I am so embarrassed

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterby, Aug 20, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I should be beyond being embarrassed by difficult child. But, she was so horrible today.

    She wanted to go to the family doctor for yet another "issue" that she won't do anything about, i.e., take any medications prescribed for it. I'm 99.9% sure it's anxiety related, but of course difficult child denies it and gets angry.

    She periodically feels like she can't breathe - like she's not getting enough oxygen. It has anxiety written all over it. But, the doctor is doing her duty and asking her all sorts of questions: how often does it happen, does she have a cough, does she have a tightness or pain like heartburn in her chest, is it with activity of when at rest, etc.

    difficult child had such an attitude and when the doctor was trying to pin down the frequency by asking, is it everyday, several times a day, a few times a week, difficult child kept responding - very snottily - that she said it was random and why do we keep asking, she *told* us it was random. When asked about any other symptoms, difficult child snottily said NO to every one. She also kept contradicting herself.

    I told her that we are asking specifics because the doctor is trying to determine things and we are trying to get her to think more specifically. To which, difficult child replied that it's random and why won't we listen to her, in a near yelling voice. Then I told her she needed to lose her attitude. Now.

    I was so embarrassed. This doctor is so nice. She didn't get (or act) upset or offended, but I wanted to smack difficult child's head off her shoulders.

    She's 14, not 2.

    The doctor rx'd an inhaler to use when it happens. If it helps then we'll know there is an asthmatic component to it. I didn't fill it. She won't use it. If difficult child asks me to fill it, I will.

    The doctor was then showing her how to properly use an inhaler and she said that some people have a hard time getting the coordination down with squeezing the inhaler and breathing in at the same time, so she asked difficult child if she wanted an extender to help with that. difficult child said no. Then the doctor asked me if I wanted her to have it and I said yes. difficult child was shooting me dirty looks and wouldn't talk to me the rest of the way home. Which was fine with me. I didn't want to talk to her either.

    I also wanted difficult child to get the meningitis vaccine, but she was throwing a fit about that saying with the last shot she got, she felt like she had been punched in the arm for a month. :rolleyes: That's an exaggeration. But, the last shot she got was tetanus and it does make your arm sore for a day or two, which I've explained REPEATEDLY. I asked her how she can put holes in her nose and in her lip, but throw a fit about a shot. The doctor didn't give it to her. I don't know if it was because difficult child didn't consent or if she thought I wasn't going to force it. But, the next time I talk to the doctor I'm going to talk to her about that.

    I'm just so tired of her attitude and behavior over every. little. thing. She's toxic.

    On the upside, she did go to her therapist appointment today. But, apparently I was just supposed to know that. She didn't tell me she was going to go and copped a royal attitude when I said as much. Whatever.

    I don't want to be a mom to her today. Between this and her getting mad when I eat meat because she suddenly became a vegetarian and now I'm a horrible person for eating meat. And she doesn't want to take ANY medications because they're all tested on animals (isn't that a convenient excuse). I let her know that her makeup is tested on animals, too. That shut her up PDQ. And she showed me this video of this self-righteous, holier than thou guy who thinks he is way better than us meat eaters speaking about how humans are herbivores and how he can prove it by looking at the physiological differences between carnivores and herbivores. And of course, she's taking it as fact and getting PO'ed at me because I'm not buying it hook, line and sinker. You know, we don't have claws not because we're herbivores but because we can make weapons. Evolution, baby. Kinda hard to fire a gun if you got claws, dontcha think. :devil:

    ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :919Mad:

    I just don't have it in me today to deal with the BS.

    Vent over. For now.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I understand. been there done that way too many times. Miss KT was always worse around me, like she was trying to show off how cool she was, so for things like dr visits, I started staying in the waiting room. When she popped off at me, I would point out that since she knew everything anyway, I had no reason to go in. After a few visits where things got all messed up, both Miss KT and dr wanted me back in the room. Guess I'm not as dumb as they thought.

    Many hugs. I know, it's awful. And then you feel bad about being embarrassed by them.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Heather,
    I so understand. difficult child does things like this often. Last week when we were at the doctor's he tried to hide because the doctor went to get a nail clipper to clip some skin on difficult child's foot. difficult child thought the doctor was going to cut off his foot-I know he knows better.

