I am just feeling sad...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Dec 22, 2012.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    difficult child and I got in to it a little bit this morning. It was a small thing, but her reaction is so out there. I bought her new black ankle boots with about a 3 inch heel. The other night, she told me she had fallen down twice while walking to a friends house a block away while wearing those boots. We have had a small snow and some sidewalks are icy. Well, on Saturdays she walks another neighbors dogs. These are huge dogs that weigh close to 100 pounds. She walks them both at the same time. difficult child is probably 110 pounds. I suggested putting on tennis shoes or flat boots before walking the dogs. Nope. Those are fine. I then said, I would really like to keep her boots looking nice and if the dogs stepped on them, it would get the suede dirty and scratched up. Nope. She's fine. I made a smart remark about my common sense being unappreciated... and she stomped off.

    Before she left to walk dogs, I asked her to sit down and listen for a couple of minutes. I tried to explain, that I am her parent now. I am supposed to be "mom". And the way I am "mom" is that I try to keep her safe, because that is the way I show that I care and love her. But no matter what I say or do - she is unwilling to listen and do anything I request. I can't even finish a sentence without being told why she can't do things that I want her to do. I also told her that I am not the type to say "I love you" all the time... but that I show love by making sure she has what she needs, is well taken care of, etc. Her bio mom is the type that says over and over how much she loves her... but doesn't do anything to show she loves her. (I didn't throw that in there) Also, biomom hasn't called for 6+ months and is 1500 miles away now.

    Later, she tells me she wants to hang out with a "friend" which is usually not a problem as her two friends she does hang out with live withing a few blocks. Well, her friend is "Jacob" and she wants me to drop her off at the mall so they can hang out. Well, the mall is about 5 miles away... I suggest the library, which is 8 blocks from our home. No, that isn't good enough. I suggest he come over this evening as our neighborhood does the luminaries (candles in paper sacks) plus there are free horse drawn wagon rides, carolers, etc. Plus, she is supposed to sing in the park with the HS choir. Nope... it would be awkward for him to come to our house. Plus, if a certain girl in the choir saw them hanging out together, she would make life miserable for difficult child. But difficult child and "Jacob" are "just friends" and the girl in choir is not his boy friend. Then she wants to know if she can go to the mall with him if his parents pick her up? They are messaging back and forth on facebook... I ask her if he has offered to have his parents pick her up - no, but she will ask. I ask her why is it OK for you to be with his parents, but he can't be here with yours? I tell her no... Library or Luminaries - but no mall. Later I ask her who asked who to hang out... and she gets real defensive and says she doesn't know... I let her know that checking fb messages would make it clear who asked who if she couldn't remember. So she finally goes to computer and looks at messages and says, just so you know... I mentioned it first, but we were both bored and wanted to do something.

    I am just so tired of trying to parent this child. She can't tell a straight story even when it is something insignificant. Then she gets defensive and takes it out on me. It is getting to the point that I just want to avoid her as I hate being hated. I have been trying to get in with her therapist - maybe I need to see her more than difficult child. I want things to change... difficult child just wants to get what difficult child wants. And it isn't me.

  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I think I should add that this is not a "new" or "teenage" behavior. Ever since we got custody of our two granddaughters she has never wanted to follow husband or I as an authority figure. She has never let me be "the mom"... she will always try to find reasons why my requests shouldn't apply to her. KSM
  3. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member


    Sounds like you are doing a really good job with her.

    i got some really good advice that all I can do is hold the line (with natural consequences) and pick my battles. But mostly to hold the line no matter how hard it is. And not to expect anything back.

    My difficult child#2 never tells a straight story. I get quickly drained having to listen so closely to what he says because there is always some trick or loophole. I force myself, though, or I will get burned.

    Keep doing what you're doing. It is a thankless job but there is no one else to do it for her. My kids are adopted and I tell them that I am not your bio-mom but this is my house and I will follow my conscience and enforce my rules. One of my frequently-used comments is "You make your choice, and then I'll make mine."

    you're doing good. You MUST take care of yourself. I try not to take hurtful, demoralizing remarks personally, and go into robot mode internally.

    My experience has taught me not to show any of my hurt feelings, shock, rage etc etc etc even though I like to be open with my kids -- they perceive this as they are "winning," and then ramp it up even more.

    Avoiding her is not a bad idea once you have got the basics down. I did this for almost thee months with #2. He didn't miss me, nor I him.

    Just my experience.

  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Such a good post. HUGS, It is a long lonely road sometimes. The most valuable thing one can ever do though. We will never be able to measure what would have happened if we had not taken these journeys.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    thanks, Buddy and Barney's mom. It is just so hard... and a little different from regular adoption... I was her grandma and she adored me and I her. Now I can't be the grandma, someone has to be a parent, and the dynamics have all changed. I am now the authority figure, and she hates authority. With her little sis, it is different... I feel like the "mom" and things are so much better with her. I can enjoy spending time with her. But time with difficult child is more stressful than anticipating a root canal. Hope we make it thru the holiday break.

    Right now she wants to "date" and she is only 14 and not a mature 14. She is too embarassed to have a boy stop by the house... or have us around in anyway. easy child (age 12) had a "boyfriend" for a couple weeks earlier in the school year who lives a couple blocks from us, and she was OK with him coming over and playing wii, or hanging out on the block. While difficult child was out of the house last night, easy child related that difficult child likes to "brag" about her friends who are into drugs or in trouble. I know that many of the kids who she knows at school are good kids - she tends to gravitate to the problem ones. I can talk to her til I am blue in the face and she will still try to do what she wants.

    I know I need to tough it out... 3 years, 3 months... then I guess she can do what she wants as long as she is not living here. I really think she has the personality type (and mental issues) that her biomom suffers from... even if not officially diagnosed. We did get the kids off state insurance and on to our BCBS policy, so I am hoping that we won't have the previous issues of getting denials every time tests were wanted to be run. KSM
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending understanding hugs your way. It is hard when the kids seem to hate you. I really like what Barney's Mom had to say.
  7. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    barneysmom, I really needed to read that. Things with my own difficult child are very difficult these days, and I'm having a hard time dealing.

    ksm, I totally feel your pain. My difficult child also resists authority (especially mine) and thinks nothing about lying about anything.

    I wrote more, but I don't want to hijack your thread. I think I'll start one of my own.
  8. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    ksm that sounds like such a heartbreak for you and your granddaughter to have to lost the special relationship you had. It is a huge loss for both of you, and you will both be grieving hard, even as you both try to find out who you are in this new relationship.

    Maybe could you grieve this together, and then set up kind of a "hybrid" relationship together? Where there is still space for you to be grandma. Maybe leave out the word "parent" for awhile. I am wondering if there is a place where the "grandma" part can still survive.

    maybe it would help you and dgd to talk about it together. I don't know, I have no experience with this but it sounds just too painful for her to lose her adored grandma, and you to lose being her adored grandma.

    I wonder if there are support groups on the Internet for this where people have specific advice on parenting grandchildren, since there are many grandparents who have taken on this job, and you wouldn't have to re-invent the wheel.