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I acted on a suspicion
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 690772" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Lil</p><p></p><p>I am all wrapped up in myself because I go back to work tomorrow. I do not think I will be any help but want to chime in anyway. (smile)</p><p></p><p>And you will not like what I am going to say. My son is/was dealing with nearly everything your son is. What changed was motivation. Where did he get motivation? He did not want to be homeless anymore. He was kicked out of every other place. He only had us left. He had suffered enough to realize that there was no way we would tolerate him. He had to change. That in itself had never been enough--until he had suffered enough to be motivated to change.</p><p></p><p>Still, he is not motivated for one other productive or constructive thing. But he knows we will kick him out in a minute, for an increasingly long list of transgressions. Because---ta da--we have the power now. He does not. </p><p></p><p>He was in the fixer upper house 10 minutes from here until he got into an altercation with somebody who wanted to break in. We took pity and let him come back home. Oh wow. Are we tightening up. </p><p></p><p>His room is spotless. We do not tolerate moodiness (keep it to yourself and hide out in your room.) He must study. He must work (for us) 6 to 8 hours a day. </p><p></p><p>Our only leverage is throwing him out. He knows now. We will. </p><p></p><p>It is a process, but first we have to start with: nothing. No leeway. No nothing. That is what worked. Remember? Last September I took him to the train. I was sick of him. He left. I had no interest in talking to him. I would not call. When he called, I would not talk (because he was obsessed with his conspiracy theories). I gave nothing. </p><p></p><p>He decided having a family was worth compromising. He had to compromise. Not us. That was the change.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying everything is hunky dory. But it is better. And I can see a path forward because that is the only way we will tolerate him--if he is productive and conforms.</p><p></p><p>All of your son's issues are his own to address, and his life will develop on the basis of how he addresses them.</p><p></p><p>As far as happiness, most people are not happy, they have to learn to be. </p><p></p><p>The thing is, you and Jabber have learned to be happy. Get tough, Lil. You can do it.</p><p></p><p>If he does not want to work, fine. He will be homeless. Then, he will work.</p><p></p><p>You know the answers (to every one of his questions). That helps him not at all. He needs to find them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 690772, member: 18958"] Hi Lil I am all wrapped up in myself because I go back to work tomorrow. I do not think I will be any help but want to chime in anyway. (smile) And you will not like what I am going to say. My son is/was dealing with nearly everything your son is. What changed was motivation. Where did he get motivation? He did not want to be homeless anymore. He was kicked out of every other place. He only had us left. He had suffered enough to realize that there was no way we would tolerate him. He had to change. That in itself had never been enough--until he had suffered enough to be motivated to change. Still, he is not motivated for one other productive or constructive thing. But he knows we will kick him out in a minute, for an increasingly long list of transgressions. Because---ta da--we have the power now. He does not. He was in the fixer upper house 10 minutes from here until he got into an altercation with somebody who wanted to break in. We took pity and let him come back home. Oh wow. Are we tightening up. His room is spotless. We do not tolerate moodiness (keep it to yourself and hide out in your room.) He must study. He must work (for us) 6 to 8 hours a day. Our only leverage is throwing him out. He knows now. We will. It is a process, but first we have to start with: nothing. No leeway. No nothing. That is what worked. Remember? Last September I took him to the train. I was sick of him. He left. I had no interest in talking to him. I would not call. When he called, I would not talk (because he was obsessed with his conspiracy theories). I gave nothing. He decided having a family was worth compromising. He had to compromise. Not us. That was the change. I am not saying everything is hunky dory. But it is better. And I can see a path forward because that is the only way we will tolerate him--if he is productive and conforms. All of your son's issues are his own to address, and his life will develop on the basis of how he addresses them. As far as happiness, most people are not happy, they have to learn to be. The thing is, you and Jabber have learned to be happy. Get tough, Lil. You can do it. If he does not want to work, fine. He will be homeless. Then, he will work. You know the answers (to every one of his questions). That helps him not at all. He needs to find them. [/QUOTE]
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