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<blockquote data-quote="Liahona" data-source="post: 13847" data-attributes="member: 3199"><p>Not being computer minded I'll try to explain where it is. I signed up to the e-mail list ASPIRES. I had to go to the page and email someone named Linda in order to get on the list. I'm trying to past the http address to the opening page.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.aspires-relationships.com" target="_blank">http://www.aspires-relationships.com</a></p><p></p><p>One of the AS aspires members e-mailed me saying that it sounds like husband has problems with exective functions. I've talked to husband about this (WHAT were you thinking when you bought that?!!) and what he said coupled with what I see in his behavior (very loving yet can't seem to stop his behaviors and confusion about not being able to stop) led me to believe that he does have problems with executive functions. The folders is my way of explaining to myself a problem with executive functions. (Actually I think I got it from Ross Greene.) I still get very confused about what executive functions look like on a day by day bases. Sorry, I didn't mean to be mis-leading. One of the other things leading me to belive this members theory of husband having problems with exective functions is that his behavior fits with other Aspire members stories of their DHs. Its almost like his twin is married to someone else on the internet. </p><p></p><p>I'm not sure if he has always been like this. He has been like this since we've been married. Our marriage has been extremely stressful because of difficult child 1, difficult child 2 and ex. It could be because of stress. It could also be because of an abusive mother. His mother singled him out and abused him much more than his siblings. I'm thinking this could be the heart of the problem or he could be AS and couldn't read his mother as well as his sibs. I think dealing with the symptoms is all I can do right now. If husband wants to get to the why of his actions I'll be very interested, but he is an adult. I'll just deal with handling the symptoms.</p><p></p><p>husband does see a problem. I'm not exactly sure what his diffinition of the problem is though. If I ask him he says "I'm the problem." and doesn't get more specific than that. If I ask him what should happen he says "I should just stop." We've been fighting this for 3 years (as long as we've been married.) He admits its a problem, says he'll change; he knows its bad to get stuff for himself leaving the kids and I with no money for necessities. BUT, he can't seem to stop. Right now I don't think he is agreeing to have his name off the checking account because he sees that he can't stop spending. I think he agreed because he realized how close I am to leaving him. He doesn't want to lose me. </p><p></p><p>Its hard to find out what is in his mind because talking is really hard for him. It has taken years to get him to open up about little good things. Things like what is going on at work, his good childhood memories, his thoughts about his interests (politics, news, and history.) Getting him to talk about hard painful stuff takes me being very persistant and prying it out of him. We don't argue like anyone else I know. For example, when he came home I said we need to talk. I outlined my feelings and what he was doing. He offered an excuse. I didn't accept his excuse. He said he didn't mean to undermine me and went to read a book. The whole exchange took less than 5 min. A few hours latter I brought up the issue again and asked him if he had any other suggestions. He said no and agreed to take his name off the account. That exchange lasted less than 2 min. Fight is over. Very logical, almost surgical. </p><p></p><p>He has suggested counseling, but won't actually go. He stops just short of making the phone call and going. We even have the preauthorization done. When I said I wanted his name off the checking account I told him that if he came up with any other suggestions I'd be open to talking about them. He couldn't think of any. </p><p></p><p>Sorry this is so long. Its a topic that is on my mind alot.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Liahona, post: 13847, member: 3199"] Not being computer minded I'll try to explain where it is. I signed up to the e-mail list ASPIRES. I had to go to the page and email someone named Linda in order to get on the list. I'm trying to past the http address to the opening page. [url="http://www.aspires-relationships.com"]http://www.aspires-relationships.com[/url] One of the AS aspires members e-mailed me saying that it sounds like husband has problems with exective functions. I've talked to husband about this (WHAT were you thinking when you bought that?!!) and what he said coupled with what I see in his behavior (very loving yet can't seem to stop his behaviors and confusion about not being able to stop) led me to believe that he does have problems with executive functions. The folders is my way of explaining to myself a problem with executive functions. (Actually I think I got it from Ross Greene.) I still get very confused about what executive functions look like on a day by day bases. Sorry, I didn't mean to be mis-leading. One of the other things leading me to belive this members theory of husband having problems with exective functions is that his behavior fits with other Aspire members stories of their DHs. Its almost like his twin is married to someone else on the internet. I'm not sure if he has always been like this. He has been like this since we've been married. Our marriage has been extremely stressful because of difficult child 1, difficult child 2 and ex. It could be because of stress. It could also be because of an abusive mother. His mother singled him out and abused him much more than his siblings. I'm thinking this could be the heart of the problem or he could be AS and couldn't read his mother as well as his sibs. I think dealing with the symptoms is all I can do right now. If husband wants to get to the why of his actions I'll be very interested, but he is an adult. I'll just deal with handling the symptoms. husband does see a problem. I'm not exactly sure what his diffinition of the problem is though. If I ask him he says "I'm the problem." and doesn't get more specific than that. If I ask him what should happen he says "I should just stop." We've been fighting this for 3 years (as long as we've been married.) He admits its a problem, says he'll change; he knows its bad to get stuff for himself leaving the kids and I with no money for necessities. BUT, he can't seem to stop. Right now I don't think he is agreeing to have his name off the checking account because he sees that he can't stop spending. I think he agreed because he realized how close I am to leaving him. He doesn't want to lose me. Its hard to find out what is in his mind because talking is really hard for him. It has taken years to get him to open up about little good things. Things like what is going on at work, his good childhood memories, his thoughts about his interests (politics, news, and history.) Getting him to talk about hard painful stuff takes me being very persistant and prying it out of him. We don't argue like anyone else I know. For example, when he came home I said we need to talk. I outlined my feelings and what he was doing. He offered an excuse. I didn't accept his excuse. He said he didn't mean to undermine me and went to read a book. The whole exchange took less than 5 min. A few hours latter I brought up the issue again and asked him if he had any other suggestions. He said no and agreed to take his name off the account. That exchange lasted less than 2 min. Fight is over. Very logical, almost surgical. He has suggested counseling, but won't actually go. He stops just short of making the phone call and going. We even have the preauthorization done. When I said I wanted his name off the checking account I told him that if he came up with any other suggestions I'd be open to talking about them. He couldn't think of any. Sorry this is so long. Its a topic that is on my mind alot. [/QUOTE]
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