I called the Sheriff.

[HopeRemains]

difficult child has taken to bullying me worse lately (which he always has, to a point, but he is a BIG boy now and smarter; he's knows more of which buttons to push). One day last week he began with refusing to go into a timeout. I don't know why sometimes he goes fine, and about every 5th time he tells me NO! and decides he is going to terrorize me. He hit me 3 times over the course of 30 minutes, followed me around the house yelling mean things at me. He'd go out of his way to walk past me just to elbow me or shove me and say "Get out of my way" or "move". I went into the bathroom to get a diaper for my youngest, difficult child blocks our small hallway, red faced, chest puffed out, glaring at me. Challenging me. He was looking for a fight that I wasn't giving him. I stood there for a moment, said excuse me, changed nothing. In the end, I had to just kind of shove past him sideways. He grabbed onto me but I just kept walking. (As soon as husband got home, difficult child shouted to him that I had "pushed him into the wall" and that now he had a headache.) difficult child is now behind me screaming "just WAIT until I tell my Mother!!!" and all kinds of other things. I get my younger son dressed and go out on the porch (door open) to just gather myself. difficult child is enraged that I am ignoring his behavior. He slams the door and locks us out of the house. Thankfully husband gets home soon. But he doesn't have the door key. He knocks and asks difficult child to open the door, but difficult child yells that he will not. husband has to crawl through the front window.

A couple of days later, the same scene was unfolding, hitting and he threw a football at my head. I finally just called the Sheriff because I'd told him I would have to if he didn't stop the hitting and husband was 2 hours away at work. While on the phone with dispatch, difficult child is right behind me telling me "But you LOVE me! I'm your little precious, Mommy! You LOVE me!" trying to get me not to call. As soon as the phone was hung up he started the angry screaming, but did go to his room after about 5 minutes. The Sheriffs were nice, had a talk about respect with him, made him promise they wouldn't have to come back out. It worked for the night, but I could tell it didn't have the effect on him that I was hoping for. He hasn't hit me yet since then, but I can see it boiling under the surface and it will not be long before it happens again.

Yesterday he was nothing but disrespectful talking to me after school. He hit his brother which is an automatic 15 minute timeout. In his room he was still yelling. I don't remember right now what he did then, but I told him after his timeout he was going to have to pick up his room before he could finish watching the movie with us. So I took the little one into the shower with me and locked the door because I had a feeling difficult child was going to try to get in just to yell and I am also trying to teach him my personal boundries. (He makes a point to come into the bathroom every time I am in there, or my bedroom when I am getting dressed.) Halfway through my shower, I hear, "Hi, Mom" in a snide voice. I look out and he is at the toilet doing his business. I tell him in no uncertain terms to leave the bathroom. He pulls out the bobby pin he'd used to pick the lock and gives me a "Who's the boss NOW?" look and leaves the bathroom.

I just don't know what to do. His actions are getting more and more bold. He is getting bigger and bigger. I am going to lose my mind. His new therapist is great, but has no answers for me on how to handle these situations and husband doesn't get that I am a prisoner in my home. It's embarassing to feel so victimized by an 8 yr old! People think, he's only 8, deal with it. But it is so much more than that emotionally and mentally. I feel like I'm at my rope's end only to realize that tomorrow is the last day of school before a long, long summer. =(

 

[buddy]

Oh wow, I am so sorry. I have lived much of the same aggression but not with other kids to protect. My son's issues happen exclusively in the moment so doesn't sound quite as crafty to do what yours did with the bathroom scene, but I can relate to the chest puffing out, blocking me, etc. And yes, as he gets bigger and bigger it is much more serious (85 lbs last summer, 131 now...huge difference).

Are there any options at all?? I know you have mentioned some issues, I am sorry I can't remember if there is an intensive out patient or residential option??? He really needs in-depth assessment, therapy and maybe different medical intervention. Clearly you deserve some way to have him out of the home at least part of the time.

Just so sorry he is bullying you so much. Really scary for the little one.

