husband vent

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by PatriotsGirl, Oct 19, 2010.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Okay, I always vent about difficult child, now it is husband's turn!!!!!!!!!!!

    difficult child calls me to tell me she just talked to PO who told her she doesn't think it is going to work out for difficult child up at my mom's. She said that she told her that she should be back here and go to a program six hours south of us. Meanwhile, I talked to this woman on my way home yesterday and she agreed completely with my stance that she attend a program before she comes back here. So I am baffled but this isn't the first time difficult child has told me something PO said that was complete opposite of what PO told me.
    So, of course I get absolutely furious and call husband to tell him the nerve this woman has! I mean, if she is going to go get difficult child and bring her down to the center, great! But don't offer that up as a choice! I am not willing to fly difficult child here again and then drive six hours south to the center that she says she should go to. There are wonderful programs right where she is!!! One run by a childhood friend of mine!!
    And what does husband do? Gets mad at me for believing difficult child. Actually starts yelling at me because I believed PO said all of this to difficult child. Okay, I had put a call in to PO and haven't heard back from her, but still, you are going to yell at me???? I am so SICK and tired of being the only one that has to deal with all of this poo and he can't even just listen to me when I need to vent???
    I'm SO mad. At PO. At him. At difficult child for probably manipulating PO to think she is living in miserable conditions.
    I reiterated to difficult child that under no circumstances will she ever live with us again until she has gone through a program. She claims she can stay off drugs with out it. Well, honey, if you can that is great. But I told her she needs to understand that I am not taking the chance that she makes the right choice in my home. I am already sick to my stomach at everything that was in my home that I had no idea was up there. Right across the hall from easy child.
    Thanks. I feel better. A little.
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    {{{{Pat}}}} {{{{Pat}}}} {{{{Pat}}}}} gently on shoulder....

    I hear ya! It's OK...

    We have a similar husband/difficult child/MOM triangle at my house, too. I used to get really mad at husband for not letting me vent about all kinds of stuff - then I realized that he was just seeing all the *poo* from a different point of view. IOW - the poo I was falling for and getting angry about seemed very obvious lies to husband. Meanwhile, the poo that husband was falling for and getting upset about seemed obvious lies to me. We are still figuring out ways to commiserate without beating each other up.

    Recently, difficult child told me a story that had me searching all over the internet trying to verfiy. I was getting very angry and upset that I couldn't find the info I was looking for. husband came up behind me and kind of "hollered" at me that I let myself get caught up in one of difficult child's stories again and I needed to stop. I was angry - but OK, he was right.

    And husband will do the same thing. difficult child will tell him something and he won't even question it. Then I have to kind of check him and say Don't you know she was lying to you just now? And then husband will be me and at difficult child.

    I think this kind of anger and hurt just goes with the territory.

    I hope you and your husband can find a way to work it out without causing too many hurt feelings.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Yah know........(long exhale)

    Daisy Face said it - excellently, and I mean right down to the 'Don't you know she/he was lying to you just now?' part. I sit back and I think when DF (dear fiance) comes at me with that 'tude and I think "Noooooooo, no he was NOT, this is legit, this is MY son being serious, being scared, needing ME, NOT you.....asking ME for help, did he call YOU? NO! And WHY didn't he call YOU?" (long pause thinking) DF will stand there looking at me with that nare-do-well blinking man stare that I.LOVE.SO.MUCH) Because he....he.....(defeated I hang my head and grumble the words I am sure DF LOVES (LOVES DO YOU HEAR ME) loves to hear. Because he KNOWS you will not buy any of this

    baloney, melarky, bullca-ca, wool-over-the-eyes, tricks, games, deceptions, slight of hand, cry wolf, poop, devious, ARRRRRRRRGH! lies. AGAIN. Now? DF just walks away. Twenty years of this and you would think I'd be a pro at hearing the lilt in his voice during the stories, or the build up to a deception - but nooooooooo, not me, not idiot me. So when I get 'had'? I'm mad as sin. Then to have DF 'lord' over me (and he really doesn't it just feels that way because a 20 year old 'got' me when no one else in the world can. I'm angry with myself.

