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Parent Emeritus
I AM SO SAD. MY DAUGHTER HATES ME.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 724480" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Dee Dee. I'm sorry you're going thru so much sorrow about your daughter.</p><p></p><p>Your story is a sad one, but not unusual. Often we as parents don't know why our adult kids go off the rails or choose to throw us overboard. Not knowing the reason is very hard. The bottom line is that it is their choice and we are powerless to alter it. It is so hurtful to raise our beloved children only to reach a point where they remove us from their lives and we have no idea why.</p><p></p><p>I think it becomes necessary to start the process of detaching from our kids choices and dramas when they treat us badly....we have no control over their choices. You can either allow your daughter to call the shots in your relationship and then suffer the consequences of those choices......or you can disengage from her choices and begin to make your needs and desires the priority. It's not easy. It isn't what any of us want. But we are powerless to change another. All we can change is ourselves and our responses. </p><p></p><p>You may find some comfort and guidance in reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Another resource is a book called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. If you feel your daughter has a form of mental illness or a conduct disorder, you can give NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness a call. You can access them online and they have chapters in most cities. They have excellent parent courses which many of us here have taken where you receive support, guidance, information and resources. Many of us seek professional support thru a private therapist because it is so difficult to begin to detach from our adult troubled kids and learn to accept what we can't change. Acceptance is what will ultimately bring you some peace.....and it is the most challenging part of this whole process. If you don't accept what is, then you will be arguing with reality and trying to control what is out of your control.....all you can control are your responses. To that end, therapy is a good choice.....to have someone help you to recognize that there isn't anything you can do to change this or control it or fix it.....only your daughter can do that and right now, she is unwilling to do so. </p><p></p><p>This is all very hard Dee Dee.....not one of us here expected nor wanted the outcome we are all dealing with.....however, it is what it is and we have to learn how to cope with all of it. What we've learned here is that WE are the ones who need to change......to learn different ways of responding to our adult kids, to not allow their dramas to ruin our lives, to not allow them to manipulate us, abuse us, treat us disrespectfully......to set boundaries around bad behavior....There is a lot to let go of. There is a lot to accept. It's hard. But it's doable.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter has told you what she wants. You don't need to grovel and continue to apologize for real or imagined wrong doings. I would encourage you to leave her alone now, to find ways to take care of yourself, to seek professional support, keep posting and doing very kind and nurturing things for yourself. There is nothing for you to do but accept her present choice and find ways to take care of yourself so that you feel okay. You matter too. Your needs and desires matter. Put the focus on yourself now.....make that the priority.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. You're not alone. I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 724480, member: 13542"] Welcome Dee Dee. I'm sorry you're going thru so much sorrow about your daughter. Your story is a sad one, but not unusual. Often we as parents don't know why our adult kids go off the rails or choose to throw us overboard. Not knowing the reason is very hard. The bottom line is that it is their choice and we are powerless to alter it. It is so hurtful to raise our beloved children only to reach a point where they remove us from their lives and we have no idea why. I think it becomes necessary to start the process of detaching from our kids choices and dramas when they treat us badly....we have no control over their choices. You can either allow your daughter to call the shots in your relationship and then suffer the consequences of those choices......or you can disengage from her choices and begin to make your needs and desires the priority. It's not easy. It isn't what any of us want. But we are powerless to change another. All we can change is ourselves and our responses. You may find some comfort and guidance in reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Another resource is a book called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. If you feel your daughter has a form of mental illness or a conduct disorder, you can give NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness a call. You can access them online and they have chapters in most cities. They have excellent parent courses which many of us here have taken where you receive support, guidance, information and resources. Many of us seek professional support thru a private therapist because it is so difficult to begin to detach from our adult troubled kids and learn to accept what we can't change. Acceptance is what will ultimately bring you some peace.....and it is the most challenging part of this whole process. If you don't accept what is, then you will be arguing with reality and trying to control what is out of your control.....all you can control are your responses. To that end, therapy is a good choice.....to have someone help you to recognize that there isn't anything you can do to change this or control it or fix it.....only your daughter can do that and right now, she is unwilling to do so. This is all very hard Dee Dee.....not one of us here expected nor wanted the outcome we are all dealing with.....however, it is what it is and we have to learn how to cope with all of it. What we've learned here is that WE are the ones who need to change......to learn different ways of responding to our adult kids, to not allow their dramas to ruin our lives, to not allow them to manipulate us, abuse us, treat us disrespectfully......to set boundaries around bad behavior....There is a lot to let go of. There is a lot to accept. It's hard. But it's doable. Your daughter has told you what she wants. You don't need to grovel and continue to apologize for real or imagined wrong doings. I would encourage you to leave her alone now, to find ways to take care of yourself, to seek professional support, keep posting and doing very kind and nurturing things for yourself. There is nothing for you to do but accept her present choice and find ways to take care of yourself so that you feel okay. You matter too. Your needs and desires matter. Put the focus on yourself now.....make that the priority. Hang in there. You're not alone. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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I AM SO SAD. MY DAUGHTER HATES ME.
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