I am at a loss....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dumbstruckgrandma, Oct 26, 2008.

  1. dumbstruckgrandma

    dumbstruckgrandma dumbstruckgrandma

    I am a greandmother, mother, wife, and a nurse and yet with my 9 year old grandson I am at a loss. I am very new with this conduct disorder diagnosis for my grandson ZZ.
    I am at a loss on just how you ladies and gentlemen deal with this issue. I have a hard time handling ZZ as he is very charming, and yet downright naughty in a span of 0.0002 seconds. I need some help and understanding so I am open to some learning. I ask my daughter and she seems to be confusing to me as she has the tendency to rationalize his behavior. Example: If I just deal with him and get him calm it is better for the other kids (brother and sister) however, it appears to me that ZZ is a 24 hour please calm me and forget the other kids, if she dosen't then she is a jerk or worse.
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I don't have any great advice for you but I wanted to say that I think it is very nice that you see and want to help your daughter with ZZ. Alot of grandparents don't see enough to truely understand and they feel that their child just isn't parenting "right" or some feel that they did their time raising their kids and don't want to get involved. I do think you could help by taking ZZ out 1 on 1 with you sometime, if you can handle him. It would let the others get a break and sometimes our kids can be pretty good 1 on 1.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Grandma! Welcome to the crowd! It really is commendable that you've taken such an interest.

    A few questions:

    he's 9, do you have any idea what his diagnosis is? Is it simply "Conduct Disorder" or bipolar, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, etc.?

    Has he had a neuropsychologist evaluation?

    Is there any mental illness in either his mom or dad's side of the family? Substance Abuse?

    How does he do in school?

    Does he have friends?

    I know they seem a little intrusive, but the answers will make it easier to provide insight!

    Again, welcome to the group!

  4. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hi, and welcome! It's wonderful that you're making this effort with your grandson. If his diagnosis of Conduct Disorder has been carefully made after a thorough evaluation, your daughter will have her hands full with him and will truly appreciate your support.

    You have identified one issue that comes up - the drain on family time, attention, and energy that a youngster with this diagnosis can create. It is important for you and your daughter not to cave in or be held hostage to your grandson's demands for attention. The other children need and deserve equal time. However, it's a challenge to cope with the behaviors that may result. May I suggest that you read Stanton Samenow's book, "Before It's Too Late: Why Some Kids Get Into Trouble - and What Parents Can Do About It"? It offers insight into the thinking and behavior of kids with Conduct Disorder and gives suggestions for effective parenting. Your grandson is young enough that he could benefit a great deal from the common-sense techniques, but only if all of the adults in his life are on the same page. He will be very good at triangulating the adults around him - at telling each of them different stories, getting them angry with each other, and evading responsibility for his actions while the adults argue. You and anyone else who cares for/supervises him will need to get together and agree on methods of parenting and discipline, and will need to keep communication with each other open rather than implicitly believing whatever your grandson tells you. It is difficult but you have time to work with this young man before he becomes set in his thinking and behaviors.

    Good luck, and if you have other questions please keep posting. Feel free to private message me about Conduct Disorder if you like.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I, too, am a grandmother and it is not like in the fairytales. :D

    It is very important to find out from a well qualified expert in childhood behavior what specific problem matches your grandson. The term "conduct disorder" is rarely used for a young child. In fact most experts prefer not to use that label until the late teens or later as it is indicative of a problem that rarely is solved.

    Like the others I would encourage a full neuro/psychological evaluation
    done by an experienced Psychologist. The testing most often is spread over a two or three day period and it really helps point the direction that is needed to help the child.

    Glad you found us. DDD