I’m back… update on youngest of 3 sons

[New Life]

I have a couple of other threads but a quick recap. I have three sons. Oldest (24) is doing well. Has a job and his own apartment. Middle son (22) is doing well enough. Has a low paying job and lives with his girlfriend in her trailer. She’s old enough she could be his mom but he seems happy so I’m not judging. The youngest (19) is a whole other story.

His story is typical of many. Trauma from divorce and drug addiction starting at a young age. He has juvenile charges and was on juvenile probation. Went immediately into adult charges for theft from person. He couldn’t complete probation successfully. Had other charges for public intoxication and criminal mischief at separate times. As well as other things not caught. He took a deal and served his time out. He now is a convicted felon.

After selling my house and moving to an apartment he was living with his dad. His dad and I couldn’t come together before. But now after dealing with everything I had his dad and I can now speak and agree on things. However our son wore out his welcome where his dad lives with his girlfriend. I don’t blame her as she’s raising a teenage son.

So as soon as our son got out of jail he went to live with his girlfriend. What a disaster putting to addicts together. Not even out of jail a week and he was in the hospital surprisingly with no arrest. And within another week he’s now in jail again in a different county.

Here’s my issue. I’m jumping straight to feeling guilty. My husband and I are out of the apartment and bought a house a couple months ago. I do have space for my son. I didn’t even offer him the opportunity to stay with me. I figured he’d say no anyway without his dog being allowed. But I didn’t even ask. Yes I know he could have ended up in the same place but maybe he wouldn’t have with a parent around for support and no easy access to drugs. Honestly it’s fear of living with him that held me back. Even if he’s cleaning and sober there’s still always drama because he doesn’t like rules or keeping a normal schedule.

I keep waiting for this to end. It’s sad that it may never or at least for a long time.

 

[LetGo]

I have a couple of other threads but a quick recap. I have three sons. Oldest (24) is doing well. Has a job and his own apartment. Middle son (22) is doing well enough. Has a low paying job and lives with his girlfriend in her trailer. She’s old enough she could be his mom but he seems happy so I’m not judging. The youngest (19) is a whole other story.

His story is typical of many. Trauma from divorce and drug addiction starting at a young age. He has juvenile charges and was on juvenile probation. Went immediately into adult charges for theft from person. He couldn’t complete probation successfully. Had other charges for public intoxication and criminal mischief at separate times. As well as other things not caught. He took a deal and served his time out. He now is a convicted felon.

After selling my house and moving to an apartment he was living with his dad. His dad and I couldn’t come together before. But now after dealing with everything I had his dad and I can now speak and agree on things. However our son wore out his welcome where his dad lives with his girlfriend. I don’t blame her as she’s raising a teenage son.

So as soon as our son got out of jail he went to live with his girlfriend. What a disaster putting to addicts together. Not even out of jail a week and he was in the hospital surprisingly with no arrest. And within another week he’s now in jail again in a different county.

Here’s my issue. I’m jumping straight to feeling guilty. My husband and I are out of the apartment and bought a house a couple months ago. I do have space for my son. I didn’t even offer him the opportunity to stay with me. I figured he’d say no anyway without his dog being allowed. But I didn’t even ask. Yes I know he could have ended up in the same place but maybe he wouldn’t have with a parent around for support and no easy access to drugs. Honestly it’s fear of living with him that held me back. Even if he’s cleaning and sober there’s still always drama because he doesn’t like rules or keeping a normal schedule.

I keep waiting for this to end. It’s sad that it may never or at least for a long time.

Hi New Life, I think you are right to not offer your son to live with you, especially given his history of being back in jail within a week of release. I understand the guilt. I get it. That is something I believe we all struggle with here regarding our challenged adult kids. He is a young adult and making his choices. You deserve a safe place to live and enjoy your life. I think you made the right decision.

 

[New Life]

LetGo thank you for your support. It’s reassuring to hear I’m making sound decisions.

This charge was another criminal mischief. Being a different county without history he was given a $100 bond so $10 to get him out. His dad picked him up and took him to his girlfriend’s house. They didn’t want him to stay there either. But the two kids wore down her family and they gave in. So the cycle continues. But at least not under my roof!

 

[Dad34]

I agree you made the right decision, New Life. There are many stories on this website describing disasters that almost always happen when a parent or parents say yes. He really has to want to get better and decide to seek help. Otherwise it’s just ground hog day over and over again. It’s sad. I also agree you need to take care of yourself now. Remember he’s an adult and not a child anymore.

 

[Copabanana]

Honestly it’s fear of living with him that held me back. Even if he’s cleaning and sober there’s still always drama because he doesn’t like rules or keeping a normal schedule.

Hi New Life. I am in the same place as you with my son. He wants to come and visit and this fills me with dread. I get physically ill. Yesterday I had to take nitroglycerine. Usually the angina wakes me at night when it happens. This time was in the afternoon. I am just so traumatized by all that has come before. My son does not seem to get it. I feel guilty, too, but I really don't feel I have a choice.My son does exactly what he wants when he's here. He thinks it's great I hide out in my room. Even if I tell him I get sick, he minimizes or doesn't consider it.

