I am really ANGRY Now!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gwenny, Mar 1, 2009.

  1. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    My husband contacted his ex-wife to fill her in on what's going on with difficult child, although she has never told husband anything that went on with difficult child when he was with her. husband was on a need to know basis.

    So husband asked her if difficult child ever asaulted her and she stated he punched her in her back, and has pushed her several times. He asked about the dog and the ex said that he would bite the dog to the point that the dog would scream in pain. She said that the dog would see difficult child coming and it would run to her for protection as he would "terrorize"the poor dog. She said he would bite the dog right in front of her and she is only (5"2) and about 100 pounds and difficult child is 5"9 and 190 pounds--she would jump on difficult child to get him off the dog.

    husband asked if he ever started fires and she said he had started 2 fires in the house and several fires in the yard where she had received complaints about this. She also stated that he had gone into a neighbors yard and hid under the tarp where he stored a tractor and left some of his personal belongings. She said that the man found out and called the police and they lectured difficult child.

    She also said that his counselor stated that difficult child has a very dark side to him. She said he would take knives and throw them into the walls.
    The counselor and hospital told her he was on the road to Antisocial peronality disorder.

    Why did she feel that any of this information was not important to share. I am really scared of this kid and now knowing he assaulted both parents and sibling why wouldnt he attack me? especially that I am the person he hates.. husband couldnt believe what she was telling him now after all we have been through.

    I am just really angry to learn this after 5 months.. I am now even more convinced that he cannot live here with us. Absoultey NO WAY.. I will not stand for him coming home.

  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Denial, anger at ex....who the heck knows why a mom would sit on this type of information; keep it from dad. It's beyond me & in my humble opinion sets up anyone who may be dealing with your difficult child up to fail.

    I'm so glad that difficult child is getting some help now & keeping fingers crossed something sinks in now. I agree, these behaviors are scary & very out there.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I can understand your fear. I'm sorry that I cannot rememver the full background story, but perhaps she didn't say anything because you two wouldn't take him if you know? Again, I don't remember the details of his move-in with you so that theory may not fly.

    You must, above all else, protect yourself and your loved ones. If that means he's out, he's out. You husband sounds like a realist - I'm sure he will ultimately see the need. And your stepgfg may greatly benefit from a residential facility where he can be analysed, evaluated, attend therapy, and medications looked at.

    Stay safe.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are three symptoms that signal a psychopathic or budding psychopathic child--we had one so we were told:
    1/peeing and pooping all over
    2/starting fires
    3/cruelty to animals
    Also, these are symtpoms of kids who may have been sexually abused, but, at the same time, are heading toward becoming a psychopath. I would try to get help for him, but not in my house. He could be dangerous to people--often kids start on animals and end with people. We adopted an 11 year old who was too far gone for any family. We tried, we loved him, he put on a good act. But we found out later that he did all three red flag behaviors (he blamed them on the other kids and he behaved so well to our faces that we didn't know WHAT to think). Later we found out he had sexually abused our two younger kids and killed at least three of our animals--two dogs and a cat. We had thought we had dangerous neighbors killing our animals out of spite because they didn't like us--plus, at the time, daughter was hanging with a bad crowd and we thought it was could be her druggie friends killing our pets too. But we figured it out. Once we found out about the sexual abuse he was out never to return. Please be careful. This child is doing some very dangerous things. I would not allow him in my house, especially since you have another child. Not saying he's as sick as the child WE had...but he IS extremely disturbed. (((Hugs)))
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I do not know why difficult child's mother didn't tell you about all his troubling behaviors other than fear that you would either not take him or not believe her. I'm sure she was at her wits end frightened and frustrated. Maybe she honestly believed that a change of living arrangements was all difficult child needed. Parents do grasp at straws when things are going so very wrong with their kid. I am glad that she was finally honest about his behaviors and that your husband now has a very clear picture. Some kids are too broken to live at home. I think you are correct in that you need to protect yourself and your children from difficult child. Is there a family history of mental illness? If not, I do think that abuse needs to be ruled out. Also those behaviors are sometimes seen in AS kids. But investigating and DXing is better left to a professional. Right now Residential Treatment Center (RTC) does seem the way to go. -RM
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi Donna--

    I would not be too quick to judge the ex harshly...

