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keista

New Member
I do hope you are still around. I'm a single mom too. All family and good friends are WAY out of state. husband up and left 4 years ago and when he was around, not only was he not helpful, but he added to the problems. (still does, but it's not a parenting issue now)

I went over everything again last night with my EX, we talked about Stevie and the issues he was having. He suggested he might take Stevie alone on a trip somewhere to give him some extra bonding time..now wouldn't it be great if he followed through with that? Wow, it would be great!

How does Stevie behave with ex? Do they have regular visits? Any chance ex would take custody if things are "easier" in the man to man realm? Something to consider.
 

ready2run

New Member
eatpraytravel said:
Hi Lisa... I got him tested for EVERYTHING, absolutely everything when he was a baby and had those problems just to rule out anything physical. The problems with his bowels, etc went away on their own and in started the more intense behaviors as a toddler. I could dig up everything he was tested for, and it was obscene...I really did get him tested for everything so I don't know what to say..

I don't have a husband, I don't have a boyfriend, I have one friend and she is always busy, my mom is always working, my brother and dad live hours away from me, and I have no support or help. I have no babysitters that will actually tolerate my son (I went through 16 in one year!) so there is no way for me to have a break. The only family I have here is my mom and my step dad and I would rather not be around my step dad. I know your suggestions are in good intentions, but it's frustrating to read that so many of you have partners, family, friends, and decent professionals to help you through this, when I do not.

Sorry, I am just going crazy, coming on this board was a bad idea..

don't leave, at least we know what you are going through, right? it is hard to get all the facts and offer useful help to someone through internet posts. i can however, offer my sympathies and understanding. my difficult child came to us at 2 so i missed out on his screaming as a baby but i hear he was quite difficult. right from the day we got him he was miserable and seems to hate me still. he has also been tested for 101 different things. he has no physical problems. so whatever it is it's mental. they slap 'autism' on it because he flaps his hands, so that must be it. he is never happy. he cries and screams and glares, he hurts people and himself. so i get all that. the only thing that has helped so far is having him on an anti-psychotic, risperidone. sometimes it's used to treat autistic kids. it's also used to treat psychotic kids, BiPolar (BP), schizophrenia and who knows what else. he is still full of problems and he is still miserable and hard to get along with and does anti-social things BUT it's turned down a notch to the point where i can tolerate him better(although not many other people can) i also beleive my child is psychotic and he has proven it to me by doing horrific things to himself and my other kids to the point i tried to send him into foster care, but they WOULD NOT take him because they had NOONE willing to take him in. i have worried that when he gets bigger he will kill me in my sleep or heaven forbid, one of the other children. i have to put alarms and locks everywhere and make sure he can't even access scissors or pushpins in the walls. i am certain he hates everyone. i know alot of it is sensory issues. i know some of the things he does can be explained away but generally when someone loves you or hates you, you can feel it, in my opinion. he thinks i am the root of all evil and the cause of all his discomforts. his cup leaks, he says i threw water on him. he pees the bed, he says i peed on him. he can't have something he wants, he threatens me. i still have to get up everyday and try again, no matter how hard it may be some days, because it is my job to do whatever i can to help him and to make sure he has whatever he needs until he is 18. (only 12 years left!) as for help...well i have husband but he is not that much help.he cannot stand difficult child most days and i have 3 other kids as well. i have not sitters, i had one litterally run out of my house when i got home and refused to let me pay her. she never came back. i cannot leave him anywhere, with anyone. have you tried respite care? i have yet to try it but the people are trained to care for kids like ours and you can find one with alot of experience. plus you can probably get funding for it and help finding one who fits with your needs. i wish you the best and hope you find some sort of comfort here.
 
L

Liahona

Guest
Most of us don't have experience with Canada. Insane does and ready to run does. I hope you are still here.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Aw, hon, I hope you stay. You've found the best support system you could ever have right here.

I only mentioned the checking out his digestive issues in case you hadn't already. I wasn't suggesting anything else. Just hoping to offer another possible avenue to pursue. I'm glad to hear that at least those issues have been resolved.