I tell you all this because I know when you read what I feel, what happens to me, you will feel empathy. You will urge me to take care of myself. You will urge me to protect myself. You will urge me to value myself.

Our lives matter, New Life. We are worth having peace. I will not sacrifice myself anymore. My body won't let me. My body overrides my mind. It has come to that. Actually, my body did that all along, but I didn't listen. Until the price I paid was even greater.

Our sons are responsible for their own lives. Even if they don't take responsibility and want us to be responsible for them. What is wrong with this picture?

 

[New Life]

Copa, everything you said resonates with me. My son too does whatever he wants and minimizes anything I’m going through.

Almost four years ago when things couldn’t get any worse with him I developed tinnitus (ear ringing) and hyperacusis (actual pain from ordinary sounds). I was one of the unlucky people who couldn’t deal with it and went into a deep suicidal depression. I got through it eventually but at the time it was awful. I had to wear ear plugs or ear muffs when he started yelling and screaming. One time he came and ripped the muffs off my head because he felt ignored. I was in terrible pain from the yelling and he kept at it.

Of course I would tell someone else to value and take care of their self. We definitely do deserve a life filled with peace. But it’s sure harder to follow that advice.

Someone told me instead of thinking of the awful dread when considering him living with me to instead think of it as I’m choosing peace for myself and deserve to choose my own happiness. It’s a work in progress…

 

[LetGo]

Copa, everything you said resonates with me. My son too does whatever he wants and minimizes anything I’m going through.

Almost four years ago when things couldn’t get any worse with him I developed tinnitus (ear ringing) and hyperacusis (actual pain from ordinary sounds). I was one of the unlucky people who couldn’t deal with it and went into a deep suicidal depression. I got through it eventually but at the time it was awful. I had to wear ear plugs or ear muffs when he started yelling and screaming. One time he came and ripped the muffs off my head because he felt ignored. I was in terrible pain from the yelling and he kept at it.

Of course I would tell someone else to value and take care of their self. We definitely do deserve a life filled with peace. But it’s sure harder to follow that advice.

Someone told me instead of thinking of the awful dread when considering him living with me to instead think of it as I’m choosing peace for myself and deserve to choose my own happiness. It’s a work in progress…

Yes! You are choosing peace for yourself! After giving so much for so long, we deserve happiness and peace.

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you for sharing what you wrote New Life and for affirming it, Letgo. My son again wanted to come over today. I wrote back, it's not a good time. I become overwhelmed because I wonder if it will ever be a good time. I was reading about something called "theory of mind" deficit that can happen with schizophrenic and autistic people sometimes. It's when people can't summon up cognitively the separate self of another person and imagine them as having separate and individual needs. But there is treatment!

Our children could try to heal. Or not. But I can't any longer bear the total cost of relinquishing self, to be with him. I just can't.

PS I got Tinnitus too. I never ever related it to this.

 

[Copabanana]

. I had to wear ear plugs or ear muffs when he started yelling and screaming. One time he came and ripped the muffs off my head because he felt ignored. I was in terrible pain from the yelling and he kept at it.

I am so, so sorry this happened to you New Life.

 

[New Life]

I am so, so sorry this happened to you New Life.

Thank you for your support Copa. Like you and many others here I'm sure, I could tell you many other stories of the awful things I had to put up with. It was hard being a single parent, having an unsupportive ex at the time, and being legally responsible when he was still a minor. It's hard still, but I'm glad he is an "adult" now so I have options.

 

[Beta]

Copa, everything you said resonates with me. My son too does whatever he wants and minimizes anything I’m going through.

Almost four years ago when things couldn’t get any worse with him I developed tinnitus (ear ringing) and hyperacusis (actual pain from ordinary sounds). I was one of the unlucky people who couldn’t deal with it and went into a deep suicidal depression. I got through it eventually but at the time it was awful. I had to wear ear plugs or ear muffs when he started yelling and screaming. One time he came and ripped the muffs off my head because he felt ignored. I was in terrible pain from the yelling and he kept at it.

Of course I would tell someone else to value and take care of their self. We definitely do deserve a life filled with peace. But it’s sure harder to follow that advice.

Someone told me instead of thinking of the awful dread when considering him living with me to instead think of it as I’m choosing peace for myself and deserve to choose my own happiness. It’s a work in progress…

I'm so sorry that you experienced such a painful, traumatic thing, both physically and emotionally.

 

[LetGo]

I'm so sorry that you experienced such a painful, traumatic thing, both physically and emotionally.

I am also sorry that you had such a rough experience. It does help to think about choosing peace for yourself.

 

[LostinTranslation77]

I have a couple of other threads but a quick recap. I have three sons. Oldest (24) is doing well. Has a job and his own apartment. Middle son (22) is doing well enough. Has a low paying job and lives with his girlfriend in her trailer. She’s old enough she could be his mom but he seems happy so I’m not judging. The youngest (19) is a whole other story.

His story is typical of many. Trauma from divorce and drug addiction starting at a young age. He has juvenile charges and was on juvenile probation. Went immediately into adult charges for theft from person. He couldn’t complete probation successfully. Had other charges for public intoxication and criminal mischief at separate times. As well as other things not caught. He took a deal and served his time out. He now is a convicted felon.

