I am so disappointed!

[Just keep swimming]

Our 24 yo daughter is here visiting with us for the week and we are loving having her here!

Last night, late, she got a phone call from our 19 yo's fiance, bawling her eyes out that my son is cheating on her. After about an hour's conversation, daughter woke me up, very upset.

Son has been with this gal for 2 years now, 1 year of living with her and her 4 yo son from a previous relationship. Things have been rocky, on and off, she is pretty demanding of his time and he is just 19 (almost 20), going to school full time, working nearly full time and volunteer fire fighting.

There are many things I do not care for about his relationship, mostly that the lived together too soon and got engaged so young. The wedding isn't till June of 09.

But, I never, in my wildest dreams, thought my son would cheat on her or any girl. He has always had such high moral standards about things like that, just like his dad and grandpa and great grandpa.

And, I wouldn't normally trust a one sided accusation, but things are starting to add up. He has promised to help his dad move his work to another city, lots of $ offered to him for this which he really needs. He didn't show up or call or return calls to his dad. His attitude when he visits is different, can't put my finger on it, but he is just...miserable, I guess is what it looks like.

I am scared that he is starting to drink and or do drugs again. With his fiance, they did not do that at all. But just one of those mommy gut things that makes me think that he is doing that with the other girl or his "friends" that I don't care for.

I didn't sleep a wink last night, I kept wondering why I was immediately believing his fiance and not my son. She had confronted him last night and he did not admit or deny but said "Whatever" and slammed out of the apartment. His best friend is who confirmed it to K, stating that all the nights that he was supposed to be off work by 8pm, he would call or just not come home till after 2am stating he had to work extra hours. This is VERY difficult to believe as his job is laying people off right and left and he is having a difficult enough time keeping enough hours to pay his bills. Supposedly this girl used to work with him and is someone we know. I don't even want to know who it is!

I am so disappointed in my son, if this is the truth. I HATE saying that, he is such a good soul, such a loving person. I don't even know how to talk to him about this. K wants me to talk with both of them together, she and I have a wonderful relationship, she has a horrible relationship with her own mom.

The other part of this soap opera is that K is the niece of our 24yo daughter's fiance. So, we will be thrown together with this family forever. K and our daughter are also best friends, making it even more weird and uncomfortable.

Part of me just wants to put my head in the sand and let them deal with it and not get involved at all and the other wants to take my son by the ears and box them a good one!

We are having enough issues with Aly right now that I really don't need to be dealing with this (will post another thread over in General a bit later). I am exhausted, out of coffee and feeling so very sad that I am disappointed in my son!!

:thumbsdown:
Vickie

 

[meowbunny]

It really sounds like your son has figured out he is too young for this relationship and is trying to find a way out. Granted, cheating is not the best solution. A lot of people cheat to get out of a relationship. They don't have the courage to say it is over, so do something so unacceptable, so unforgiveable to force the other person to end it. I know I was one of those -- I didn't cheat but I'd merrily drive the poor guy over the edge when I decided I wanted out.

It may also be that he feels so much pressure at home that the girl he is seeing on the side is relief. None of this makes what he is doing right, but it does make him human.

If he's going to cheat, now is the time to do it. At least he's not married yet and the child involved is not his. I know it will make it harder for your family if they break up but it really sounds like that may be the best solution at this time. Honestly, the family dynamics shouldn't factor into it -- it has to be up to these two to do what is best for each of them.

Maybe you could have an honest discussion with your son and advise him to be honest with everyone?

 

[Marcie Mac]

I dont know Vicki - If it were me, I would just "step away" from any involvement whatsoever. And I certainly wouldn't be stepping in a role of talking to them together.

I find that teenage girls can be major drama queens to begin with, let alone be in a serious relationship at such a young age.
Not a lot of these relationships at this age like last until the couple are in their 50's and 60's.

