husband's mouth...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by gcvmom, Oct 18, 2008.

  1. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    has a way of opening and spewing forth his opinions a little on the loud side when his sense of fairness has been insulted.

    I'm sure some of you have family members like this and can relate.

    At easy child's soccer game this morning, we saw that the parent of a player on the opposing team had shown up to referee our game. Unless you have permission from the league AND notify and get the o.k. from BOTH coaches, you cannot do this. You're not even supposed to referee for teams in the same age bracket if you have a kid playing, let alone referee for his or her team!

    Not only did this guy NOT tell our coach (I had to do that), he didn't even discuss it with him before the game to give him an opportunity to agree or disagree with the arrangement. AND we learned that his son was the second ref that was supposed to be there helping but didn't show, so that's TWO conflicting issues.

    Also, during the game, he kept his belongings on the other team's side where his wife was sitting, and during breaks he socialized with the spectators from the other team, instead of remaining away and apart from both teams like he's supposed to.

    When the game was finished, husband let the referee know he'd be reporting it to the league, to which the ref retorted that the league approved it, and then within earshot, called husband a "loudmouth" to the parents on the other side.

    That was enough to get husband's volume cranked up and he walked to the half-way part of the field and demanded that the other coach tell the referee/parent to not call him names. By this time, our coach was running after him to bring him back to our side and diffuse the situation. Needless to say, it was an awkward moment for me.

    husband remained agitated for a few hours. Accused me of not backing him since I pointed out that he was supposed to stay calm and not get so loud and belligerent. He finally settled down after he got his letter to the league written and I helped proofread it.

    To make things even more interesting, the referee in question is the assistant coach of the boys' team difficult child 1 is playing this afternoon!

    I don't know if there will be any repercussions to this. It's really too bad husband lets his emotions rule his thinking -- it's one thing to stand up for something that's wrong and find a diplomatic solution, but in my opinion it's just not right to shout at people from across a field when you're not happy with something they've done. It really was our coach's call, after I told him about the conflict of interest, to say something and put a stop to the game proceeding under this referee in the first place. But husband gets on his high horse and feels like he's got to be everyone's champion with a bull horn!
  2. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I tell you what I probably would have been hard pressed to not behave as your husband. I wouldn't but it would be a constant battle. I would have muttered about it all over the when the announcer started announecing the next race while easy child was till in the pool a while back. Oof hard to not get fussy.

    I am glad he is calmed down now. Sadly I see both sides of this (yours and his that is not the other people) and would have my own internal war on how I would address it.

    Hope the league takes care of this.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL...I have done what your husband has done. Or things quite similar.

    I was the woman who stripped my poor 6 year old down to his undies in the parking lot of a Tball game because the umpire wasnt being fair. I tossed his uniform at them and left. Ump thought my kid ought to know something simply because he was taller than another kid who was shorter but actually older so he kept calling mine out and giving the other kid more chances...ticked me off royally!

    I have been known to yell from the bleachers that the ref's or umps need

    Ive never yelled at a kid...but some idiotic adults have felt the sting of my fury a time or two.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'd want to do what your husband did, but I'd do it with the letter when I got home. I can't stand the thought of looking like a hormonal idiot in front of a crowd. Granted, most men aren't concerned about that.

    Who won the game, and did the guy officiate appropriately other than the hanging with his own team?
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Witz, the other team won 4-2, but they were a better team. The ref did not call the pushing and throw-in violations he should have until the 4th quarter when they were already ahead -- or so it seemed.

    husband is sullen, pouting and occasionally directing his anger at me today. Since returning from difficult child 1's game, he's been playing Mahjong on his easy child with his headphones on. He made a comment to me that he feels like there's nothing you can do as an adult to get back at somebody who's slighted you. Then he laughed and said something about smashing the guy's car window! I asked him what that would accomplish, he denies being serious and tells me it was a test to see how I would respond. WTH?

    Later on, when I ask if he's okay or wants to talk, he says it will just start an argument (again, he is being super-sensitive and feeling like I'm not backing him). So he's essentially not talking to anyone. And now he just went upstairs to watch TV by himself. Another old habit from his pre-medication days.

    The fact that this incident still has him this jacked up 7 hours later, and it's affecting his interactions with his family, it's telling me his depression is creeping back in. I really feel that his weaning off the Paxil this month is going to turn into a BIG mistake.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This does sound bad.

    Those episodes I mentioned are all pre-medicated days. I get mad now, dont get me wrong. I explode, vent, cuss, name it...I do it. But I do it at home. Or in the car on the way I never show out in public. I also dont take hours and hours to get over things anymore.