 

[AnnieO]

husband had to crawl in through the window and doesn't get it?

For now, get a key locked doorknob. Wear your keys - I usually have mine on a cheap aluminum carabiner clipped to my belt loop. Explain to your husband that difficult child is eight not 8 months and needs to learn personal privacy and boundaries and is not doing it - install the doorknob yourself if you have to. Keep calling the sheriff as needed.

He's only 8, deal with it?! Yeah. I don't think so. If he's hurting you, it's domestic violence, I don't care how old he is. I've seen 5-y/o kids stronger than adults especially in a rage.

He's going to tell his mother? I must've missed something, is this your stepson?

 

[InsaneCdn]

He's EIGHT?
There's more going on, and it isn't "ODD"... something is driving this.
When you're in a war zone, it's hard to figure out where this is all coming from, but... figuring it out is probably going to be critical if you want to de-escalate this.

 

[HopeRemains]

Oh wow, I am so sorry. I have lived much of the same aggression but not with other kids to protect. My son's issues happen exclusively in the moment so doesn't sound quite as crafty to do what yours did with the bathroom scene, but I can relate to the chest puffing out, blocking me, etc. And yes, as he gets bigger and bigger it is much more serious (85 lbs last summer, 131 now...huge difference).

Are there any options at all?? I know you have mentioned some issues, I am sorry I can't remember if there is an intensive out patient or residential option??? He really needs in-depth assessment, therapy and maybe different medical intervention. Clearly you deserve some way to have him out of the home at least part of the time.

Just so sorry he is bullying you so much. Really scary for the little one.

Options... Well, I've suggested child care some days to husband. I know we don't have much money to spend on a daycare, but some days I'd sell my kidney if it would get him out of the house for awhile. husband doesn't like that idea. He doesn't want the expense and thinks it will look strange if we send an 8 yr old to a daycare, if they'd even take him at that age. He will be going to his biomom's for 2 weeks out of the summer (which is nice but horrible at the same time, because she has been telling him he doesn't have to listen to us, encouraging him to act out, saying we treat him badly, etc...), I have just suggested to husband perhaps a weeklong stay with out of town great grandparents. I maybe I can get some family lined up to just take him for the day now and then. He's an angel for everyone else. It's not that I *never* want to deal with him, it's that it's scary when I am alone and he does this. I have nowhere to turn and don't know what to do then.

He has a psychiatric, who I feel is out of touch with what really happens, and a therapist who is great so far but seems to shrug these incidents off a little too easily, just telling me I am doing all that I can. He doesn't understand that my "good job" isn't good enough for me! That's the extent. I would like to have an in depth evaluation, but I don't know how to ask for it or make them listen to me when I do request it. I feel that no one takes it seriously except for me, because I am the one living the nightmare.

 

[HopeRemains]

husband had to crawl in through the window and doesn't get it?

For now, get a key locked doorknob. Wear your keys - I usually have mine on a cheap aluminum carabiner clipped to my belt loop. Explain to your husband that difficult child is eight not 8 months and needs to learn personal privacy and boundaries and is not doing it - install the doorknob yourself if you have to. Keep calling the sheriff as needed.

He's only 8, deal with it?! Yeah. I don't think so. If he's hurting you, it's domestic violence, I don't care how old he is. I've seen 5-y/o kids stronger than adults especially in a rage.

He's going to tell his mother? I must've missed something, is this your stepson?

Step2two:

Ah... Yes, he is my stepson. I put that in my past posts, but didn't say so in my siggy...sorry. I need to do that. I've been raising him since he was 3.5 yrs. BioMom is a novel, but has been taking him for visits every other weekend for the past couple of years.

Yeah, I think the same thing with husband... You just crawled in the WINDOW, for crying out loud!!! Get your head out of your butt and take a look around!

I like the carrying the keys idea... obviously this is going to be something I need to do from now on. The lengths we have to go to astound me somedays.

 

[keista]

Can you video or at least audio tape these episodes? Might give your words a bit more credence.

