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I AM SO SAD. MY DAUGHTER HATES ME.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724514" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Deedee, so sorry for your situation and your need to be here. It is a shock to the system when d cs go off the rails and shift blame on their parents.</p><p>You have received some very solid advice.</p><p>The hard part, is to process all that is happening inside of YOU, due to your daughters irrational and difficult behavior.</p><p>I have been through stuff with my two daughters that is very unsettling. Not the same as you have, there are drugs involved with my two, but I think the initial reaction on my part was similar to yours. It is a grieving of loss of relationship.</p><p>Here are some steps of grieving (from my University-Google)</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. ...</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">PAIN & GUILT- ...</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">ANGER & BARGAINING- ...</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- ...</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">THE UPWARD TURN- ...</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- ...</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">ACCEPTANCE & HOPE</li> </ul><p>I think the pain and guilt piece is exacerbated by our d cs, as they tend to blame everything on us. It becomes a sort of game for them. On my walk this morning, I was thinking about it. Survival mode. They are in survival mode, hunting for anything that validates their actions. We become prey to them, easy targets, and they will cling to anything real or imagined to excuse their bad behavior. The longer we are stuck in pain and guilt, the <em>more they will pull at our heartstrings.</em></p><p>It is an easy way out for them, to deflect blame for their actions on their parents. We become the wrong ones, the reason for their consequences.</p><p>It is a hard, hard place to be, because we can look back into our past and pick out times when we faltered, start to get stuck into the cycle of blaming ourselves.</p><p>This is where our ill adult children ensnare us.</p><p>The focus is on them, they have got us right where they want us.</p><p>We are reduced to "less than a person".</p><p>That's how I feel my two view me.</p><p>The drugs, illness whatever our d cs are going through becomes first and foremost in their lives.</p><p>It is a vicious, mind baffling, heart wrenching thing when this happens to a relationship with our beloved children, who are now adults.</p><p>No one would have predicted it.</p><p>How on earth are we supposed to overcome this?</p><p>We must.</p><p>Simple.</p><p><em>Our going down into the deep dark recesses of where ever this came from, will not save them</em>.</p><p>I have come to think that my building myself up, self care, not just surviving , but thriving, is the best thing I can do for my d cs.</p><p>Show them by example, model self care.</p><p>Believe me, I have tried just about everything else, to no avail.</p><p>Did I make mistakes parenting? Heck yes. But, I am only an imperfect human. Did the best I could with what I had at the time.</p><p>I can't let my older, more understanding self, judge the mistakes of my younger self.</p><p>Went through those tapes, apologized profusely to my two.</p><p>Went through times of guilt, depression, reduced myself to a mess, caught up in the swirly whirly of it all.</p><p>That got really, really, tiring.</p><p>Feeling like a wet, yucky dishrag.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>Well.</p><p>We cannot control the actions, attitudes, consequences of the choices our d cs make.</p><p>Period.</p><p>They will do what they want to do.</p><p>Period.</p><p>If you take away all of the emotions of it, start to look at things from a different viewpoint, other than your broken heart, then, you will be able to shift your focus.</p><p>It is really, really important.</p><p>Not easy to pull up and out of the muck of it, don't kick yourself for feeling the way you do.</p><p>Take the time you need to process it, then figure out what you need to do to strengthen yourself.</p><p>Reading and writing helps, a lot.</p><p>Understanding you have absolutely no control over your d cs choices, helps.</p><p>Don't wrote the end of her story, things may change.</p><p>For the time being, no one, no one, no one, least of all a child you raised to adulthood, has the right to mistreat you, or reduce you to a blubbering, heartbroken, mess.</p><p>NO ONE!</p><p></p><p>So, start to try as best you can to pull up and out of the deep dark hole she is trying to keep you in.</p><p></p><p>You didn't cause this, can't change it, and have no control over it.</p><p></p><p>Do what you need to breathe, and strengthen yourself.</p><p></p><p>You are in a battle, guard your heart, and build your armor.</p><p></p><p>This kind of stuff, kicks us right in the gut. It is a blow to the head and heart.