The only support I ever had was my husband and this board of fantastic people who cared enough to listen, offer what advice or insights they could (even if sometimes I didn't agree, because you're not going to necessarily agree with every response you get) My family is 2 states away......I was a stay at home mom because no sitter could handle Travis, and I didn't trust him in the hands of a stranger for his own welfare either. Friends, neighbors.....didn't get it unless they were dealing with their own issues and even then they usually didn't get it. husband's family didn't start to get it until my kids were teens, that's a lot of years to wait for support.

We're not experts here. We're parents just like you who care enough that we do whatever we can think of to help our kids. We do our best to listen and support each other, offer advice or information if we think it might help. Here we take what we can use and leave the rest. Because while intentions are good, we can't always "see" the whole picture through the written word and responses we get may not always "fit".

((hugs))

((hugs))
 

buddy

New Member
regarding: the explosive Child and reading about attachment disorder...

The explosive child helped me feel less guilty for sure. It helped me realize that even when people criticized me for letting things go at times (priorities had to be working on safety issues first and to work on everything overwhelms them and the family system...so first priority is to reduce EVERYONES stress! pick only a few things to work on...the "A" basket....it is a great read) Even if Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is not the right diagnosis it seems to cover many of the issues you are discussing so you will likely find things that will be very very helpful in the information.

Regardless of the dagnosis now or ever....what if it is NOT what you think and you give up now? (sounds like you are not giving up because you are here for one and you said giving him up to the system is not an option...bless your heart) You sound like such an amazing person who cares so much (or why would this all bother you?) so it will not hurt to start the spiral back up a little by realizing that there are others of us out here dealing with OUTRAGEOUS behavior from our kids. Believe me, there is not one day I don't have a lonely feeling as a single mom, (not just a feeling, I cry very very often...wonder about if he will end up locked up in jail or a state mental hospital. with criminally insane people forever etc....so easy to catastrophize when things are so serious). And, even though for now I have a pretty good team....it is NEVER perfect and even today I was in the principals office thinking OMGosh, just when I thought it was all good. (the principal went over IEP team's head and decisions and just mucked things up a bit...sigh). I feel like my family, though they love me, just can't get it and they never offer me a break. NOT FOR YEARS. I really do understand and I hope you hear this...it is normal to feel unattached to a child who has a hard time attaching. The thing is that they can't do anything about it and only we can at this point. So whether or not there is hope for our kids the only way we will know is to try. People who specialize in Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) really do understand. One of the symptoms on the list is "angry mother" because it is natural to be angry when you are so rejected by your own child. Remember, years ago moms of kids with autism were called "refrigerator moms" and that was thought to be the cause of autism!
There are methods to work with kids who are not developing attachment or conscience appropriately. It is not hopeless. Especially with a child as young as yours. The brain parts that control those areas are not fully formed until the mid to late 20's. So it is impossible to say this is it, they are who they are at an early age. When you look at symptom lists for a diagnosis, please remember the child does not have to have all of the symptoms to have the disorder or condition. And not everyone meets criteria for something...doesn't mean there isn't a problem. He could have his own issue that is not in the books. Most kids with mental health issues get several diagnosis. over the years. as they grow and change. One reason some docs argue against giving any label is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is better to deal with the symptoms. A label is only useful for billing insurance and getting school and therapy services. The medical books for diagnosing actually have symptoms grouped into sections and people only have to have one or two in each of the sections to meet criteria.

