Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I’m at a loss
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 744658" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. Sorry you ended up here. This is not a good place to have to be but the people are nice and help.</p><p></p><p> I read all of your post and my head is swimming. I will post my thoughts and dont take them all that seriously. The end is all up to you and we support your choices.</p><p></p><p>I do not mean to be harsh when I say this <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p> What is done is over but your kids really had NO stability in their lives so they could not settle into one place with one main caregiver and just learn in one school while being kids with long term friends.</p><p></p><p>You mom, grands your women ex's men, the moves ... They never had one place to call home. And are still moving around to different places with different people and drugs and an abusive SO They are doing what they know.</p><p></p><p>And it sounds like nobody makes them get careers or full time jobs....do they work? Who pays their bills? Do they have any long term goals? No matter what, it can get better.</p><p></p><p>My best uneducated guess is to not be so willing to let son move around to your various homes, especially with no full tume job. He in my opinion needs to stop freeloading and pay some rent and help in the house.</p><p></p><p> People with ADHD and anxiety and dysfunctional childhoods CAN and DO learn to live stable, self sufficient lives, work, take care of themselves or they could end up homeless. Or even in prison.</p><p> They need a plan for their lives to aim for. We all do.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion maybe have Son stay only in one place with rules..... maybe no drugs in your home ever or he must leave, a job, and some at least minimal rent, chores, respect, and no other places to go if he doesnt like the rules. Try to involve the entire group of his rescuers.</p><p></p><p>He will not grow up if he isnt taught how to grow up. He needs to make stability out of his life and that wont happen if he doesnt stay in one place and be forced yo follow adult rules. If he wont there are shelters. Many of us have gone there.</p><p></p><p>I dont know what drugs he takes but he could benefit greatly in a long term rehab with rules...more than 90 days. Some of our kids spent a year or so sober in rehab and are now doing gteat. See RN.</p><p></p><p> But the adult kids were not allowed to come home afterward and not follow societal rules. He is NOT the.boss of all of you. I assume you pay for him. Right?</p><p> YOU are in charge.</p><p></p><p>If he wont adult, many of us have tearfully allowed our kids to live on the streets. Then they grow up. Or not. It is up to them. We cant control another person, even our kid. But we donthave to enable them....do for them what they can do, or learn to do, for themselves.</p><p></p><p>Rescuing adult kids never works.</p><p></p><p>I strongly suggest getting a stable family system going. If you cant, you at least can remove yourself as somebody who will jump in to the rescue. They only learn by facing consequences.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion no more paying fines or lawyers. Dont buy things. A car for what? Make him work to get an old car and sustain it. My kids all did that and they are not perfect but all work hard and pay their bills. And if their cars broke down they fixed it. Their Dad helped if he could. He is a mechanic. But we never paid.</p><p></p><p>For us we had a rule that if you break the law you are on your own. Worked at least for us.</p><p></p><p>For your daughter please tell her to leave and go to a shelter for Domestic Violence. Hopefully she will.</p><p></p><p>Stop the Bank of Dad. Both adult kids you have can apply for SSI and MAY get it , sign up for Medicaid, food cards, Welfare ,Section 8 Housing and other local charities Dont let them mooch off of family or they could be mentally children for life or end up in prison.</p><p></p><p>They had a hard past.Many people do. They do not all end up helpless or in trouble.</p><p></p><p> Have you ever read A Child Called it? Its by David Pelzer. Read it. He ended up in the military! And he was a product of the third worst case of child abuse in the state of California.</p><p></p><p>My autistic son lives on his own too. He works and is happy. If he can do it with serious challenges your kids can too. THEY CAN!</p><p></p><p>Its if they will.</p><p></p><p> Some of that depends on if the family allows them to get family help.... money, food, comfort and lodging while they dont learn to be adults. The rest is up to.them. its certainly not too late but you, grandparents, ex, and even sister need to change how you behave toward him. Sister has enough on her own plate.</p><p></p><p>Nothing ever changes unless we change. And yes it is very hard totsay no. We feel selfish and mean. We all cry when we know they are homeless, if it comes to that. But this just is not working. Also take care of YOU. You matter. You dont need 25 year old temper tantrums and holes in your walls.