I am sure others experience this

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Junglelandmama, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. Hi family,

    I know I am not alone with what is troubling me right now. Our kids, for the most part look "normal" from the outside. My difficult child is tall, beautiful and very athletic. To the outsider, she "looks normal".

    But then, in the grocery store she flips out when she doesn't get whatever it is she HAS to have that day/minute/second. Here is this 5'10" girl drooling, spitting, raging in the middle of the store and people are all just standing there staring.

    I try to do as therapist suggests, talk calmly, try to hug her, walk away, remove the audience. But mostly I just want to knock her head off her shoulders, if I could reach it! chuckle

    And, in the midst of all this, there is my "easy child" 7 yo daughter witnessing this mess and all I want to do is run away and remove her from this crappolla.

    I have tried the discussion before entering the store, if behavior is good...this will happen... If behavior is bad... this will happen...

    My husband is on the same page, finally, and does the same thing. We are to the point of not taking her anywhere anymore. But then, how does she learn appropriate behavior, get rewarded for such and then maybe earn more trips?

    husband did a test run last night, short list, took just difficult child and she did ok, not great, but no raging, just pouting and angry. Guess that's a start.

    I am feeling sad and overwhelmed at this moment. Guess that is a sure sign I need a meeting (NA)!

    Had her transition to HS IEP last Friday. The program they have sounds good. She is at 3rd grade level and they hope to get her up to 6th grade level by end of HS. Discussion of diploma tract or something else, can't remember the name of it. Makes me sad, she wants to play basketball for college so badly. Praying we can make that happen for her.

    Anyways, just venting I guess. Feeling sad for difficult child because once people are with her a little while, they realize something's just not quite right and she is aware of it now.

    Hugs, Vickie
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am so sorry you have to go through that. husband's "trial run" is a perfect response. She has to EARN bigger trips (reward) by handling so many smaller ones and even then, the trips grow gradually. Clear consequences before EVERY trip and follow through will hopefully get through. If she "messes up" on a smaller trip, back to square one. Good luck. Glad husband is on the same page :)
  3. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Oh there is nothing harder than seeing our kids suffer. I know about the " Our kids, for the most part look "normal" from the outside." My daughter will present well for sometime. People have a hard time accepting that she is not ok. As for wanting to rip her head off, this is normal. I don't even worry about what other people(the audience) think anymore-if we can get out we do, if not we do the best possible thing and head for another eisle!

    I dont know if this is an idea for you or not but it's how we handle our difficult child when we go shopping. She gets X amount of money or gets to choose 3 foods at the grocery store (and yes even now at age 16 because she is so demanding)-that is all. It took about 2 or 3 tries and now she doesn't dare throw a fit or ask for even a dime more because that means she gets nothing. When she later whines about needing shampoo or hair spray-I just say,"Oh that is too bad because you could have bought those when we were at the store yesterday,how will you get by?" You have to stick to your guns because they will try to wheedle away at you. We don't ever give her the money, we stay in control (she'd hide it and spend it on running away most likely), maybe your girl could hold onto it?? It works for us. She has to think about what she really wants, needs and can afford.
    Hugs and keep up hope because we are the only ones to transmit that to our kids!
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs Vickie!

    I do so understand. Taking difficult child to the grocery store is a recipe for disaster. While he doesn't melt he does get angry, swear at me, and starts "bumping" into me, etc...

    I also understand about looking "normal" on the outside. My difficult child also is planning on college. Right now he is functioning at about 1st or 2nd grade academically. My difficult child is also starting high school next year. Should be an interesting few years.
  5. Thank u all for responding. I feel a bit better, my friend showed up this morning and we had a great venting session and even went out to lunch. Soooo helpful to vent to those who "get it". She also has adopted and bio difficult children.

    I love all the suggestions you guys are really wonderful. I will try the 3 items only and see how that works.

    Hugs and thanks, Vickie
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    With regards to playing NCAA ball, you will need to check her classes against the approved list at the NCAA Clearinghouse. Most of the lower level special education classes are not approved.

    Here is a link where you can look up her high school and the classes she will have to see if they are approved.


    Playing NCAA Athletics takes more than extrodinary talent and unbelievable work ethic. It also takes getting good grades in the right classes and getting the necessary ACT score.

    I have some experience in this area, if you want more info, just send me a PM cause I don't want to bore the rest of the board :)
  7. JJJ, thank u for that link! I will print off the info for her school and make sure this is an option. Thank u so much! I will hit u up for more info soon! Hugs, Vickie
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We have a variation on the three items thing. We always shop with a shopping list and stick to it. The kids learned that if they want something they need, such as shampoo or deodorant, it has to go on the list. We have allowed them to ask for the list to write it down, but that is bending the rules. Once we enter the tore, technically even once we leave home, e should not allow this. The purpose - while we are at home, we can go and check to make sure we really need it, and not be buying extra. For example yesterday I remembered I had used a can of beans and could not remember if I had replaced it or not. So I bought another can, then when I got home realised I HAD previously replaced it. So now we have two cans of beans where I only needed one.

    If the child wants something (as distinct from needs something) and we need to focus on reward, we allow ONE item to a certain value. We agree on this ahead of time, so it doesn't look like us giving way to an impulse. I also use the child in the supermarket to go find this, or fetch that. It keeps them too busy to focus on the crowds and bustle.