I believe she will place baby with-adoptive parents

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by C.J., Feb 21, 2009.

  1. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Short history: N* is pregnant, 4 possible sperm donors who have scattered to the winds, quit high school twice, no GED, no driver's license, no car, no money. She is living with me, and is covered by my insurance until she turns 19. I told N* if she decided to keep the baby and raise it, she would have to move into a home of her own. N*'s due date is late spring, and for the last two months has not done squat about her future. I've been detached - not managing things for her - not riding her case about getting something done or arranged.

    Her older brother and I talked the week before and asked me what N*'s plans were. I told him the carp she tells anyone who asks her this same question, "I'm exploring all my options so that I can make an informed adult decision." Sounds good, doesn't it? Except up to that point, she has not explored all her options. We met with a social worker in January who gave her names, phone numbers, web sites, state and county services, etc. N* did nothing with the list.

    Her older brother and I have similar personalities - driven, get information, deliberate options, make a plan, get it done....

    N* adores her older brother. She took it very hard when he went to live with his dad, and she came to live with me. We tried to get the kids together as often as possible, but still, it wasn't as often as she would have liked.

    Brother asked me if I thought she'd agree to go to dinner with us (he and his wife, and me) so that we could discuss what she was doing. I told him I'd ask, but not to expect her to cooperate. Can I just say how impressed I am of this 23 year old young man? When we got to the restaurant, he told her we all loved her, and we all wanted what was best for her and the baby, and no matter what her decision was, we would continue to love her.

    He went on to say that when he and his wife found out she was pregnant, they too were not really ready to be parents, but they have both worked hard, have decent jobs, reliable autos, and bought a little house last year. He said he thought babies are not that big a deal - he'd helped take care of N* when she was little...HA! He told her he had NO CLUE how hard it was to have a baby to care for full time.

    He then asked about her plans, and when she gave her infamous line, he said - "You are running out of time, and I know you procrastinate. Have you talked to the county yet? No, why not?" Brother and wife relied on state and county services when she was pregnant, because she did not have health insurance and they were not married yet. Wife offered to take N* ti visit county on Thursday. N* agreed.

    On Thursday, she tried to get out of going (procrastination) and Wife said, "Get in the car, you're going. Since I have to work Saturday, this is my only afternoon off for another two weeks, CJ (me) cannot get off next week to take you, and you CANNOT wait that long."

    N* found out that waiting list for low income housing is 2.5 years. She qualifies now for food stamps (which we don't need - I can afford to feed her) and a cash payment of less than $200 per month. If she keeps baby, the cash and food stamps will double. Wife asked her if she truly wanted to raise her baby the same way her mother raised her and older Brother - welfare, and more importantly, no dad. Wife said N* cried for a long time. I think she made the break through that we've all been waiting for. N* knows she's not ready now to be a full time mother, and if she had it tough growing up without a father, how would she one day explain to her son he didn't need one either?

    I've learned a lot from all of you on this site - and you've modelled strength, courage and wisdom. It was hard to tell N* she could not stay her and raise the baby in my home, as I know how she'd use the baby to try to manipulate me to give up my plans to return to school, do some long over due home repairs and upgrades, and more importantly, take some time for myself. I'm now waiting for the eventual blow up that I'm the one who is responsible for making her give up her baby for adoption. I will detach...I will detach...I will detach...
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I read fast...probably missed a few things...but what I got sounded good on your end.
    Sounds like you are getting support from your adult son and you are making good decisions with- reference to your daughter.
    Good to hear that a social worker is in the picture.
    Can you get to a Families Anonymous group or something similar to it?
    Detaching sounds like a good plan...as well as doing the things you've been planing on doing for yourself. Stay the course.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Detaching is a good idea.

    I was wondering......if she does want to keep the baby.....is there any way you can get her motivated to get the job, license, and car ect.? Even if it's by doing what daughter in law did and taking her by the hand and dragging her to each place?

    Nichole has done well on her steps toward independence.....but at first I had to really push her toward each step, even if it meant going with her and standing there to make sure it got done. Along the way she began to gain confidence in herself and started to do the steps on her own.

    Even if she decides to give up the baby.....these are steps she will have to take toward adulthood anyway. So it would be a win/win situation.

    I hope difficult child knows what a wonderful big brother she has.

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    N's Big Bro and his wife sound like great supports for both you and N. I am glad the wife forced N to go. I hope N does decide to give up the baby, she simply does not sound like she is in any way ready to be a mom.

    Detaching is hard. You are doing a really good job of it. Be proud of yourself.
  5. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    I will look into Families Anonymous - good idea.

    Regarding N* keeping the baby to raise it herself....not a good idea. She's a lot of talk, and not a lot of follow through. Even though she quit alternative high school last spring, she did re-enroll for this semester. She went three days and quit again. She's been saying for two months, "I'm going to call social services. I'm going to take the child development classes at the pregnancy center. I'm going to check on the next GED program." When asked how any of these are coming....she says she's not feeling well, can't find the paper, I don't want to talk about this now.

    Brother, Wife and I did discuss with N* that we'd like to see her begin to study for the GED - there are classes at a nearby library through the local community college. Very inexpensive. She said she didn't want to stress herself out for the duration of her pregnancy. Reading is stress? There's no time restrictions - just review and study. She's not doing anything else, but sitting on her arse here at home. I'd be thrilled to see her do 30 minutes of anything around the house - put the dishes away, run the vacuum, brush the dog, do a load of laundry - ANYTHING!! I mentioned getting out the house would help with her emotional health. Sorry I mentioned that now - she said something about me never being pregnant, and how I wouldn't understand... (Detaching, detaching, thinking how I'd love to tell her about having more respect for myself than having sex with multiple partners in 1 week's time, detaching again...)

