I Already Know What You're Gonna Say...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, May 22, 2010.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    but I need to get it off my chest anyway...

    This doctor is NUTS!!!!

    husband was fed-up with the baloney about buying difficult child a horse--so he sent the doctor an email and said that HE needed to talk with the doctor personally about what's been happening and NOT happening with difficult child.

    So at today's appointment, husband did a lot of talking about how he was sick and tired of difficult child laying around doing nothing, flunking out of school, and giving him attitude and angry outbursts every time he asked her to do something. He wants some kind of practical solution because we cannot go on living this way.

    Now the doctor has been having us use a "behavior chart" for the past several months...and her answer all along has been to 'give it time' and 'eventually' it will work.

    Today--doctor still will not admit that the behavior chart is not working....and instead offers to come up with a "compromise" for the family.

    So what's the big solution?

    doctor said that difficult child has been doing so well and making such progress that the "behavior chart" is no longer necessary. Yay!!!


    Yes, doctor explained that we've all made wonderful progress. In fact--she doesn't even think that difficult child has a mental illness (never mind that just a few weeks ago this same doctor diagnosed her with alphabet soup). But today...everything is just fine.

    So...basically we've been told that today is a "Fresh Start" {{aren't you so sick of hearing about difficult children getting a fresh start???}} and we should just go on with our lives and everything will be different now. Everything is just great.


    I feel like I've wasted six months of my life....

    Clearly, we need a new doctor--

    Which is a whole other can of worms.

    This stinks!

    (o wait--I forgot--"Fresh Start"...everything's hunky-dory.)
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Did you ask therapist if difficult child was aware of this "fresh start"? Has difficult child agreed with this "Fresh Start"? What boundaries has difficult child told therapist she will live within for this "fresh start"?

    OMG - I am so sorry! Ugh big time!!!!

    Tell therapist that there is no "fresh start" until difficult child has come to her senses about who is in charge at her home - and it is not her! difficult child has to learn to show respect. She can have a "fresh start" when she decides to try her best to turn her life around.

    difficult child is the one who should be suggesting it. A great line would be, "Mom and Dad, I am sorry I have messed up my life. I don't like the choices I have made to become this person. I want better for my life and I realize that I need to make different choices in my life. To prove to you that I want to change, I will make a fresh start this moment and work on not being selfish. What can I do to make my life easier?" Then you have a list of "You will speak respectfully, you will keep your room clean, you will help around the house......ect, ect." But she is the one who needs to be motivated to do this, once again, you can not pull out behavior with offering anything (even a fresh start).

    And don't let therapist state that difficult child has come so far as to be practically cured! This will prevent your insurance company from paying for the next therapist.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yeesh. I feel for you. That's awful.

    I suggest dumping this one like a hot potato. The advice you have been given is worthless. Sounds like instead of her saying, "I don't know what to do" she's saying, "I cured him." For the record, many kids never respond to behavioral charts. It's not unusual. I wouldn't even talk to therapist about it...I'd just never go back. Why pay the therapist if he's not doing his job.

    good luck, and I'd head for the hills!
  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator


    Time to find a new doctor.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It sounds like she was looking for a way out before it was your decision. But what you described as your experience- that is about ALL I got from tdocs working with my son- one after another. Never mind I had written recs from a state expert psychiatrist for therapy issues and type of therapy. But in your case- I'd consider this a blessing in disguise!
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No wonder the doctor is driving you nuts!! Hugs.
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    These are my feelings, exactly! I told the doctor not to even utter the phrase "fresh start"--I told her not to even say it....and she responded with 'but it IS a fresh start--you've all come SO far!". Pfftt!

    And difficult child has changed exactly nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zip. So doctor said we needed to "compromise" so that difficult child could feel like she was "making progress". husband nearly exploded. He said "Why do I have to compromise on a kindergarten-level behavior chart ?"

    So the deal is that the behavior chart is over...difficult child gets all her priviledges back...and in exchange she is now going to be responsible and cooperative because she feels like she has "achieved" something.

    What a crock!

    And yes, now I am worried that doctor is going to be reporting that difficult child is "cured". How do you justify rx's for Celexa and Abilify for a kid with absolutely no problems? And we certainly don't want to live with this kid un-medicated. Yikes!
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    You're exactly right. I knew the behavior chart was not going to work from day one--that's why I made all the requirements so ridiculously easy. (If you'll remember, the chart included tasks like changing underwear and not swearing). I knew difficult child was not managing those tasks and would not be able to manage them with or without a chart. I think the doctor had been hoping to prove that we were just not parenting correctly. She even pointed out that some of the items on the chart should have just been things difficult child routinely did without reward (yeah, no kidding) and that she should not have been earning points for it. Of course, it didn't matter either way...
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Fire her b4 she can write up her notes. YOU want YOUR comments, dated, in the file.
    Get thee to a new dr, fast.
    I feel for you.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gheesh! I would summarize everything she has told you and get her to sign it. Then turn to the medical board or whomever allows her to remain in practice to get her shut down. Unfortunately, that does not help you and requires a bunch of your time - you have wasted enough on this doctor.

    Start looking for someone new - IF - you think it will be beneficial. I did not see a way that my difficult child continuing to therapy could be helpful and just stopped going. And we had a good doctor. difficult child just did not want to work the process. Surprised, I know - LOL!
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    DF, this is insane. Out of curiosity, is this psychiatrist or therapist? We've been instantly "cured" by both when their inane or incredibly simplistic treatment plans didn't work.