The way I see it, you are in the worst possible catch 22 situation. You are Step mom. Plain and simple, he knows this and is exploiting it, because, the pros all know it too and they are not immune to stereotyped perception. So, right off the bat, anything you say is assumed to have at least a hint of exaggeration.

 

[AnnieO]

He will be going to his biomom's for 2 weeks out of the summer (which is nice but horrible at the same time, because she has been telling him he doesn't have to listen to us, encouraging him to act out, saying we treat him badly, etc...)

Do you have any proof of this at all? If not... Not much you can do. Actually not much YOU can do - husband needs to step up and say NO MORE. (been there done that and man was it horrid.)

I feel that no one takes it seriously except for me, because I am the one living the nightmare.

I've been there... Like no one believes how horrible it really is. I do. It may not seem like a lot when you lay it out, but when you're the one living it... It's so much worse.

Instead of a day care... How about a day camp? YMCA? Activities... husband can't really argue this one!

 

[allhaileris]

I found out that you can get combo locks for your doors instead of keyed locks. Get one of these for one door so you can get in without a key, you can change the combo if he finds out what it is. Get a new lock for the bathroom door. My daughter is a big lock picker, but in our new house there is no way to unlock the doors that we've been able to figure out. Now instead of her picking the lock to come in and bother me in the bathroom, she just pounds on the walls.

I wish I knew something to tell you. Mine hasn't been so violent (lately) but I have no idea how to fix her. We just started the long evaluation process again.

 

[buddy]

He's EIGHT?
There's more going on, and it isn't "ODD"... something is driving this.
When you're in a war zone, it's hard to figure out where this is all coming from, but... figuring it out is probably going to be critical if you want to de-escalate this.

I could be remembering wrong....please feel free to correct me, I usually look back at the posts....he had a rocky early start with bio mom and you have said you think there are some attachment and/or trauma issues.??? was that right? and she was a drug abuser, likely used alcohol so he could really have some fetal alcohol disability issues and/or organic damage from the drug abuse.

in addition to physical symptoms that can be a part of it, there are many (and they dont need all, just like with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) do any of these things make sense? I sure hope husband can realize the severity of this.... if not for you he needs to give this kid a chance, without his getting intensive help there could be a very sad road in his future....

some symptoms of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder

Most infants with FASD are irritable, have trouble eating and sleeping, are sensitive to sensory stimulation, and have a strong startle reflex. They may hyperextend their heads or limbs with hypertonia (too much muscle tone) or hypotonia (too little muscle tone) or both. Some infants may have heart defects or suffer anomalies of the ears, eyes, liver, or joints.
Most children with FASD have developmental delays and some have lower than normal intelligence. Only 15% of children with FASD have an IQ under 70. Most children with FASD have IQ in the normal or above normal range.
The most serious characteristics of FASD are the invisible symptoms of neurological damage from prenatal exposure to alcohol. These symptoms persist into adulthood and include the following:

• Attention deficits
• Memory deficits
• Hyperactivity
• Difficulty with abstract concepts
• Inability to manage money
• Poor problem solving skills

• Difficulty learning from consequences
• Immature social behavior
• Inappropriately friendly to strangers
• Lack of control over emotions
• Poor impulse control
• Poor judgment

And this is from another site, there are many sites and the more you read the more you realize that like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) it is really a spectrum disorder.

Central Nervous System Handicaps

• Small brain size
• Faulty arrangement of brain cells and tissue
• Mild to severe mental retardation
• Learning disabilities
• Poor memory
• Lack of imagination or curiosity
• Poor language skills
• Poor problem-solving skills
• Short attention span
• Poor coordination
• Irritability in infancy
• Hyperactivity in childhood
• Poor reasoning and judgment skills
• Sleep and sucking disturbances in infancy

Behavioral Problems

• Inability to concentrate
• Social withdrawal
• Subbornness
• Impulsivenss
• Anxiety
• Problems with daily living
• Psychiatric problems
• Criminal behavior
• Chronic unemployment
• Incomplete education
• Inappropriate sexual behavior
• Substance abuse problems

 

[HopeRemains]

He's EIGHT?
There's more going on, and it isn't "ODD"... something is driving this.
When you're in a war zone, it's hard to figure out where this is all coming from, but... figuring it out is probably going to be critical if you want to de-escalate this.

