I am motivated!!

[klmno]

OMG- this feels so good! I used to be the type that had to be accomplishing something all the time- even if it was just house-cleaning. I couldn't stand to waste time- I did count quality time with difficult child as "useful", not a waste. I was that way for about 20 years, LOL! But the past 6 mos I have not been- I'm sure it has been depression and all that goes along with it. difficult child looked at me one day when he was in psychiatric hospital right after being busted and he broke down in tears, looked completely panicked and said "Mom, you just gave up". That was true- but I know that I gave up because I felt he gave up. That doesn't make it right or healthy for him or me, but it's just how I felt. That everything I had done had been a waste and useless and there was no point in doing any more- nothing could make a difference.

Apparently, posting about my "OOT" (LOL!) and just getting others' honest opinions and thinking some about it, made me feel pretty good. I spent yesterday afternoon cutting grass and it must have made those chemicals in the brain kick in- you know, the ones that make you feel better. The weather is beautiful, difficult child can now call me sometimes, I can visit him each weekend (not that I necessarily will go every week for the next year, and I'm actually motivated to start on this list of stuff I need to do. Isn't is funny how the feeling good is just as self-perpetuating as feeling bad?

Anyway, I decided to not make any major decisions that I don't have to until I've been on this roll for a couple of weeks and gotten some things done and feel better- like I've gotten this period of depression behind me. The therapist was NOT making me feel better- sometimes they are just more of a detriment.

Thank you, Ladies- for offering support, advice, general opinions, and just being here. I hate to think how (if) I'd held up if you weren't here. I know I'll still have bad days/moments, but I feel like I've finally reached that turning point. It's not the first time I've been thru this- but it's the first in a VERY long time and it lasted a long time and I had a child involved. There was such a domino effect that left me in a VERY bad place.

Sheeeewwwww.....

 

[Shari]

Congrats. Enjoy your newfound sense of well-being!

 

[gcvmom]

Wow, that sounds wonderful! I think you are wise to wait until you're sure you're truly in a positive groove before you make any big decisions. You're absolutely right about good stuff perpetuating itself just as easily as the bad stuff. I hope you stay in this mode for a looooong time!

 

[trinityroyal]

What a great update. I'm glad to hear you sounding so upbeat and positive.
May it last a good long time.

Trinity

 

[klmno]

Thanks! I'm thinking if I don't try to overdo it and just plan to work on my list 5-6 hours a day, then maybe I won't disappoint myself and go backwards. If I get caught up in a "project" I can always work on it longer, right?

 

[gcvmom]

Absolutely. You're being very sensible about it!

 

[Star*]

Get a piece of paper. On it I want you to write -

I vow I will never again allow myself to be taken advantage of because I am a worthy of the best.

Put it on your mirror - put it on your computer - put it on your dashboard. Put it on your fridge.....

COntinue to write one nice thing about yourself on a piece of paper every day - start a list. Just one thing a day -

Start it

I am -

 

[everywoman]

I can so recall that overwhelming depression. When husband was in the height of his addiction, and his behavior was out of control, difficult child went off the deep end. The easy child's both had major issues going one. My mom was also out of control. I tried to control everything and everybody and when that didn't work I went into a deep depression and simply gave up on everything. The house fell apart. My job suffered. I pulled away from my friends and support. I didn't care. I spend all of my time in "robot" mode and slept what I could of my life away. When difficult child went to rehab the first time, I had a minor heart attack triggered by stress. That's when I changed my life. I know longer try to control everything around me---I know I can't. And I am so enjoying my life.

 

[klmno]

OK, I'm taking a break. I've been getting a little more yardwork done before it rains. Now, I need to let a battery finish charging and rest my arms- I'm out of shape. LOL!

Thanks, Star!

EW- I was always on the other end of that- I was the one that tried to deal with things thru bad habits and my bigger problem was letting others control my life. I had to learn the ways to stop and prevent that so I could/would take control of my own life. Still dysfunctional- just the other side of the problem. I'm working on getting a better grip on that, too.

 

[jbrain]

Hey, it's so nice to hear you are feeling better, KLMNO! You know, when I read your thread about the OOT, or whatever he is, I was thinking, no matter what you did or didn't do, I was so glad you were thinking about something besides difficult child!

Keep us posted about everything! Have a great weekend!

Jane

 

[klmno]

LOL, Jane!

Weell, the daily allowance of yardwork is done. I have a couple of things inside to do and hope to make it to state income tax. I noticed that one of my reasons for cringing over stuff inside the house- other than general burn-out from years of not taking care of myself- is seeing remnants of difficult child's instability. I think that is really getting to me. What's worse is wondering if I'll ever be able to afford to get it repaired. I have several doors that need replacing, for one.

 

[DammitJanet]

You did all that and I feel like I accomplished so much because I planted six plants...lol. If you run out of work you can come clean up my place.

 

[klmno]

Janet- I would much rather be planting plants- if I hadn't gotten some weeds out of the way, people might not have been able to make it to the fron t door. LOL! My allergies are really acting up now- TG I went ahead and got my medications, even though insurance wouldn't cover it. They are always really bad the first few mos of yardwork- pollen is everywhere and I need to spray the porch off now.

I'm aggravated now- difficult child can't determine ahead of time if he can call for sure because it depends on what is going on with staff requirements. That means I stay in the house near the phone for 2 darn hours waiting to see. This could get old. I guess after a while of being able to communicate with him more often, it won't seem like such a big deal- if I'm not at home, he can just try again the next day. Right now, we are still trying to get over 5 weeks of no contact other than letters and adjusting to life to come for the next year. That darn 3 min recording they have at the beginning of each call is going to get old, too. Well, I'll adjust- think positive...think positive....think positive...... (grunt)