It sounds like you were so great about checking to see what was wrong with him as a baby. I have checked for years to see why my son has anal itching (sorry if it seems like too much information but you will understand). Is it constipation, no...not cleaning right, no, internal issues, no... yeast, worms....no,no no no no. of course a question comes up about sexual abuse. Well since he is supervised all the time and those people-except me- change almost yearly, no. He can't keep a secret anyway even if he is gonna get into trouble so it is really unlikely. It feels awful to think it and worse to have someone else ask me. In addition, I know he is in distress as you knew this with your baby. No baby cries to make you mad. But the screamming and crying can feel very deliberate. My son will wake with itching so intense that he will break things. He yells at me and tells me I am the worst mother ever and he is going to get a knife and cut my throat. STill to this day at age 14 it happens! Just because we test our kids medically doesn't mean they will find the cause of our child's discomfort. Not having a medical test that finds the right answer for things does not mean the pain is not real. Your child could have experienced very real disomfort and there simply was no way to figure out what it was. That is no one's fault. ( and especially with kids who have sensory issues that they are not able to explain because it has always been like this for them. Everything they feel , hear, see, taste, smell is stronger or way too weak...you said he is loud I think??? that is a sign of sensory issues. Kids will try to be louder than the sounds they perceive even if it seems quiet to us. IT looks attention seeking but is often comforting. How food feels in the mouth, going through the tract is not something that can be medically diagnosed....normal burps may have been too much for him.
Please be assured, it seems for everyone here (but I can't speak for them) and for sure for me, If I offer a suggestion I am fine with you tossing it out. In such a desperate situation it is natural to want to help, it is not in any way meaning you hadn't thought of that first or that it is a better thought than what you have thought. It is all because I care and so truly understand being in the depths of despare over what seems like and impossible situation. I mean what the heck, you have a child and think it will be a certain way (even with "special needs" you expect love and fun at times)...and to find out it is a totally different life. I love a quote I read in one of the Chicken Soup books....When our kids deserve our love the least is when they need the most. It helps me during the times like when a full peanut butter jar flies through the air and I have a huge bump on my forehead while at the same time the tv is being pushed over and broken.

I hope if you can only do one thing, you will give yourself a break. Not meaning a going out kind of break if that is not doable but a break in the blaming yourself deal. There are a million reasons he could have these problems and you may never know why. The only option is to push forward but take it easy on yourself. Try to stop yourself from asking people what is wrong with you because I really believe, at least for me, that what I say and think affects my feelings and my actions. Maybe tell yourself out loud the things we are saying to you...write it out if you need to? Just do this one thing to start your thinking on a different path. Our brains are like roads and we get used to one route...maybe you can try to take a different road when you are thinking about blaming yourself. I have had to force myself to do that many many times. I really truly do admire that you got here when he is so young. I didn't find this until now and my son is 14! There really is hope. A tough ride maybe, but for sure there is hope.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Actually, there's quite a few others on the board from Canada, too. It shows up from time to time... but not everyone puts something obvious in their "location". Definitely a number of members in Ontario, specifically - but not all of us are from there either.

This is truely an international scene - other locations represented that I'm aware of include France, Israel, and Austrailia. Some things are more country-specific - like education law, for one, and specifics of health care systems - but other things are definitely far more defined by specific difficult child traits.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
The meeting with the school turned out to be OKAY...but the worst part about it is, they want to send him in the morning, see how he does until recess and then send him home for a time out if he's not doing well, and then have me send him back after lunch, see how he does, if he needs a time out send him home and so on and so on

Hmmm....
Is he mainstreamed? if so, then if he's not doing well, there should be somewhere else in the school that he can go - rather than home. Even if he isn't mainstreamed, there should be an alternate location... even if for right now you need to be the person supervising him in that alternate in-school location, it is still better than "home".

As far as falling behind - school needs to make sure he is covering all the bases, but at this age it isn't all that hard to catch up - someone has said that the foundation skills can be taught in under 2 hours a day - reading, writing, basic math. So... they should be able to cover that. Means figuring out what his schedule is, and adjusting the class schedule so that the throw-away subects are when he is more likely to have trouble... PE, art, music, story time, etc. Not that those have no value - don't get me wrong - but in the big scheme of things, you can't "fall behind" in PE!
 
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Liahona

Guest
:hugs: Glad the school mtg went better than you thought it did. difficult child 1 also will mis-behave to get to go home or to get me to come to school. Some schools have to learn the hard way. Would they let you stay at a room in the school? Do they have a time out room? Not every school does. I hope you live close to the school.
 

ready2run

New Member
eatpraytravel said:
Again thank you to everyone for their understanding and support. I know I must sound like a wreck, and I am!!