I know he is only 19 as well, but have a feeling he will not take too kindly to you butting in. If you have to drop him some words, I maybe would say little missy called yesterday all upset, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. Wouldn't even go into details about what was told to you. Maybe not going off on him based on a one sided conversation would be the way to proceed. Maybe its just not a mom kinda thing to be discussing and dad needs to handle this one

I learned my lesson about getting sucked into any of my kids relationships dramas. I don't wanna know anymore - Someone mentions girlfriends/boyfriends my head is down in that sand so fast - especially as regards to my eldest difficult child - she thrives on chaos and drama. She has baby #3 with daddy #3 on the way. I have never met the man and its probably just as well - although I do often wonder what he has been told or thinks of us, her family that lives about 10 miles away and he has never met or seen. Does he even think that is odd LOL First daddy is a pot head, second daddy is a meth addict, and third daddy from what had said while she was living at home, is fond of drinking.

Hugs - there should be a sign that says warning, no drama before major holidays..

Marcie

 

[hearts and roses]

I agree with meowbunny.

I don't think you should be placed into the role of mediator by sitting down with them together and hashing out their business. Speaking with your son one on one is okay, but ultimately it is they who have to have the sit down alone and talk about what they want from their relationship, etc. It's really between them and no one else. I can understand the fiance reaching out to your older daughter, but she's the one who will have to be the grown up and call him on his behavior, not his sister or his mom.

Just wanted to add some hugs - I'm sorry, it must be so difficult for you to deal with this with the added worry that he may be involved in drinking and drugging. I pray that he is not and that his erratic behavior has more to do with what meowbunny said.

 

[DammitJanet]

Please please dont get in the middle!

You can mention in passing that if he ever wants to chat, you are there...or maybe that would be better coming from his dad. I made the HUGE mistake of letting my then daughter in law come to me with marital sexual problems (or so she said) about Jamie. She wanted me to talk to him about them. Ohhhh yeah. Well...I tried to have a word of prayer with him.

Come to find out this was said the weekend before he went home and found out that she had been cheating on him for over a month! She wanted it to dig him about sex so that if she was caught cheating he would blame himself. AND SHE USED ME TO DO IT!!!

No no no...dont get in the middle of it.

 

[Just keep swimming]

Thank you all so much! After a long chat with my best friend this morning she pretty much said the same thing. STAY OUT of it, but offer a listening ear to my son if he needs or wants it.

I agree, I think he is over his head in this relationship and she is a major drama queen, threatening suiside if he leaves, etc! I would love to see him out of this whole situation, just wish he had handled it differently.

Thanks again!!

Hugs,
Vickie

 

[Star*]

Vicki,

If drama queen is threatening suicide if your son leaves - maybe he (difficult child son) recognized this about her and decided to get out, but worries that she may make this a reality. It's unfortunate that she is not close to her mom, but she sounds like she's a bit of a difficult child herself and maybe she was the one that strained the relationship to being with?

The person I feel sorriest for in all of this is the little boy. Your son sounds like he's ready to move on and maybe wasn't strong enough to handle a difficult child relationship. She may not have done drugs or booze with him, but the tension of the relationship may have made your son feel like he couldn't cope and went back to coping the best way he knew how. Maybe he's just trying to find a place to go away from her that he doesn't make mistakes? A board aunti can always be prayerful. He's still responsible for his actions, so hopefully this will end before he really gets tangled up with the wrong crowd.

If he's decided now that he doesn't want to be with her - thats a whole lot better than getting married, maybe having a child and ending up in a broken and divorced home. Maybe he deserves a little kudos.

Most definitely DO NOT get in the middle of it. Just an "I'm here if you need someone to talk and not judge" goes a long way.

Glad you got to have your daughter there. I'm sure she's an absolute joy and delight for you!! What a lovely girl she is!
And my little Aly - Give her a hug for me. I think about her often. I bet she's a beauty too! Just like her older sis!

Hugs to you kiddo -
Star