I am paralyzed with fear

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Barry, Nov 7, 2017.

  1. Lou lou

    Lou lou New Member

    I have nothing left to give.
    My daughter went off to college right after high school and immediately decided she was free and she could party and live a fun crazy life. Even though we did not have the money, she refused to get a job while attending school declaring that it was too difficult for her to do both. When out partying one evening, something happened to her that was devastating, Although we got her help, she would not follow through with any of the programs or help that was offered to her. She continued to party and ask me for money on a regular basis. I just wanted her to get through school and get the help she needed so I always sent what I could. Actually, I borrowed money so I could send it to her. In her last year she would tell me school was fine, but she really had quit and not let me know. She had 85.00 left and sent it to a guy she met online so he could move in the apt with her that was being paid for by a loan that I had taken out for her education. Then she proceeded to call me everyday for money for them both. After a while she called me crying asking if they both could move in with me for a while just to get on there feet. I let them. I even went and picked them up and helped them move. My daughter got frustrated with me when I mentioned jobs, but she got a part time one almost immediately. But, she didn’t get one close by. She gota job that would cost me money and time dropping her off and picking her up. Her boyfriend never did anything! When they decided, with her second paycheck, that they were going to go on a “vacation “ to visit his family I told her she is supposed to be trying to save money not go on a vacation. Also, it had been quite a while and it was obvious that her boyfriend never plans on doing anything but mooching off people for a living. I told her she can come back but I am not supporting her boyfriend anymore. She got mad and said, “if he goes, I go” I told her that was up to her. So they moved to Florida and continued to call for money everyday. My daughter once again got a part time job and he did nothing. Even though she got a job she would call in on any occasion that she didn’t feel like going because they got into a fight. She started calling me saying he is abusive and she needs to come home. I have sent money for tickets for her which she never followed through. She would always say she loves him, can’t leave him.... I have spent hours, days, weeks on trying to get her out of this situation, but she always goes back to him. She is now pregnant with his child. He is a grown man who never works, and she feels it is my responsibility to take care of them all. I still pay for her phone and I am paying for one of her school loans. I recently found myself in a situation where I am staying with a friend and don’t even have a home for my daughter to move into. She is angry with me because she says they are now homeless and I don’t have a place for them and I don’t care. I love my daughter very much I just truly have nothing left and I am in dept. she also threatens that because I don’t (or can’t) give her what she wants I will never be in my grandchild’s life.
    It breaks my heart to think of her and my grandchild being homeless.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nobody needs to be homeless. You know this, right? Daughter can and should work FULL TIME. You did not sign up to support her, a baby AND boyfriend once she is an adult. Thats insane. Why let her futther bankrupt you? Why is she so demanding and entitled and why give her money at all at an age when 99% of young adults are trying hard to be mature and work without Mom? Some are serving our country!

    Clearly it is not making her a strong, stable person when you keep supporting her. She even got pregnant and expects you to take that on too. That may be WHY she got pregnant.

    She isnt very nice. Yes, i know you love her, but she needs you to tell her you cant support her another day and that she needs to grow up and stop blackmailing you about grandchild. If you ever feel she is unfit once she has baby, for the babys sake you must call CPS and try to save the baby. Your daughter is too old with too bad an attitude for you to save. Why do you feel you have to? She is not ten years old and she is horrible to you and makes terrible choices about her adult life which are not your fault? Why feel badly that you cant give her more money when she already blew all your money?

    in my opinion it would help you greatly to do two.things and both are for yourself, not her. You are as important as she is and trying to support her whole team is killing your nerves and keeping daughter in a very bad place.