Ready2run,

. :-( How do you cope? What do you find relaxes you and makes you happy on a day to day basis? .

firstly, the alarm on his door gives me peace of mind, i know where he is at night and that everyone is safe. for a time i slept outside his bedroom, then i had a lock on the door which i found out was illegal so on to the alarm, which works because of his sensory issues he is afraid to open the door. i sleep with my other kids in the master bedroom. i know this is not ideal but difficult child and husband have their own rooms, the rest of us share the master so there are bunkbeds in there and i feel safe because i know where everyone is and difficult child is across the hall so i know what is going on with him. to relax i sew.(a i opted to use the smallest room for a sewing room because i need to be able to lock the door to keep little hands out of my stuff. i also paint and draw but i don't i find sewing easier as i can just drop it and go if need be. i make one 'social' phone call a day. usually to my mother, i have one friend i can phone too but i rarely see her and she is usually at work or at her kids hockey/ballet stuff.
i find comfort in the fact that i am not at fault here. i am not the cause of it and i can't cure it. i detach in that way, so that i don't take it personally anymore. this takes practice. i also take comfort in the fact that difficult child is mentally ill. sounds silly, but it's true. he isn't chosing to be like that. he doesn't know how to be different. he doesn't know how to be normal, he can't and if he could, he probably would because it would make his life easier. so i try not to blame him. correct him, yes. guide him, yes. be consistant and make sure to draw the line firmly where needed but know that it's not really his fault he is like that. i'm sure he did not want to be born that way. i try to be accomodating to him in any way i can when it comes to providing him things that comfort him as long as it isn't hurting anyone else.
i find alot of support online. husband is a 'gamer' so that's what he does most of the time and i don't find much support there other than having someone to help cook dinner or do the dishes.
eatpraytravel said:
Anyway, I just had such a rough week and yes, that is why I landed up here, and I really appreciate everyone's advice...I have done and tried pretty much everything that everyone has suggested, but the most comfort right now is knowing that other parents are getting through this too and surviving!! Most days I feel like I'm ready to give up on my own life, so it's good to know that you can and will get through it. No easy road, but you will get through it.

i found this place on a similar week. :) there are good days, and rough days. everyone has them, we just feel them a little more i think. i feel like that sometimes, but there is no giving up. i can't. it's my job and like it or not i have to keep trying and hoping for the best, dealing with the rest. we mothers have alot of inner strength and the more we struggle the more that will grow. don't get me wrong, i often find myself sobbing in the middle of the night or wishing i could pull the blanket over my head and go back to sleep and that's okay, it's natural. we just have to get up in the morning and try to wipe the slate clean and give the difficult child's a fresh start to make the right choices.
eatpraytravel said:
Buddy,

Thank you for taking the time to write such a nice message...I love the line when our kids deserve our love the least is when they need it the most.. It's weird that I just never thought about that quite this way until you said that. I think that line will really help me to get through.

It sounds like you have a really tough life with your 14 year old as well and I hope you are doing okay..I do think my son has a lot of sensory issues so that definitely needs to be checked out. Today I went over everything with my behavioral therapist and we decided to get a second opinion from another psychologist, and work on his attachment issues more regularly. The meeting with the school turned out to be OKAY...but the worst part about it is, they want to send him in the morning, see how he does until recess and then send him home for a time out if he's not doing well, and then have me send him back after lunch, see how he does, if he needs a time out send him home and so on and so on.. The issue I have with this is #1 I have no life. Sitting at home waiting for a phone call that may or may not happen will be frustrating at the least. Secondly, he's a smart boy. He doesn't LIKE school at all. So if he learns that misbehavior gets him sent home....GUESS WHAT? He's going to misbehave. Duh. I am just so fed up in dealing with systems here that have so little or no support and are understaffed to meet the children's needs. Furthermore, cutting his education in half is going to make things more difficult down the road. He will be so angry and frustrated if the other kids are more ahead of him in schooling and he's fallen behind. It just makes no sense from my standpoint.

you need to be involved in the school meetings. make sure they know that you need to be there. you need to be there to add your ideas and input. my difficult child is on a modified time-table and he doesn't follow the provincial curriculum. there are pro's and con's to that. it sounds like the school needs to be supplying him with an ea and making sure he has a quiet time spot in school to go to. i would make clear that home time in the middle of the day is not acceptable if you don't like it. i take my difficult child and i stay with him for his 100 minutes if he can last that long, and then we go home. we are going to increase it as time goes on. the school needs time to get used to him as it's his first year there. he was attending full time at his old school. i wouldnt worry as much about falling behind because working on an individual curriculum means he will be able to catch up if you can get his behaviour in check. if you can't he's not going to be successful at learning while he is there anyways, smart or not. or so i'm told. psychiatrist says the brain can't learn when difficult child is in a flight or fight mode which he is when he is doing his 'stuff'.
 