    Next week is his physical, I'm making husband take him because difficult child is already complaining that he doesn't want the doctor to check his privates. This from the same boy who loves to run around naked.

    So sorry she was such a PITA today. Hugs.
  4. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Oh Flutter, I'm sorry that difficult child was being such a PITA.
    I can totally understand why you just wouldn't want to parent her today.

    I've been there done that too. I think I hit my lowest point with doctor visits and difficult children the day I had to drag difficult child by the scruff of his neck across a doctor's waiting room floor to get him to go in for an appointment. After that, I was done. I simply refused to take him or have anything further to do with his medical appointments.

    Sending you many gentle hugs, and some of the best Belgian chocolate.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm sorry she's being such a pill!

    At this point, with my difficult child's, I would just sit back and let them make their little scene with the doctor. The medical professional will hopefully be smart enough to figure out that there's something else going on with my kid besides the reason that brought them in there. I don't know if that makes any sense.... I guess I'm just trying to explain the detachment I'd be trying to use in that scenario. It's not a reflection on you -- it's a demonstration of your difficult child's issues first-hand.

    She really IS anxious and irritable, isn't she? Maybe next time you should just let her go in alone while you wait in the lobby. She's old enough to do that now. Then you don't have to be party to her "attitude" and maybe the doctor will see through the hostility and try a different approach with her. Why should you be dragged through her emotional venting when she won't let you do anything to help? Leave that to the guy in the white coat -- let him experience the joys of her little tirades! :p
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. I totally understand your frustration and embarrassment.

    Sounds like you earned a treat today - simply by not strangling her in the office or beating her once you got home!!

    It stinks to know our kids need help but be unable to give them that help because they will not accept it.

  7. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    been there, done that!
    bet she put it on worse because you were in the room too. I agree, next time, let her go in alone and she'll probably be fine. If she does put on the attitude, doctor will work it all out. I'm sure the doctor understood fully what was going on.

    Hugs to you.:D
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I went through this with both my girls (including easy child). It's very much an attitude of "I'm on show, I MUST be seen as an independent young adult, not needing a parent to chaperone me..." and I also got it when they had friends over. Surprisingly, easy child was the worst, she would put on an attitude when she had friends over, as if she was trying to show how SHE ruled the household and had me, her mother, dancing to HER tune. Trying to impress other people.

    What I did - at first I ignored it (she IS supposed to be a easy child, after all) but finally I took her aside, away from an audience, and said, "Are you aware just how rude you are being? This is NOT acceptable. I am doing you the courtesy now, of calling you on it in privacy. I am choosing to not embarrass you in front of your friends, even though you are embarrassing me with your behaviour. And you MUST realise, your friends are nice people, they are intelligent and moral. They are embarrassed by your behaviour too, they are NOT impressed. I saw their faces - they didn't know where to look. I know Pete was grinning - it's a grin of embarrassment. So here's what we do - you acknowledge now that it was not the right way to behave. And from here on, watch yourself. Our code word from here will be 'showmanship'. If the code word doesn't work and nothing else will get through to you, next time you try to bignote yourself at my expense with anyone I will call you on it then and there, no matter who it is in front of or what is happening."

    Warn the doctor that you will do this. If you can, ask if you can take a break from the consult and let the doctor take the next patient, while you drag difficult child out to somewhere more private and call her on her behaviour. Then when you've read her the riot act, go back in and wait to see the doctor again to do the consult properly.

    A lot of this behaviour comes from anxiety - rather than seem fearful and out of control, the kid gets rude and aggressive in trying to prove that they're brave and not fearful. Sometimes it's the more direct aggressive reaction of fear and frustration, but that's not what this sounds like; this sounds more like the "If I can prove I'm in control of my mother, then people won't think I'm a scaredy-cat wimp of a little kid."

