I called the police last night ...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Jan 22, 2010.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Of course, the "spat" was over my son doing his homework ... mostly the fact that he left it to the last minute.

    I have been spending a lot of time with-my 81-yr-old cousin and I neglected to check the planner over the weekend. My difficult child needs help every step of the way, and I thought the tutor was helping with-that, but somehow this slipped through the cracks.

    I offered to help print out photos from the Internet for his project on erosion. No matter what I clicked on, he shouted that he hated it and it wasn't relevant. You know when you can tell that the whole thing is going go bust? I got angry and yelled, fine, leave my office. My thought was that I would print out the pictures, put them on the kitchen table, and send him to bed, so he could work on it in the a.m. He could choose what he wanted, draw the rest, and he could type the rest in the a.m.

    You know how I'm always complaining that husband ignores the situation when difficult child is disrespectful? Never comes to my rescue? I think he totalled all of the past situations and rolled them into one. He came running, and got into it with-difficult child, starting with-a shouting match (difficult child was calling me a b*tch, etc) and then they got physical. They ended up in our bedroom, and from my end, on the other side of the door, all I could hear was difficult child shouting and crying, for 2 min. straight, "Stop! No, no, no, no!" I imagined husband pulverizing him. (Turns out he was holding his arms back, which was escalating the situation. Sigh.) Then I heard a thump and a body going down the 3 steps in the bedroom and difficult child screaming his head off.

    That's when I called the police. I thought, if I get in the middle of it, it will just get worse. And I've had it. I'm the one in Alanon. I'm the one in counseling. I'm the one learning detachment because it's all because I can't handle the situation. But here is proof positive that husband can't handle it and needs help and new tools.

    The police took a full 20 min. to show up, by which time things had calmed down. husband was holding an ice pack to difficult child's nose and difficult child was sobbing uncontrollably.

    I gave the police a brief synopsis of difficult child's background (they asked if he'd ever been to juv det, hospitalized, was on medications, in counseling, etc.) and I told them how the situation had escalated. They said there wasn't much they could do at that point but asked if they should talk to husband and difficult child and I said yes.

    They went upstairs and spoke quietly for a few min. and then we left difficult child and husband, and talked b4 they left. Apparently one of the officers knows husband from the gym, and I said, "Can you please drop a hint or outright tell him to go to counseling to learn detachment?" He chuckled and said he'd see what he could do.

    Now that I think about it, I think that officer is a patient of husband's, and this puts them in a role reversal. How awkward.

    The good news is that husband admitted to me that difficult child is a teenager and a big guy now, and physical confrontations are not working, so he needs new tools.

    difficult child woke up with-a roaring headache and I'm letting him go to school late, but not with-o doing the poster/report. I'm just taking it slowly.
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Sounds like a stressful evening all around...


    Hope husband gets the "hint" about counseling for himself.

  3. NeeNee

    NeeNee New Member

  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Ugh. You know we came very close to what you went through, so I can fully appreciate the situation. At least you were able to keep your distance from the fracas and be safe. Did difficult child get hurt going down the stairs? Wonder if that's part of the reason his head hurts this morning. How is husband today?
  5. maril

    maril New Member

    I've called the police a number of times in the past when things have escalated and my guys have lost control, as I knew trying to intercede would be a waste of time. Plus, I had been hurt when trying to step in during their fights in the past (yeah, I'm not too smart). :faint:

    There is hope. Over time and with intervention, behaviors have improved around here. It is not perfect, but there have been no police here for the past 10 months. There was one episode over the holidays where the crisis intervention team came to our home (I called) and there was a positive ending (thank goodness!).

    Kudos to you for your willingness to detach and seek outside support, which I hope is very helpful. Hugs! :peaceful:
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.

    Yes, I think what happened is that once husband let go of difficult child's arms, difficult child jerked back and fell down the 3 steps and hit his face/nose, ala Rett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara when she had her miscarriage. (What an image, LOL!)

    Meanwhile, I'm going to make an appointment so husband and I can come up with-some more tools ... I think we should start with-the child psychologist and make a separate appointment just for the 2 of us. We need to talk about his lack of respect for us when difficult child is at the next appointment. There just aren't enough hrs in the day!