    So now? I have a better plan A - Yup. EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth? A lie. Hi Mom (okay) How are you? (suspicious) What are you doing today? (Why what do you want me to do for you???) Then there's that pause and WHAM....I know there is going to be a CAN YOU, DO YOU, WILL YOU, IF I - will you........and sure as shootin' the kid lays it out like pavement on a hot SC day. And anything after that is LIES LIES......LIES. I call it........Story time.

    I'm not sure if there ever will be a day I believe him or trust him (insert chortle here) after the years of lies and deceptions and hours of arguments he's started between DF and myself DUE to me wanting to believe him - but I know this much - A house divided will surely fall and these kids KNOW that. The day DF and I became UNITED? It went from mild deception to pure hades in our home and it became an obsession to divide and conquer until difficult child realized it was NOT going to happen no matter what.

    What I can tell you about my talks with difficult child TO my DF? I now start them off with - WELL you won't believe what he said THIS time - and that seems to soften the blow between DF and difficult child's believablilty meter. Letting DF know I'm not buying - and difficult child isn't selling it very well anymore. I figure I have to LIVE with DF - and 99.9% of the time difficult child is lying so if I start off with WELL YOU WON"T BELIEVE.....regarding any difficult child communication? I get a better audience with DF. and a little more understanding as a Mom who just wishes her kid was well....from a man who has NO CLUE what to do other than tough love.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I talked to PO this morning and she did say that. I told her unless the state is willing to bring her down here and into a program do not offer that up as an option as I cannot take any time off work, nor am I willing to pay for another plane trip. The best programs in the country are up there - there is no reason she couldn't go to one of them and then come home. She completes a program, I will fly her down and welcome her with open arms. But until she is willing to do that, my home is not an option.
    Anyway I texted husband and told him that PO did in fact say that and his response was, well now you can get mad.
    I explained to him that since I am the only one dealing with any of this, I need his support, not criticism. He says if I am going to vent that sometimes he is going to yell, too and if I don't understand that then not to talk to him. I am so mad I have steam coming out of my ears. Must be soooo nice to sit back and do NOTHING while I handle all the stress and bullcucka. His response??? Just bring her back and then you will both be happy. Um, what??? When did I ever say that was an option??? I'm mad. I don't want to go home after work.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    And now the real reason for the blow up comes co-dependancy is causing a major rift in my marriage. :(

    I constantly own every problem she has and I need to stop. I obssess about her issues. So much so that it is carrying over in every area of my life. Yeah, time to get the book and work on me for a while. Need a therapist.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    PatsG -

    Ya know - I loved going to a therapist. Okay I did NOT NOT NOT at first. I actually was tricked into going the first time. Yup. Sad confessions of a therapy-holic. I went to PROVE TO EVERYONE (points there and you and you and you) that I did NOT NOT need it. I got in the car, I slammed the door like a 12 year old, I rode all the way there with my arms folded. I got out, I said "I'll show YOU who needs a therapist!" and my girlfriend locked me out of her car. O.M.G. Then she cracked the window and said "Either you go in, and talk to the woman about how crazy you are becoming or you can walk home." (home was 55 miles one way, I had no money and was bruised from head to toe from a beating from my then husband). yeah I did not need therapy. So I went in and talked, and talked and talked.....and if you think I write long - OMG....

    Anyway - I got my son into therapy shortly after I got into a domestic violence group and not too long after that? I got out of my marriage, moved, went into hiding, and well - (scratches head and chuckles) yeah like ohhhh I dunno 15 years later? I actually was told this past March - or was it last March..nope this it was last March that I no longer needed therapy services. I was a little remiss, but I'd been going so long it had become habit. I ENJOYED what I would call and still call 'blowing it out my donkey'. I mean - what I learned in thearpy? Well basically? You can NOT bihtc to your husband about your kids. You can NOT b to your best friends about your kids, and you can't do it to your family either because if you want ANY of them to be your husband, best friends and family that stays around? Yeah (draws chin down like ewwww) well? You need to have a B'ing buddy - and someone who doesn't just go "Uh huh....WOW....Ohhh That's ....Gheeee and give you sympathy and empathy. You NEED to have someone to throw **** at and instead of it just sticking? That person says "Well here's what I think you should do - let's try THIS next week coming." and WORKS through your stress, anger, frustration, and your short comings. Oh don't have any? I have tons! You can borrow some of mine and take a few of those to therapy if you think you are lacking - feel free to borrow as many as you like to get started. (lol)

