I am soooooo #$%^&* angry and my arms hurt.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by mstang67chic, Sep 16, 2008.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    They hurt mainly because I was just outside literally beating a tree with a piece of 2x4. Hard. And doing my best not to scream so loud that the neighbors would call the cops.

    **Warnings and disclaimers: This is a vent. An angry one. I realize addiction is a very strong tide to turn and you can't make someone get help if they don't want it. I also realize and know that, in this case, when someone says they love someone they mean it. But....this is going to get ugly folks. And sorry about the language but be glad you're not in front of me right now.

    I have an uncle (J) who is more like my brother. We are only 5 years apart and basically grew up like siblings. J and my grandparents lived about 4 hours away from me from the time I was a baby until just after I graduated high school. Because of this, the only time I got to see them was usually just 2 or 3 weeks each summer when I would go stay. I was an only child until I was 17 and when I was a kid, I IDOLIZED J. Seriously IDOLIZED him. Yeah, we fought like brother and sister and he tormented the hell out of me but man, he was DA BOMB. To this day, he still holds a very special place in my heart. When I was about 18-20, J and I actually lived in the same town. We never really went out together because I wasn't old enough for the bars but I would go to his place a lot and hang out. He would ask me to fix him up with my friends (which I never did) and I would ask the same about his. He never let his friends near me however because "they were all pervs". He now lives (again) 4 hours away from me with his wife and step-daughter. He claims to love them with his whole being....they are his world. He claims to love me and the rest of the family. He claims to not want to die. But where is he right this very minute? In the ER. He's had bleeding issues for more than a few years now. Internally and rectally. This past June he had a 3 unit transfusion. He's been told that if he doesn't quit drinking, He. Will. Die. He hasn't. His version of cutting back is two tall boys and most of a 12 pack. Per. Day. Today's issues involved the calling of an ambulance because his heart was racing, his color was even worse than normal and he was clammy and had the sweats. The ambulance came and he refused to go to the hospital. A half hour after they left, he vomited a lot of blood. He finally went to the hospital but his wife (who has some pretty major health issues of her own) hasn't heard from him yet and he's been there for about 5 hours.

    I am so f'ng angry with him right now. I called his wife and talked to her. I told her how I'm feeling but told her to tell him that I love him. But honestly, my feelings right now are basically Fk him. If he can't even TRY to change things (even though it's too fng late) then I don't want to have a damn thing to do with him. He lost a cousin over the weekend from the same damn thing. THE SAME THING. No reaction. When it's time for HIS funeral, I don't know that I'll be able to go. Not because of the job or finances but because I know if I do, I'll just stand in front of his casket and scream, yell, curse and rail at him. I will want to drag his rail thin (115 lbs), pickled body out of that coffin and kick his *** all over town.

    He f'n claims (and has for years) that he doesn't want to die and that he loves everyone so f'n much but won't even put one OUNCE of effort into getting help. He lost his job because he physically couldn't do it anymore. Now he sits on his *** all night watching tv and drinking his damn beer. He is yelling at his step-daughter (typical teen) all the time because he's drunk and/or irritable. They've gone through their savings and don't have any money yet he STILL goes out and buys his precious fn beer.

    TO HELL WITH HIM. I love him, God, I love him. But I can't do this. I can't sit by the phone waiting on the call that I KNOW will come. Hell, it may come tonight, who knows. Whenever it comes though, I don't know that I'll go. I'm actually kind of freaking myself out. As ****** and hurting as I am right now, aside from the tree thing.....I'm eerily calm. Part of me wants to scream and yell but I can't bring myself to do it. Why? Why waste the energy on him when he won't do one damn thing to even ATTEMPT to save himself.

    But oh God. I don't want to lose him.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry! Not Fair! Not Fair At All! Hugs
  3. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I can relate to how you feel, it's how I feel about S2BX. It's a wicked disease and it hurts so many people

    so sorry, <<<HUGS>>>
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I am so, so sorry. Many hugs to you.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Mstang, I'm really sorry that you are suffering like this. My guess is that he really doesn't want to die and that he does love all of you. My guess is that the addiction took over his strength or ability to do anything about it.
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Really, really sorry he's doing this to himself and everyone around him. I'd be angry, too. (((((Hugs)))))
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Stang, I'm really sorry. One thing you can't do is make a person change. You can offer advice, support, guidance, but in the end it is their choice.

    What you CAN do is set your boundaries. With a loving hug at the hospital, you can tell your uncle that the ball is in his court. Either stop drinking NOW and get help, or I can't see you anymore. It's too painful to watch.

    Maybe this will be his wake up call. Fingers crossed.

  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry Mstang-what a horrible, rotten disease this is.
  9. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Mstang, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
    Addiction is a terrible, rotten, horrible, cruel miserable thing and it just RUINS people.

    I've stood in your shoes, right where you are now, with my difficult child-sister-in-law.

    I think Abbey's advice about setting boundaries is good. Tell him how his actions are making you feel, and then detach detach detach. His addiction has such a powerful hold on him, he can't tear away from it. I'm saying prayers that this is his bottom, and from here he can get the help he needs to get clean.

  10. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    His mind is stronger than his body......thus the addiction rules....... sorry there is no easy fix..... Abbey made good suggestions...... it isn't easy to believe you can't change things, hoping your uncle can make a change for better health......
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs, addiction is evil and ugly.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Stang, I know you love him. And I know addiction is a huge major thing to turn around. But have you ever let loose on him the way you vented here and let him know how you really feel? No, you can't make him do a darn thing. But maybe someone who is so very close to him telling him exactly like it is might get his attention.

    I'm so sorry Stang. This hoovers to the nth degree. I know it rips your heart out to watch. You have very valid reasons to be furious with him.

  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

  14. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Like that? No. He and I have had small talks here and there when we see each other but nothing like that. I should and part of me really wants to just unleash on him. But....even if he stops today, he's still on borrowed time. There's just too much damage. And I'm too afraid of that being the last contact I ever have with him to let myself do it. Will I possibly regret not doing it? Maybe, but I think I would regret it more if the last words I ever said to him were F you, even if I said I love you but... you know? Besides....we've ALL talked to him in some way over the years. He knows he needs to stop, he knows he will die if he doesn't (and at this point he will anyway) but he doesn't do anything. He says he has or is cutting back but his version of cutting back just doesn't cut it.

    My dad (his brother) called me on my cell this morning while I was at work. Scared me to death but I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone. Actually it was all I could do to listen to the voice mail. He talked to J finally and the docs are going to do an Upper GI (again...I've lost track of how many of these things he's had.) If they find something they can fix, they will but otherwise they will probably just give him yet another transfusion and send him home. His wife did say last night that she's seriously thinking about giving him an ultimatum because she can't sit and watch him die either. I feel so bad for her. It's hard enough to deal with this **** anyway but she almost died this year herself. She is diabetic and got some sort of infection and lost one leg up to about 6 inches below her hip. (a little at a time because the original hospital she was at really hoovered) He's going to have to do something either way. Even if it wasn't an issue of his life, he's out of work and hasn't even looked for anything. She gets Social Security but it's only enough to pay for rent, utilities and food. There is no extra for beer, cigs, and even gas.

    I'm doing better today than last night. Part of me is resigned because this is basically now a "when" issue and not an "if", but, of course, there is still that part that hopes. I don't want to lose that part of me but I also want to take that part out and slap it silly.

    Thank you all so much for putting up with my little fit and the hugs and support. It means a lot and feels so good to know that I can come here and do it.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((hugs))) Stang. It's horrible to watch them self destruct.