It's really easy to just blame biomom, because she is a HUGE factor, but he's been this way since he was a baby (so says husband and Grandma). I have a sneaking suspicion that he has an attachment disorder, but no professional has confirmed this or addressed it.

 

[HopeRemains]

Can you video or at least audio tape these episodes? Might give your words a bit more credence.

The way I see it, you are in the worst possible catch 22 situation. You are Step mom. Plain and simple, he knows this and is exploiting it, because, the pros all know it too and they are not immune to stereotyped perception. So, right off the bat, anything you say is assumed to have at least a hint of exaggeration.

Lol... tell me about it. I know that everything I do is automatically questioned in everyone's eyes, even my own! husband asked me yesterday "If it were easy child (who is mine), would you still want to find a babysitter for the summer?". I was so mad and sad that he would even ask me that. Not to mention that BioMom filed false child abuse charges on me last year so... that makes people question even more. Add to that difficult child's interpretation of that incident and he now freaks out if I so much as put my hand on his shoulder and says he's telling him Mom. =(

 

[HopeRemains]

I found out that you can get combo locks for your doors instead of keyed locks. Get one of these for one door so you can get in without a key, you can change the combo if he finds out what it is. Get a new lock for the bathroom door. My daughter is a big lock picker, but in our new house there is no way to unlock the doors that we've been able to figure out. Now instead of her picking the lock to come in and bother me in the bathroom, she just pounds on the walls.

I wish I knew something to tell you. Mine hasn't been so violent (lately) but I have no idea how to fix her. We just started the long evaluation process again.

Yep, he usually pounds on the door and walls. This is the first time he's picked a lock.

 

[buddy]

This is very much how the educational program my son is in works. He likely did not have exposure but his brain injury lead to similar issues with his brain and behaviors so he is in a program that was designed to help kids with Fetal Alchohol Spectrum Disorder. I thought this was a good article.....it goes on to explain much more but this part is what many of our kids here, whether FASD, Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE), Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), bipolar, or may other conditions that cause different wiring go through face.... Just can imagine that this could be really hard for husband to face, but there is actually hope in finding out what else is going on because with that comes support and intervention options. Will keep sending positive energy to you that this will happen.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_alcohol_syndrome[h=3]Behavioral interventions[/h]Traditional behavioral interventions are predicated on learning theory, which is the basis for many parenting and professional strategies and interventions.[SUP][48][/SUP] Along with ordinary parenting styles, such strategies are frequently used by default for treating those with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), as the diagnosesOppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), Conduct Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)), etc. often overlap with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) (along with ADHD), and these are sometimes thought to benefit from behavioral interventions. Frequently, a patient's poor academic achievement results in special educationservices, which also utilizes principles of learning theory, behavior modification, and outcome-based education.
Because the "learning system" of a patient with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) is damaged, however, behavioral interventions are not always successful, or not successful in the long run, especially because overlapping disorders frequently stem from or are exacerbated by Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).[SUP][48][/SUP] Kohn (1999) suggests that a rewards-punishment system in general may work somewhat in the short term but is unsuccessful in the long term because that approach fails to consider content (i.e., things "worth" learning), community (i.e., safe, cooperative learning environments), and choice (i.e., making choices versus following directions).[SUP][49][/SUP] While these elements are important to consider when working with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) and have some usefulness in treatment, they are not alone sufficient to promote better outcomes.[SUP][48][/SUP] Kohn's minority challenge to behavioral interventions does illustrate the importance of factors beyond learning theory when trying to promote improved outcomes for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), and supports a more multi-model approach that can be found in varying degrees within the advocacy model and neurobehavioral approach.