</p><p></p><p>Think of how you will change the game for your beloved kids. If you want them to change... You must change how you handle their many crises.</p><p></p><p>Love and light!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 744658, member: 1550"] Hi. Sorry you ended up here. This is not a good place to have to be but the people are nice and help. I read all of your post and my head is swimming. I will post my thoughts and dont take them all that seriously. The end is all up to you and we support your choices. I do not mean to be harsh when I say this :) What is done is over but your kids really had NO stability in their lives so they could not settle into one place with one main caregiver and just learn in one school while being kids with long term friends. You mom, grands your women ex's men, the moves ... They never had one place to call home. And are still moving around to different places with different people and drugs and an abusive SO They are doing what they know. And it sounds like nobody makes them get careers or full time jobs....do they work? Who pays their bills? Do they have any long term goals? No matter what, it can get better. My best uneducated guess is to not be so willing to let son move around to your various homes, especially with no full tume job. He in my opinion needs to stop freeloading and pay some rent and help in the house. People with ADHD and anxiety and dysfunctional childhoods CAN and DO learn to live stable, self sufficient lives, work, take care of themselves or they could end up homeless. Or even in prison. They need a plan for their lives to aim for. We all do. In my opinion maybe have Son stay only in one place with rules..... maybe no drugs in your home ever or he must leave, a job, and some at least minimal rent, chores, respect, and no other places to go if he doesnt like the rules. Try to involve the entire group of his rescuers. He will not grow up if he isnt taught how to grow up. He needs to make stability out of his life and that wont happen if he doesnt stay in one place and be forced yo follow adult rules. If he wont there are shelters. Many of us have gone there. I dont know what drugs he takes but he could benefit greatly in a long term rehab with rules...more than 90 days. Some of our kids spent a year or so sober in rehab and are now doing gteat. See RN. But the adult kids were not allowed to come home afterward and not follow societal rules. He is NOT the.boss of all of you. I assume you pay for him. Right? YOU are in charge. If he wont adult, many of us have tearfully allowed our kids to live on the streets. Then they grow up. Or not. It is up to them. We cant control another person, even our kid. But we donthave to enable them....do for them what they can do, or learn to do, for themselves. Rescuing adult kids never works. I strongly suggest getting a stable family system going. If you cant, you at least can remove yourself as somebody who will jump in to the rescue. They only learn by facing consequences. in my opinion no more paying fines or lawyers. Dont buy things. A car for what? Make him work to get an old car and sustain it. My kids all did that and they are not perfect but all work hard and pay their bills. And if their cars broke down they fixed it. Their Dad helped if he could. He is a mechanic. But we never paid. For us we had a rule that if you break the law you are on your own. Worked at least for us. For your daughter please tell her to leave and go to a shelter for Domestic Violence. Hopefully she will. Stop the Bank of Dad. Both adult kids you have can apply for SSI and MAY get it , sign up for Medicaid, food cards, Welfare ,Section 8 Housing and other local charities Dont let them mooch off of family or they could be mentally children for life or end up in prison. They had a hard past.Many people do. They do not all end up helpless or in trouble. Have you ever read A Child Called it? Its by David Pelzer. Read it. He ended up in the military! And he was a product of the third worst case of child abuse in the state of California. My autistic son lives on his own too. He works and is happy. If he can do it with serious challenges your kids can too. THEY CAN! Its if they will. Some of that depends on if the family allows them to get family help.... money, food, comfort and lodging while they dont learn to be adults. The rest is up to.them. its certainly not too late but you, grandparents, ex, and even sister need to change how you behave toward him. Sister has enough on her own plate. Nothing ever changes unless we change. And yes it is very hard totsay no. We feel selfish and mean. We all cry when we know they are homeless, if it comes to that. But this just is not working. Also take care of YOU. You matter. You dont need 25 year old temper tantrums and holes in your walls. Think of how you will change the game for your beloved kids. If you want them to change... You must change how you handle their many crises. Love and light! [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I’m at a loss
Top