able to take some time this weekend to deal with my emotions. Right now I'm on autopilot. Sometimes you just do what you have to do. Don't worry. I will be okay. I haven't survived this long for nothing. The anger is helping from being too sad. I know the sadness will come when I let my guard down, but that is not possible until I finish this week.
everywoman
Well-Known Member
Actually, I did not carry him. I did all that 6 years ago. PCdaughter, husband's sister, and her son-in-law carried him. I came to work. I am at a critical point with my students, and they deserve my time. I can't justify taking time off because husband once again made the choice to use. I'm not trying to sound cold-hearted, but I really feel like his consequences shouldn't have an effect on all my students. If I'm not at school, learning doesn't happen. I also had Open-House tonight and had to meet and greet parents. This is detachment at it's hardest.
DDD
Well-Known Member
I'm not sure that I am qualified to even respond to your pain. My Dad was a recovering alcoholic who got his act together for the last three decades of his life. Due to his addiction my Mother who loved him, never trusted him. It was subtle but the barrier was there until the end of their lives.
My easy child/difficult child is an alcoholic who does his best not to drink on occasion. When he says that he is going to stay sober and then comes home drunk, I find that I feel betrayed...like it is a personal affront. Intellectually I know that he is not setting out to "hurt me or the family". He is in a battle against a foe that is alluring and meets a comfort need that we mere humans can't meet. It is a daily stressor and painful and fearful. I do not know about traveling the rollercoaster with a spouse. I have not been there done that. But...I think that maybe you are seeing it as a personal issue which means that you have not been able to detach. I don't envy you but live in a similar anxiety ridden sphere. Sending hugs your way. DDD
My easy child/difficult child is an alcoholic who does his best not to drink on occasion. When he says that he is going to stay sober and then comes home drunk, I find that I feel betrayed...like it is a personal affront. Intellectually I know that he is not setting out to "hurt me or the family". He is in a battle against a foe that is alluring and meets a comfort need that we mere humans can't meet. It is a daily stressor and painful and fearful. I do not know about traveling the rollercoaster with a spouse. I have not been there done that. But...I think that maybe you are seeing it as a personal issue which means that you have not been able to detach. I don't envy you but live in a similar anxiety ridden sphere. Sending hugs your way. DDD
amazeofgrace
A maze of Grace - that about sums it up
I am so very sorry, I can relate to the pain and devastation every time husband relapses.
My S2BX is an alcoholic and is also now addicted pain killers. I feel strongly that he is BiPolar (BP) like difficult child II. I still catch myself thinking the "what if's" and "maybe this times" on occassion. Sadly my situation came to a point where it was essential to seperate for the mental well being of me and my sons. He's already replaced us with an addict/co-dependant that meets his every need and is happy to use with him.
I will pray for you....I am so very sorry
My S2BX is an alcoholic and is also now addicted pain killers. I feel strongly that he is BiPolar (BP) like difficult child II. I still catch myself thinking the "what if's" and "maybe this times" on occassion. Sadly my situation came to a point where it was essential to seperate for the mental well being of me and my sons. He's already replaced us with an addict/co-dependant that meets his every need and is happy to use with him.
I will pray for you....I am so very sorry
everywoman
Well-Known Member
You know, I can deal with the fact that he has an addiction. I understand that. I understand that addicts slip---got that. What I do take as a personal affront is the lying and deceit that goes with all of it. I don't understand how you can lie to someone you proclaim to love. What in your brain tells you this is okay? Maybe I'm not as detached as I think. If I'm angry and hurt does that negate detachment?
amazeofgrace
A maze of Grace - that about sums it up
this is something I am still struggling with.
gcvmom
Here we go again!
I'm guessing the same thing that tells them their addiction is an acceptable coping mechanism is the thing that tells them it's okay to lie about their behavior.
I think the anger can help speed up the detachment process, as long as you don't hold onto it for too long.
Have you seen this book?:
[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Language-Letting-Go-Hazelden-Meditation/dp/0894866370/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233106342&sr=8-1"]Amazon.com: The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series): Melody Beattie: Books[/ame]
I think the anger can help speed up the detachment process, as long as you don't hold onto it for too long.
Have you seen this book?:
[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Language-Letting-Go-Hazelden-Meditation/dp/0894866370/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233106342&sr=8-1"]Amazon.com: The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series): Melody Beattie: Books[/ame]
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
I think it means you are human. {{{Hugs}}}
everywoman
Well-Known Member
AOG--know your pain. My husband does not drink. He is a narcotic addict---loratab and xanex (sp) are his drugs of choice this time. Before it was Oxycontin---then when he couldn't get that he moved on to crack.
Thanks for the link gvc. I have read Codependent No More. I have lived its principals for over 20 years now---I think its been that long. I would not have survived if not. I have done the Al-Anon/Narc-Anon group. I know the mantra---I know the literature---Guess I need to get my books out and read again. I do not feel guilty. I do not think it's my fault. I am willing to allow him to face his consequences. I forgive him, my faith allows me to do that---my problem comes with the forgetting!!!! It took 3 years before I could ride by some old haunts without getting that feeling and as long before I could sleep all night without waking to check and see if he was still here. Do I have another three years to live with that nagging---and will it take even longer this time?
But, I'm still heartbroken. I feel like my husband has another woman that I can't compete with---and believe me if it were a woman, I could compete---but I can not/ will not compete with a drug for love and adoration. It just wouldn't be a fair fight. I make life real---his mistress makes it an illusion. I am honest---his mistress lies and makes it seem okay. He is numbed by his mistress. I can't do that!!!
Sorry, I'm still working through all of this AGAIN. I'm not trying to hog the board....but there is no one here to talk to---and if I talk to anyone I know, I will break down----can't do that!!!
Thanks for the link gvc. I have read Codependent No More. I have lived its principals for over 20 years now---I think its been that long. I would not have survived if not. I have done the Al-Anon/Narc-Anon group. I know the mantra---I know the literature---Guess I need to get my books out and read again. I do not feel guilty. I do not think it's my fault. I am willing to allow him to face his consequences. I forgive him, my faith allows me to do that---my problem comes with the forgetting!!!! It took 3 years before I could ride by some old haunts without getting that feeling and as long before I could sleep all night without waking to check and see if he was still here. Do I have another three years to live with that nagging---and will it take even longer this time?
But, I'm still heartbroken. I feel like my husband has another woman that I can't compete with---and believe me if it were a woman, I could compete---but I can not/ will not compete with a drug for love and adoration. It just wouldn't be a fair fight. I make life real---his mistress makes it an illusion. I am honest---his mistress lies and makes it seem okay. He is numbed by his mistress. I can't do that!!!
Sorry, I'm still working through all of this AGAIN. I'm not trying to hog the board....but there is no one here to talk to---and if I talk to anyone I know, I will break down----can't do that!!!