    Like many of us, she may have been stressed, out of ideas, and just plain feeling stupid and helpless as a parent. She may have blamed herself for all of difficult child's behaviors and rationalized the reasons he may have done them. {As in Well, I know he was angry because I grounded him...so that's why he punched me. I'm sure he didn't mean it, He was just upset...etc etc etc} And she may have just plain been too embarassed to admit all of her failings and was hopeful that her son only needed a different environment with a "stricter" authority figure, such as his Dad.

    Perhaps if you, husband and the Ex could work on contributing to a Parent Report together...so you have more material to use when requesting an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or other placement for him?

    Difficult, I know...but perhaps well worth the effort?

  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    My husband's ex kept doing this to the point of putting the kids on medications and having the schools dose them. Wow, we could have inadvertently killed the children with a drug interaction we knew nothing about!

    Sometimes the biomoms just have a lot of hate and anger inside (possibly justified if she couldn't handle your difficult child), and since they are misearble they want everyone else to be, as well.

    My difficult child just figured this out on her own. WHAT A RELIEF! However I agree with the many people posting before me - safety ofthe others in the house is paramount.

    Does your husband have custody or is it shared parenting?
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Donna, I'm guessing she just threw out the baby with-the bathwater, and wasn't on the best terms with-her ex, so she couldn't wait to close the door.
    At least you are more than validated in regard to not wanting your stepson home.
    Take care.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Well on one hand I can't say I blame her. I was married to a psychopath and have been told on several occasions that there was a higher than normal risk that without hospitalization, therapy and continued supports in place we could die in our sleep. No joke. I put a lock on the door at the tdocs insistance. When asked by the agency - "What do you think of his progress living at home?" the therapist commented "I would not spend one night in that home."

    Dude has come a LONG way from those dark days. His bio-father has not. The man is scary and a natural born killer with absolutely no remorse for anything he does. None. To a point - this was our Dude. He was abusive to death of animals, he was a pyromaniac, he had encopreses and urinated everywhere, he was beligerant, he was the kid that did not get even after blisters and nearly loosing a hand - DO NOT TOUCH THE STOVE WHEN HOT. He had a temper, he beat up kids at school, he kicked holes in everything, tore up everything and tried to hurt other kids in daycare hence we're blacklisted from every day care in the area. I could go on and on - but.....my point is - THERE IS HOPE.

    You have a kid that is BLOODY BLOODY angry. I mean every day, every minute of the day angry and yes, he could hurt someone fatally - this is not a doubt in my mind after living with Dude. We took EXTREME precautions in our home. And I mean - HOSPITAL TYPE - BARE NAKED NOTHINGNESS precautions. We put bells on doors, and locks on every door. We put our guns at a friends, and locked up our knives, sharp objects, baseball bats, we got rid of any glass bottles, staplers, letter openers....ALL PILLS were locked up. ALL CLEANING CHEMICALS and any kind of poisons (bug spray, off, anything) locked up.
    =Dude thanked us by removing the entire LOCK with a friends flat bar screwdriver and getting what he wanted out of the shed. This led to us putting deadbolts on mostly everything with keys and then when he found the keys ? Combination locks.

    We took all our family pictures with glass in the frames and packed them away - any matches, lighters, bbq stuff - even the lighter fluid -car stuff - like power steering fluid and brake fluid - ANYTHING _ and I MEAN MY HOUSE was BARE.

    I made old mother hubbard look like martha Stewarts home.

    We got ALL OF US into counseling - you live like this and then tell me you don't need counseling - you're lying to yourself. We all went. Then we got Dude placed out of our home. It took forever to see the dogs walk upright. without slinking. It took ME forever to not jolt or startle at the littlest noise. It took me forever to unlock my bedroom door to sleep. I even put a butter tub of christmas balls on top the door knob in case he tried my door at night and all the dogs slept with me.