    A fresh start - phttt! It's hard to find both a therapist & psychiatrist willing to handle the complexities that many of our difficult children exhibit. I've found that I need to go to a university hospital to find psychiatrist's who really understand a difficult child. As for therapy - don't really care the degree (licensed psychologist, clinical SW, etc, - I need to interview & be involved in therapy for the first 6 months. I'll sit in the corner if necessary however I will now allow kt nor wm to "snow" yet another therapist. I demand at least 1 quarterly appointment with-o difficult child in the room to discuss how things are going on at home, not in the office.

    DF, so glad husband stepped in & spoke his mind. That helps psychiatrist, therapist, whatever to see it's a family situation, not just a "worried ill informed" mom.

    Ick. Keep us informed.
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Maybe husband would like to take over handling the situation? I think I'd be screaming right about now!:mad:

    I'd be curious about what specifics the psychiatrist sees where difficult child has improved? What exactly has changed?

    But you're right, no point in wasting $ on another appointment. You do need to find a new provider. I'm so sorry!
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    If you haven't paid the co-pay on that last visit, I'd send a certified letter in its place and tell this "doctor" where to stick it.

    Don't even entertain the thought of returning. I don't even care if its under court order...I wouldn't go back.

    And I'm not sure where you report these people to, but I'd be reporting that one. Its one thing to not "mesh" with your doctor...this is totally another. "buy a horse", "fresh start", and "cured"???? OMG.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If this doctor is going to report that difficult child is "cured" I would call up any therapist you could find and get at least one or two visits asap so that the ins co would see that other docs do NOT consider her cured. I would also call the ins co and say that the doctor has said this and is wrong, you are still seeing no change. It can keep the ins co from denying payment on medications, etc...

    Next time a doctor suggests something like this fresh start feces, don't do it. It really is okay to walk out of the session and tell husband and difficult child that the idjit was full of it and no way are we following this, we are finding a therapist with a brain. I have done that with several recommendations from tdocs. If it defies common sense and you KNOW it isn't going to do anything but waste YOUR time, it is okay to say no. Even to a therapist. You don't even have to tell the therapist.

    I would worry about what effect this woman has had on difficult child. what has she been telling difficult child if she thinks refusing to do even the kdg level stuff on your chart is "progress"?

    Maybe with the next therapist you need to sit in on the first month or so's worth of appointments so that therapist gets the REAL story. I would even go to the first appointment or two without difficult child. You, or you and husband only. That way you can do the history, show videos of her tantrums, etc.. so that the therapist gets your side before difficult child tries to snow her. And so that you can get some idea of whether or not the therapist has any common sense. If you still have the behavior chart I would keep it in your parent report to show the new tdocs.
  15. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Here we had been going along with the "behavior chart" idea so that we could show the doctor that we really were being cooperative and were willing to try anything--and that the problem really is difficult child. So I figured that one of these days, the doctor would just have to admit that the chart was not working. Silly me!

    difficult child sat there at our appointment and said in plain English that she refuses to do anything cause she can't see the point. doctor started to question her on this and we could tell by the look on difficult child's face that it was gonna get ugly. Her face was getting red, she was clenching her fists--at home, the next step would have been a full-blown rage.

    So at that point, husband and I announced that we were going for a walk...and we got up and left. We figured we'd let the doctor deal with difficult child's anger.

    When we returned, there were empty tissue boxes all over the place and wadded up Kleenex here and there...but no difficult child. Turns out that doctor had to keep giving her "time outs" to get control of herself.

    And it was at this point that doctor announced that we needed to compromise on the chart and give difficult child a reward right away. And when husband asked why he should compromise on a kindergarten-level chart...doctor said it was the only way to get some momentum out of difficult child....that our points system was too hard...yadda, yadda, yadda.

    So it seems that doctor must have caved in the face of difficult child's outburst and promised the child that she would talk her parents about stopping the chart.
  16. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Oh. Yeah. Because it's obviously WORKING soooooo well! :rofl: I shouldn't laugh, but honestly -- what a farce!

    Run. Don't walk. And don't look back. You need to find another provider.

    We once went to an optometrist who rx'd glasses for easy child and difficult child 2, and told me difficult child 1 did not need them. And told me difficult child 2 needed vision therapy to cure his ADHD and his tracking problems.

    So we swallowed her "line" and got the glasses and enrolled difficult child 2 in the "therapy." Well, the therapy became VERY expensive. And after 6 months, I saw no appreciable improvement from the exercises. I DID see an improvement when we fixed difficult child 2's medications at the time! So I decided to go to another optometrist for a 2nd opinion. I chose the eye doctor that husband used to go to before his LASIK surgery. Oh. My. Gosh. easy child did NOT need glasses, nor did difficult child 2. ANNNND... difficult child 1 was very, VERY near sighted!!! The eye doctor was appalled at the diagnosis's we were given, as was I. So I made sure I went back to our pediatrician (who is the one that referred us to the original eye doctor) to let him know exactly how I felt and that he should NOT be referring anyone to that office again.

    So I guess I'm saying it's time for a second opinion for your family -- and you shouldn't look back.
  17. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Talk to the parents about stopping the chart but NOT about stopping the rewards! Here, just give her what she wants, show her how it feels to get this reward and then just maybe next time she will actually work for it! OMG, where do they get some of these tdocs?