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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 13854" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Marg's Man here</p><p></p><p>By the sound of things you've got a pretty good handle on what is wrong with your husband (and your marriage). As I see it; THE biggie is money and its management. Everything else is secondary.</p><p></p><p>It is GOOD that he seems to recognise his deficits in this area and seems to be willing to cooperate with you by closing off his access to the family cheque account. Many blokes will have trouble with this - they would see it as a loss of masculinity. In our cultures the male as provider is still the dominant ethic; despite the fact that there is absolutely overwhelming evidence to the contrary these days. Look at this site - nearly every active member is a MUM; not a Dad and most of you are Warrior Mums to boot!</p><p></p><p>If you can, involve him in the decision making for any major purchase. You say you're not computer minded but, obviously, you have one (you wouldn't be here if you don't). Can/does he use it? If so get him to keep the records. Set out your household accounts using one of the templates that come with whatever software suite your computer uses. This is my main coping strategy, I can see exactly where the money is coming from and going to. As cash in my pocket, it tends to burn holes so I only ever carry minimum amounts; just enough for fares and daily incidentals.</p><p></p><p>As Marg said; I do this for us although I found the professional templates try to do too much. My system uses a spreadsheet with just five columns which tracks what we got(income), what we spent (outlay) and how much is left (balance), the other two columns are date and a brief description of what happened to the money. It's not good enough for a business but more than enough for household expenses.</p><p></p><p>You said, "Its hard to find out what is in his mind because talking is really hard for him. It has taken years to get him to open up about little good things. Things like what is going on at work, his good childhood memories, his thoughts about his interests (politics, news, and history.) Getting him to talk about hard painful stuff takes me being very persistant and prying it out of him. We don't argue like anyone else I know. For example, when he came home I said we need to talk. I outlined my feelings and what he was doing. He offered an excuse. I didn't accept his excuse. He said he didn't mean to undermine me and went to read a book. The whole exchange took less than 5 min. A few hours latter I brought up the issue again and asked him if he had any other suggestions. He said no and agreed to take his name off the account. That exchange lasted less than 2 min. Fight is over. Very logical, almost surgical."</p><p></p><p>When he says you are the problem; he probably cannot articulate it any better than that. I'm GUESSING (and it is just a guess) that he doesn't like being forced into voicing his emotions. This is fundamental to his psyche. Many men have trouble voicing their emotions, Aspie men especially so don't expect this to get any easier for him. It's been there all along even if you didn't see it earlier. I love Marg and I know there is nothing that I cannot say to her BUT; there are things I have not said because I cannot put them into words. When I try, I get tongue tied and lost for words, stutter and so on. Usually something interrupts before I finally get it out. By the time we can get back to it (whatever it was) the chance is lost. You will probably have to push him to make the appointments to see therapists but (as you already realise) he IS an adult and will have to be 'handled' rather just forced the way a child usually can. Ross Green's techniques of empowering the individual will work just as well with adults as they do with difficult children.</p><p></p><p>I hope this helps.</p><p></p><p>Marg's Man</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 13854, member: 1991"] Marg's Man here By the sound of things you've got a pretty good handle on what is wrong with your husband (and your marriage). As I see it; THE biggie is money and its management. Everything else is secondary. It is GOOD that he seems to recognise his deficits in this area and seems to be willing to cooperate with you by closing off his access to the family cheque account. Many blokes will have trouble with this - they would see it as a loss of masculinity. In our cultures the male as provider is still the dominant ethic; despite the fact that there is absolutely overwhelming evidence to the contrary these days. Look at this site - nearly every active member is a MUM; not a Dad and most of you are Warrior Mums to boot! If you can, involve him in the decision making for any major purchase. You say you're not computer minded but, obviously, you have one (you wouldn't be here if you don't). Can/does he use it? If so get him to keep the records. Set out your household accounts using one of the templates that come with whatever software suite your computer uses. This is my main coping strategy, I can see exactly where the money is coming from and going to. As cash in my pocket, it tends to burn holes so I only ever carry minimum amounts; just enough for fares and daily incidentals. As Marg said; I do this for us although I found the professional templates try to do too much. My system uses a spreadsheet with just five columns which tracks what we got(income), what we spent (outlay) and how much is left (balance), the other two columns are date and a brief description of what happened to the money. It's not good enough for a business but more than enough for household expenses. You said, "Its hard to find out what is in his mind because talking is really hard for him. It has taken years to get him to open up about little good things. Things like what is going on at work, his good childhood memories, his thoughts about his interests (politics, news, and history.) Getting him to talk about hard painful stuff takes me being very persistant and prying it out of him. We don't argue like anyone else I know. For example, when he came home I said we need to talk. I outlined my feelings and what he was doing. He offered an excuse. I didn't accept his excuse. He said he didn't mean to undermine me and went to read a book. The whole exchange took less than 5 min. A few hours latter I brought up the issue again and asked him if he had any other suggestions. He said no and agreed to take his name off the account. That exchange lasted less than 2 min. Fight is over. Very logical, almost surgical." When he says you are the problem; he probably cannot articulate it any better than that. I'm GUESSING (and it is just a guess) that he doesn't like being forced into voicing his emotions. This is fundamental to his psyche. Many men have trouble voicing their emotions, Aspie men especially so don't expect this to get any easier for him. It's been there all along even if you didn't see it earlier. I love Marg and I know there is nothing that I cannot say to her BUT; there are things I have not said because I cannot put them into words. When I try, I get tongue tied and lost for words, stutter and so on. Usually something interrupts before I finally get it out. By the time we can get back to it (whatever it was) the chance is lost. You will probably have to push him to make the appointments to see therapists but (as you already realise) he IS an adult and will have to be 'handled' rather just forced the way a child usually can. Ross Green's techniques of empowering the individual will work just as well with adults as they do with difficult children. I hope this helps. Marg's Man [/QUOTE]
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