I am new here...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jan, Jan 17, 2008.

  1. Jan

    Jan New Member

    I have son who was diagnosed with ADHD in 2004 at the age of 7 years old by a clinical psychologist that specializes in ADHD/ADD. And the world wind was just getting started. After the diagnosis, I took my son to his peditrician and he was placed on medication to control his ADHD symptoms, and he met with a counselor about once a month to talk about his frustrations. I then went to the school and communicated the diagnosis and gave them some litature on ADHD and what works well with Ryan as far as behavior modifications...and they just looked at me like with no interest at what i was providing nor recommending with a look of..."oh no another student with ADHD, here we go". After a year of his diagnosis my son was aslo diagnosed with Tic disorder and ODD. After about a 1-1/2 of the constant phone calls from the school about my sons behavior, in class disruptions, and continuing to be defiant, i was just about to pull my hair out. Any time I tried to have the couselor or teachers put a behavior plan in place for him with accomodation and modifications, it was always...I don't have time, we don't have the resources..etc..

    So after a continued battle with the public school system at the age of 12 years they finally assess my son for eligibility criteria under IDEA and Section 504 and he was eligible for IDEA...but this was too late, my son was already so frustrated with the school and his teachers, had low self-esteem, other children had already made fun of him in his past and current classes, the teachers would isolate him...he was a beaten teenager, and i was a beaten mom.
    My son is now 13 years old, and has been so angry and frustrated with school, that his behavior has turned agressive so to the point of wanting to harm others, so I had him placed in an Adolescent Treatment Center for help, but this is only a short term treatment center, (3-7 days). He has been there for 8 days, and due to him still threatening to hurt others they have not discharged him, but have placed him on emergency release to a Residential Treatment Center.
    I feel like I have failed as a mother...
  2. Lostparent

    Lostparent New Member

    You have not failed as a mother! If you stood by and did nothing,then you have failed.There is no known answer as each child is an individual and will handle every situation differently.Have you tried family therapy?This will allow you to know exactly what is wrong with him and what he is lacking.If he does counseling by himself the doctors are not allowed to tell you what he said,only give you adviced based on it.Have you considered homeschooling him so he could get caught up?This might help boost his self esteem.
    Just remember that as long as you keep trying to help you have not failed as a mother!Good luck and keep us up to date.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You didn't fail, but he could well have a lot more going on than just ADHD. Hopefully, this visit will uncover other possible problelms.
  4. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    i havent been posting here long...but welcome..i've already found this place a nice place to ask questions or just vent. my son was also diagnosed with adhd and later with odd and a mood disorder.
    i know what u mean about the schools ...i understand your frustrations. i think most of the schools are still stuck in the dark ages...that instead of believing your child has problems "they just believe your child needs a good paddling"
    in my case my son had the bad fortune of having to attend the same school where me and his bio dad went to school "and lets just say he didn't leave behind good memories of him with the teachers"(alot of the same teachers are still there ugh)
    and when my son had to be picked up due to some infraction or other i always got that look "just like his dad" :grrr:
    he also had to deal with the getting picked on and such.once two boys took turns hitting him the head with a football and he took up for himself...needless to say since he was "the bad kid" the other boys didnt get into trouble. even after i showed the principle and the teacher the bumps in his head.
    i think i could've spit nails that day.
    i took him out of that school and put him in another (since we had the good fortune to live right on the school line of both schools)and i felt so bad when i got the dreaded firt call from the school"my first thought was oh lord now what"and to my suprise it was his teacher calling to tell me what a pleasure it was to have him and how good he was doing",i broke down in tears that day ...in shame for thinking hed done gotten into trouble again and also in happiness
    but then he got sent to the hospital so his reg doctor put him on homebound last week
    so maybe that could be an option for ur son
    and i know all to well the beaten down feeling ,i struggle with that every day...all u can do is ur best
    i had suchb high hopes for all of my children and ive learned to lower my expectations of them now ive learned to live with the way they are (on most days)and decided i will not have failed as long as they grow up to be happy adults and know that i loved them and did everything i could
    so dont give up and just keep fighting for his rights :warrior:
  5. looking4hope

    looking4hope New Member

    As an educator, and the parent of a difficult child diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and Mood Disorder not otherwise specified, I can tell you that the schools DO NOT want you to ask for an IEP, or for accomodations under IDEA (which is a federal law). Although the school district gets $$ from the feds to provide the services your child needed at an earlier age, it's not enough to pay for all the costs.

    My son is going to start a new school on Tuesday. It's a non-public school for kids with severe behavior problems. It also has a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) component, although a child has to be at least 12 before they qualify. Anyway, it has a day treatment program with an on-site psychiatrist, therapists, behavior specialists, Special Education teachers with training in dealing with these types of kids. The school district is footing the bill because his IEP requires this kind of environment. Hopefully he'll never need the RFT component; the goal is to correct the behavior early enough to it isn't necessary.

    I am so sorry to hear about your child, and how the schools failed you. But it isn't too late. There are programs available to him; you just have to keep looking and pushing. Maybe a school with an animal husbandry or agriculture program might work for him. Look around for Special Education advocates who can help you, and know how to be a thorn in your school district's side. There is still help and hope.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hello and welcome to the board. :flower:

    You have NOT failed. Now repeat that as many times as necessary until you convince yourself.

    Schools do NOT like it when you request an IEP or anything else. At least the majority don't seem to. I know they sure weren't jumping thru hoops with my son. But if you push hard enough with the right info, then they usually wind up cooperating.