    Just a little while ago, I gave difficult child the TV cord and he wanted to keep his small PSP, too. I told him no, he could charge it in the hallway. One electronic at a time, and I want to supervise its use.
    difficult child argued that I could see it being charged up on his bed when I walked by. Not the point, I said. Put it in the hall.
    difficult child pestered me and pestered me and his voice rose and he started to shout and block the door.
    Oh, no, here we go again.
    And husband isn't here this time.
    But somehow I was able to get difficult child to plug in the device in the hall, and difficult child was still angry and calling me names, but he did it.
    Clearly, he didn't learn anything about respect and not calling me names last night.
    I feel like the whole thing was wasted.
    WE get it. HE doesn't.
  7. ML

    ML Guest

    You did good calling the cops, Terry. And maybe it will be a catalyst for husband to realize he needs to find new tools. Sending my hugs and support.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You handled it very wisely, in my opinion.

    Sending hugs to all.
  9. horserider

    horserider New Member

    I know how hard it is when our difficult child's continually talk to us with disrespect/swearing. The emotional abuse is hard. I agree, you did the right thing.

    Hugs and support
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs.
  11. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    You did a great job and it sounded like you made the decision to call the police in a healthy, detached manner (not that you need to be detached to call the police, but your words "I thought" in your post make me think you are doing a great job in progressing toward detachment). Detachment is a big issue for me too -- I too am working through it and making progress. It's baby steps.

    We too have had the law here a couple of times over the past couple of months.

    It's hard and scary for me when the aggression gets so loud. My son's (gfgA) voice is extremely loud and harsh. I get very anxious. I have a meditation practice and I was meditating today when some verbal violence broke out. It was pretty interesting to observe, from that place of detachment, all the responses that the violence provoked in my body. OMG. I couldn't believe how strong the urge was to jump up and handle the situation (I didn't).

    Also very good for your husband to learn from a real-life situation. Sounds like he had quite a bit of anger built up -- hope he gets some relief from his anger and grief with some counseling.

    Lots of hugs.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2010
  12. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    What a night! I do hope the police did start a seed of respect. Remember, the name calling has become a habit. When he gets overly angry, he falls into a learned routine. It will take time to break. I will sometimes say, "That is not the words you want to use at the moment." or "You are not to call me that" to remind difficult child to think about what he is blurting out.

    Our sons do sound a lot a like. What great difficult child logic of "you can see it from the hall". I swear that these kids make the best attorneys. I know I would want one on my side if I ever committed a horrendous crime - they can talk their way out of and into anything! They would make the most convincing arguement of why I am not at fault.

    Today difficult child kept saying over and over, "I haven't heard a good reason!" The reason was because it was his responsibility but because he did not like that answer he was determined to wait for one less appropriate to meet his wishes.
  13. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    You must be so drained from such an emotional evening.
  14. BeyondWeary

    BeyondWeary New Member

    Sigh - I have seen this similar situation 3 times too many in my home, except my husband husband (ex-cop) disabled the difficult child quickly. It was scary! THE difficult child WAS NOT HURT. No, I do not think detachment is the main key - They scream at you for a reason and they get physical for a reason - detaching makes mine scream more! Nobody should endure the continued ABUSE of the difficult child's! I think when it gets physical, it is time to remove the difficult child - mine is in a Residential Treatment Center.

    My husband works out-of-state, and when my 200 lb + difficult child went into a R A G E, I would say "Stop" "Stop" "Go to your room to calm down." - If he didn't and he got worse, I left the house for awhile! I have lived this way for the last 3 years before putting him in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)!!!

    Maybe your husband should ask the cop for ways to disable the boy the way the police/prison guards do! Or just leave for awhile.

    Isn't this just the worst nightmare? I can't stand it.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all!

    "I haven't heard a good reason!"

    Oh, wow, THAT is SO my son!

    Yes, they are going to be attorneys. If they ever make it through school.

    Barney'smom, interesting about the meditation aspect. I try to pretend that difficult child is a TV show but the problem is, I can't turn down the volume, and what kind of TV gets in your face and spits?!

    difficult child has always been very kinesthetic, and now that he's in football, he's really good at blocking. He narrows in on one opponent and it's like Bambi and Godzilla. (If you haven't seen that old cartoon, it's a 30-sec flick where Bambi is feeding in the forest, butterflies all around, chirping birds, soft music, and then from the top of the frame, a HUGE foot comes down--KABOOM! No more Bambi. Sick humor. We laughed ourselves silly in college.) At any rate, there is no escape when difficult child decides to hone in on you.

    At the moment I'm not scared. Just weary.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    by the way, after I called the police, and had to prevent myself from going into the bedroom, I found that one good way to deal with an adrenaline rush is to put away 2 wks' worth of laundry: 6 trips up the stairs, 2 trips to the laundry room, 4 trips to the DR table. I looked like a hyped-up chipmunk. Time well spent, LOL!