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for your heartache.</p><p></p><p>No matter what your daughter says, or does, YOU MATTER!</p><p></p><p>You have value and worth.</p><p></p><p>And, you are not alone.</p><p></p><p>Welcome.</p><p></p><p>Big, big, HUGS!</p><p></p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724514, member: 19522"] Hi Deedee, so sorry for your situation and your need to be here. It is a shock to the system when d cs go off the rails and shift blame on their parents. You have received some very solid advice. The hard part, is to process all that is happening inside of YOU, due to your daughters irrational and difficult behavior. I have been through stuff with my two daughters that is very unsettling. Not the same as you have, there are drugs involved with my two, but I think the initial reaction on my part was similar to yours. It is a grieving of loss of relationship. Here are some steps of grieving (from my University-Google) [LIST] [*]SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. ... [*]PAIN & GUILT- ... [*]ANGER & BARGAINING- ... [*]"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- ... [*]THE UPWARD TURN- ... [*]RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- ... [*]ACCEPTANCE & HOPE [/LIST] I think the pain and guilt piece is exacerbated by our d cs, as they tend to blame everything on us. It becomes a sort of game for them. On my walk this morning, I was thinking about it. Survival mode. They are in survival mode, hunting for anything that validates their actions. We become prey to them, easy targets, and they will cling to anything real or imagined to excuse their bad behavior. The longer we are stuck in pain and guilt, the [I]more they will pull at our heartstrings.[/I] It is an easy way out for them, to deflect blame for their actions on their parents. We become the wrong ones, the reason for their consequences. It is a hard, hard place to be, because we can look back into our past and pick out times when we faltered, start to get stuck into the cycle of blaming ourselves. This is where our ill adult children ensnare us. The focus is on them, they have got us right where they want us. We are reduced to "less than a person". That's how I feel my two view me. The drugs, illness whatever our d cs are going through becomes first and foremost in their lives. It is a vicious, mind baffling, heart wrenching thing when this happens to a relationship with our beloved children, who are now adults. No one would have predicted it. How on earth are we supposed to overcome this? We must. Simple. [I]Our going down into the deep dark recesses of where ever this came from, will not save them[/I]. I have come to think that my building myself up, self care, not just surviving , but thriving, is the best thing I can do for my d cs. Show them by example, model self care. Believe me, I have tried just about everything else, to no avail. Did I make mistakes parenting? Heck yes. But, I am only an imperfect human. Did the best I could with what I had at the time. I can't let my older, more understanding self, judge the mistakes of my younger self. Went through those tapes, apologized profusely to my two. Went through times of guilt, depression, reduced myself to a mess, caught up in the swirly whirly of it all. That got really, really, tiring. Feeling like a wet, yucky dishrag. Sigh. Well. We cannot control the actions, attitudes, consequences of the choices our d cs make. Period. They will do what they want to do. Period. If you take away all of the emotions of it, start to look at things from a different viewpoint, other than your broken heart, then, you will be able to shift your focus. It is really, really important. Not easy to pull up and out of the muck of it, don't kick yourself for feeling the way you do. Take the time you need to process it, then figure out what you need to do to strengthen yourself. Reading and writing helps, a lot. Understanding you have absolutely no control over your d cs choices, helps. Don't wrote the end of her story, things may change. For the time being, no one, no one, no one, least of all a child you raised to adulthood, has the right to mistreat you, or reduce you to a blubbering, heartbroken, mess. NO ONE! So, start to try as best you can to pull up and out of the deep dark hole she is trying to keep you in. You didn't cause this, can't change it, and have no control over it. Do what you need to breathe, and strengthen yourself. You are in a battle, guard your heart, and build your armor. This kind of stuff, kicks us right in the gut. It is a blow to the head and heart. I am sorry for your heartache. No matter what your daughter says, or does, YOU MATTER! You have value and worth. And, you are not alone. Welcome. Big, big, HUGS! Leafy [/QUOTE]
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I AM SO SAD. MY DAUGHTER HATES ME.
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