    Brother and Wife suggested N* use the money she will receive from the state to save to buy a "beater" car. (N* wanted to know if I'd turn her cell phone back on when she got her money from the state - but wanted to buy a different phone, because the CAMERA PHONE I BOUGHT FOR HER S*****.) Funny - she has a phone which works perfectly well, but she WANTS something better, and is willing to use the very limited resource she will receive to get what she WANTS.

    This GIRL is not ready to be the MOTHER this child not only needs, but deserves.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you think she is really open to adoption, my suggestion, as a four time adoptive mom, is to put her in touch with a reputable adoption agency. I can't imagine her having a good experience with the county. With an adoption agency she can pick out the parents herself and most now have some openness so she can see how the baby is doing. They include counseling for the birthmother so she can actually make the decision as so many girls change their minds at the last minute. You can't relinquish a child in a healthy way without a lot of counseling, even if you know it is best for the baby. She may be more willing if she meets the adoptive parents and is promised some level of contact, which is pretty much the norm. Social Services (we adopted through them once) is another ball of wax. The birthmother has no say as to where he baby goes and who raises it. Most of their kids are there because of parental termination. Just a suggestion.
    I wish all of you good luck!
  7. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    I admire your strength, it's tough to detach in this situation but you're doing the right thing.
  8. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I admire you too and I think you are right--the best thing for everyone, mostly the baby, is to put him/her up for adoption. N does not sound in any way ready for a baby and I think you are so strong to be able to say no to her staying with you since you know you would be the one raising the baby.

  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I have to agree with the others, your strength is a marvel to me. Good for you not getting wrapped up in the emotional aspect and remaining focused to do what is right for the baby.

    I know there are many young adults who have babies on their own and do fine, grow up fast, learn what they have to do and re-set their priorities. But it is still a great risk - would N be one of those that can grow up fast? Or would she still be hightailing out of there, leaving the baby with who knows who?

    I agree that you should put her in touch with adoption agencies and and really push her in that direction. I am pretty sure Planned Parenthood and BirthRight are two organizations that can help you in that regard - look into it. Hugs and hang in there.
  10. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    N* and I have met with a social worker who specializes in private adoptions. She was recommended to us from a couple at my church who have adopted. N* has contact numbers for an attorney who represents birth mothers, and has been invited to join a birth mom support group that the social worker organizes.

    N* and I were watching a TV program last night - story line included a scene of a mother cooing to her newborn. N* lost it. She cried for an hour. I held her, and let her cry. I cried with her too. I told her I loved her, that I knew how much she loved her little guy, that I respected her decision to give this child life, and to give this child the two parent family she didn't get. I told her I knew it would be hard, but she wouldn't be alone. I told her there was a couple out there she's never met who pray for her everyday. Their families and friends are praying for her, too. I stayed with her in her room last night until she finally fell asleep - praying that she some day finds peace in her soul.

    I hope she decides to call the social worker today - just to talk. She really connected with this woman when we met her last month.

    Thank you all for your concern.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I don't have any advice - I just wanted to add my prayers to others and sometime when you can hug that porcupine? Give her a big hug from her cyber Auntie Star. I'm living proof that adoptees are fantastic people.
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    CJ, I am sure that your heart is breaking over all this. I am so very sorry for your and your daughter's pain. I am an adoptive mother and I love my adopted children with the same intensity that I love my birth children. Your daughter's child will be loved and cared for and eventhough she willnot be a part of his life I can honestly say that the adopted mom will be eternally grateful for your daughter's sacrifice. (((HUGS))) -RM
  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    My sister adopted a little girl years ago. I don't quite understand how it worked, but did know that the bio mom recieved several letters to choose from. She chose my sister since her baby would have 3 older brothers to protect her. Among many other good things.

    Anyway, my sister went to meet the mother in a near by town. Bio mom was 19 years old. Single and scared. She was with her mom for the meeting. Bio mom was raised in a wealthy lifestyle. However, when she became pregnant her parents told her she had to leave. Took her to social services, helped her find an apartment and that was it. Bio mom wanted to keep the baby. When baby was 5 months old, she realized it was so much harder than she thought. She chose my sister for her babies mother. She also gave my sister a letter and asked that she give it to her daughter when she was 16.
    the letter stated how much she loves her. How much she wants her to have in life, and she is not capable of giving that to her. She told her the circumstances of her adoption. Not that she didn't want her or didn't love her. that she wanted her to have so much more. The letter was well written. She stated if she ever decides to find her, contact her she would be so excited. But she also stated she would not contact her or try to find her.
    My niece just turned 25 years old. She is not at the point to find her bio mom. She loves her family and is very happy with her life. Some day, maybe.

    Maybe N needs to be on her own. Always remind her even if she choses to keep the baby, that at any point if she is overwhelmed there are always choices and always help. I can not imagine the selflessness of someone wanting so much for a child that they can give it up for the better of the child. That takes more strength than I can imagine.

    I hope she is considering all options. And I am sure whatever her decision, things will work out ok.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    CJ, wow, that is so hard. It is an agonizing decision.

    by the way, just watching a mom cooing to her baby on TV is not enough to ensure that N* will place the baby. It just means that she's in turmoil. But I'm sure you know that.

    I am glad that you contacted a SW and private agency, or at least, that you are not going through the county. The baby should be placed immediately after birth, rather than in foster care, to ensure good bonding. That is something N* will have to discuss with-a therapist and SW. Most private agencies require counseling. Those who turn down counseling rarely place their babies, FWIW, because they haven't thought it all through completely.

    Would she be able to do it on her own? I can't tell if her lack of motivation is situational depression or if she was always like that. I just worry that she'd have serious problems on her own.

    I've got my fingers crossed for everyone involved.