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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 650086" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Tess, how my heart hurts for you, hon.</p><p></p><p>Sadly, we are so anxious to believe our adult children have changed that when a life changing event takes place, such as a pregnancy, we hope so hard that THIS is the blessing our adult child has received that will change her/him....that we forget who they really are. We want so badly to believe the best and be "normal" parents of "normal" adult children. I get it. I get it so much. I get it more than you will ever know.</p><p></p><p>Tess, most of our adult children who bring us here do probably have personality disorders, such as borderline, and your daughter's behavior certainly indicates that. Maybe she thought she'd get a little money from you before doing her worst. Maybe she wanted to hurt you...many of our adult kids do like to hurt us, an admission that makes me shudder and shake my head.</p><p></p><p>We err in the hopes that our adult child will finally be a nice, loving, productive member of society, but we also lie because we so badly want the joy of a normal adult relationship with them and, of course, to know and love our grandchildren.</p><p></p><p>You are not a fool. Your daughter is just very cunning and manipulative and low on empathy. Until I learned to accept my kids as they are, all of them, I was not a happy person. I didn't want to admit I had any problem adult children, but acceptance has helped me tremendously. Now, especially with Bart, I go slow before getting excited over anything. I wait and see. I hesitate. I sit back and wait. I know things can change into a crises on a dime and I do not necessarily engage.</p><p></p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">It would probably be a nice gift to yourself and your husband, after this devestation, to go for help to make your own lives better...learn to detach with love and to stand back and to cope with having a problem adult child and learn how to go on and have a happy life anyway. The chances for this particular adult daughter to give you any joy without much pain is unlikely. IF she is borderline, and she fits the bill, they can not sustain for long and have no problems using revenge, anger and cut offs as weapons to slay our hurting hearts. It is best to accept her as she is and not to bank your happiness on anything that happens in her life as she can hurt you without any sympathy. But it's a process, which is why you would need professional help.</li> </ul><p>Again, I am so sorry. I had a feelings...our adult kids do not change overnight for any reason. They are what they are. And they do what they do. And we need to learn radical acceptance (look up this term...so helpful) and to move on in our own lives. She would not have been a capable mother nor have allowed you a normal relationship with a grandchild anyway and that doesn't make what she is doing any better, but it is probably something you should remember next time she does this. And she will. My advice, which you can take or leave of course, is to not engage her or look at the ultrasound. How cruel! I'd be going very low contact with her if it were me, but all of us handle these things in different ways.</p><p></p><p>Sad hugs for your hurting heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 650086, member: 1550"] Tess, how my heart hurts for you, hon. Sadly, we are so anxious to believe our adult children have changed that when a life changing event takes place, such as a pregnancy, we hope so hard that THIS is the blessing our adult child has received that will change her/him....that we forget who they really are. We want so badly to believe the best and be "normal" parents of "normal" adult children. I get it. I get it so much. I get it more than you will ever know. Tess, most of our adult children who bring us here do probably have personality disorders, such as borderline, and your daughter's behavior certainly indicates that. Maybe she thought she'd get a little money from you before doing her worst. Maybe she wanted to hurt you...many of our adult kids do like to hurt us, an admission that makes me shudder and shake my head. We err in the hopes that our adult child will finally be a nice, loving, productive member of society, but we also lie because we so badly want the joy of a normal adult relationship with them and, of course, to know and love our grandchildren. You are not a fool. Your daughter is just very cunning and manipulative and low on empathy. Until I learned to accept my kids as they are, all of them, I was not a happy person. I didn't want to admit I had any problem adult children, but acceptance has helped me tremendously. Now, especially with Bart, I go slow before getting excited over anything. I wait and see. I hesitate. I sit back and wait. I know things can change into a crises on a dime and I do not necessarily engage. [LIST] [*]It would probably be a nice gift to yourself and your husband, after this devestation, to go for help to make your own lives better...learn to detach with love and to stand back and to cope with having a problem adult child and learn how to go on and have a happy life anyway. The chances for this particular adult daughter to give you any joy without much pain is unlikely. IF she is borderline, and she fits the bill, they can not sustain for long and have no problems using revenge, anger and cut offs as weapons to slay our hurting hearts. It is best to accept her as she is and not to bank your happiness on anything that happens in her life as she can hurt you without any sympathy. But it's a process, which is why you would need professional help. [/LIST] Again, I am so sorry. I had a feelings...our adult kids do not change overnight for any reason. They are what they are. And they do what they do. And we need to learn radical acceptance (look up this term...so helpful) and to move on in our own lives. She would not have been a capable mother nor have allowed you a normal relationship with a grandchild anyway and that doesn't make what she is doing any better, but it is probably something you should remember next time she does this. And she will. My advice, which you can take or leave of course, is to not engage her or look at the ultrasound. How cruel! I'd be going very low contact with her if it were me, but all of us handle these things in different ways. Sad hugs for your hurting heart. [/QUOTE]
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