    First buy the book.Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and memorize each page...the message. You are severely codependent. Secondly, and most important, go to your sliding scale, low cost county mental health center and get weekly help for YOU so that you can break this destructive cycle and stop letting daughter so badly abuse you. That is exactly what she is doing, like an abusive spouse. No difference. There are shelters, food pantries, food cards, welfare and Medicaid if she wont work and insists on staying with the boyfriend who wont work. Unless drugs are involved, she can sleep at shelters. If she uses drugs, she needs to decide to go to a rehab. Or not. Her call. Many of our adult kids who are abusive and wont grow up do these things once The Bank of Mom closes.. Once the baby is born, if you are so inclined, you can call CPS and try to get custody or get baby in warm, stable foster home. Your daughter is not able to raise a baby. You can get kinship foster care payments to raise the baby if daughter is unfit or in a dangerous lifestyle. Or....foster care. She will keep having babies if she benefits from doing so. Does she not have a college degree? What does she do all day if not work? Drugs? Does she smoke eternal pot, the big motivation killer? Drink too much? Maybe do other drugs?

    She is able bodied. She needs to work. If she wont, that is her choice and there are consequences...

    I add Al Anon to places for you to go for support if drugs are another issue.

    Do you have loved ones or friends or a minister for support? Your daughters crazy demands have traumatized you and somehow she is All Powerful and you need to get a realistic and sane look at what is really going on. You need counseling badly so you can start to see your daughter in her true light and to value and love yourself. I gently remind you, your daughter is 21 or 22, not ten and you gave her every tool she needs to grow up. See her as an adult, not a child. The world sees her as a woman. The nonsense of breaking yourself for a college grad woman, daughter or not, is insane.

    Please seek help in the morning.

    Much love and light
     
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    Last edited: Nov 8, 2017
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome Barry

    First I am so happy you found us, sad that you need to be here but glad you are at the same time.

    These are very difficult challenges we face and you are not alone.

    I am reading this book for the second time and it makes me grow and develop positive coping skills that help me and my AS. This is a great place to start.

    Indeed choices have consequences and sometimes they are not pretty ones. This is where I struggled and still struggle. Not to rescue my son. To provide guidance but not resume. His choices his consequences.

    There are many wise people to support you and learn from here.

    Welcome
    :notalone:
     
  4. Lou lou

    Lou lou New Member

    Thank you very much for your info I really appreciate this and you taking the time to read and respond.I will go out and buy this book first thing today. Fortunately, my daughter is not on drugs however her drug is her love for this man that does nothing. I am really happy I found this site.
     
  5. Lou lou

    Lou lou New Member

    Thank you very much for your time and advice. I am greatful that I came across this site. I am going to go out and get this book first thing this morning. Although, I don’t want anyone to feel like this it is helpful to know that I am not alone.
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. I am so sorry you find yourself in the situation you are presently in. You've been thru a tsunami of abusive behavior from your daughter......it is time for you to heal from that.

    Often we codependents hit our own bottom. Often it is when we are completely depleted, exhausted and as you've stated, have nothing left to give. This is the point at which many of us seek help.

    I hit that bottom too. I put myself in the hands of therapists in a 2 year course on codependency thru my HMO. It saved my life. I learned that I MATTER. I learned that my enabling was harming both myself and my daughter. I learned to set strong boundaries, to say NO as a complete sentence, to refrain from responding and in that open space, allowing my daughter to make her own choices separate from me. I had to walk thru that devastating fear of thinking 'if I don't help, she will....die......be homeless.....starve to death.....that something awful will happen and it will be MY fault for not helping her.' That fear was tremendous and debilitating.....but I lived thru it and I learned that no one died.....and it wasn't my fault or my responsibility. That fear you speak of is what keeps us stuck on the hamster wheel of our kids horrible behaviors and it is what they often utilize to manipulate us to keep us there.

    My suggestion to you is to seek help for yourself. If you believe your daughter has any form of mental illness, contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness, you can access them online, their parent courses are extremely helpful to us and offer much guidance, information and resources. It is free.

    You can find therapists who offer sliding scale on the psychology today website or at good therapy.org. Or you can contact your local mental health organization. Or ask around in your network of friends if they know of a good therapist.

