The stress is getting to me..........really getting to me. School. All the outside junk with Nichole.....you name it...... School. husband being in my face except when I'm at school and doing absolutely NOTHING 24/7!! School. easy child's heart issues........which at the moment are being watched closely........but she is still working/going to school.....grrr School. My Mom decided to go and have a psychotic break and is calling me mult times a day/week on paranoid tyraids. School. I am not doing well. I don't sleep well. I can't concentrate. My memory is toast. I can't hold onto a fact for more than a couple of minutes. I do try, really hard.......and it's getting me some really odds responses from people. Thanks to the stress and memory issues, my anxiety is beginning to skyrocket.......which of course just makes it all that much worse. I can do this. I can learn this. But not at the speed of light.....and not by being my own freakin teacher!!! I'm starting to make a fool of myself. At times it's becoming humiliating. At times I wonder if I'm losing my mind. I'm certainly losing my memory. I worked the ER today......thank goodness it was slow. Went to give a shot.....didn't recognize the syringe.....didn't know what the heck to do with it.....was one I've never seen.....but after a few moments of wishing to crawl into a hole......I gave the shot fine. But I could not have done it without the nurse standing right there. I'm getting scared. Really I am. We're coming down to the wire. And now all this stuff is supposed to click and all come together. So you get put into situations and you're supposed to figure it out.......and should be able to figure it out.......only I'm lost, it doesn't come. It's there.....somewhere.......it just won't come when I need it to. You're supposed to think, think, think, you know boom boom boom. I used to be able to do that. Before the brain injury. My brain will not cooperate, no matter how hard I try, how much I study........it can't pop it out like that. All the old knowledge is there. Most of the year was a refresher is all......and I have not much issues with those things.....some, but not enough to send me into panic mode. It's the new stuff.......of course the medications......huge issues still there and worse this quarter....... People, I can't remember to put on GLOVES!!! C'mon! How hard is that?? But every stinking time I go to do something on my own......no gloves. Never. And I don't realize it until someone calls my attention to it. Why?? Cuz 30 yrs ago we didn't use gloves everytime we touched a patient. I am NOT quitting. But I'm right on the line of failing pharm. I'll have to pull something amazing on the final.......and I don't know if I have it in me. And it's not just pharm, there are issues in clinicals too........nope haven't hurt anyone.....but other issues and if I can't get past them.....seriously, I don't know how I'll work. Cuz my brain just will not work that fast. My brain is NOT handling the stress load. It's shutting down instead. I can't use medications to see if they'll help........cuz I already know I can't think like I need to think on them. Honestly.........part of me just wants to run away. From everything. All of it. K, easy child, husband, school.......of course I can run away from the brain/memory thing......... Clinical instructor went to do math with us last week. We'd asked her to. Yeah.........went away from that feeling stupid. She went so fast, way darn fast.....although no one else was having trouble.......and I couldn't follow, couldn't even keep up with the question she was on.....it was a disaster. And we're making up clinical days afterall thanks to the DON. So sat I go to clinical when I should be studying for finals. Next week I go to clinicals when I should be studying for finals. Because their stupid instructor couldn't show up when she was supposed to!!!!! I am soooooooooooooooo fed up with this program. Bad enough you're stuck teaching yourself the hardest subjects......but they can't seem to get their act together on anything! One person says one thing.....and another changes it to something else. I'm lucky right now to know if I'm coming or going. Oh........and my health is in the toilet. My b/p keeps shooting up cuz I keep retaining vast amounts of fluids. So I try to watch my fluids........and well yeah, that doesn't work either. So it will be ok for a while, then whoosh it's up to 180/110........then I fight to get it back down.....only to have it do it again. Stress I'm sure is another major factor. Sad when I just keep thinking if they would just slow down some.....maybe I could get it. But nope, they're speeding up....and I'm not keeping up. I don't like TBIs, thankyouverymuch. Yes, I know I have one. But to the rest of the world I'm smart one minute and a stark raving idiot the next. I'm sick of trying to explain it. I'm sick of people, including my family not getting it. I so totally don't care if they get it. I CAN'T HELP IT!!! It's not like I WANT my brain to shut off when I need it to work. It's not like I want it to reverse numbers/letters/words/meanings...aw h*ll you name it. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. And I don't know what to do with it. I'm vicious to husband and Travis if they so much as come near me and I'm even thinking about school. They will have to flunk me out. But at the rate I'm going right now, that may be a very huge possibility next week. But right now I just keep putting on foot in front of the other cuz I just don't know what else to do.