    Seriously? And here was the BEST part of therapy......O.M.G. the. Best. Part. Yeah - see I had to face ME. I actually had to deal with junk in my past, my childhood, and my entire life that MADE me (MADE ME) allow my kid and my husband and my so-called friends and people in the world to treat me lesser than I deserve. Yeah give that a go now after 15 years of thearpy. Not gonna happen. (insert super hero music dat dah da haaa) I am no longer a door mat for anyone. I no longer would accept snippy little comments and sarcastic criticism without a really clever comback - not necessarily a totally sarcastic comeback- which I could dish up on a whim and man would it stick - but one that would shut a mouth and sit him in the corner. I mean basically - either you are here to help me? Or you can get the H out and H would not be my first choice of alphabetical letters. Don't like that answer? There is the door. I'm done playing with namby pamby men who think that raising a child is YOUR child and NOT my child - and this is ALL ON YOU and I get to go do this and that while you are frustrated to the nth degree - and I'll stand over here and make my snide comments, and you fume. No maam.

    HOWEVER - once I started therapy? Another great thing about that? Was the invitation. Oh the invitation? yesssssssss (say that like it's spelled) The invitation is where YOUR therapist asks why the Father figure in the home is NOT participating in Therapy as a Family unit. As a united front, as a HELP-MATE, as a HUSBAND. Then starts giving you ideas as to why you are with that person, how helpful is he, why are you there with him? Yeah see that's why MINE didn't want ME to go in the first place. So I snuck around and went without him knowing. With DF? He was a little iffy at first, but when he saw that I was really trying to help difficult child? And needed his help? He jumped right in both feet because like I said he got letter....F. I'm not in a relationship with a kid to be alone........we were a package deal. He knew that up front. Front is also where the door is - so if this wasn't going to be for him? There was the door. No I'm not kidding. I'd rather eat soup than have a man in my life that didn't want to see my son get help. Rift? Sure at some point you have to say "I've done all I can for you (child) and now you are on your own) and I have to concentrate on MY happiness. I did that when Dude turned 18. legal in the state of SC. Until then? I was responsible for him and in turn so was DF.

    So therapist shouln't be a slap in the face. I should be a welcome YES - a day out for ME. And eventually - you may just keep it for yourself or see that you want your husband involved - depending on how "enmeshed" you are with your daughter. (It's not co-dependent it's enmeshed) ugh - tell him to get the words right. pft. lol.

    Anyway - Hang in there - and come here and sound off as much as you need. Sometimes I don't think guys 'get it' and keep in mind they don't 'talk' like we do to get things clear. We can sit down and gossip about a bad dress we saw on TV and it's a release. I mean do we care about a meat dress? No. Will we ever wear one? No. Do I care? Not at all. But did I have to listen to 10 women in the doctors office talk about it? Yup. - Pure release - and I'm sure it had NOTHING to do with a meat dress. Just bottled up need to blow it out their donkey about 100 other things - and it came out as "meat dress." (nasty) - lol.