    BUT there are things you can do to help turn this around. And the parents here are great with helpful advice and wisdom.

    You might want to look over in the Special Education forum too.

    While your son is in the treatment center try to get him a full evaluation. Sound like you may have more going on than just the ADHD. (if nothing else then maybe depression from school letting him down)

    If treatment center doesn't want to do it...(time) You can always have it done yourself.

  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Please don't think you have failed :nonono:. It sounds to me like you have been fighting and working for your son for years!

    He is where he is because of his diagnosis not because of you. He is where he is so he can get the help he needs to move forward. If homeschooling for a while is an option for you, I would think about it.

    You now have something you didn't have before - you have the power and support of us behind you :warrior:

    Be easier on yourself - we parents of difficult children get enough blame and hits from others.

    Glad you found your way here.

  8. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Welcome to our forum--I'm glad you found us. You'll find plenty of understanding here, and parents who have walked in your shoes.

  9. SaraT

    SaraT New Member


    Welcome. This is a good place for information, and has many caring people who have been where you are. Venting is accepted and most of us have done it.

    You have NOT failed. I have been where you are and felt as you do. My difficult child(gift from God) also has ADHD, Mood Disorder not otherwise specified, but also is Aspergers. I know exactly how you feel. You think you haven't been a good parent, but you really HAVE been because you have tried to get help. The school is who has failed.

    I know all about schools not wanting to give services. I had to write a letter to the state special education department because the school didn't want to qualify, or even test, my difficult child. Schools just don't want to put in the time or money to help our kids.(in my humble opinion)

    Just know you are not alone.
  10. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Welcome, and yes, like everyone else says you did NOT fail - the school did. My difficult child is 13 and went through the same exact thing. She started cutting herself and was VERY depressed. I now have her home with me (I know homeschooling is not always an option)but it has made a world of difference. Just not having to sit by the phone and waiting from a call from her crying or the school yelling has relieved a world of stress for both of us! Is there another school option if homeschooling is not an option? Keep fighting, don't give up. At least you have found a great place to vent! we've all been there - you are among those that truly understand what it is you're going through. (((hugs)))
  11. Jan

    Jan New Member

    Thank you to everyone for your support. It is hard sometimes to see if I am making a dent in anything when it comes to getting the help my son needs.

    Today is his 10th day in the hospital...he seems to be doing better when I spoke to him on the phone lastnight. They have him on Depakote, Adderall XR, Abilify, and Ambien.

    I am battling with my employer not wanting me to take care of my son, I have asked for FMLA but have not seen any of the paperwork nor a phone call from HR. I really need to find another job, but when do I find the time, and right now I have bags under my eyes, or puffy eyes from crying so much, that a new employer may think I am loosing my mind.
    I am also battling with my insurance company, they are denying coverage and Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement. I have an awful feeling that I am going to loose my job and be on the corner somewhere asking for food.
    I have been seriously thinking about looking into an attorney for advice, I feel discriminated against from my boss due to my sons disabilities, and also talk to them about the school fitting the bill for my sons Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement since they did not provide the services that was needed for him in the first place, and I have emails from his teachers that state they do not know what else to do for my son. Any advice here...should I even try.
  12. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I have a wonderful friend who owns several residential schools for kids with behavioral disorders. The public school will absolutely give you a hard time, BUT YOU ARE ENTITLED TO GET REIMBURSED! That's the law! If a school is unable to provide proper placement for your difficult child than it is their responsibilty to pay for the alternative - this is the only way my friend gets his students at the residential schools. The last thing the public school wants is to lose the money they get for your difficult child so they will fight you tooth and nail - If you can afford an attorney I believe it's the way to go. There are actually attorneys who specialize in this type of lawsuit. Sometimes when the school sees you have an attorney they change their tune pretty quickly - other times you have to go to court.

    I wish I had better advice about the job. I lost mine for same reason (Had to go up to school with my difficult child almost daily, job said I took too much time off and fired me0 I now get unemployment and am homeschooling my difficult child until my funding runs out in a few months, so we will have to put her into PS again for high school (I"m dredding it!!!). Research your rights! You do actually have some and you should run with them!
  13. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    Hi and welcome! You absolutely have not failed, hon. Raising a difficult child by itself is a challenge. Throw in difficult SD's... it would bring Superwoman to her knees.

    I'd strongly suggest you post in the Special Education 101 forum re: the school issues. I would think that those emails are probably very valuable - I'm not positive but I think schools also have the responsibilty to reconvene IEP team if current IEP isn't working, and it sounds like they didn't do it. Also sounds like they contributed to current situation.

    Funding Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can be a bear. Most insurance companies won't pay. I'd suggest you talk with- social worker at hospital and also check with- some RTCs that are possibilities to find out how they have gotten stays funded. SSI and Medicaid might be an option. Contact your state department of mental health to see if they have any funding available - ask about waivers. It can take a *lot* of phone calls but keep at it. Sometimes we find real gems.

    If by chance you happen to live in IL, PM me because IL has a unique program to fund services for children with mental illness.

    Also, if you have the opportunity to choose the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), there's a list of questions to ask in the General Archives - just a starting list, add your own, but it can be overwhelming trying to think straight when you're smack in the middle of it all.

    Again, welcome!
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    You have not failed as a Mother, you have given all in which you have and still do so.

    You not only took care of him, and managed to keep your job but you also fought the public school system which I'm learning is an absolute nightmare.

    You should be proud of you look what you have accomplished and all on your own.

    I wish you all the best and welcome