I am so afraid of him being in the street cause i think he will overdose.
Dear Misty:
Almost all of us arrive here (and to al anon) in this spot: addicted to our adult child.
I am out of control because I can't make my son act right, function, and do what I need him to do. Or I can't protect him from himself.
We have lost sight of our own well-being, or indifferent to it, as a consequence of our addiction. Everything we feel about ourselves, our own welfare, is dependent upon saving our child and seen through this lens. While we may acknowledge the risks to us, we are blind to our own needs because we have come to believe that our welfare is exactly the same as theirs. Like a solar eclipse, where our light is invisible because the moon, has blocked it from sight, we are eclipsed from ourselves because we have merged with our child.
Step one is to recognize what has come to be. Step two is to begin to locate ourselves in ourselves, not in them. When we begin to locate ourselves in ourselves, immediately there are things that we can do. If we are present in our own lives, it becomes important (essential and urgent) that we have a safe and secure place to live. It becomes important that we (our homes and things) have peace and security.
The single most important thing you can do for your son is to begin to live for yourself and in yourself and to begin to heal.
I think Al Anon is a great idea. What helps me the most is posting on as many threads as I can. As I post to other people I realize what I know to be true. I show up strong here, first. Only later do I get stronger in my own life.
The only person who can help your son is your son. There is all kinds of community support, if he seeks it. This does not mean that you can't have a relationship with him or in time be a support to him. But how can we do that if we are beaten down? What do we have to give if we are invisible, especially to ourselves? How can we support them if they are destroying us and our environment? How can we have voice if they will not hear us? Most importantly, how can we speak if we do not hear ourselves?
They need to decide to be open and responsible, first. Before we can be in healing relationship with them. Your son is acting neither open nor responsible. He is acting abusive, destructive and self-destructive. You cannot change these qualities in him. He will have to change. He can't be around you until he does. This may sound harsh, but it's real.
Of course you love your son. But this relationship, you and he, right now is not a loving relationship. It's abuse. Loving your son requires that you be present and whole. Loving your son requires that he be open and available to being loved. Neither one of you is showing up right now in a condition for love to happen.
A number of us have gotten restraining orders in order to be safe. Many more of us have ejected our children from our homes. Many of us have had no contact with our children, for a time. Or limited contact. Or limited phone contact.
The key here is NO CONTACT THAT IS HURTFUL OR ABUSIVE. Or that exposes you to harm, like eviction or being robbed. Stopping all of this is entirely consistent with love. I would say that love can't exist or flourish without safety. If we can't be safe around them then we must for a time love them from a distance.
Every single thing you are going through we have gone through, in one way or another.
Welcome to you. I am sad this is happening to you. But I believe with all of my heart that you can and will make it better.
Welcome.