    Hugs & Love
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Star you are so incredibly awesome!!! I swear I love reading your posts. I am going to find a therapist because you are exactly right. I can vent to everyone and anyone and it is not getting me anywhere but distanced from those very people. I am excited about going - I have SOOOO much to release!!!! I am also going to an Alanon meeting on Monday night. I need it. I did buy two books yesterday - Codependant No More (and I do believe I am addicted to her addiction - I am truly obssessed with her issues and trying to "fix" her) and I also bought a book called, Beautiful Boy. It is a book written by a father about his experience dealing with his son's meth addiction. I cried reading it last night. I think it's going to be another good release.
    difficult child texted me last night saying she used meth to deal with her depression. She told me she was watching a documentary and thinks she is bipolar and needs a therapist. I told her no one can address any mental health problems until the drug problem is dealt with. I explained to her that drugs change a person's personality and two weeks of being clean is not long enough. I told her she needs treatment not only to get off drugs, but to learn how to live and stay off them. I told her it was about finding herself and working on herself. Plenty of therapists in rehab! Yeah. She still says she does not have a problem and is NOT going to rehab. Ok. Your choice. But again, she is not living with me until she has gone through a program. I know I am responsible for her until 18, but that does not mean she has to reside here. She has a perfectly fine place to stay at my mom's.
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I see a therapist and it is like a life line right now. I am married (husband is the father of my kids), and I love him, but to be perfectly honest he is completely useless when it comes to dealing with difficult child's nonesense. I am left to handle all of it myself. I have to ask him to step in and help me when difficult child is throwing a fit about something, which I truly resent, and even then he doesn't help very much anyway. Why do I have to ask him to step in and be a parent for once?

    Anyway, as if you could not tell, I have alot of anger and resentment issues, both with difficult child and husband because I feel like it all falls on my shoulders and I feel like everyone thinks it's all my fault. If you can got to see a therapist, do it for no one but for yourself. You need to be able to vent about what you are dealing with, try to heal yourself. It does help and it does get better.

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    PatsG -

    I'm glad you are going to seek out someone for you. THAT is Awesome!!! I'm flattered that I can help. Somedays when my life felt like it was never going to make sense again I wondered why? Maybe not just for me, but for all of us the beauty of hard times is in being able to help others eventually and mostly knowing and avoiding disaster when we see it. For me? That much of it is priceless. My former life was very interesting, and now I sit back and think - O.M. WORD are you lucky to be alive. I think it's what makes me happy - that and the fact that i've lost the curiosity of having to know the why's being it all. After raising a difficult child you just realize and accept a lot of things for what they are and deal with them the best way you know how.

    It is my hope that in seeing a therapist that it strengthens you as a person and helps your relationship with your husband. For me and my house it allowed us to clear the air, and not that we didn't have established relationship rules or know how to fight fair already - but the thearpy time almost seemed like a neutral ground to just be completely honest about everything that was bugging us and we had a referee of sorts that would say things like "Well just last week now Star YOU ---- or when DF said something HE felt I had done unfairly the therapist would say "Now DF I can remember at least X amount of things that Star has said X, X & X which were very complimentary about you." and then he would sit there and say "OH...oh yeah!" instead of "No no I don't remember THAT." and not have anyone non-partaisan to side with you both. I mean the therapist had NO gain to side with either of us - so when he did side? It was completely neutral and for OUR benefit. Once you work on that kind of trust for five years it also builds a pattern and then he just kinda let US go....I mean it was interesting to me because Im SO weary of people working angles that even the therapist said "You have to trust someone sometime." to me. I laughed and said "What angle are you working with this?" I mean it was very hard for me to even let HIM do what he was trying to do to help. He really had a tough job with me. (oh yeah says YOU) ahem.

    Anyway - I'm much better now. :tongue: lol.......ahem. besides.....a boatload of fun. ;) And it's a lot more fun to wake up in the morning with a happy go lucky attitude than that of a badger. If I had a chance to go back once a month or so and recap with my former therapist? I'd go. And I don't even really have anything to complain about - I mean other than loosing my job to a liar of a boss, my house falling apart, df being disabled, wanting to move and my house being a -----oh I said that twice it must really bother me huh?, m k......anyway - just daily junk - but the fun stuff for your buddies - and give the garbage to the therapist. and us......I like to dumpster dive. and curb shop. So put it out there sista!

    Hugs & love
    and I'll put in an extra word for my niece - (and dinner gets colder and colder..........gotta add THAT to my list) maybe Santa will bring me a plate warmer. hehe. What I really want Santa is A DONKEY!