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I am struggling to cope
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 641712" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome. I am so sorry you find yourself struggling with your son. It's extremely difficult to love someone and watch them self destruct. It is impossible to change or help someone who doesn't want help. Since he is an "adult" there is little you can do.</p><p></p><p>It appears as if you are not in the US. Here we have an organization called NAMI, which is the National alliance on Mental Illness. Even if your son is not seeking help NAMI offers wonderful courses for parents to learn to cope with Mental illness and to find strategies and guidance to learn to accept what you have no power to control or fix. Wherever you live, it may be prudent for you to look for an organization which is similar and offers support for parents.</p><p></p><p>It is very sad. I am sorry for your suffering. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It may be helpful for you. If there are equivalent groups where you are like the 12 step groups we have here, they might offer you some relief, they are very helpful to many of our members here.</p><p></p><p>When we're in a situation like you are in, where an adult refuses help and leaves us on the sidelines feeling helpless and out of control, the best advice we can offer is for YOU to seek help so that you can learn to live within a situation where you have no control. It isn't easy which is why we advocate professional counseling or some kind of support for YOU. Going against our own beliefs about what a parent can and should do when our kids are struggling is like trying to control a runaway train. As long as you remain in the mindset of guilt, or enabling or grief or trying to "fix it" you will suffer. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it. Only he can.</p><p></p><p>This is hard. For many of us, this is the hardest thing we will ever have to face. I have a grown daughter much older then your son, who has no diagnosis but has acted out in many self destructive ways. For me, the way I learned to cope was to seek out as much support as I could to help ME to learn how to accept what I had no control over. Otherwise, I would be running around in a hamster wheel for the rest of my life trying to fix the unfixable. It is out of our control. We are powerless. Accepting that is very challenging.</p><p></p><p>Your story is not unlike many of ours. If you have been reading along you have likely identified with many of us. This is a positive, healthy place to land for those of us with troubled adult kids. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I'm glad you found us. I'm glad you're here. Take a deep breath and recognize that this is not your fault, AND, there is little you can do. Find support, find a therapist, or a parent group, or somewhere YOU can go to vent, express, get support, guidance, empathy, understanding.........help so you can learn how to find joy in your own life, separate from what your son is doing or not doing. It is a tall order, but it CAN be done. I did it. So can you.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting, it helps. Sending a welcome hug for your hurting heart...............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 641712, member: 13542"] Welcome. I am so sorry you find yourself struggling with your son. It's extremely difficult to love someone and watch them self destruct. It is impossible to change or help someone who doesn't want help. Since he is an "adult" there is little you can do. It appears as if you are not in the US. Here we have an organization called NAMI, which is the National alliance on Mental Illness. Even if your son is not seeking help NAMI offers wonderful courses for parents to learn to cope with Mental illness and to find strategies and guidance to learn to accept what you have no power to control or fix. Wherever you live, it may be prudent for you to look for an organization which is similar and offers support for parents. It is very sad. I am sorry for your suffering. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It may be helpful for you. If there are equivalent groups where you are like the 12 step groups we have here, they might offer you some relief, they are very helpful to many of our members here. When we're in a situation like you are in, where an adult refuses help and leaves us on the sidelines feeling helpless and out of control, the best advice we can offer is for YOU to seek help so that you can learn to live within a situation where you have no control. It isn't easy which is why we advocate professional counseling or some kind of support for YOU. Going against our own beliefs about what a parent can and should do when our kids are struggling is like trying to control a runaway train. As long as you remain in the mindset of guilt, or enabling or grief or trying to "fix it" you will suffer. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it. Only he can. This is hard. For many of us, this is the hardest thing we will ever have to face. I have a grown daughter much older then your son, who has no diagnosis but has acted out in many self destructive ways. For me, the way I learned to cope was to seek out as much support as I could to help ME to learn how to accept what I had no control over. Otherwise, I would be running around in a hamster wheel for the rest of my life trying to fix the unfixable. It is out of our control. We are powerless. Accepting that is very challenging. Your story is not unlike many of ours. If you have been reading along you have likely identified with many of us. This is a positive, healthy place to land for those of us with troubled adult kids. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I'm glad you found us. I'm glad you're here. Take a deep breath and recognize that this is not your fault, AND, there is little you can do. Find support, find a therapist, or a parent group, or somewhere YOU can go to vent, express, get support, guidance, empathy, understanding.........help so you can learn how to find joy in your own life, separate from what your son is doing or not doing. It is a tall order, but it CAN be done. I did it. So can you. Keep posting, it helps. Sending a welcome hug for your hurting heart............... [/QUOTE]
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