 

[Liahona]

This is what I've done when difficult child 1 was violent. I kept the keys and phone (so I wouldn't get locked out while difficult child 1 and the other kids were in the house alone, and so I could call for help) in my pocket at all times. He had a time out room where I could put him and shut the door when he was raging. I kept a baby gate in the hallway so the other kids couldn't go near the door of the time out room. I had to sit in front of the door of the time out room to keep it shut or I had to hold the door knob. Because we had someone who would've called cps at the first hint of anything we couldn't put a lock on the time out room. We've put an alarm on difficult child 1's bedroom door so I could know every time he opened it. And, yes, he would drive me crazy by opening it and shutting it when he was in trouble. I was trained in how to safely restrain kids and this is how I got him into the timeout room. Ignoring difficult child 1 was not an option. He escalated into trying to kill the other kids if I ignored him. The only option we had was the time out room. When he was violent or I thought he might become violent he was my "shadow". This meant he had to be in my line of sight at all times. Not to my side or right behind me but in front of me at all times. All this was for the safety of the other kids and not negotiable. The people I would call for help would be neighbors who would take my other kids and keep them safe while I dealt with difficult child 1.

This lasted until difficult child 1 got big enough that I couldn't keep the other kids safe. Then he went to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). What I should've done is place him in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) sooner. It was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

Bipolar kids can be hypersexual. His coming into the bathroom or bedroom is a red flag to me. At the very least it is a control/power issue of who has control of your personal space. I think Steps idea of keyed locks on those doors is a good one. Right now we have keyed locks on the deadbolt to the front and back doors. Locks on the inside and outside. Other people think I'm nuts, but my autistic kids aren't going to wander. When it comes to safety sometimes we have to do things we don't want to or feel very weird about doing.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I have a sneaking suspicion that he has an attachment disorder, but no professional has confirmed this or addressed it.

Go to the search bar on this site, and search for "insecure attachment"... there will be a post by Buddy that has really good info... attachment issues are not just the extreme classical "Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)" cases... there is a whole spectrum. The post includes links to good info on a whole range of attachment issues. You might find something useful there...

 

[HopeRemains]

buddy-

You have a great memory! She was a drug abuser; meth. She wasn't a big drinker, though. She drinks now that she is "recovering" from the drugs (replacement habit, I think). But almost all of those symptoms are right on.

 

[Liahona]

Good luck. I really hope you don't have to do everything I did. Re-reading it I'm realizing it was a lot.

 

[keista]

husband asked me yesterday "If it were easy child (who is mine), would you still want to find a babysitter for the summer?". I was so mad and sad that he would even ask me that.

I hope your answer was "You bet your sweet patootie I would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Because I can tell you that I did exactly that and my child wasn't aggressive - just a real handful who for many months/years I didn't like and didn't want to be around. My own flesh and blood. My fisrtborn, beautiful, precious girl. Sending her to summer camp was not a privilege, it was a necessity for my sanity.

 

[HopeRemains]

Do you have any proof of this at all? If not... Not much you can do. Actually not much YOU can do - husband needs to step up and say NO MORE. (been there done that and man was it horrid.)

I've been there... Like no one believes how horrible it really is. I do. It may not seem like a lot when you lay it out, but when you're the one living it... It's so much worse.

Instead of a day care... How about a day camp? YMCA? Activities... husband can't really argue this one!

Step2-

Well, we don't have proof, he's only hinted that she's said these things to him before. He will say "my Mom was right about you guys..."

BUT... Last time the therapist was here, I brought it up. I said I wanted to discuss why difficult child says these things, and difficult child pipes up and says "Because those are things my Mom says!". That opened some floodgates, because since then, he has been yelling at us exactly what him Mom tells him, while before he kept it inside. It was like he felt safe telling us what she said in front of the therapist. Otherwise he's a clam because she tells him he doesn't have to tell us anything about when he goes over there. Like she's keeping secrets, she's having him keep secrets (because we are the bad guys and are not to be trusted...).