They hurt mainly because I was just outside literally beating a tree with a piece of 2x4. Hard. And doing my best not to scream so loud that the neighbors would call the cops. **Warnings and disclaimers: This is a vent. An angry one. I realize addiction is a very strong tide to turn and you can't make someone get help if they don't want it. I also realize and know that, in this case, when someone says they love someone they mean it. But....this is going to get ugly folks. And sorry about the language but be glad you're not in front of me right now. I have an uncle (J) who is more like my brother. We are only 5 years apart and basically grew up like siblings. J and my grandparents lived about 4 hours away from me from the time I was a baby until just after I graduated high school. Because of this, the only time I got to see them was usually just 2 or 3 weeks each summer when I would go stay. I was an only child until I was 17 and when I was a kid, I IDOLIZED J. Seriously IDOLIZED him. Yeah, we fought like brother and sister and he tormented the hell out of me but man, he was DA BOMB. To this day, he still holds a very special place in my heart. When I was about 18-20, J and I actually lived in the same town. We never really went out together because I wasn't old enough for the bars but I would go to his place a lot and hang out. He would ask me to fix him up with my friends (which I never did) and I would ask the same about his. He never let his friends near me however because "they were all pervs". He now lives (again) 4 hours away from me with his wife and step-daughter. He claims to love them with his whole being....they are his world. He claims to love me and the rest of the family. He claims to not want to die. But where is he right this very minute? In the ER. He's had bleeding issues for more than a few years now. Internally and rectally. This past June he had a 3 unit transfusion. He's been told that if he doesn't quit drinking, He. Will. Die. He hasn't. His version of cutting back is two tall boys and most of a 12 pack. Per. Day. Today's issues involved the calling of an ambulance because his heart was racing, his color was even worse than normal and he was clammy and had the sweats. The ambulance came and he refused to go to the hospital. A half hour after they left, he vomited a lot of blood. He finally went to the hospital but his wife (who has some pretty major health issues of her own) hasn't heard from him yet and he's been there for about 5 hours. I am so f'ng angry with him right now. I called his wife and talked to her. I told her how I'm feeling but told her to tell him that I love him. But honestly, my feelings right now are basically Fk him. If he can't even TRY to change things (even though it's too fng late) then I don't want to have a damn thing to do with him. He lost a cousin over the weekend from the same damn thing. THE SAME THING. No reaction. When it's time for HIS funeral, I don't know that I'll be able to go. Not because of the job or finances but because I know if I do, I'll just stand in front of his casket and scream, yell, curse and rail at him. I will want to drag his rail thin (115 lbs), pickled body out of that coffin and kick his *** all over town. He f'n claims (and has for years) that he doesn't want to die and that he loves everyone so f'n much but won't even put one OUNCE of effort into getting help. He lost his job because he physically couldn't do it anymore. Now he sits on his *** all night watching tv and drinking his damn beer. He is yelling at his step-daughter (typical teen) all the time because he's drunk and/or irritable. They've gone through their savings and don't have any money yet he STILL goes out and buys his precious fn beer. TO HELL WITH HIM. I love him, God, I love him. But I can't do this. I can't sit by the phone waiting on the call that I KNOW will come. Hell, it may come tonight, who knows. Whenever it comes though, I don't know that I'll go. I'm actually kind of freaking myself out. As ****** and hurting as I am right now, aside from the tree thing.....I'm eerily calm. Part of me wants to scream and yell but I can't bring myself to do it. Why? Why waste the energy on him when he won't do one damn thing to even ATTEMPT to save himself. But oh God. I don't want to lose him.