    Im sure I have my "moments" when people would just as soon shoot me as look at me because I can be a B. There are days when I want to do nothing but be left alone.

    Oh heck...Im probably not helping you a bit am I? LOL.
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Actually, Janet, it's helpful to have my doubts about his stability confirmed! I am so enmeshed with him that sometimes it's hard to see that his behavior is NOT NORMAL. He should have gotten over this by now and he shouldn't be sulking and hiding out like he is.

    And I guarantee that this won't end here. It will become transferred to his issues in the bedroom and morphs into a completely different thing that he's mad about. This always happens. Something sets him off. He gets pi$$ed. He sulks and pouts. He escapes into computer games and music and avoids the world around him. Then he turns it into a sex issue and starts a fight with me. Watch. See if I'm not wrong here...
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'm so sorry.

    You're right, he actually had a point and could have resolved it diplomatically. (Doesn't sound like the ref was so hot, either.)

    I believe you when you say it will end up in the bedroom. Must have something to do with-the male ego in general. Sigh.
    You don't have to let him fight with-you, you know. You can refuse to participate. Just listen and say, "So, what you're saying is ..." and then aqree with-him. (Hopefully he'll go away and play on the computer instead of getting romantic when you are not in the mood.) But you can refuse to play the game.

    Good luck. I'm sending strong vibes for strength, clarity and patience to So. Cal.
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    As someone who feels at times like Janet's sister!!! LOL, maybe Janet doesn't want that title!
    But I agree, I am not making excuses, but I have been known to have many less than stellar and not so pretty *road rage* (as I like to call them) moments.
    I always feel horrible afterwards, but it is very hard to not shrink inside of myself with the humility and disgust with my lack of self control.
    Which makes me feel more anger and more depressed.... cycle more etc.
    Yeah why can't I just keep my mouth shut? The things that are spewing forth in my head, in my head?
    I have no idea, I lose control, they just start coming out, it is this inability to control what is in my head at times.
    This passion. This urgent desire to get my point across, that overtakes me. I HAVE TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND...
    It is almost like an out of body experience, so to speak, because I do feel awful afterwards. I wish I did not mouth off so ungracefully and with sooo much obvious emotion (yes Witz like hormonal) You feel totally stupid after the fact.

    And yes when I am more stable, I can control these things better, I can think things through and think about the reprecussions and most times stop myself or talk to husband and calm myself.
    I actually just went to new psychiatrist Friday and increased one of my medications and added a sleep medication... husband has been on me about my flying off the handle.
    Whether I like it or not, he knows me and has my best interest at heart.

    Good luck, I know how lame it is. Not my shining moments! LOL
    When I am witnessing others doing the same things! I try real hard to burn into my memory.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm not a yeller but I do have a tendency to get my point across. The ref would have had no doubt that I was upset with the whole thing and so would the league when I got home and either started making some calls or writing some letters. Sadly, I would also have been angry at my mate if my mate didn't support me. Self-righteous anger can and does bleed over into other areas if I know I'm right and I get criticized for not just hoovering it up (not being able to say s u ck is really dumb). So, I do understand your hubby's anger at the ref and at you.

    You may have understood why he was angry but all he sees is that you told him not to be angry or at least not show his anger. That really is a negation of his feelings. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying his pouting is right, just that I understand it. When you're a kid, it's semi-acceptable to pout and take it out on those around you. As an adult, you need to learn to get over it and be an adult. That means you dscuss why you felt belittled, negated. You find acceptable ways to handle the unfairness of another's behavior. You don't pout and sulk more than one hour. That's just childish.

    Hope he starts acting like an adult soon. It really is time.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, um, I'm with husband. I mean, that wasn't fair to the kids. Sent all the wrong messages. Might have been different if Ump was being fair and not socializing with his son's team.

    BUT I'd have taken care of it once I got home. I'd have been making phone calls, not a scene in front of kids. I probably would've been grumbling under my breath the whole time though. lol

    Still, alot of men take this sort of thing way more personal than we ladies do. Although my husband would've simply made my life miserable until I did something about it. MEN. Ugh
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    OH yeah?

    Well I saw your husband's picture - and HE IS A PIRATE - and PIRATES are always right.

    Even if they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh telling a referee he needs to eat dirt. lol

  13. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I didn't say he was wrong, just that he could have handled it better. It totally agree with his issues about the ref.

    So easy child and I were at the store shopping for Herbert stuff and we came home -- guess what he's doing? Back on the compter with his headphones on! After an hour and a half, he gets up, goes in and takes a shower, comes down and kisses the kids goodnight, comes up behind me and kisses me on the back of my head, and without a word, goes to bed. Ta-daaa! I see an old, familiar rut emerging.