"husband's" Idea

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I have been telling husband for about a year or so that I think it would be a good idea to install security cameras in the house. There have been many times when fights start between the two kids. easy child says that difficult child did something to him. difficult child swears up and down that he's innocent and it was all easy child's fault. Oddly enough, these things always start when I am not in the room because difficult child knows that unless I see it, I don't take the word of one child over the other. husband has been telling me that I'm making things out to be alot worse than they really are and that he doesn't want to spend the money on something that we don't need.

    So, yesterday, difficult child kicks easy child. Right in front of me. So, I punish him while difficult child stands that and denies that he did anything to anyone and that if easy child wasn't near him he would not be in trouble. This, of course, leads to a huge meltdown (the third one of the day) about how we're all out to get him and blame poor difficult child for everything. Suddenly, husband comes to me and tells me that he thinks having cameras installed "in a few of the rooms" of the house is a good idea. The problem is that I told him where I think they should go (bedrooms, kitchen, den, and basement) and he disagrees with me. He thinks we just need them in the bedrooms and the basement, because those are the only room where problems start. I told him that we need them in the other rooms, too (and I know this because I am the one who is home and knows where all of the problems start) and he, again, thinks I'm making things out to be worse than they really are.

    I just want to scream!
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    We've had security cameras installed in our home....and BOY did we learn a lot!

    One thing I will tell you about shopping for a surveillance system - the more cameras in the system, the more expensive the system. Plus, you are going to want a way to monitor all the cameras without having to sit there and look at them all day...so you'll need a multi-channel recording system. When there's an incident - you will be able to go back and "review the tape".

    I don't envy you the headache of getting this all set up - especially if husband is not on the same page. Good luck!
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Thanks, Daisy. I know that it will be more expensive if we put more cameras in, but difficult child is really a smart kid. Sometimes I think too smart for his own good. My concern is that once he figures out where we have cameras placed he'll wait to start trouble in a room that is not monitored.

    I really think that I need to go back to see my therapist because I am so angry with difficult child that this is what our lives are becoming. Never in a million years did I ever think when I said I wanted kids that my life would become about protecting ourselves from him. There are days when I really think that I hate him for making it come to this.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yep. Or he'll find the corner of the room the camera doesn't quite catch....or he'll start pulling more bs outside... Frankly, after having been there done that - I can tell you it doesn't matter how many cameras you use...difficult child is going to continue to be a difficult child. And the cameras will become yet another source of tension in your home once difficult child figures out that they "get him in trouble".

    At our house, we caught difficult child on tape clearly helping herself to her brother's things - and she wanted to argue that the cameras were LYING, it wasn't her, we must have staged to the whole thing, yadda, yadda, yadda...

    I hear you. You are not alone in this. It is hard, and stressful and so unfair...

  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Has that ODD diagnosis ever been challenged? because... my experience is that you can't fix ODD but there is usually another cause for the behavior, and there are things that work (interventions, accommodations, medications) in dealing with the underlying diagnosis.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    husband thinks that I am the real problem. That if I could just let go of my anger and not dwell on things, difficult child would be wonderful. He would feel loved and happy and all would be right with the world.

    ICD, I want to take difficult child for a second opinion, and I brought it up to the therapist, who thinks it's a good idea, but difficult child went BALLISTIC when it was brought up. Even the therapist was taken a bit aback at difficult child's reaction.
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Years ago, my husband used to work a job that had him out long hours and sometimes he would be out of town for days at a time. We used to talk on the phone every night before bed and he, too, would tell me I just need to "let it go" or just "give difficult child an extra hug" and then everything would be roses and sunshine...

    It wasn't until husband was out of work for a few months that he got to see the REAL issues I had been dealing with for years. And then, of course, he apologized for not believing what I had been telling him...but it took unemployment for him to really "get it".

    Interestingly, we installed the video cameras shortly thereafter...

    So maybe this is your husband's first baby-step toward "getting it", too?
  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Gotta love it when they get the idea from you, claim it, and then refuse to believe you might know more about it than they do. LOL

    Also how are you supposed to let it go and forget about it when it is constantly happening. It is like being caught in a war zone. Each encounter with the enemy teaches you something new and teaches you how to deal with it better. Of course all those things pile onto one another. I have never understood how people can say they let something go or wipe the slate clean. People are just not hardwired that way. Seriously!! There is a part of the brain specifically designed to allow us to learn from previous experiences, its the same part that teaches you not to touch hot things after getting burned. Do people really think that just because it is your child you wont learn in the same manner?
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Sadly, Daisy, I don't think that husband is ever really going to "get it". He just refuses to see what is happening right in front of him. I have told him time after time that if the kids are playing together he needs to listen because things with difficult child change in an instant. Just because they are playing and laughing at this moment doesn't mean that difficult child won't be trying to beat the heck out of easy child in the next moment. He must listen for the clues. He refuses to do it. He can't undestand why I feel angry and resentful of both of them. difficult child because of what he has done to this family, and husband because he has left me all alone to deal with it all. Even when he's home, he leaves me all alone to be the sole parent. He only steps in when he hears things becoming really bad, and by then everyone is upset and crying and angry. And he wonders why I'm unhappy. Or maybe he doesn't even notice that part. Who knows?
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Bunny -

    Maybe you need the cameras more for husband than for difficult child, Know what I mean?? It's pretty shocking when you actually get to see what happens when Mom and Dad aren't looking...
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    DF... where's that doggone LIKE button!!! <LIKE> <LIKE>
    THAT may be the biggest win of all... although, it sounds like Bunny's husband doesn't even "see" it when it's right under his nose?
  12. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Daisy, you are exactly right. Maybe it will be an eye opener for husband. I think that it would be pretty surpising to difficult child as well. "I didn't do it!" Should we roll back the tape and see what happened. Although, I'm sure that he'll say we doctored it somehow so that he looks guilty. After all, difficult child is a saint and he never does anything wrong. It's only the people who are around him that get him into trouble by doing the wrong things.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you!
    I'm sorry that husband doesn't believe you. My husband is doing better, but he still thinks I should spend more time doing "fun" things with-difficult child. Even the therapist asked yesterday what we do. Frankly, he doesn't want to spend ANY time with-me.
    Yep, it's all Mom's fault. No matter what.


    Let us know what you decide about the cameras.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Why do people assume that if we just loved our kids more or spent more time with them or played more with them then all would be well? At least I didnt get that one. I think thats because we had 1 on 1's in our lives for so much of Cory's life that they saw what we did with our kids. We may not have had much money but my kids never lacked for attention from either of us.
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Because... you wouldn't believe how many neurotypical kids have behaviour problems because they never see mom & dad... they go from before-school-care to school to after-school-care to supper-on-the-road to some activity, then home to bed and repeat tomorrow. These kids start out with normal attachment... and develop some form of 'insecure attachment'... and the behaviour issues that go with it.

    BUT... the system needs to recognize the difference between "normal" problems and... kids with challenges. The combined list of dxes that brings all of us to this board... any ONE of those should automatically snap professionals out of the "it must be the parenting" responses. Yes, even ADD/ADHD... because that one rarely stands alone.