buddy

New Member
eatpraytravel said:
but the worst part about it is, they want to send him in the morning, see how he does until recess and then send him home for a time out if he's not doing well, and then have me send him back after lunch, see how he does, if he needs a time out send him home and so on and so on.. The issue I have with this is #1 I have no life. Sitting at home waiting for a phone call that may or may not happen will be frustrating at the least. Secondly, he's a smart boy. He doesn't LIKE school at all. So if he learns that misbehavior gets him sent home....GUESS WHAT? He's going to misbehave. Duh. I am just so fed up in dealing with systems here that have so little or no support and are understaffed to meet the children's needs. Furthermore, cutting his education in half is going to make things more difficult down the road. He will be so angry and frustrated if the other kids are more ahead of him in schooling and he's fallen behind. It just makes no sense from my standpoint.

Smart mama! This is where an IEP (individual education plan) really does pay off. If he has that, then you can have appropriate accomodations that are legally binding. What works for many kids, including my son, is planned sensory breaks. These are regular times scheduled in the school, in a section of the class or in a gym or a special sensory room that is set up...or even going for a walk/trike ride in the halls or around the school (with staff of course). The types of things to do during the break would depend on the assessment from the Occupational Therapist (OT) (occupational threrapist) which would show if he needs to do heavy lifting kinds of activities, have pressure (climbing under heavy mats, wearing a weighted or pressure vest, playing catch or roll the super heavy therapy ball...or needs to listen to music, or needs to look out a window an count planes, tee hee you are getting a picture of my kid here, smile.....but there are many options.
It is important not to let this kind of thing morph into ....he gets a sensory break ONLY when a negative behavior happens because either they will seek it by increasing the behaviors (as you so wisely saw) or they will look at the sensory break as a punishment and refuse to cooperate (how often has anyone heard....YOU NEED A BREAK! GO TO THE SENSORY ROOM! ....???) That defeats the purpose, it is not a time out, it is a break to help a child who can't regulate themselves neurologically to do so. It is like medicine, and any staff who thinks a child is being rewarded for "bad behavior" needs a big old inservice.

so glad you hung in there with us. we are all just plodding through! Please take care of yourself, I am thinking of you and checking often.
 

buddy

New Member
Oh, sorry, I keep forgetting it is not a USA situation...how egocentric of ME! I must have caught that from difficult child! What is the equivalent in Canada? Is there something? I went to grad school with a woman from ThunderBay and I know she planned to work in the schools so there must be some kind of procedures, right? Sorry I am not up on that....regardless, the sensory break thing can be a discussion point....

edit of this post...so I did some digging because you got me curious....I see now each province has its own sp. ed. law. So which province are you in? It seems the one common Canadian education law is realted t disability rights and all kids are to be offered appropriate education etc. like we have here.

So under Ontario I see many similarities...(I dont know your area, and of course you dont need to tell us)....an individual education plan must be written etc. Not sure of the legal responsibilities they have of course but at least the intent to individualize is there...sigh. I will be interested to hear how this is run with you, lots to dig through, huh?
 
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Dianne E.

New Member
There are parents in your situation with both younger and teen "fledgling Psychopaths. I think you will find some information in the Resource Section. Conduct disorder is just another way to say Psychopath until the child is legally old enough to be officially diagnosed which differs by country.

www.psychopath-research.com
 

Malika

Well-Known Member
Hello ept. My own 2 cents' worth is that I really would be wary of labels such as "psychopath" at this very early stage of the game... What people see us as is largely what we become. I don't think it's helpful to you or to your child. He has very damaging and distressing behaviours. There are people who understand those without judgement and can help, slowly I imagine, transform them, perhaps with the aid of medications. We cannot write children off at the age of six (I know you're not writing off your child!) - this makes a nonsense of all we understand about humans and their development.
 