    And it's not just kids - adults will do this too. I've made doctor appointments on demand with adults in my life (a parent or similar) who says, "I must see the doctor about X problem, will you make the appointment for me while you're there?" and then when I take them to the doctor, the person then says, "I don't know whay I'm here. Marg was getting fussy and wanted me to see you, I really don't think there's anything wrong."

    It's a combination of anxiety, and a need to present a certain view to the world, even to people we need to NOT put up a brave front for.

    And kids are not as good at doing it politely. Kids use the "whatevveerrrr!" attitude to indicate bravado and couldn't-care-less I-can-handle-anything, instead of honesty and "I need help - please!"

    The longer you clash heads on it without directly dealing with the underlying issues (the kid is really anxious but desperate to not let it show, even to a doctor - which is stupid) then the more entrenched the problem behaviour will become. If you can handle it discreetly to begin with and make it clear that you didn't HAVE to be discreet - she might get the message. She WILL do it again, because it rapidly becomes a habit. If you can give her enough rope she may well (privately) agree she shouldn't have behaved like that, didn't know what got into her... but it also depends on just how deep is the oppositional habit.

    But don't let it ride. You deserve to be treated with the same respect you show to her.

  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I wish I had some good advice to offer here....

    It sounds as if you really cannot win--no matter what you do. If you didn't take her to the doctor--she'd be upset because you do not care about her. You DO take her to the doctor--so she's upset because you made her see a doctor.

    It feels more like she is testing you than anything else...

    Will she love me if I....?
    Does she love me when I....?
    Will she leave me if I try....?

    This must be so exhausting and frustating for you! I hope the therapist can help her find a better way to feel more secure than beating on her mother...

  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    About being a vegetarian:

    Tell her she can belong to PETA because you already belong to PITA.

    That'll throw her a curve cause she won't know WHAT you're talking about!

    Sorry about such a crappy day - we're entrenched in them constantly around here lately!

  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I wouldnt go in with her bony butt for a very long time. Let the man with the white coat see her act this way alone and maybe he will call for the other little men in the white coats!!!

    I tell you, you moms are so much better than me. I would have half killed my kids by now. I must be getting grumpier in my old age.
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Many, many hugs.

    At least when Onyxx decided to be a vegetarian (thank goodness it lasted less than a week, the kid likes steak), she had better sense than to try and push it on the rest of us.
    I didn't cook separate. She just got to eat veggies and pasta or rice, whatever was the side dish. Made sure I had lots of peanut butter, carrot sticks, etc. so she'd get SOME food.

    Then we had steaks that weekend.
  13. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    I agree that it sounds as if she's testing you (Can't you imagine her saying, "I told my mom I couldn't breathe, but she wouldn't take me to the doctor"?).

    One of the most helpful things that happened to us was when difficult child had a meltdown in the psychiatrist office over something stupid and stormed out. psychiatrist got to see exactly what I had been describing. He always believed me, but said it was useful to actually hear the words, tone of voice, etc. So let her go at it -- it helps to have a professional see what you have to deal with every day. (And even though it's embarrassing, it somehow makes you feel a little less crazy, Know what I mean??)

    Many hugs.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    :sword:Aaarrrgh! I hear you.
    I actually smacked my difficult child in the forehead the other night because he had the same attitude (either his spirit flew into your daughter's body or vice versa). Of course, he jumped out of his chair and raised his fist at me, and husband grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him upstairs and they shouted for 10 min, whereup my easy child daughter, who wants to major in art therapy (aka psychology) has to tell me, in an ever-so-sweet voice, that it isn't a good idea to smack difficult child because it provokes him.
    No, REALLY? I would never have figured that out on my own. :tongue::mad:

    So, what about his provoking me?

    I wish I could be more of a grownup all the time but sometimes my Inner Child comes through. ;)
    I can only imagine the wonderful advice she'll come home with-as she takes more advanced classes.

    And she doesn't want to take ANY medications because they're all tested on animals (isn't that a convenient excuse). I let her know that her makeup is tested on animals, too. That shut her up PDQ.