    I remember vividly feeling the way you feel, I have much empathy of you. At this point, you must take care of YOU. You must put yourself as the priority and find a support system. You've lost your sense of self, your own sense of well being and autonomy.......it's time to regain that and build yourself back up so that you can find the peace, the joy and the love that you deserve. It is a process and it takes time and support......but it is doable. You can do this. One small step at a time. Just for today, do something nourishing, nurturing and kind for yourself and every day build on that. As you do, your strength will return and you will begin to feel better. And, that fear will subside as you learn to enact boundaries and take care of yourself.

    You cannot control this situation with your enabling. You didn't cause it. You are powerless to change it or fix it. All you can do is learn different ways of responding and to take care of yourself.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

    Hang in there. You're not alone. We all know how you feel. We'll circle the wagons around you as you heal. Keep posting, it helps a lot. Take care of YOU now. I'm glad you're here.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 8, 2017
  7. CARP_ENOUGH

    CARP_ENOUGH New Member

    Welcome Barry. I am very new also to this forum only 24 hours and I can clearly see you are being devastated financially by your ungrateful daughter just like my son did to me..it's heartbreaking but if you want to live a lovely rest of your life. You have to cut her OFF totally and DO NOT feel guilty about her using your grandchild as coercive efforts for you to give her your cash. You deserve a beautiful future. This is not RIGHT! Your daughter needs to work or get her boyfriend to start helping out. It's not your job any more! Stay tough , it will take us time as I'm still trying to do this myself with my son, he's drained my emotions, my physche, my bank account. I felt powerless against this guilt. This forum and therapy is helping greatly. I'm OVER being exhtorted by our very children whom we gave them life? REALLY??? What are they going to do next, try to sue us parents for giving them life too?
     
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  8. Lou lou

    Lou lou New Member

    Thank you so much for responding to my post it is very helpful. I do wonder what she will do next.
     
  9. Lou lou

    Lou lou New Member

    Thank you so much!!! It’s funny how one can feel so alone in a situation. I am happy that I found this forum. I really appreciate what you said and your advice. There must be many of us, you described what was going with me perfectly. I have lost sense of myself, I look forward to getting better at taking care of myself. Truly Greatful.
     
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    This is so sad.
    You've already gotten good advice.
    Please look for meetings like Families Anonymous or Alanon.
    Protect your job at all costs.
    She is making horrible decisions. And you simply can not afford to support them.
    It's probably a touchy subject, but unless a miracle happens in the next few months, she might want to consider putting the baby up for adoption.
    I would keep information re shelters in case you need to give it to her. Perhaps get her some basic info on applying for Food Stamps.
    Strengthen your own personal situation (job, housing, etc) and consider limiting your interaction with her.
     
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  11. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Barry, I have a daughter that is giving me about as much grief as your daughter is giving you. I am so sorry and I know all the feelings you are feeling. I have no advice as I am trying to dig myself out of another hole, I am feeling like an idiot because I should know better, I had let my guard down thinking she could pull it all together and she managed to suck me back into that deep hole. I know how hard it is to detatch. I know your road and it is might hard.
     
  12. Lou lou

    Lou lou New Member

    Thank you very much for sharing your experience and your support. I feel fortunate to have found this forum. I appreciate all the advice and I did do something good for myself today. Thank you, like you said, “one small step at a time”
     
  13. Lou lou

    Lou lou New Member

    Hello new start, like you I have no advice to give because I am in the middle of it now. I do appreciate your comments. Although, I don’t wish this on anyone it is good to know that I am not alone. Thank you and I am sorry you are going through this.
     
  14. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Hello Barry
    I am also following along. You have received much guidance and wisdom in the responses above. If you have not already read the Article on Detachment at the top of this forum, it is a good place to start. Read it many times and keep it handy. Here is the link to it >> Article on Detachment

    Read the other threads and postings on this forum also, and you will see many folks in your situation ~ who truly understand. It is comforting to know you are not alone. This is a safe place, and there is much guidance, wisdom and caring here. When I first came here, my health was suffering from all the pain and grief of my difficult child, and I often think this site saved me in some way. I am glad you found us.