After selling my house and moving to an apartment he was living with his dad. His dad and I couldn’t come together before. But now after dealing with everything I had his dad and I can now speak and agree on things. However our son wore out his welcome where his dad lives with his girlfriend. I don’t blame her as she’s raising a teenage son.

So as soon as our son got out of jail he went to live with his girlfriend. What a disaster putting to addicts together. Not even out of jail a week and he was in the hospital surprisingly with no arrest. And within another week he’s now in jail again in a different county.

Here’s my issue. I’m jumping straight to feeling guilty. My husband and I are out of the apartment and bought a house a couple months ago. I do have space for my son. I didn’t even offer him the opportunity to stay with me. I figured he’d say no anyway without his dog being allowed. But I didn’t even ask. Yes I know he could have ended up in the same place but maybe he wouldn’t have with a parent around for support and no easy access to drugs. Honestly it’s fear of living with him that held me back. Even if he’s cleaning and sober there’s still always drama because he doesn’t like rules or keeping a normal schedule.

I keep waiting for this to end. It’s sad that it may never or at least for a long time.

I feel for you. Going through something similar but my son is much older. This "living on their own terms while everyone else foots the bill" is exhausting! I really don't know the answer. My son started out rocky but got a good job, wife and kids, house and was stable, then threw it all away because he "wasn't happy in his marriage". Now he's back to being an adult teenager, unstable and all over the place. I think part of the problem is they can't control their emotions and that leads to all kinds of bad behaviors. There's a group called Emotions Anonymous. I'm trying to get my son in but he keeps refusing to go. Hope you have better results. Praying for you and yours.♡

 

[New Life]

Well my son is in jail yet again. And this time he’s in a county that’s really slow. Meanwhile he has pending cases in two other counties. We live in a big city near all three. The slow county will cause him to miss court dates in the other two counties and result in violations with failure to appear increasing all his legal trouble. So you can imagine the guilt he’s laying on his dad and me to bond him out. It’s $1500. Of course he says this is the last time and he’ll go to rehab. But I’m done paying for all this mess.

This time he and his underage girlfriend were at a house party that got busted so the cops were there. They were both drunk and fighting. She was mad and slapping him. He “defended” himself and knocked her to the ground. She has a shiner so he had to have punched her. And she had a concussion from hitting the ground. He’s charged with assault of a family member. His record at 19 just breaks my heart. I’m still in shock. I wish I could help him but I know I can’t unfortunately.

 

[LetGo]

Well my son is in jail yet again. And this time he’s in a county that’s really slow. Meanwhile he has pending cases in two other counties. We live in a big city near all three. The slow county will cause him to miss court dates in the other two counties and result in violations with failure to appear increasing all his legal trouble. So you can imagine the guilt he’s laying on his dad and me to bond him out. It’s $1500. Of course he says this is the last time and he’ll go to rehab. But I’m done paying for all this mess.

This time he and his underage girlfriend were at a house party that got busted so the cops were there. They were both drunk and fighting. She was mad and slapping him. He “defended” himself and knocked her to the ground. She has a shiner so he had to have punched her. And she had a concussion from hitting the ground. He’s charged with assault of a family member. His record at 19 just breaks my heart. I’m still in shock. I wish I could help him but I know I can’t unfortunately.

Oh, New Leaf...I am so sorry that you are going through this heart ache. Sometimes, the best lesson for our adult kids is to no longer bail them out...financially, physically or otherwise. "Live and learn school", I used to call it. Do something for you today. Hugs

 

[Beta]

His record at 19 just breaks my heart. I’m still in shock. I wish I could help him but I know I can’t unfortunately.

New Life,
It is heartbreaking at such a young age. I'm sorry that you're experiencing the disappointment and sorrow this has caused. On the positive side, because he is so young he has time to get his life straightened out. And yes, you can't help him--he has to do that for himself. Just keep praying and committing him to God's work in his life. That's what I do with our oldest son.

 

[New Life]

Thanks LetGo and Beta. He is being left to figure this out this time. But it is hard. My parental instinct to help is tugging at me. I’m holding strong though and keep praying for him. Beta I do hope with his young age he can turn things around and have a good life one day.

 

[Copabanana]

I’m done paying for all this mess.

Good for you New Life. There is no other right answer than to allow your adult child to take responsibility for his own life. Only this will enable him to become a better person, with a better life. While we have no control whether or not our adult children do the right thing, I believe we teach them to do the wrong thing by smoothing over their errors.

Our children become the people they can be, and they choose to be. The hardest thing in my life is accepting that my son either does not want to do better or cannot.

But years and years of helping him, did not help him, nor did it help me. If I had it to do over again I would have come to the place where you are many years ago. I was a slow learner.

 

[Beta]

I feel like I've been a slow learner too. What has happened to us with our son has happened slowly but steadily over the last 13 years, and it's only been in the last two that I've begun to see how naive and enabling we have been.

 

[Copabanana]

What has happened to us with our son has happened slowly but steadily over the last 13 years,

Me too, Beta. 13 years. And I have been here 10 years. Duh.