I acted on a suspicion

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Jun 6, 2016.

  1. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Good luck tomorrow- will be thinking of you and your son. I know how hard it is- had to go through this last year with son- except I saw him brought in with hand and leg cuffs and orange jump suit. It's heartbreaking to see them like that.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I will be thinking of you and your son tomorrow.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Holding you and you son in my thoughts Lil.
  4. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    He was gone when I got home from work. His phone goes straight to voice mail. Not answering texts. The last FB post (that we can see anyway) from around 9 pm last night. Not looking good. At least his stuff is still here so I don't think he's planning on running. I do think that he's planning on having "One last night of freedom!" In other words, he's out partying his ass off. Judge will most definitely NOT be impressed if he shows up either hung over or actively drunk/high. As I was typing this he messaged Lil that he's on his way home. Claims his battery was dead.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Glad he's on his way home. What is it about 9 pm where you are?

    He'll have enough time to rest well, and hopefully, clean up. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping it goes his way.

    Take care, Lil.
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  6. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    About ten after now. He's been home for about fifteen minutes or so. Seems sober enough right now.
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  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I talked to a local lawyer today for a few minutes. He thinks the chances are good that he'll get one more chance if he's sincere and apologetic. But this will be the only chance. He does it this time or he goes to jail. I told him next time I'll be happy to let him.

    I mean that too.
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  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Best wishes. What a stressful time for all of you.
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Lil. Does he seem nervous at all? I mean, it is sinking in that you do not play with the court? I mean...is it anxiety...or does he really not get it?

    Good luck tomorrow.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hope all goes well Lil and Jabber, thoughts and prayers for you and your son.
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  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Good luck :)
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  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh I know that he's a little worried he'll go to jail. And he might. We made sure he knows that's possible. Well see.
  13. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Will it not be with probation?
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Thinking of all of you this morning, Lil and Jabber.

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  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    We have no real idea what the judge will do. He may chose to continue the SIS probation with community service, he may put him in jail for a while, may order jail on days off from work (which will be odd since I'm fairly sure that our son is currently unemployed), he may throw the book at him. All depends on the mood the judge is in and how much of an ass our son acts like. If our son can hold back the sarcasm and attitude, it may turn out ok. Will know later.
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well, we're back from court. I am that is, I dropped him off at a friend's house. In other words, he got lucky. Very lucky.

    The judge continued his probation and gave him until mid-August to do his community service. The judge asked him why he didn't do it. His response was exactly right. That shortly after his last extension (I found out this morning that he'd had an extension - which made me VERY worried that the judge would be done with him) he'd become homeless (true, that was when the people he was staying with got evicted). He'd left town to find a new place to stay, but that he knew that was not an excuse...had he just done it right away he wouldn't be in this position. The judge asked if he was back and settled and he was told yes, he should be moving into a new apartment soon and that he was working (I hope that's true). So he gave him one more chance, reminded him that he still has another year of probation and he better get in no more trouble, and that was that.

    I was actually pretty sure he was going to jail. I only thought of it this morning, that he'd told us last year he'd gotten an extension. I asked him if he'd been lying to us and he said, no - that he'd gone to court and been given more time. I really didn't think he'd get another chance after he blew that off. I told him while we were sitting there that I wasn't feeling good about things and to be prepared for the worst.

    I managed not to cry with relief until I was out of the courtroom. Then I took him to check on his application at the local library - where he had to just leave a message for HR - and that's that.

    So...he has one more chance. Before I dropped him off I had a chat with him about the fact that he'd be working a decent full-time job by now if he'd just quit smoking pot when he moved in and if that was more important to him than having enough money to live, he needed to give that some serious thought. I might also have mentioned that he's literally killing me.
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Glad to hear that things worked our for him. I hope he sees this as a new opportunity to get on the right path to adulthood.

    I had told my son he was killing me many times. They just DON'T GET IT.