ready2run

New Member
eatpraytravel said:
I just don't know how you all do it, devoting entire days to staying at the schools and going home to take care of other kids, jobs or running businesses, etc. Do any of you have problems with your mental health?

we all struggle. i personally had to give up something and my career was it. i couldn't do everything. my main focus is kids, kids, kids 24/7. i understand what you mean about putting one kids needs before the others and my other kids are obviously effected by having a difficult child in the home. you should phone around and find respite care for 'stevie'. where is biodad? should he not be able to help or step in and take stevie for half the time? i know that can't always happen but if you could work that out it would be good for your sanity.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
I just don't know how you all do it, devoting entire days to staying at the schools and going home to take care of other kids, jobs or running businesses, etc. Do any of you have problems with your mental health?

<smile>

Oh ya. That's where my 'handle' comes from. Seriously... at the worst point (multiple years of this) I was working 6-8 hrs a day, plus running the household, dealing with medical appts, school meetings, etc. - and then on top of it, doing 4-6 hours of research a day trying to figure this out... which meant that lots of nights, I got 4 hours of sleep. Totally insane. I'm probably going to pay for it in the long run.

I have no idea how we actually do this. Its one day at a time. Grab moments of sanity when you can (mine at least would sleep - so once everyone else was sleeping, I could grab a nice bubble-bath or a positive-messages book...). These micro-breaks are something other parents here to, too... the dog-walk. The gym - although that takes too much time. You need tiny fragments of time "just for you".

Don't blame you for not wanting to be the "fall-back" plan. Haven't had to go that far myself, so no specific strategies... but - somehow, school has to find the answers.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
I will second LDM and suggest you record him (voice of video) so you do not have to worry anymore about someone blaming you. It if VERY common for difficult children to be able to hold it together for others and let it out on the ones that love them most - us! My difficult child held it together for 6 months at her dad's house after I moved her there to see if a different school helped. Boy did they have an eye opener when she let loose!

Anyway, recording him is a good way for people to believe you and for them to get started on figuring your little guy out. He is very complex. I have been here for 9 years, I think, and your son is 1 of only 5 or 6 I can recall being sort of scary. So, yes, this is a serious child here. And I for one, would want him in a residential treatment facility. I do NOT believe he can be parented in a traditional setting. So, squash your fears of not being a good mom because I do not think Mother Teresa could feel like a good mom with this child. He does not need a mom. He needs a Doctor. Sorry if that is painful to hear.

HUGS!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I agree that you need him in school alone so that you can keep your sanity. It's their job to get an aide for him if he is unmanageable.

I also agree that if he needs Residential Treatment Center (RTC), go for it. His behaviors are so severe that I doubt anyone could handle them long term. If there is help to be had, he should get it there. I adopted a child who ended up with Severe REactive Attachment Disorder/Conduct Disorder/impending antisocial personality disorder. He was only 11 when we got him, but he was so dangerous to my other kids and our animals that CPS took him at 13. He could not live in a family. Although he spent years in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), in his case, he did not get better. Now he is out on his own and a risk to society...I feel for you, understand you, and believe you.
 

ready2run

New Member
Hoping you have a husband you can fall back on! I do not.. :-( His bio-dad is not that involved other than stepping in to watch them while I am away at business functions sometimes. He is not very mature and still lives in his parents basement at 47 years old. He is extremely self absorbed and often tells me to give them ALL up for adoption. He's just not someone I can turn to for help unfortunately. Although I don't agree with his lifestyle and views, I have learned to accept that he is going to be this way forever.

i am actually on a disability pension right now(for stress if you can beleive it..lol!) you are right, it's not much but it's enough to get by on for now and there wasn't really any other option, husband as i said is not that helpful. sounds alot like your ex only he is in my basement and he comes up now and then to do some chores and blame me for the kids 'being like that'. it's hard to beleive there is no respite available... is there no other agencies that can help out other than family services, like something geared towards mental health issues. we have something here called family services but they are not the same as what the states has that they call family services. here it is more like a counsellor who offers advice, helps with school stuff or dr appointments if needed and helps set up accomodations for difficult child at day camp or sports(none of which he's in at the moment).
 
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