    As far as the counselor saying to the x - "He has a dark side?" I think that was THEATRICS....I can't tell you how many times Dude was seen by people - psychiatrists and the like and not one ever referred to him as Darth Vader - they said he was troubled, and needed a lifetime of help.

    So - at this point he's still young......there is still hope. It's a lifetime commitment to therapy - Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, group homes, learning how to set boundaries and keep them....and if you don't want that? Get out. That's the exact advice our therapist told to my DF (dear fiance) - when Dude was 10. If you can deal? Stay, but know that it's going to be a long long road for all of you and what this kid needs most is boundaries, stability, consistency and love mixed with patience. There is a yo-yo effect that goes on with kids in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - and I think that is more taxing somedays than their disorders. They go - the house calms down, you see them there? They are doing better with the restrictions and schedules that NO PARENT could keep up at home, then they seem a little more stable and WHAM - they come back home and sometimes you have little less than 3 days to prepare EVERYONE in our house (the dogs, DF, ME, the neighbors) and the school, the busdriver, and it's literally like someone pulls a rug out from under you and says HA AHA....hope you land on your feet.

    The real treat comes when they turn 18 and you're no longer responsible for them and despite ALL your efforts you see little to no improvement. THE BEST thing that happens is when this child that you were sure would become the next serial killer comes to you with a flower and says - I'm really trying Mom, I'm sorry I ever said I hate you - I don't. Then little by little you move away and they grow up to be decent people...

    I'm sorry to be so blunt but it is what it is. Since my son already HAD a genetic strike and predisposition to be anti-social or psycho or sociopathic and I'm not seeing any of those traits 9 years of therapy and sacrifice? I really feel better about telling someone else that there IS hope - but it takes a lot of work. You just have to ask yourself - Is this kid - worth it?

    Hugs - Our lives are never easy - but we have lots of support.
  10. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Thank you all for your wonderful support and advise. Well husband spoke to his ex again today to ask about the pee and poop problem we have had with him. When he got here I would find poop all over the seat and the bowl.(disgusting) I had to change it several times and he just keeps doing it. So she said he did that as well as smearing the poop on the walls and vanity.

    So now I will fast forward to tonight. We went to the hospital to sign some papers and husband could see difficult child. Well I went in and I am just still so angry with him and am having a huge problem getting over it. Maybe thats because once again he started bashing me, Donna did this donna did that donna donnna donna.. Omg I want to change my name. Well I got up and excused myself said I was going to the ladies room and went outside and had a cigarette.

    Today I found several journals on looseleaf papers and they just vented on what a Witch I was and even made the reference that he was not going to call his father dad anymore and refers to him as his name..hmmm

    We have an appointment on Saturday at 10am to meet the therapist. Hope she is not an idot like at the last hospital.

    difficult child is not having a good time at all (he loves going there he says) this time he is having a huge problem with this place. He had a problem with another boy in his unit. difficult child said he call him a not so nice word for gay and some racial slurs as well, also he threw a pencil at him. difficult child said he went nuts on the kid, by cursing and intimidation as usual. (well at least hes not moonlighting here) I don't know how they dealt with that issue. But difficult child asked to come home and husband said he was sorry but he cant at this point we cant educate you, you cant go to school so we are waiting to see what the dr's and therapists recommend for him. He said he does not want to live in a group home or Residential Treatment Center (RTC)..(how did he know that we thinking about that).

    So they changed his medications to depokote 250mg and lexapro for depression. The dr told husband that the medications difficult child was on was clearly not working. Let's keep our fingers crossed. He does look exhausted and very very dopey looking. I dont know if thats the medications or he's not sleeping, this is something that husband and I will keep an eye on.

    So I have to say I am not feeling bad, to be honest I'm just sick and tired of the roller coaster. Again tonight easy child had to eat dinner by himself when we went to the hospital that is almost 3 hours from our home.

    Well that is all I have for now.
  11. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    I got the Explosive child book today at the library finally back in.. There was a whole bunch of stick it notes in there on various pages.. Must have been a kid who was reading it as the stickys said yeah right I'm explosive, return this to the library now, Yeah right, what do they know...lol I thought this was quite funny.

    I read 1st chapter and will continue tonight and hope I can some of this to help us.