    Hopefully you can get some sleep tonight!
  18. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    God I hope so! I'm exhausted and I know Lil is probably worse off than I am.
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  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    i hope he realizes how very lucky he is.
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Lil, I am glad your son has been given another chance to prove himself. He is young, and hopefully he will use this chance as a pivot point.
    Only time will tell.
    As for you, your life matters much.
    Your peace of mind is of utmost importance, regardless of your sons choices, and he needs to not only know this, but see it.
    He has to take responsibility for his choices.
    I have come to a conclusion that as long as we as parents suffer the consequences of our d cs actions more than they do, they grab on to this and hold us accountable.
    It is if they say " You've got this, so why should I worry, or even change for that matter."

    I was reading over TLs older post in May about our d cs not understanding what they put us through. I wonder about that. They are so self absorbed that when they are literally killing us, it seems it just isn't on their radar.
    I have begun to think that this is just what they want. Not to kill us, but to keep us so emotionally caught up in the tangled web, we can't think straight.
    It seems to me that our d cs feed off of drama and chaos, and don't bat an eye at the havoc it wreaks in our own lives. As long as we remain in the "game" so sorely affected, it keeps them from opening their own eyes, because they have successfully projected the emotional outcome of their lifestyles....onto us.
    It is subliminal, they will not even be able to admit to it, or recognize it, but it is there.

    That is what I think.

    It is the hardest thing to remove oneself from this emotional whirlwind and entanglement when we have vested so much of our hearts and energy for the lifetime of our beloved d cs.

    I know I am preaching to the choir, please forgive me if this is offensive, for I have been where you are in the desperation of wanting my kids to wake up and smell the coffee, rather than pour it in my lap.

    Please permit me to share this with you, it comes from the heart.

    In the wake of the loss of hubs, so many emotions envelope me.

    The fact that we spent the last years of his life consumed with fret and worry, deeply entrenched in the outcome of our d cs choices cannot be undone.

    It did literally kill him.

    Yes, he had health issues, but all he wanted for all of our children was a better life than what he had. His father was extremely abusive and an addict.
    Hubs was a quiet man, worked hard and did not have much to say about what was happening, but I know down inside it was eating at him.
    Me too.

    In each and everyone there is a light burning bright with purpose. That light diminished in us, as we concentrated on solutions for our two, and allowed their choices to affect us so. As they continued in the darkness, a bit of our light was burned to shine on a brighter path, we focused on fixing the unfixable, it was not our job, it was theirs. They chose to remain in the dark and hold on to us just enough to get by with their choices, without a care how our lives and future were in disarray and tumult.

    If only we realized that we had given them the best we could in raising them, and that their choices were theirs to figure out and learn from. If only we pulled back emotionally and said "We love you to the moon and back, live your lives, make your choices, we have raised you as best we could, it is our time."

    It is not so simple, there are many different scenarios for every one of us here.

    Please do not let your sons choices and consequences literally kill you. Find a way to start pulling back emotionally, and focus on the rest of your life with Jabber.
    Time and unforeseen circumstances may affect us all.
    We never know.
    From what I have read here, you are a lovely couple, and have given so much to your son.

    It is your time

    I think our d cs have everything to benefit, no matter what their age knowing that our lives and marriage matters first and foremost. This does not mean we are selfish or neglectful, but balanced. "......Let no man put asunder....." I believe this includes our own d cs.

    This is the foundation most of us were raised with. I knew that I could not fall back on my parents. They would help me here and there, but never to the extent these kids expect of us.

    In this modern age, somehow it has been switched around to the focus being on the kids, above and beyond their youth, to the detriment of our own lives.


    You can still do what you need to do to help your son, but my dear friend, try to pull back emotionally, and let him take his load, for it is his to bear.

    It is you and Jabbers time.

    I apologize for the :soapbox:, but I am remembering the struggle and torment and wishing hubs and I declared this long ago.
    Now, it is but a shoulda, woulda.

    Can't turn back the hands of time, but I can share what I know now, and wish I knew then.

    With all my heart,

    Last edited: Jun 15, 2016