    And she showed me this video of this self-righteous, holier than thou guy who thinks he is way better than us meat eaters speaking about how humans are herbivores and how he can prove it by looking at the physiological differences between carnivores and herbivores. And of course, she's taking it as fact and getting PO'ed at me because I'm not buying it hook, line and sinker. You know, we don't have claws not because we're herbivores but because we can make weapons. Evolution, baby. Kinda hard to fire a gun if you got claws, dontcha think. :devil:

    OMG, I am so sorry, but that is too funny. I love the way you think. You GO!
  15. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Thank you, ladies, for listening to me vent and not thinking I'm a bad mom because she makes me bleeping crazy at times.

    I was so upset over her attitude and behavior throughout the day yesterday, that I was talking to PCs girlfriend and I told her that I know it sounds horrible, but I don't want to do this for 4 more years and some days I just want her out of my house. easy child's girlfriend told me that she was talking to easy child the other day and said she feels really bad for me because I try so hard with difficult child, but difficult child doesn't care about any of it.


    But, today was a much better day. But then, today she needed me.

    Ok. That was cynical. Maybe it was just a better day today because it was a better day.


    I'm running on lack of sleep. Either I sleep excessively or I sleep hardly at all. Makes me cranky.

    Terry - thank you for the compliment. If I didn't have humor, I'd be in a padded cell. ;) I like yours, too....we can't be a grownup *all the time* when we're surrounded by insanity.
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Heather, if you want the scientific arguments, let me know.

    But in brief - humans are omnivores. We eat anything, including rubbish. Take her to see the freegans and dumpster divers if she doesn't believe you...

    But seriously, humans don't have a caecum like herbivores do. Our appendix is the hangover of a caecum. She needs to look at the GI tract of herbivores. A rabbit caecum is at least 6" long (compared to the size of a rabbit). A horse caecum is feet long. The caecum is where symbiotic bacteria live, needed to help digest cellulose. Herbivores have to eat a great deal more in order to get enough calories. herbivores also are not terribly intelligent. They don't need to be as intelligent as a carnivore - a hunter has to have brains. How smart do you have to be, to outwit a blade of grass?

    As for drugs being tested on animals - yes, a lot of them are. But far more of them go straight to human testing. Do I ever hear PETA protesting about that? Apparently to PETA, humans ae less important...

    But these days increasingly, drugs are being manufactured via bacteria and we're getting drugs which can be the same human hormone, for example, produced via genetic engineering. Insulin, for example, used to be extracted from pancreases of dead animals. Pigs, from memory. Again, who protested? Because before insulin, diabetic kids died eventually, but suffered a great deal beforehand. It was horrible. I remember when human insulin came in - they took the human gene that produces insulin, and inserted it into a bacterium, then cultured the bugs until they had vats full of them, all pumping out human insulin in bulk. So much better to take. And because it's a human hormone, no need to test it.

    The testing of medications is nowhere near as nasty as the testing of cosmetics. At least there is sound science in testing medication. Sometimes there is in cosmetics, but mostly it's people who have less of a good idea of how to do decdent research, just doing it by the numbers.

    Research has improved vastly in recent decades. Ethics Committees now MUST include members of the public, ordinary folks like you and me to be the conscience of te team. It is easy for scientists to get caught up in the enthusiasm of "Wow! Look what I just found!" and we need the healthy shock-horror of the average person to pull on the labcoat sleeves and saw, "Hold on a minute, mate - think about this for a sec."

    If she is so concerned, she should inform herself fully and work towards getting herself onto an Ethics Committee, so she can actually put her views to some good purpose, instead of simply driving other people nuts.

    Kids her age see things in black and white. I was just talking over the phone to difficult child 1 a few minutes ago and he is still at this stage. I wanted to reach down the phone line and bang his heads together, except he only has one. Not that he really was doing/saying anything wrong other than, "I have a date for my court hearing. And I am confident I will win, because God is on my side. I am doingthis for thew eright reason, the oter party is doing it out of greed."
    No, son, the other party is doing it because they believe you owe them money. It is up to the court to decide. And the other party's church could be praying just as hard for THEM. NEVER ASSUME!

    Crikey, our kids can be frustrating...

    You're right to use humour to cope. If we didn't laugh, we'd throttle someone. Cheerfully.