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Failure to Thrive
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<blockquote data-quote="tpowell2" data-source="post: 761225" data-attributes="member: 28586"><p>Thank you all. When he was 19 he had a girlfriend who was diagnosed with ADD and was prescribed and took medication. He told me later that he used her medication and it made him feel better. ADD medications can act like speed if you don’t have ADD and I think that is the “feeling better” part he thought he was feeling. </p><p></p><p>To clarify, at 19 my son told me he thought he had ADD and he thought this because he didn’t finish high school and when he took his girlfriend’s medication it made him feel better. I told him we’d never seen signs of ADD and neither had school, counselors or any other family members. I told him that he can’t take medication that is prescribed to someone else and I’m not a professional so I don’t know if he does have ADD or anything else. I told him he would need to see a therapist and have evaluation and I would help him do this. This is when he replied, “too late, you should have done it a long time ago”. It’s the manipulative side of him. Blame me or his dad and then when we give him an option, he shuts it down or doesn’t follow through. </p><p></p><p>He can behave in a depressed manner at times, but it’s situational and it only occurs when he’s experiencing the outcome of poor choices he’s made. </p><p></p><p>My husband, my parents, a therapist I went to and my son’s father have all said boundaries need to be clear and set up with him and he cannot be enabled any longer. I love my son with all my heart, but until he tries to help himself, I have to keep the relationship a bit at a distance. That is the hard part. I tell him I love him, I tell him I believe in him and want only the best for him. I want him to be happy, but in order to achieve that he is going to have to put in the work to get there. He can’t live with me at this point, because he does not show respect in the home or stick to ground rules that are given and initially accepted by him. The last time he stayed here, he showed up with barely any clothes. I took him to get toiletries, clothing and took him to job interviews and found a therapist and took him to appointment. Three days into his stay he wanted to take off a couple days from the job he just started, that I got him, and asked to borrow money until he got his check. I told him I would not give him money and if he took off from this job to go on holiday with a friend, he could not stay here. The premise of him staying with my husband and I was to work and save money so he could find a place of his own. He decided to not go out of town, but told me how “unfair” it was and how he’s never gotten along with me and why did I think that was the case and he’s always always gotten along better with his dad, etc… he does the same thing to his dad as well and just flips the script on him saying he gets along better with me…. He went out with friends one night - stayed over at a friends house, showed up hungover and slept all day. He was supposed to be working on GED, getting his clothes ready for a new part time job the next morning. He was rude all day, played video games and didn’t do any of the things that were expected of him. I turned off WiFi access as I wasn’t going to provide him with WiFi to sit and play video games all day. That made him mad and he stewed I his room the rest of the evening. His “room” is actually my office where I work full time…. The next day, he refused to go to the job he was just starting. I told him if he didn’t go, he could not stay with us any more. He called his dad and resorted to “mom is unfair and I can’t stand her”, etc…. He’s been playing both his parents for many years. His dad told him he needed to grow up and get his life together. He left that day and it killed me. It is really hard to have to distance yourself from your child. </p><p></p><p>I have developed anxiety, that is only related to the relationship with my son. I love my job and have a good family support, I have a good relationship with my husband. My son has been really horrible to my husband at times and it has caused stress in our relationship in the past. My son has been really manipulative with me and because I worry about him so much, it creates stress in my marriage. At times I’m so wrapped up in my worry and anxiety and sadness about my son, that it leaves little for my relationship. My husband feels protective of me as he says it’s hard to see me when I am hurting. My son’s dad said when my son stayed with him, everyone in the house got stressed out because our son wouldn’t respect the house or follow rules the rules he and his wife put in place and it created conflict and stress in their home. </p><p></p><p>If my son would simply get a job, save some money and show some intent to help himself, I would help him if he needed it. I think his dad would as well. He hasn’t done anything to help himself and I know another call or knock on the door is around the corner. It’s hard to say no when he does, but I’m trying to stick to it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tpowell2, post: 761225, member: 28586"] Thank you all. When he was 19 he had a girlfriend who was diagnosed with ADD and was prescribed and took medication. He told me later that he used her medication and it made him feel better. ADD medications can act like speed if you don’t have ADD and I think that is the “feeling better” part he thought he was feeling. To clarify, at 19 my son told me he thought he had ADD and he thought this because he didn’t finish high school and when he took his girlfriend’s medication it made him feel better. I told him we’d never seen signs of ADD and neither had school, counselors or any other family members. I told him that he can’t take medication that is prescribed to someone else and I’m not a professional so I don’t know if he does have ADD or anything else. I told him he would need to see a therapist and have evaluation and I would help him do this. This is when he replied, “too late, you should have done it a long time ago”. It’s the manipulative side of him. Blame me or his dad and then when we give him an option, he shuts it down or doesn’t follow through. He can behave in a depressed manner at times, but it’s situational and it only occurs when he’s experiencing the outcome of poor choices he’s made. My husband, my parents, a therapist I went to and my son’s father have all said boundaries need to be clear and set up with him and he cannot be enabled any longer. I love my son with all my heart, but until he tries to help himself, I have to keep the relationship a bit at a distance. That is the hard part. I tell him I love him, I tell him I believe in him and want only the best for him. I want him to be happy, but in order to achieve that he is going to have to put in the work to get there. He can’t live with me at this point, because he does not show respect in the home or stick to ground rules that are given and initially accepted by him. The last time he stayed here, he showed up with barely any clothes. I took him to get toiletries, clothing and took him to job interviews and found a therapist and took him to appointment. Three days into his stay he wanted to take off a couple days from the job he just started, that I got him, and asked to borrow money until he got his check. I told him I would not give him money and if he took off from this job to go on holiday with a friend, he could not stay here. The premise of him staying with my husband and I was to work and save money so he could find a place of his own. He decided to not go out of town, but told me how “unfair” it was and how he’s never gotten along with me and why did I think that was the case and he’s always always gotten along better with his dad, etc… he does the same thing to his dad as well and just flips the script on him saying he gets along better with me…. He went out with friends one night - stayed over at a friends house, showed up hungover and slept all day. He was supposed to be working on GED, getting his clothes ready for a new part time job the next morning. He was rude all day, played video games and didn’t do any of the things that were expected of him. I turned off WiFi access as I wasn’t going to provide him with WiFi to sit and play video games all day. That made him mad and he stewed I his room the rest of the evening. His “room” is actually my office where I work full time…. The next day, he refused to go to the job he was just starting. I told him if he didn’t go, he could not stay with us any more. He called his dad and resorted to “mom is unfair and I can’t stand her”, etc…. He’s been playing both his parents for many years. His dad told him he needed to grow up and get his life together. He left that day and it killed me. It is really hard to have to distance yourself from your child. I have developed anxiety, that is only related to the relationship with my son. I love my job and have a good family support, I have a good relationship with my husband. My son has been really horrible to my husband at times and it has caused stress in our relationship in the past. My son has been really manipulative with me and because I worry about him so much, it creates stress in my marriage. At times I’m so wrapped up in my worry and anxiety and sadness about my son, that it leaves little for my relationship. My husband feels protective of me as he says it’s hard to see me when I am hurting. My son’s dad said when my son stayed with him, everyone in the house got stressed out because our son wouldn’t respect the house or follow rules the rules he and his wife put in place and it created conflict and stress in their home. If my son would simply get a job, save some money and show some intent to help himself, I would help him if he needed it. I think his dad would as well. He hasn’t done anything to help himself and I know another call or knock on the door is around the corner. It’s hard to say no when he does, but I’m trying to stick to it. [/QUOTE]
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